Redhawk Caldera If the whole wide world stops spinning

When Eljay moved to take distance he felt there was some reluctance to the way Maia lifted her head. Maybe he was just imagining things for his own sake, but as he realised this Eljay lingered close, moving so he could look at Maia at least a bit but not really making to open up the distance between them. He felt weird for sort of stealing Maia's moment of feeling bad. This had just hit so suddenly, he didn't know what to do with it. Mixed with the strange sensation that he felt it was all very confusing.

No, he said, but a few beats later Eljay still started talking. I... When I was young, there was a little boy in Redhawk caldera, P-Peter. He was younger than me and very kind and loving. I loved him very much, as if he was my own little brother. Then one day, I... He... Eljay's eyes started to fog up again, even though he hadn't thought it possible. S-someone killed him. I forgot. I don't know how I could forget. Eljay frowned and stifled another sob as he thought of every gruesome detail and found his head screaming to have it put back where it came from.

Maia wasn't generally an introspective wolf, which was probably why she had a tendency to overreact so much to any external occurrence.  It sounded to her that Eljay was still upset over the death of his friend, which was one hundred percent understandable.  She couldn't imagine if she had lost a friend that young; nothing like that had ever rocked her as a child.  She hadn't experienced loss until she was much older, and that was a big part of what had shaped her into the wolf she was.

But it also sounded like he was upset because he'd allowed himself to move on.  That bothered her enough to notice because suddenly it jarred with something she'd discovered in losing her own parents.  That's awful, she began, then continued so that she could clarify.  but I don't think it's wrong to forget things that are bad.  Not as long as you remember the things that are good.

When she'd been in the roughest part of losing them, and losing Charon, Maia had gone home.  While she was there, she'd found her siblings, and together theyd spent time remembering all the best parts of Dante and Osprey.  I don't think they'd want us to remember the bad, not if it keeps us sad.  What was your favorite thing you used to do together?  She asked, thinking fondly of nights spent curled up next to her dad, her mom's voice weaving a story while her siblings crowded around.  Of Charon, smiling that smile, greeting her at the borders and asking her how she was.  Walking with him among the fireflies.  No, they'd always hated it when she was sad.

WC: 277

Eljay gently shook his head as Maia said that it wasn't bad to forget the bad things, as long as you remembered the good. He trembled as he leaned against Maia while he considered how to explain it, while another part of him didn't want to talk about it at all. I forgot everything, he said with a tone of guilt to his voice, though her question was bringing back some of the better memories so that not all he could see was Peter's youthful face cradled between his legs while he hugged the remnants of the wolf who'd been like a little brother to him.

He... He was so little. A few months old, maybe. Eljay didn't remember precisely, but he remembered that their interactions had all been very base and instinctive, not a lot of talking just yet. We.. We used to play a lot. He reminded me of myself. He was.. When he came to us, he was scared, and then I -- I helped him to be brave. Eljay frowned as he thought of Peter and he pressed his face against Maia's fur again, swimming in the memories that were coming back now.

He said he'd forgotten everything, but he seemed to recall more slowly as he looked back.  She didn't mean to bring back anything painful, but it felt like Eljay was calming a bit as he talked about it, pressing his face to her neck again in a way that made her heart ba-dump softly.

Growing up, she'd always pictured herself on the opposite side of this, so it was a little amazing how right this felt.  She nuzzled his ruff, then slowly began to groom whatever of his face she could reach, in hopes the attention would help to calm him down even more.  

She paused briefly to ask one more question before continuing.  What kind of games did you play?  It was okay if he didn't remember, but by thinking about the specifics, and trying to recall the bigger details, more might come back that was positive and happy.  Then she went back to it, combing her teeth gently through the fur at his cheeks and neck.

WC: 168

It did calm down Eljay when Maia started to groom his face. The emotions he felt were conflicting on many areas and it was hard to sort through all of them -- the grief, the harsh pain of a returned realisation, the fond memories of sweet baby boy Peter and the love he felt, both for Peter as well as....... this moment. Eljay was content just to lean against Maia and let her take care of him because there was nothing else that he could do right now but go with the flow of this crazy river ride. Swimming up the current would bring him nowhere.

I don't know, he said at first, but after a few seconds, like before, he still answered and remembered some details. I'd fall to the ground so he could feel like a big strong warrior. Eljay remembered so vividly because he'd played the big brother that he wished that he had had when he was young and terrified of the world.

Maia was content to sit there and tease out any catches, smooth out any ruffled patches, and smooth out the tearstained tracks.  She did shift herself to a more comfortable position now that his crying seemed to have evened out, and dropped one foreleg while the other remained draped over his shoulders.  Her hips were starting to protest bearing the brunt of both of their weight for so long, so she compromised by giving herself a tripod stance and leaning back into him in return.

She finished the side of his face that wasn't pressed into her, then smiled.  That sounds like an amazing game.  My dad never really taught us to fight unless we asked, but he used to do something like that too.  They'd pile on Dante and he'd immediately drop as though subdued, then roll over while they'd gigglingly collapsed on top of his stomach.  She'd forgotten that memory too until Eljay brought it back by comparison.  He was lucky to have you.  And it sounds like you were lucky to have him too.  Maybe not as long as they'd have liked, but some time was way better than no time at all.

WC: 196

Eljay nodded into Maia's fur as she said her father used to play that game with them, too. Eljay wondered if her parents were still alive and out there, but honestly, he was a little afraid to ask. This day had been filled with emotion and Eljay was not too sure he dared to tread further into either of their mental trash cans. He put a pin in it for now. It was to make him less afraid. I... I saw a lot of myself in him, I guess, because he was scared at first. And I tried to be the big brother I didn't have. Growing up as an only child had meant Eljay received a lot of doting, but he'd also not learned as well about being brave -- the adults around him had been, but they were big and he was small.

When she stopped grooming his face, Eljay breathed out a long, drawn out breath. I like this, he said. Not that you got hurt, or.. or that things are... Eljay sighed as he tried to find the right words. He was so tired suddenly; the crying and grief that had suddenly overcame him had done that. But I like that you're here. He lifted his head so that he could look at Maia's face -- Maia's beautiful face -- and he suddenly found himself wishing that he could look at her every day, every morning he woke up.

It sounded like Eljay made as fantastic a big brother as he did a father.  Granted she'd been gone often, but when she was here, she hadn't missed the way he was with Weejay and how much the girl adored him.  It was one of the first things that had caught her eye, way back when she'd been so unsure because of everything Wildfire meant.

Maia couldn't imagine a life without her older siblings in it, obviously.  They'd been there when she was young, then left to come here, but as a pup she'd learned so much from them.  Them and, grudgingly, her litter mates too.

I like it too,  she replied quietly, though when he turned to look at her and didn't look away she felt her cheeks heat up with self-consciousness.  He really did have the most gorgeous eyes... and she had never had any illusions that she had anything special to offer.  Mannish, she'd been called.  She'd been so proud to take after her dad until she realized what that meant.  So she was the one who looked down and away.

WC: 184

I like it too, she said, and they were probably some of the best words that she could've said for Eljay. Validation meant a lot to him. He hadn't always received it in his youth (rather, he'd often felt that he lacked many things; beyond his parents, not many had validated him for his childcare and medical knowledge until more recent years) and now that he was well into adulthood, that still left a mark. To hear that she was enjoying being with him just as much as he enjoyed being with her put a perspective on, well, everything that he thought he knew.

Eljay thought before that running after Maia would be a fool's errand. It'd felt like something he still wanted to do, if he could be missed here, because it felt a lot like the uncontrollable urge he had had to join the Copse when Wiffle had first left the Plateau to start it. Like an opportunity that couldn't be missed. Yet at the back of his mind he had always had the uncertainty because he thought Maia didn't necessarily need him there, and Wraen certainly didn't. Now Maia was here, and she was telling him that she liked being here, with him, even despite having just been mauled by a stranger in a terrifying life-altering incident. And still she looked like she wouldn't have wished it to be any other way.

Maia looked away from him, and he tried to piece together why. Was she shy? He didn't realise that he'd been staring until she looked away and he started to analyse what was going on. Maybe he'd been staring. Maybe it made her uncomfortable. Sorry, uhm, Eljay said awkwardly and he looked away from her face as he felt his cheeks heat up underneath the fur. He wanted to add 'for staring', but that just sounded strange.

Maybe he was getting too far ahead of himself with these thoughts and feelings. He wasn't really sure where to place them. Eljay had never considered anyone to want to be with him in that way until he'd fallen in love with Wiffle. Even then, she was the one to take initiative, and he hadn't even realised that he was in love with her until well after their children were conceived. The situation was just entirely different. Eljay wished that he had the courage to tell Maia about the way she made him feel in that moment, but he just didn't really know where to start and he certainly didn't want to send the wanderlusty Maia spinning on her heels waiting to get out of there.

In the end he just said, I like you. A lot. A whole lot. Like a mountain of lots stacked together. Like.. Eljay continued to look away too, then, too afraid to look at her to se her reaction. He had tried to make it sound as casual as he could, as if he was just telling a friend that he liked spending time with them, but somehow when the words finally did escape his throat they sounded deep and heartfelt and as if they'd struggled to get free for some time now.

He shouldn't be apologizing.  She wanted to immediately argue that, but what could she say?  Don't apologize, I just don't know how to deal with you looking at me.  That sounded terrible, and even worse if she went farther and explained it was because she was sure he wouldn't like what he saw.  He couldn't like what he saw.  No one did.

Her self-improvement exercises and affirmations had been working out alright, but it was amazing how fast all of that went out the window when being faced by the insecurity of sitting in front of the man she liked.  Loved, apparently.

I like you.  What?  Maia was surprised enough by this to look back at Eljay questioningly.  That could mean a wide range of things, but the way he said it made it sound like he meant it.  I mean, meant it meant it.  She felt the weirdest clash of dread and pure delight then, happiness because she'd never wanted to hear anything more and dread because there was no way she'd managed to luck out like this.  She knew how she wanted to respond, how she should respond.  I like you too at the very least, though that even was a partial lie.  Instead her traitor mouth opened before she could stop it.  Are you sure?

Wow, really?  She flinched when she heard the insecurity in her own voice, and looked down again.  Even if he was, he certainly wouldn't be after that.

WC: 245

Eljay flinched too when the words came out, because he hadn't expected them at all. This wasn't what he thought Maia was like at all, and even though he had said his words a little heavier than he had meant them, a little less casual and a little more love-confession-y, this was certainly the last response that he expected in the world. Where was the happy, confident Maia that he knew?

Worse still, how would he ever explain to her exactly how he felt about her? How could he answer that question? Of course the answer was a whole-hearted yes, but you couldn't just say 'yes!' to a question like that, could you? But what on earth could he say? How could Maia think that he wasn't sure?

There were so many questions swirling inside of his head and so little actual answers coming out of his mouth. There was a pregnant silence between them. He could feel Maia flinch, as they were still very close, and he could feel his own muscles tense and tight, too. She looked away, down, an expression he understood all too well. But how? How was all this possible? It just didn't make any sense.

Maia, I... Eljay frowned while he tried to make sense of it all in his mind, but it was hard. Mostly, how did one eloquently respond to such a question? He looked back at her face again, then reminded himself that had made her awkward and looked away, but then looked at her again, drawn in like a moth to a flame, while he tried to piece together a response. Yes, of - of course. Why would I... Why do you think..? He trailed off, hoping he didn't have to say it out loud because the thought was so absurd. It had been hard enough to tell her that he liked her in a casual way, and he'd failed completely at that (the casual part, anyway), and he just wasn't ready for the follow-up question.

TYSM for the kudos ;.;  I'm YELLING over Eljay telling her first, YELLING

How do you tell someone your entire personality is a lie when you've gotten so used to faking it for so long?  And it wasn't, not really.  Maia enjoyed being upbeat and happy, and she loved bringing joy as opposed to bringing others down.  Today had illustrated, though, that sometimes sharing your own pain broke through someone else's as well in ways you couldn't really predict.  Maybe it wasn't wrong to let herself... occasionally... be 'not okay'.  She'd let Wraen see her uglier moments once or twice, but even her sister likely didn't know the extent to which Maia abused her own self worth.

She didn't want empty compliments, or to ask him to make her feel better than what she was.  She just wanted to feel better, unprompted, no help needed.

He confirmed it but the confusion only cemented that she'd been completely stupid to ask that.  She took a breath.  Sorry.  It's just hard for me to believe.  She settled on gentle honesty, and a watered-down version of the truth.  Similar to him, the conversation previously had worn her out, and she wasn't sure she wanted to dump her entire "mental garbage can" over his head (to put it in your terms, which I LOVED).  You're amazing, and so much that I can't even describe, and I've never really had anyone ever feel that way back.  So it doesn't feel like it can be real, except it is?  A question again, though this time it was rhetorical.  She could feel herself getting emotional as she spoke, which tended to lead to word-vomit.  It was honestly a pretty good callback to one of their first meetings, back when Finley had still been there to watch her crash and burn.

It's just really hard to believe a guy like you would like a girl like me, y'know, like that?  Unless you didn't mean like that, in which case... shoot.  Sorry.  I've just liked you for forever, and I never figured you'd actually love me back, but...

Welp, that was a heck of a slip.  Immediately she shut her mouth, mortified that she'd let that just... come out like that.  She couldn't even think about how to walk it back, because somewhere in all of that mess, her brain had just stopped working. 

Eljay liked her.

WC: 385

me neither, honestly :')

It was so strange that it was hard to believe that he would like her. It had seemed like such a light hearted thing in his mind, but now it was becoming bigger and bigger and honestly, Eljay felt like he'd lost complete control over it. It had derailed entirely, he realised further as Maia started to tell him... Pretty much everything that Eljay had wanted to tell her, but he'd been too afraid to. He thought saying he liked someone would be easy. He'd said that before. Apparently, when you told it to someone that you really really liked, like liked, it held such a different and bigger gravity than he had predicted. He wasn't sure he wanted to even stop it how that they were here.

He absorbed all the words Maia said about him like a sponge, mapping them to his tired brain because he never wanted to forget them. Feel that back -- did that mean that she... liked him? Eljay took in the words, from you're amazing all the way up to feel that way back, and he felt his heart flutter.

Then she continued. There was one particular thing that stood out from what she said. A girl like her? What does she mean? She's so great! he thought to himself. He was about to be mildly outraged at that, but he got stopped right in his tracks by what she said last.

Love me back. Love her back? Did she say...

Love?

Eljay blinked, and he saw that Maia startled by her own choice of words, too. He decided to gloss over that. It was an honest mistake. I... I think you're really great, Eljay said, not really sure what to say. His heart was so full, and he felt like Maia had been very eloquent and he could never really get up there on her level. Besides, he'd planned so hard to not tell her how amazing she was, that now that it was time to tell her, it was hard to find the words.

I can't believe... The things you said, it's just so -- it's so hard to believe that you really feel that way. And you said you aren't brave, he thought to himself. He would never have been brave enough to tell her exactly how he felt if she hadn't first. I guess I never imagined someone like you would be... Would like someone like me. He felt his cheeks heat up as he said it, not realising how utterly hypercritical it was to say that after silently judging Maia for thinking she was anything less than amazing herself.

He let it go.  She was grateful, because if she was going to say it, she wanted it to be right.  Not now, before they'd even really established what was happening, when it would probably scare him off because who the heck fell in love with someone they hadn't even admitted they liked yet?  Who didn't (at that time) like her back?  A weirdo, that's who, someone who's lonely and just needs someone to prove they are worth something.

But that wasn't what Maia felt, and in her heart she knew she was belittling it even thinking that.  She loved him for his quiet, and the way he looked at her, as if he'd never met anyone quite like her.  She loved him for Weejay, and how close the two were, and how they'd invited her in despite her not really being one of them.  She'd felt like it was only she and Wraen in that corner of the Firebirds before that, and after, it had felt like home.  And she loved him for being willing to cry, and feel, and not making her feel like she needed to hide the fact that she didn't have it all together.

At first, when he said 'I think you're really great', Maia's heart plummeted.  It was easy to take that as a response to her question-that-wasn't-really-worded-as-a-question regarding what he'd really meant when he said 'like'.  I think you're really great, but that's it.  She waited for it, anticipating the phrase that would have her figuratively somersaulting backwards to save face and keep things from getting uncomfortable.  Yeah, okay.  That's what I meant too.

Except it didn't come.  Instead he confessed he couldn't believe she liked him.  Her.  When before her, he'd had someone like Wildfire who loved him.  That's so ridiculous!  She said, but then she did how hypocritical that sounded and couldn't help but laugh.  Wow, this is a mess.  You can't believe it and I can't believe it.  But it's true.  On my end, I like you a lot, and not just in a normal way.  It was surprisingly easy this time, maybe because they'd each said it a few different ways already.

She still didn't feel pretty, or smart, or good enough for him.  But what she felt wasn't everything that mattered, because he got a say in it too.  And if he thought that she was good enough, and she made him happy by being there with him, then that was all that mattered.  At least until you have to leave, she thought, but now she was in denial too.  Because this was too good of a moment to ruin with something that wasn't here and now.

WC: 449

It sure was a right mess, even though it was kind of funny in some way. Right now, anyway, knowing what they knew. Eljay didn't really know what came next, though. He'd never been here. Yeah, Eljay agreed softly as he thought about it. It kinda is.

Maia said that she liked him, and not in a normal way. Eljay couldn't help but feel a flutter in his stomach. R-really? he asked. I like you in a not-normal way, too. Now that he said it out loud though, Eljay couldn't help but wonder, Wait, what does that mean? He chuckled awkwardly, not really sure what he'd just admitted now that he had said it and heard it out loud from his own mouth. When Maia said it it sounded good, though.

He laughed a little awkwardly as he questioned what it meant, and Maia joined in again, her laughter genuine and honestly... free.  She'd been holding onto the secret of her feelings for him for months, since long before she and Wraen had left.  She'd regretted not telling him before, but it felt like it would have been pointless, telling him how she felt only to immediately leave.  But it doesn't seem pointless now.  A huge weight was off of her chest and she felt like she could near fly.

Beats me, she answered, then, sliding over, nestling her head under his chin.  I think it means... sitting like this, anytime we want.  There was still a giggle behind the words, but her breath was paused, just to see how he'd take that.  She would have found it near impossible before this conversation, but while Maia could be dense, she was no idiot.  Eljay had pretty much smacked her square in the face with a shovel of 'I like you more than friends' and that was exactly the amount of force it took for Maia to finally absorb it.

WC: 188

Maia sounded so relaxed when she laughed with him. He wasn't sure if it was because he was seeing her in a new light now, or if her laugh had always been like this. It was a lot to figure out and Eljay wondered if Maia was more experienced than him. He'd always sort of figured, he realised as he thought about it, because she was so great and he couldn't imagine that she had never been with anyone. Eljay thought of Wiffle for a moment and how much he had loved her, how it had all been too short. He felt a glean of guilt, but also thought of how Wraen had said that she'd want him to move on. And he had agreed to that, even at the time. He knew that Wiffle would want him to move on and find someone new. That thought still needed some time to settle, though.

As always, Maia had an answer ready, and Eljay smiled as she spoke them, giggling cheerfully, even though there was also some sort of anticipation in the way that she said it. I'd like that, he said, his words soft, deep and genuine as he gently pressed his chin down on top of her head. He wasn't sure he was ready to think about what it really meant, for the future. He wasn't ready to think about the future at all, because there was so much to consider and starting to think about that only seemed to scar the bubble that they had right here, right now. So Eljay easily retreated back into that bubble for now, pushing away any thoughts of what tomorrow might look like.