Lake Rodney what would you say if i came home now

Once more Eljay found himself standing at Redhawk Caldera's edge. He'd gone all the way down to look out over Lake Rodney. Mere weeks ago he had visited Maia, and the lake hadn't seemed so big anymore. He'd felt lighter in his heart and in his step as he made his way towards the Fen, and it hadn't felt like such a big deal. Then Moonspear crashed and everything changed for him. He was afraid whenever he thought of venturing out. Afraid of all the things the outside world could bring him, having just seen a crash-and-burn example of such a thing.

With the pain of his previous encounter with Maia dulled a little, he really wanted to see her again, and it hurt that he couldn't. Eljay could easily ask someone to come with him, of course, but he also could not. They were all busy working through their own grief and problems, and that made him feel more left out and alone, even though it wasn't their fault.

Eljay had given a lot of thought to Maia and his previous encounter. He didn't entirely understand where it had gone wrong. He didn't entirely know what he should've done better, other than just have said yes right away. Honestly, Eljay might've considered it if she had just left it as an open-ended, "hey, this is what I'm thinking, we can talk about it later" thing. Or even if she hadn't gotten sad when he said he needed time. He wasn't sure he could take the time right now, even, with the state the Caldera was in. They needed him right now. But what of when the pups were born..? There'd be new care tasks, and the stream of those might never stop. He might just keep going on and on until he finally broke. He needed to talk to Fennec about taking over his duties, but she was far away and the fact she travelled a lot might not make her the best replacement, either.

He stayed at the edge of the territory and looked at the lake in doubt, looking rooted in place. He wasn't sure what he wanted with the future... or rather, he wasn't too sure that he was able to choose for what he wanted, so lost was he in trying to please all those around him. Ironic, considering he had felt like he was dragging everyone and the pack down as its weakest link for most his life, and now, he felt the exact opposite. It was possibly an even more stressful place to be.

He wasn't sure about the future, but he was sure what he wanted right now; to make up with Maia and hope she would take him back. But he found his paws rooted just over the Caldera's borders, much to his own frustration.

if this was meant to be for someone else, lmk and I'll get rid of this <3

It had been about a week since Maia had last seen Eljay.  That wasn't long compared to some of their spaces between visits, but it felt like forever when things were the way they were.  It still, however, wasn't long enough for her to get to a better place.

Sorrow fluctuated with guilt and the latter was definitely becoming heavier the longer she left it without going back and sorting things out.  He'd seemed so tired and upset and she'd just kind of bailed on him.  That was a pretty horrible thing to do, but she still couldn't get past the fear that when she got went, things might end.  What if he was too tired and just decided she was more trouble than she was worth?!  What if he finally figured out how selfish and immature and awful she was and just cut his losses and told her to leave?  Maybe that's why he hadn't wanted to talk about where they'd live.  Maybe he'd been getting ready for a breakup and her wanting to move forward made him panic.

He'd said he wanted to live with her, but at this point, Maia's brain was on its own track.  It was such a beautiful day when she woke up that she couldn't help going for a walk, and nerves kicked up her stomach at the very thought of it.  If she went for one then she had no excuse not to swing by the Caldera.  C'mon Maia.  You're already the worst.  Just let it happen.

She felt better a ways in, with the sun finally back and spring actually starting to show up once more.  She even enjoyed it a little... until she hit near where the Caldera was and saw Eljay there.  Immediately she put the brakes on her jog and her mind felt a wash of panic.  I didn't even think about what I was going to say this time.  How am I so stupid?. Oh no oh no... maybe he didn't see... maybe she could still back out.  But she was frozen where she was, caught between wanting to move in and see him and the fear of what he would think of that.

it was meant for no one in particular, so you are welcome <3

Even though Eljay wanted very badly to visit Maia, he hadn't really thought of what he'd say when he would encounter her. So when she did come into view, however far away, Eljay's head lifted and he looked at her. His tail wagged a few beats on automatic pilot. He felt both excited and flustered at seeing Maia as well as nervous to his gut about what that might entail. He was so afraid that she would leave him. He didn't want to lose her. But he also didn't want to lose him. It was a hard battle to fight in his head.

Even though he hadn't thought of what to say yet, Eljay called out almost immediately, Heya! and he held his heart, hoping that she was planning to drop by and wouldn't quickly run away, like she had during their last encounter.

She was still struggling with it when he called out.  But she knew she really didn't have a choice and that it was overdue time to try and fix this.  Even if they didn't really talk about what had happened, she'd been such a mess this past week that she wasn't even really able to do her pack any good.  She needed to talk to him.

She walked forward, head full of an overwhelming amount of negativity.  She wasn't used to feeling this way with him and it was awful.  Maia had been doing better with the self confidence thing but this past week had tossed her back into the gutter of it.  She couldn't say why, but the voice was louder and even nastier than usual, as if after holding it off so long, it was itching to dig its claws in.  You aren't worth this.  It's not like it matters, you were always going to screw it up.  It's fine, you don't deserve any of it anyway.  You'd make a terrible leader, a terrible mate, and a terrible mom.  After even just a week she was nearly numb from it.

Umm, hi,  she answered, coming in closer.  Her tail gave a wave, but there was an unmistakeable trepidation to the way she approached and her smile was a little hesitant.  Her ears tipped back as her stomach did a flip.  Here goes.  She couldn't help it.

I'm really sorry about last time, I shoulda asked.  Um, how.... how are you?  She looked at his expression, trying to read anything behind the smile he'd greeted her with.  He seemed happy, which might mean a few things.  But she was glad to see it.

His heart felt tumultuous, but when she turned to him and approached instead of turn tail and run, a part of it managed to calm down again. He still felt at odds with himself, found it hard to make his decision, but he also saw the future clearer now.

Maia apologised to him, but Eljay shook his head. Instead of finding words to say in return he approached and made to plant his head into the fur on her neck, so he could breathe in her scent. Tears glistened in the corners of his eyes as he pressed his face deeper against her -- if she would let him, of course -- and he choked down a few quiet sobs.

Oh.  She'd thought maybe he was okay, and while she was overall happy with it, a part of her had worried when she saw his smile.  If he was so okay and she wasn't, that would mean they were on completely different pages.  It would mean she was right, that he didn't feel the same way.  But apparently his smile was just as conflicted as hers because a moment later he'd come forward and pressed into her with a few quiet, muffled breaths that almost sounded like crying.

She wouldn't do a repeat of before.  She wasn't about to bulldoze his feelings again just to get an answer and, right now, she wasn't sure she wanted one anymore.  Not if it meant things might be over between them.  She didn't know what she could do about the situation to approach it better than she had last time, so maybe the solution was just to not approach it at all.  It didn't even cross her mind that her question had made it seem like she didn't want his input in the first place.

Instead of saying anything about that she just hugged him right back, pressing close and taking a deep breath.  For the first time, she felt a little hope that maybe she hadn't ruined everything after all... but she had messed up.  She had to make it right.

If you want to talk about it, I'm here. She said quietly, the words catching a little in her throat with the feeling.  It wasn't hard to set aside her feelings, avoid the issues, and just focus on him.  In fact, it was easier; but it also felt like it was only fair, especially after the way she'd run away before.  Promise.

He hadn't meant to start crying. The tears weren't all bad, either; they were a weird mix of the frustration that he didn't feel seen or heard or considered at the Caldera. On the other side of the mix was happiness at seeing her again and getting to touch her, smell her, know that she was there and that his foolishness hadn't lost her. Somehow being with Maia made him feel better, calmer, about all those things. It made him want to just grab her and run away forever from all of these other wolves, because she was the only one who truly cared about him, too.

Her words were lost in the void as he just pressed himself against her, and he whispered softly into her fur, I love you, Maia. I love you so much. Words couldn't describe what he was feeling in that moment. He wanted this to last forever, and he wanted to start doing more things that would make it so.

She waited for him to start in on how things were at the Caldera, maybe a little about what was going on that had him so tired last time.  She wouldn't mind listening; she spilled to Wraen all the time and liked to think her sister did the same back (though likely that wasn't the case, not nearly as frequently).  It nearly always made her feel better, and the only reason this last time it hadn't was because Wraen was a huge part of the reason why she felt so torn.  

Her heart seemed to stop when instead, he told her he loved her.  And it seemed to take a full few seconds to start up again, when it proceeded to do a fun little somersault alongside the rest of her chest.  She'd known her own feelings for a while, and could point to the exact moment it had started, but she couldn't believe he was returning the feelings now.  How?  I don't deserve it.  I ran away and I was too big a coward to come back.  You told me everything was too much and I went and piled even more on without even trying to find out why or help.

It was pretty messed up that a part of her thought she should argue with him for his own good, but it was luckily a side that was absolutely not going to win out right now.  Because even with all of that doubt, just hearing those words sent her soaring.  And that overwhelmed everything else.  I love you too, she replied, her breath hitching.  It felt nearly as good to say it as it did to hear it.

And what?  The traitor, a sneaking whisper in the beauty of the moment.  Enough?  Before she saw him and made things right, she'd been pretty much decided that the answer was no.  Now, only a few moments in, and she found she was forgetting every reason she'd had to stay away.

When he'd last met up with Maia he had felt awful and pressured and like she was no better than Niamh or Towhee who would just trample all over his feelings. Now though, he knew that it came from a different place. She didn't try to pressure him now. She just apologised and she was there for him. It soothed Eljay greatly to know that she could do that. To just be there for him. For him.

All his life he had felt subservient to the Redhawk wolves. His parents were their Betas. He was a nobody, but at least he was the Redhawks' Betas' kid. All his life up until the point that Wiffle had fallen for him, and he for her. She was different from the rest of them. She'd shown him a new world; a world where he could be a father, a lover, a valuable member of a pack. Glimpses of the latter were shown as he was pulled into leadership decisions such as the move to Redhawk Caldera. Eljay had even begun to wonder if maybe, some day, he could fill those giant footsteps that Finley and Elwood had left behind in leadership.

Only to find out that him asking for pups, for to be a father with the woman he'd fallen in love with, was not fair. Only to find out that it wasn't about feelings, not so long as they were only his feelings that were hurt, but about logistics. He'd felt valued, he felt valued, but it was accompanied by a new, grimmer, darker feeling.

He felt used. Convenient to have around, so long as he didn't want anything. Disregarded, because he'd never asked for anything, so that just meant he didn't want anything.

Wraen had offered him a place in her family and children. He didn't need to ask.

Back to the present. These feelings and thoughts were lingering at the back of his mind as he hugged Maia tight and heard her say that she loved him, too.

He lifted his nose a little to nip at her ear. Too afraid to look at her, too afraid to do anything, Eljay whispered, Please take me home, Maia... I can't do this anymore. This was Redhawk Caldera. This was being a side star in the Towhee and Niamh show. This was feeling like his feelings didn't matter.

Perhaps it was the coward's way out to flee away into the arms of someone new, but he knew that with Maia, things would be different, that she cared, and, well... He'd always been a coward.

Wait.  She didn't pull back, but she did open her eyes as her nerves kicked back in a bit.  Home?  Which home did he mean?  Her home... it wasn't his, and that was the source of this whole issue.  Was he asking her to go with him now?  But the way he'd asked it... that wouldn't make a lot of sense.  He would be taking her home, not the other way around.... oh.

It clicked in and she was immediately concerned.  Something had changed, and as tempting as it was to take this at face value and run with it, she needed to be sure.  He needed to be sure, because otherwise... she couldn't take it if he wasn't happy.  This was what she wanted more than anything else, but he'd said no before.  At least, she thought he had.

What happened? She asked cautiously.  I mean... I want to, obviously.  That's why I asked.  But are you sure?  She'd expected some kind of discussion to happen, for him to put a few reasons to her why she should come his way instead.  She hadn't expected an immediate switch and, while it was different, it was still uncomfortably close to before - when he'd nearly said yes despite obviously not meaning it.  She wanted this, but not like that.

Maia asked him what happened, but Eljay wasn't quite so sure that he could explain the intricacies of that. It was a lot of things, not just one thing. It was everything that built up over the years. It was the feeling of being home as he was close to her.

He felt burned out, as if he couldn't go on anymore. The thought of returning to Redhawk Caldera, at whose very borders he still stood, filled him with a panic that went beyond his usual anxiety. It made him feel as if he would collapse from the stress and the tiredness, even though the work had quieted down for now. He couldn't handle it, couldn't handle being there and shouldering all that he shouldered alone. He couldn't handle not being part of the inner circle of wolves there. The worst part of it all wasn't that they had stuff he wanted — the right to breed, each other's companionship — it was that they just didn't seem to care.

Of course it wasn't as black and white as that, it never was, but in Eljay's mind it became stressful and a lot. Mountains more a lot than moving in with Maia ever was. He nodded into her fur when she asked him if he was sure. I just can't — live there anymore — be their... Their shoulder and their... everything and get n-nothing in return. It wasn't exactly nothing, of course. But it wasn't enough.

Not anymore.

He took a deep breath and sniffled into Maia's fur, still unable to look at her. Only when he said the words did he feel embarrassed for mentioning pups that he hadn't even discussed with Maia yet. They said it would be unfair for the pups to have more in the Caldera. T-they didn't even consider that I.. that we might want — I'm sorry, it's — I don't even know if you want to — I just feel so... Burned up. Tired all the time. Stressed all the time.

Taken for granted.

His voice turned to a quivering whisper as he added, words meant only for her ears: I want to be somewhere, with wolves, where I don't need to ask for them to take me into consideration. Where I.. He swallowed thickly. .. matter. Cause of being me.

He thought back to when his parents had died. How lonely he'd felt. How, in hindsight, he'd felt like nobody really cared what happened to him. If he had withered away and died, only Maia would have cared. He didn't want to risk that anymore. He knew he needed to cling onto that for dear hope and never let it go, and so his resolve was made up.

She listened quietly as Eljay explained why he had changed his mind, and the reasons spoke to a lot of her own fears in moving to the Caldera.  She'd felt a little out of place there too, and while she'd wondered if she couldn't form friendships there, it was hard to leave a place where you had those connections for a place that held no guarantees.  

All of her worry was replaced as he went on and instead she just felt a huge amount of pride for him.  It was really hard to stand up for what you think you deserve.  Maia knew how hard that was; she'd never done it.  

He mattered so much and she was glad that he could see it.  I do.  She responded softly, want them, I mean.  I... it's kind of, a little, why I said yes to leading.  She'd wanted to try it, sure, but because she thought if she proved she was enough, they could.  Maia knew Wraen probably would have let her regardless, but she'd needed to prove it to herself too.  She wasn't sure she had yet.

You deserve the world, Eljay.  She added with a glowing smile that he likely couldn't see.  She couldn't believe this was happening.  You're my family, always, just as much as them.  I love you so much.  She hesitated, wondering.  But it felt so right to do this now, and she couldn't stop herself.  I... I'd love to make it official.  If you, maybe, wanted?

They were moving in together and talking pups, and maybe she should wait until he'd lived there a while and see if he changed his mind.  But she didn't want to.  She was tired of waiting, tired of putting her own life on hold as well, though it was a late start of her own making.  Somehow Eljay had chosen her, out of all wolves, and Maia was never ever going to take that for granted.

Everything was happening all at once now, and really fast. Maia agreed to having puppies, said that was what she wanted and even part of why she'd become a leader. Eljay had never thought much about becoming a leader, not until recently, when he thought of his parents and their legacy, and thought about his own. He didn't think it was necessary for him to be a leader to get permission to have pups. He didn't think they'd guilt trip him into giving up that for the sake of them wanting everything to themselves.

A part of him didn't even want to go to the Fen. He wanted to go somewhere with Maia, to be together with her, somewhere where they would be the main stars and where everyone would accept that for a fact. He didn't think that Maia would go for that, though, was afraid to ruin this good moment by making a suggestion that'd bring her further away from Wraen and everything that she loved. He wasn't sure if she was ready for a step that big, but maybe some day they could take it, together.

Today wouldn't be that day, though. There was enough going on without suggesting running off into the night together... However easier it would've been to just do that instead of having to face the pregnant women that he was letting down some day. Just thinking of them made Eljay feel like flying into a panic again, though. The pressure was too much and it was what had made him crack.

Eljay nuzzled gently into Maia's fur when she said that he was her family and that she loved him, and finally a weary, but heartfelt smile broke through the dark clouds that had been playing on his face. Thank you, he murmured. When she suggested making it official he finally lifted his head from the safety of her neck and he looked at her. He looked weary and completely worn out, perhaps even moreso than when Maia had first asked him to move, but there was a soft, fragile smile on his face nonetheless. I'd love that, he said with a soft sigh. He looked over his shoulder once more, then said, But maybe somewhere more, uhm, appropriate? And he got up to walk away — from Redhawk Caldera, from Towhee, from Niamh, from Phox, from the Blackthorn den, and from all the wolves that he so deeply cared about and considered his family.

He felt like he was about to throw up at the thought of leaving them to their own devices, but he knew that he couldn't return there right now.

Staying for another day longer would break him.

They would break him.

No... He would break himself for them.

When Eljay looked at her, there was a stark weariness in his face that brought her swiftly down to the reality of what he'd just gone through.  She was absolutely thrilled because he was here with her and wouldn't be leaving... and she'd missed their quiet nights and mornings most of all.  But he'd just decided to leave behind a family, and even though she didn't feel at home there, she tried to imagine what it would have been like the other way.  It wasn't hard; she'd been a mess over it for weeks.

Yeah, definitely.  Mates.  She felt her stomach flutter at the thought.  Maia Blackthorn, she said quietly, then blushed, ducking her muzzle and then reaching out to press her cheek to his.  Some wolves might have hesitated to give up their family name, but in many ways Maia was entirely traditional.  She'd dreamed of this for far too long to ever worry about something like her parents' legacy or her own independence.  She was too over the moon that anytime she introduced herself, they'd know that she was his, no matter what.  And, no matter what the future held, they were family.  Even if he changes his mind.

C'mon.  I know a great spot where we can hide for a nap.  She pulled away, smiling.  They could worry about introductions and all later.  For now she would lead and slip him quietly in.  Hopefully after some rest he'd feel a little better and, if he still wanted to stay, she could show him around their new home.  Officially this time.

Eljay wasn't sure what Maia thought he meant to say; he actually intended to put some kilometers between them and Redhawk Caldera and then he planned to officially ask her if she wanted to be his mate. But before he could, Maia already happily adopted his name and it seemed that the moment he was planning in his head seemed kinda silly now that she'd already agreed. Maia Blackthorn, Eljay said with a soft smile on his face and he nuzzled her cheek. Again the urge to run off together, just the two of them, found its way into his head, but he knew it wasn't an option. Make a pack together, somewhere. Blackthorn Caldera, or something.

He didn't share those thoughts and instead he followed Maia, happy to put distance between the Redhawks and himself, afraid that Towhee (Niamh wasn't able to right now) would come running down the slopes of the Caldera and drag him back to the territory by his ears. He had promised to stay near, after all. He really wanted to stay, at least until the pups were born, but he couldn't anymore.

Eljay knew that he needed to choose for himself, this time. A nap sounds lovely, he murmured as he set off in the direction of Brecheliant alongside his now-mate, while in his head he kept thinking of how good Maia Blackthorn sounded. Eljay and Maia Blackthorn. Maia and Eljay Blackthorn. It sounded good from every angle.