Sun Mote Copse at the end of the day

hoping for an @Weejay

Following Maia's departure and then their departure to the Glade, Eljay had felt terrible. He wished that he -- they -- could've gone with Maia, but he was sure that Maia didn't want that. She had made that abundantly clear, after all, by saying how much he was needed here and how he didn't have to come with. He often thought of that moment, and wondered if he could've forced himself upon them, and if they would've eventually grow to be pleased by his company rather than hate that he'd come along, realising how much they were dragged down by him. He was afraid of the answer, and that was why he had stayed.

That, and his daughter. He didn't want to leave her here, he didn't want to lose her like he had Elfie. If he let go of her for one moment, she too would disappear. And he wouldn't be able to visit her at all, so he'd always have to wait for her to visit him, even after they'd settled. He didn't want to be so dependent on everyone else.

The return to the Copse was nice, even though it was weird to be here again. The place where he had gone -- on a whim, that time -- with Wiffle, who'd made it very clear how welcome he was to join. The place where he had found a second Caldera, after thinking that no place could ever feel that way. This was Weejay's Caldera, and even if she had wanted to come with him, then he wouldn't have wanted to force her to leave it behind.

Not all water had left the garden yet. Eljay was found near it as he looked upon it, feeling nostalgic. The sun was shining, which was unimaginably great after the heavy rainfalls they had experienced during the last weeks. Most of the plants in Weejay's garden seemed to have died from the heavy rainflow, but some of them were still alive; perhaps they preferred the rain, he mused to himself. He realised he had never got to tell Weejay why he didn't go with Maia -- that it was clear she didn't want him there and that he didn't want to miss his baby girl -- but he supposed it didn't matter very much now.

FINALLY AN ELJAY THREAD

Niamh hadn’t returned. Alyx hadn’t returned. Phox was in a sour mood about all of it, and finding that corpse hadn’t really helped things, even if it hadn’t been Alyx. Every day since he’d gotten back, Phox had paced the borders on the lookout for his mate and daughter. He wouldn’t stop until one of them came home.

Hunger pulled him away at times (as it did now), but beyond that, he had kept to his manic ritual.

He’d been on the trail of something or another when Eljay came into view. It was the worst timing, Phox thought, but he knew he should check in on him. Hey, Eljay. Glad to be home? he asked through a thin smile.

It wasn't Weejay who found him then, but a surprising Phox. Eljay and he hadn't socialised very much, and it was a surprise to see him here. Eljay wondered idly if he'd come to see Weejay, but he quickly pushed it aside as Phox started making small talk. Hey, Eljay greeted while he pondered if he was glad to be home. To some degree, he supposed. This was much better than the Glade. But he couldn't help but think of Maia, and what Weejay had said to him about being happy.

Better than the glade, at least, Eljay said with a small smile. He opened his mouth to ask how the kids were but then he thought of Alyx... This was the first litter in the history of any pack Eljay'd been in where he hadn't done as much as he had in others to raise the kids; he'd been so lost in his own mind and in the grief he had felt. He wasn't sure it was fair for Phox to ask how they were and if he'd found Alyx yet. If he had, then that would've probably been the first thing he had said.

After a short silence he said: Someone suggested I go with Maia and Wraen, when they left. He wondered what Phox thought of that. It seemed like a silly idea, mostly because Eljay would not be the best travel companion and they didn't want him along, anyway.

Eljay responded that he liked it better than the glade, and Phox nodded along. He didn't have a strong preference for one place or the other, but it was nice not to have to learn a new place. There was still a lot of work to be done to refill the caches, but since returning, Phox couldn't focus on that. He'd spent his days going around and around the pack's borders, searching for any sign of Alyx's scent. So far, nothing, but it was all he could do.

Out of nowhere (at least to Phox), Eljay brought up Maia and Wraen's departure, and the Regent blinked. Did you want to? Phox asked. Do you still want to? Eljay was one of the best medics Phox had ever known, and losing him would be a blow, but he couldn't help but notice that this was the first time he'd seen a glimmer of hope in Eljay's voice.

Eljay was surprised that Phox jumped the subject so quickly. He wasn't too sure what Phox was thinking or feeling when he said those things; whether he was angry or sad or disappointed that Eljay even considered leaving, maybe just surprised, or if it was something else altogether. Not knowing made Eljay feel a little socially anxious, which showed even though he tried to hide it; Eljay'd never been good at hiding those kind of feelings.

The caretaker wasn't sure what to say in response, either. Did he? A part of him thought yes, but before he cold entertain it fully he had realised they didn't want him along, anyway. He supposed that was the most honest answer. I don't think it matters very much, he murmured. When it was suggested, Maia immediately said that I was needed here and that I didn't have to come along. I... I don't think that Wraen or Maia would want me, anyway. And I don't like travelling, I'm not very good at it. Besides, this is Weejay's home... And he didn't want to leave Weejay here alone; he didn't want to leave her at all. He wanted her to have a good life, and it didn't sound like she wanted to come with herself. The fleeting thought passed him -- what if she wanted him to leave? what if that's why she suggested it? did she need breathing space, just like Elfie did? -- but it was gone as quick as it had come as he decided that he shouldn't drive himself crazy with those sort of thoughts.

Talking about somebody else's problems was a welcome distraction from his own, which was likely why Phox was so keen on "fixing" Eljay's dilemma. Maybe if somebody else was happy and content, it would make Phox feel a little bit better about his missing child. Phox furrowed his brow when Eljay said it didn't matter very much. From what he understood, Eljay had been pretty good friends with both Wraen and Maia. At least, that was his impression by how the three of them seemed to hang out more than he did with any of the three of them. Even within packs, there tended to be small cliques.

Did you ask Wraen? Phox questioned. It sounded as though Maia didn't want to put Eljay on the spot, but Eljay hadn't mentioned anything about Wraen's opinion on the matter. As for Weejay, she's old enough to make her own decisions now, iddn't she? If she wanted to stay here, she could, but I think she'd be just as happy going with you. She's a good kid, and she loves you.

There was one more thing to address, of course.

As for the traveling... you could always hang out here until they've settled down, then join them later. That would have been easier to arrange if Wraen and Maia had a set timeline for checking back in, but Phox had a feeling they would come back and say hello eventually. At least, that was his hope. He had enjoyed the little time he'd spent with the two of them.

Phox seemed to go into solution mode which wasn't exactly what Eljay wanted, but he was too polite to tell Phox not to. So he answered the questions anyway, even if he didn't much feel like it. He'd been in the mood to explain to Weejay why he had turned down going with Maia, after all, not to be convinced otherwise. To him, it was pretty clear that he wasn't welcome, so why try create an opening there. No. I -- we used to be friends, but I feel as though things turned sour after... After Wiffle died... When she became a leader and I wasn't always -- there -- I guess... He didn't know how to phrase it, but one thing was very clear to him in this: Wraen didn't even come to tell me she was leaving herself. I don't think she'd want me there.

Weejay might be old enough to make her own decisions, but Eljay still didn't want to leave her. She was the most precious thing he had left, even if she was practically all grown up now. Elfie had left them and it had broken her heart -- so he could never leave her. I don't think it's fair on her. When Elfie left... He trailed off and frowned, so vividly remembering her pain next to his. He didn't want that for her.

Against the last argument he had nothing to say. He supposed that was an option... If all the other problems were solved.

There seemed to be a lot of unspoken things that happened around what Eljay was saying, and seeing as he, Wraen, and Maia had always had their own little clique within the Firebirds, it was difficult for Phox to decipher. Then again, the same could be said about him, Towhee, and Niamh. Why had it been so impossible to merge the two? And why was the pack seemingly always divided like that? It gave Phox a lot to think about, but he paid attention as Eljay continued.

Phox frowned when Eljay said he thought Wraen didn't want him there. Somehow, Phox doubted that. Why wouldn't she want Eljay to go along with them? Or had he talked himself out of it before she'd had a chance to say goodbye? Or maybe he had avoided her for fear that she wouldn't want him along. Whatever the reason, there were too many unknowns for Phox to help in any meaningful way.

Eljay brought up Elfie again, and Phox winced. Elfie had been in his care, and it was something he would never fully forgive himself for. I wish... I wish we'd been able to find him. I know he was in my care, and he... the landslide and everything... Phox's concussion had resulted in some time and memory loss, including whatever he'd said to Elfie before he'd attempted to scramble over the pile of rocks.

I should have done better, and I'm sorry for that.

Eljay didn't really realise that Phox felt guilty about Elfie at all until he brought it up and until Phox said that he wished that they'd been able to find him. Eljay blinked as it hit him like a truck crashing into a building when Phox trailed off and then apologised for not doing good enough. No! No... he said, shaking his head. It wasn't your fault, Phox. I... I chased him away in the first place because I was just... I was trying to protect him. Eljay frowned as he thought of how poorly a job he'd done at that. By trying to protect Elfie and treating him like he had no right to freedom, he'd chased him right away and if he hadn't, then maybe Elfie would still be alive.

And nobody could've seen the collapse coming, right? Eljay looked at Phox, hoping that that was indeed right. The only way that Phox could be blamed at all would be if they'd seen it coming, and he was pretty sure they would've immediately gotten everyone out if that was the case.

Eljay of months ago would've blamed Phox, for sure -- he vividly remembered blaming Towhee, even, when she first returned here, safe and sound, without his son. But by now he could distance from it in some way, and though it still hurt to think of Elfie's possible death but certain disappearance, he no longer felt the raw anger and helplessness that he had at first.

Eljay protested, as Phox half-expected him to, telling him not to blame himself. But what kind of leader lost somebody else’s child? Phox did not think he was cut out for that kind of job after that ordeal, and it had worn on him all these months. No amount of Eljay telling him it was fine would actually make it fine. But it was still nice of his cousin to try.

As for the last part, Phox nodded solemnly. Nobody had, or could have, seen that coming. Although Phox knew he would never make the mistake again of living in a place with only one entrance and exit. He had thought it would be a blessing, but it had quickly turned into a curse. I hope that when Elfie finds us again, he can forgive the lot of us, Phox replied. He did think that Eljay’s son was alive and well out there. If Fennec had been able to survive, even just for a little while, Elfie had to be alive, too. Right?

There was something else on Phox’s mind, too. I talked to Weejay about this awhile back, but what do you think about visiting the Frosthawks before it gets too cold? Maybe take the kids along, too. It’s only a day trip, and it would be nice to see Raven and the bunch for a little while.

Eljay felt his stomach clench at Phox' words, however true they were. Hopefully, the time away would have made Elfie realise that he did want to be with his father after all... If only for visits, at least, so that Eljay knew he was alright. He dearly hoped to see his son again some day, and he wouldn't quickly give up on the part of himself that still believed that she might be out there somewhere, alive and all. Me too, Eljay said with a nod.

The other thing Phox mentioned came as a surprise. Eljay didn't realise that Raven's pack was so closeby; he had always thought that it was quite some distance away from them. He would undoubtedly be unable to find his own way there, as the Plateau and Strath had been pretty much the limits of his exploration without guidance. He nodded eagerly. Wow - yeah - that'd be great! I'd love to! It was probably the first time in his life that Eljay was excited about exploration. He still stuck around the Copse most of the time, but the prospect of getting to see some of his other relatives again was good. He hadn't seen Raven in forever.

Oh wow, I hadn't realized how old this thread was, haha! Guess it makes planning future things easier. ;)

The Regent found himself enjoying Eljay's company more than he expected. Then again, why would he expect anything less? It was nice to see him in a more chipper mood when Phox mentioned Frosthawks, and a grin spread over his lips. Well, then that's settled! Maybe we can plan to go in roughly two months. That'll give us plenty time to plan and get the word out for anybody who wants to come with us. And Alyx will be back by then.

The thought of Alyx brought him back to the present and away from future plans, and Phox found himself glancing toward the borders again. I'm going to go retrace the borders again and look for any signs of Alyx or Niamh. Tell Weejay I'll keep an eye out for moss and any pretty flowers I find, okay?

Eljay smiled as Phox agreed that they would go and visit the Frosthawks. He'd never really dared go himself, and he'd never considered asking someone else to take him either as he felt it was a huge thing to ask, so he was glad that Phox had asked him. Eljay hadn't seen anyone for such a long time. As a matter of fact, he hadn't seen Raven and her family since they'd left the valley. I can't wait to see them, Eljay said with a wag of his tail, thinking in particular of Raven and Owen. Already he was giddy, even though he'd have to be patient for a bit longer until he could see them. He had not seen them for so long though; it was worth any wait, and Eljay was a patient man.

Phox then excused himself, saying he'd retrace the border to look for Alyx and Niamh. The smile vanished off Eljay's face and he nodded solemnly. Good luck, he offered with a nod in response to Phox' message.