Broken Antler Fen stop time

A lot was happening, but the center of Eljay's life was his family, where he spent every moment that he didn't need to spend on tending to the rest of the pack's lives. It was this family — his family — he realised the other day. The pack. Teya and Bridget, and now Izumi (and presumably Reyes) were the only ones that weren't a part of the pups, but he considered them family nonetheless. It was the concept of the pack, of course, but it was more than that; it was a feeling, too. He felt as though Teya was like a daughter to him. Perhaps because of her age, and because she had needed him to be there so much through her grief. Perhaps it was something else. He couldn't quite tell. Bridget was different, but she was like the warden of the family; the loyal guardian who was there for the family through it all. He and Maia, and the five children, they were all the rest that the family consisted of, and so it was perhaps not so unreasonable or selfish to see this family — his family — as the core of the pack. As Brecheliant.

Something worried Eljay, and though he had kept it to himself to think it over for a few days, now Eljay decided that he needed to say it. Maia? he asked gently from the den's entrance, hoping that she was awake and that none of the pups were. He wanted to ask her. About life. But mostly, about how she felt as a leader. He wanted her to be here, but he wasn't so sure that she wanted it, too.

for @Maia, if you have time <3

always <3

She was awake. Some days, sleep came easier than others. Listening to the children around her never failed to relax her, though, and she was focused on that when Eljay quietly called her name. They all seemed pretty well asleep, but she still kept her voice down as she answered. Yeah? She was awake, if he needed something.

She didn't get up just yet but raised her head to look at him, shifting slowly against the pups to better sit up.

It seemed like a tricky challenge to get Maia out of here without any pups waking up, so Eljay decided after a moment that perhaps it might be easier just to stay here and whisper to each other. That way they were less likely to be disturbed by any of the pups waking up in the absence of their caretakers.

Maia seemed to still be awake, because her response was quite astute. Eljay slipped into the den and he carefully settled in place in the den. It would be easier than trying to get Maia out. Eljay said, his voice also low because the last thing he wanted was the pups waking up: I just wanted to talk about — well, about how you are doing. The other day at the borders... I don't want you to feel like you can't be there if I am. I don't want you to feel like... He trailed off, not really sure how to finish the sentence. He was too afraid that anything he would say might upset her or make her feel like she wasn't good enough if he mentioned her being a leader specifically. He wanted her to feel good enough, that was what this whole thing was about, after all...

Oh. It was funny, a little, because that day at the borders she'd felt guilty for not being here. And now, as he spoke, she wondered if maybe she'd been rude to leave, and began to feel guilt for doing that. It wasn't in the way he said it, or even the words he used. His tone was 100% concern but Maia's brain seemed to grasp at any chance lately to convince itself she was failing in about everything she did.

I don't. I just, I feel like my job is to be here, mainly. She answered quietly, glancing down at the sleeping Diantha, whose foot was lightly tapping against her as she kicked a few times in her sleep. I want to help with everything, but I don't want them to think I don't have time for them too. It's easier to just be here. For a lot of reasons.

Maia knew in some part of her mind that she was avoiding being alone too much, and avoiding having too much time to think. Throwing herself into motherhood meant she could ignore everything she wanted to shove aside and just focus on the positive aspects of her life with almost aggressive intensity - and that was what she was doing.

Eljay was relieved to hear that Maia actually didn't feel like she shouldn't be at the borders when he was too. He totally understood the desire to be here with them all the time; he felt the same way, he wanted the same thing. It was tough combining being a leader and raising not two but five children. He just wanted Maia to feel like she didn't have to do anything to contribute, but it seemed that he had missed the mark and she already felt that way.

He smiled, visibly relieved at her response. That's okay, then. I want you to be there for them, too. Eljay felt a little rueful that he couldn't be there as much as he'd like to right now, himself, but thankfully the pack didn't face much trouble (apart from the incident with Redhawk Caldera) so it wasn't like he needed to be at the borders every day to make sure his family stayed safe. He still felt a little as though it would be good enough for others to watch the pups sometimes, when there were leader duties, but he didn't voice it because he was afraid that it'd just end up in an argument.

Instead, he voiced quietly, Teya said that maybe when the pups are a bit older, she could watch them for a few days and we could go somewhere together.

Something felt wrong. She knew when he confirmed, gently, that she was right and she still felt nothing but a guilty sinking in her stomach. She wasn't lying to him about wanting to be there for them. It didn't make any sense, this feeling, and she was ready to shove it aside when he went on to mention a trip.

Um, I don't. I mean, should we? I'm not. I... Her immediate reaction was panic, but then she realized what she was doing. Eljay wanted to take a trip, with her, and she was saying no? How could she do that?!

Wait, I really want to, it's just. I'm sorry. Ah, here it was, the spiraling. Her voice started thickening as the alarm bells starting sounding. Yeah, we should go. We can go.

Once she got started, suddenly, she couldn't stop. I just... everything is wrong. It wasn't supposed to be like this. We were supposed to be happy. And then when I am, I feel like I shouldn't be, and it all just keeps happening and I can't take anything else. Despite the emotion to the words, surprisingly, she didn't cry. It was weird, but maybe she'd just kind of used them all up by now.

I think maybe I just.... I don't know. I don't think I should be a Raven. She looked down, ashamed. Not because she thought he'd judge her, but because she was disappointed in herself. He had so much faith in her and in what she could do, but in the end, she couldn't bring herself to feel the same.

Even after saying all of that, there was no real catharsis either. All she felt was exhausted.

Even his suggestion to go on a trip together was met with resistance, which caused a frown to fall to Eljay's face. He might've physically recoiled a little if he could to give her physical space — because she looked like she needed it — but considering they were laying with the pups he just stayed in place, though his muscles tensed. Not long after Maia reconsidered and said she wanted to go, apologised, and then said that they could go without ever really explaining to him why she thought they couldn't go in the first place.

Then she finally said something — something real, something about the situation. She said that things weren't like they were supposed to. That they were supposed to be happy, but that she couldn't truly feel happy now, because she just felt guilty all the time. Oh, Maia... Eljay said, feeling tears spring to his own eyes even though Maia couldn't seem to find hers. You don't have to — He wanted to tell her that she didn't have to be happy all the time, but that neither she had to feel bad for being happy. But before he could get out the words Maia said that she didn't think she should be a Raven, which surprised Eljay less than he expected, but was still disheartening. He wished he could help her somehow.

Why do you think that? he asked her calmly, wanting to hear her reasons. If any of it was not being good enough, then he didn't think it was a good reason. But if she genuinely thought that it was too much to handle right now, then maybe it might do her good to take a break.

Even knowing him, she'd still expected him to argue with her. It was what she would have done. If he'd said the same thing to her, she'd have insisted that he could do it. That there was no one better. But Eljay asked her why and, if it was even possible, she loved him more than ever. There was special relief in not having to hide behind the shield of positivity and feeling like how you actually felt, even if it seemed stupid, mattered.

I can't do it. She replied, still quietly, though tears did finally begin to gather. I knew she was sick. I knew it, Eljay, and I was just... so caught up with everything else. Everything felt so important, and I didn't want to think about..

She couldn't finish the sentence. She muffled her sobs quickly and it didn't seem to wake any of the kids up, but she probably wouldn't have fully noticed. One - Sylvie or Hymnal, or was it another? - might have snuggled closer. But mostly, here, it was just her and Eljay.

I barely saw her. She could feel how much it was eating her up inside still. She'd felt so guilty about it and so mad at herself, furious for not paying more attention and for brushing it off. Now it was too late and all of the things that had felt so important then just felt insignificant now. She didn't deserve them. She didn't want them.

If Maia really wanted to quit being a Raven, for a good reason, then Eljay knew that he would say yes. It wouldn't make an effective difference, anyway: she'd continue to be awesome, and it wasn't like he'd say 'no' to any opinion she had or wolf she wanted to accept into Brecheliant. He just didn't want her to give up because she felt that she wasn't good enough, because that wasn't the case at all. If she would give it up, then it should be because there was too much pressure and she wanted relief from that.

I can't do it. Eljay's frown deepened a little, and he wished he could hug her.

Maia started to say that she knew that Wraen (presumably) was sick, but that she didn't pay it enough attention. Eljay didn't think that anyone could've done anything to fix things for Wraen. It was her time, and she seemed at peace with being here. Eljay didn't think that Wraen was someone who feared death, and he was pretty sure she was still here in some form or shape, helping them in their lives in her own little way.

How could he tell Maia that, though? I barely saw her. Oh, Maia, if only he had the right words to say. Eljay stayed silent for some time, clearly struggling to come up with a response. You didn't know, Maia. You couldn't have known. He looked at her with shimmering eyes, because it was hard not to feel the sting of tears when Maia was crying. You didn't fail. Maybe that's just how you feel 'cause... Because then you have some control, then it's your fault instead of just... stuff happening for no reason at all. I don't know, I just know that you always do everything you can for everyone. Wraen knew that — she knows that. She still loves you, no matter what, just like I do. Eljay reached across the den to touch his nose gently to Maia's nose. He hoped his words made a positive difference; he wasn't very good with words, he felt, and he was afraid that it might worsen things instead. But he couldn't just sit there and do nothing. He had to try, at least.

She shook her head, but couldn't answer. Letting it out like this was definitely good for her, but even with the relief of sharing, she couldn't take what he said to heart. Maybe one day she'd be able to look back and not blame herself, but right now, all that mattered was that she had lost time that she'd never get back.

And that was her fault. She hated it so much, regretted it so much. Her parents, Sarah, Terance, Wraen... Maia had never gotten to say goodbye to any of them. She'd never guessed when she saw them that that time would be the last, and maybe that was normal, but that didn't mean she had to be okay with it.

It took her a minute to calm down, and as she did, the tears slowed and embarrassment replaced them. Sorry. I just... I can't do it. She couldn't look at him. It felt like she was letting him (and, perhaps more accurately, herself) down. But somehow the thought of not doing this was even more unbearable. Like somehow she was losing herself along with everything else, and if she tried to push it even more, she was going to shatter into a million pieces. She just needed everything to stop... and, for a while at least, she just wanted to be here. Here where she could just be there for him, and their family, and not have to worry about how many other things she wasn't doing in the meantime.

Eljay wished he could say more, but he felt like he was just not saying enough or not saying the right things to make Maia feel any better at all. She didn't respond at first, though she looked away, which said more than words could've. He was letting her down, he knew that, but he somehow felt a weird kind of calm in that fact too: as if he knew that this was his best, and that was that. He couldn't offer much more.

When she said she couldn't do it, Eljay just said, That's okay, too. He just wanted her to be happy. If she wanted to stop being a Raven because she wanted to, it was fine. He just didn't want it to feel like quitting. You can always take a break, maybe step up again when you feel ready.

Yeah...... yeah. She agreed quietly, then turned and snuggled herself against him, letting his scent and warmth calm her down. She was still disappointed that she was giving up, but she knew that it was right. It didn't have to be forever, but for now, it was what she needed.

Hopefully it didn't get in the way of what he needed from her. He had Teya, and if need be, maybe someone else? If he... she wouldn't mind. You don't have to hold the place, if you need someone. But I'll still be here, if you need anything. She said this, muffled against his fur. She couldn't be there for all of them right now but she certainly was for him.

Finally she relented, and Eljay hoped that she could learn to accept her decision as something other than failure. He knew that it was tough, but he also thought it was most important that she chose what was right for herself rather than a fictional belief of what everyone else needed without asking them.

Eljay smiled at Maia as she said that they didn't need to hold a place but that she'd be there to help. Of course, he said with a soft smile and he reached out to nose Maia's cheek, stretching his neck gingerly as to not wake up any of the kids.

wrapping this here <3 seems like a good spot!

That reassurance, that he knew she was there for him, was all she needed to be okay with this for now. As long as he knew that, she could keep focusing on helping to raise their family and making sure they all had everything they needed to thrive.

The lateness and the relief of having that off of her chest had her tiring out pretty quickly, and she began to drift off against him, lulled to sleep by the warmth and the slight rise and fall of his breath.

She always seemed to sleep so much better like this. It was hard to imagine she'd ever gone without it.

Eljay smiled as he could feel Maia drift to sleep. He was still feeling kind of awake himself, but it didn't matter; he enjoyed just feeling the slowing of her breath against him, feeling her relax at last. For some time Eljay was awake just enjoying the feeling of his family around him, and feeling like the luckiest, richest man in the world. Despite everything going on in their lives right now, he wouldn't exchange what he had now for anything in the world.