Broken Antler Fen I could fight forever, but life's too short

new one for @Eljay whenever you want <3

It was night, the deep part of the night where pretty much everyone else was asleep and the quiet felt overwhelming. As was the case more and more, though, Maia was having trouble sleeping. She still couldn't believe about Ibis, but she knew immediately what that had meant. It was so easy to throw herself without any hesitation into being a mom to now five pups, but at night, when they slept, her mind just wouldn't shut up.

You aren't their mom. You have no right to be. You should've been there for her and done more, and now she's dead just like Wraen. There's always so many more important things to do, right? Useless. Pathetic. They are going to hate you. They already do.

After a while she couldn't take it. As quietly as she could, Maia extricated herself from the sleeping puppies and slipped out of the den, then moved to sit down a small distance away.

Everything felt so overwhelming these days and she wasn't sure how they were going to get through this. They kept asking where she was and Maia kept lying, but she knew that she couldn't lie much longer. They needed to know that their mom wasn't coming home. Telling them was going to break her heart, and she wasn't sure she had a whole lot of unbroken pieces left in there.

Silently, she felt tears start to roll inexplicably down her cheeks. Her chest tightened with frustration and the weight of everything, but she wouldn't wake up the kids. Instead she just looked up and stared at the stars through eyes blurred with tears.

When he woke up, Eljay blinked his tired eyes and looked around to check on the pups quickly. They were all asleep — by some sort of miracle — and he smiled to himself, until he realised with a start that Maia wasn't there. Maybe she'd just gone out to drink something or relieve herself, he told himself initially, and he lay his head down again to sleep more.

It was only when the soft crying came to his ears that Eljay fully woke up and realised that it must be Maia. He blinked in an attempt to get the tiredness out of his eyes, and then gently nosed Sylvie off his belly. She made a little squeaky sound in her sleep and for a moment he thought she might wake up, but then she just turned around, cuddled up to Hymnal and continued to sleep. Phew. The father had to avoid several other pups as he got to his feet and exited the den at last.

After this mikado-esque escape Eljay looked around to see Maia sitting there, not far from the den. She was looking up, presumably thinking about Wraen; Eljay wasn't sure where he believed those who died went. He mostly saw their bodies disappear under the soil, and he didn't understand how they could end up in the stars very much. He knew some believed that, though. Honestly, he didn't really remember if Maia did, too; for him, talking about loved ones was mostly about the fact they were... gone, and he'd never liked talking about that very much. He rather preferred to remember the times they had shared together alive.

Hey, he murmured as to not startle her, and walked up to her, leaning in to nuzzle her cheek and intending to sit down next to her.

She didn't mean to wake him up and she felt guilty the moment she noticed. She'd been such a mess lately and it felt like it all had to just be too much. She tried to stop, swallowing her tears and trying to even out her breathing before really turning to talk to him. He leaned in and it would have felt so good to just cry on him as she'd done a few times since, but there was a stubborn part of her that hated how much she couldn't keep it together lately.

S...sorry. She said quietly, leaning against him and pressing her forehead and muzzle to his side softly. I couldn't sleep. The words were thick but clearer than she'd expected. I just... I hate lying to them. But I don't know what to say. Is there a right way to do this? She stayed where she was, feeling his quiet breathing against her. She'd already been afraid of messing up being a mom. This just added a whole new level of danger to that.

Instead of letting out her worries right away, Maia apologised, which caused a frown to Eljay's face. You don't have to be sorry, he said right away, the tone of his voice a bit stricter than usually; as if to show that he meant it. Nobody would hold it together all the time with all that's happened. Then Maia said that she couldn't sleep, and that she hated lying to the children. Eljay had mostly skirted around the subject of mom, though he mostly felt like Maia might not feel ready for it. He thought it might be easier to rip off the band-aid right away, but then again, it was a tricky situation and he was afraid for how it would affect them as much as Maia, so he hadn't suggested that yet.

I don't know... I think — I think we might just have to tell them. Eljay grimaced at the thought, knowing that it would not be well-received. But what else could they do? The pups deserved to know, too, even if they were way too young to understand. It was a tricky age to break such news in. I think that we also need to let them know that they'll be living with us from now on and that we will be their mom and dad, and that we love them very much. So they know it's not — that they weren't abandoned. That worried him the most about it all; if they felt abandoned it might cause trouble in their lives, and he didn't want that for them. He wanted them to have a family to feel welcome in, and he wanted to offer that safe haven within his and Maia's family.

He was right but she still felt awful. He was so adamant about it but she still felt like all of this was somehow her fault. Not the deaths, but after; she hadn't been any help to anyone lately, least of all him.

They don't deserve this. Her eyes threatened to well up again when she thought about Ibis. She'd been so young and so so good. She was the last piece of Maia's old family she'd had here and now all of that was gone. She was the last one left here. I love them so much already, but they're so angry. I don't know what to do to help.

She barely knew how to be a mom anyway, yet. But Eljay had been through this. He'd raised pups without a mom before, and had to give this news to his own children even while grieving her himself. That must have been awful. She couldn't imagine making it through all of this without him, and she felt a newfound appreciation for just how amazing he was. You're right, though. She sniffed, then tried to straighten a bit, taking a breath. I...I can do it, I think. she didn't know how, but she'd figure it out.

Eljay nodded when Maia said that they didn't deserve this. Everything about this situation was inherently unfair, and Eljay wished that he could give them back their mother rather than give them an alternative they didn't really want right now. He hoped though that at least they could help them grow into happy adults. It hurt now, but the wound was still fresh.

Softly he responded to Maia's uncertain I don't know what to do to help, You could let them be angry. He smiled wryly, knowing that it was hard, because their every instinct wanted to fix this for the children. He remembered well how angry and aloof Elfie had been about it all and how he hadn't handled it well at all. They couldn't provide a magic fix... All they could do was accept that their feelings were here and that they wouldn't go away any time soon, and try to deal with it as best they could. Eljay added with a frown, I'm worried about Sylvie and Hymnal, how it might impact them... But we'll just have to deal with that as it comes, too. I don't think either of us wants to abandon Jasmine, Diantha and Roswell right now, so we'll deal, somehow. Eljay felt guilty admitting this, because he didn't want to put his own children first, above the other three; but a part of him did think, will it be worth it if it hurts Sylvie and Hymnal in the process? But he quickly quelled it, thinking it was no use to worry about such things when he was certain that he wouldn't abandon the other three. They deserved a loving home, and he would provide them with one.

Eljay smiled when Maia said that she thought she could do it. He nuzzled her cheek lovingly and affirmed, We can do it. It was so much easier having to go through all of this knowing that they had each other, at least, and in some weird way all of the struggle around them brought them even closer together.

That was one way to do it. She could let them deal on their own time. Maia thought about it, but not for long. She couldn't do that. She knew she was going to have to at least try her best to fix this even if she was doomed to fail. She couldn't bring their mom back but she could be there for them no matter what.

Her eyes welled up again without warning when Eljay insisted that they'd do it together. You're amazing, she replied thickly, then had to collect herself for a second. They'll be fine. I don't think I could let anyone else have them. They need us so much, and it's a lot, but I... need it too. She admitted, thinking of them. Unlike Eljay, she hadn't even considered the ill effects on Hymnal and Sylvie. Her thoughts had been on how quickly she'd come to accept them as part of their family and a slight, guilty feeling again that anything good could come of all of this tragedy.

That was enough about her though. Maia lifted a foreleg to try and scrub some of the tears from her face, then, for the first time in a while, actually took a good look at her mate. How are, I mean... how is everything? With you? She was almost shy asking it because it called her out as not doing it sooner and, even though she knew him, she half expected him to be rightfully upset about that.

He's Auspex now, she realized with a start. She'd forgotten actually. Before all of this, a part of her might have been upset that she'd not even been asked, but now she couldn't feel anything but proud of him and worried that it might all be a lot for him. He seemed so strong; had that been how he'd been in the Caldera? How was he really?

Eljay smiled as Maia said that he was amazing. Even though she said it a lot, it still warmed his heart every time. It felt wonderful to be so loved, even though they were going through a lot together right now. Maia said she didn't think she could let anyone else have them. Eljay mostly didn't see anyone else that could. Bridget and Teya were young... Akavir was the likeliest candidate, but he wasn't their biological father and he must be going through a lot considering the loss of Ibis, too. He wished there was another family who had better space than them, but he knew that there wasn't. They were the ones who had to carry this, and he would do his best to not make it seem like a burden and give the children the love they needed now.

Maia asked him a bit jumbled how he was doing, and he shook his head. I'm doing alright, he said with a smile. It's a lot, but I have the best mate in the world to help me through it. They'd make it, all of them; Brecheliant, their family. He'd already grown to love the wolves that lived here and he wanted to provide them with the home they deserved; a home that would make Wraen proud. It'll get easier when the pups are a bit older, he reassured Maia. When their sleeping becomes more regular.

He said he was doing alright and he seemed to mean it. She didn't believe, though, what he said about her being a help. She hadn't done much in the past few weeks for him at all, she felt, and it had her look down. She leaned into him. It would get easier, like he said, but it was going to take a lot of time.

It still happened so often that something would happen and her initial reaction was to want to go tell Wraen... only to remember and feel that crushing grief all over again. Maia wondered if that would ever stop, and if she'd ever get used to her closest confidant not being here anymore.

I'm sorry, that I've been... a downer, a let down, completely out of it? Just.... everything. She couldn't say it, even. There weren't words for how she'd been feeling. This all just doesn't feel real. Her breath hitched again and she willed the tears back, then stood. She didn't need to go there. We should get some sleep.

Eljay wished that he could make Maia feel the same way that she made him feel right now; strengthened by each other's presence. He wanted to tell her no, shh, don't, when she apologised for being anything at all, but in the end he just grimaced when she said that. You're doing fine, he murmured softly, trying to be reassuring, but finding his heart twist at the thought that Maia thought she wasn't doing well. Everything had been hectic and full of grief, and yet she managed to be a loving presence to these children.

Let's do that, he conceded when Maia suggested they should get some sleep. He wanted to tell her that it was okay to cry and that she didn't always need to be strong. He couldn't manage to say it, though, and so he just nodded and waited for her to lead the way back to the den. Perhaps she just wasn't ready to cry about it yet, he though to himself. He'd be here when she needed him.

His constant reassurances weren't entirely lost on her, and eventually they were bound to sink in. She knew that it was ridiculous to think he wouldn't understand, but it wasn't because of Eljay that she held back. There are some hurts that just go so deep, it's impossible to know how to talk about them. This was one of those.

Maybe, in time, she'd figure out a way to say Wraen's name without completely breaking down. To remember her without it causing an unexpected knife, tearing through her carefully constructed composure. Not yet.

This whole conversation had made things a lot better, though, in a lot of ways. She led the way back in and curled up, snuggling in close to Eljay. She couldn't have done any of this without him. Together they'd get through this, and it helped immensely to know they were on the same page and that her nieces and nephews would have them to take care of them.

Eljay followed as Maia led the way back to the den, and once they were inside he snuggled up close to her. The pups each found their way closer to them as well as they noticed the warming presence in the den again, whether it was consciously or in their sleep, and Eljay smiled softly as he snuggled close to them all, feeling warmed by the thought that they were together; a family.