Haunted Wood To make myself feel better

Maia had a lot of thinking to do and she found, the more she talked to others about her problems, the less clear the answers were. In the end, she left to think... and she wasn't quite sure why she wound up here.  At first she'd feared these woods, but as the sun began to set and turn the thick, twisted branches a ruddy gold, she found she didn't feel much of anything towards the place except a small, bitter bit of nostalgia.

This was what started it all.  If she hadn't been here, hadn't fallen into the Caldera, then she'd still be off traveling with Wraen and Arcturus elsewhere.  She knew in her heart that she wouldn't have traded what she felt for anything, but it was hard not to look back at how simple things had been then and not be jealous.  Why did being in love have to hurt this much?

She was having trouble sleeping, lately.  She just kept thinking about what she was going to say to him, how this conversation was going to go. I ask him again... he says yes.  He ends up hating it, and we fight nonstop, and he leaves.  He says no... I move.  I never get to know anyone in the Caldera as family and I just always feel like an outsider.  I'm miserable.  Or, worst yet... he says no.  I say no.  We just... don't.

Her eyes welled up thinking about it, and she sat down, back to a tree, and let her tears run free.  It wasn't pretty.

No matter what, someone ends up hurt.  Wraen... I can't.  I can't leave her.  Please don't make me.  She turned and pressed her forehead to the rough bark.  She didn't know why she felt so completely lost at the idea.  They'd parted ways in the past.  But lately... it just....

Time felt shorter.  Terance is dead.  Sarah is gone.  What if I leave and, when I get back, she's gone too?!. Her heart shattered to pieces at the mere thought of it.  It didn't matter that it was only a territory away.  Maia had lost too much.  She couldn't lose this.

The resolve strengthened in her until she knew, without a doubt, what her choice had to be.  She didn't know how to even begin to tell Eljay, and she closed her eyes, trembling at the thought.  He's going to hate me, she whispered, then broke out into silent, heaving sobs against the cold trunk.

Lilitu had initially thought the carnage on the mountain would quell her wanderlust, but it bounced back quickly. Almost as soon as they had returned, she was off again, exploring (though she did, at least, keep it relatively close to home). The adjacent, slightly spooky forest to the east was her destination today.

She knew she was working with limited time before Ibis came looking for her, and was about to turn back to the fen when she heard a soft sound—an animal? No, it seemed distinctly wolf-like, and sad. Like crying—

She began to follow the noise, brows knitting together in concern as it grew louder—and then even more concern suffused her face as she came upon the woman. Maia? she inquired softly, moving with a little hesitation toward her friend.

What's wrong? Why are you crying? Lilitu had done some of that herself, lately, thinking of Papa and Arielle. She wondered who Maia might be mourning.

Maia wasn't expecting company, least of all Lilitu.  She'd forgotten that some of them left to help at the mountains and all, she'd been so tied up in her own drama. Oh! Oh shoot, sorry.  Hold on.  She responded thickly, trying to get herself a little under control.

He will hate me.  There's no question.  She shuddered as she breathed in, but got things a little more reined in.  It was out anyway, she was already a complete wreck in front of the girl.  Explaining things now wouldn't make a difference, and Maia suddenly felt like maybe getting another perspective might help.  It would at least help to say it.

It's just... Eljay.  she answered quietly.  I wasn't sure, when we started, where we'd end up.  But I kind of figured I'd have to go there when everything was said and done because I knew he loved it so much, and that's the way he is.  Except after being here, she paused.  Not here here, but she knew, right?  I don't think I can.  I don't want to, and how are we going to have a family or even work if we can't even decide where to do it at?  Oh jeeze, she could feel herself getting worked towards tears again.  She took another shaky breath.

She'd thought maybe laying it all out like that would make her feel better, but it only made her feel worse and more hopeless.  Wraen had suggested both, but Maia wasn't sure she even was willing to do that.  Something in her was inexplicably driving her, something she'd never really felt before.  She wanted a home.  She didn't want a place she'd just stay for a few months, or a place that she was only visiting.  She couldn't do that anymore.

Lilitu had asked a couple questions, and now, she wound up facing a story. A story that made little sense to her. Who's— she tried, but Maia was already off to the races, and the girl tried to keep up. Eljay. Going places. Love. Family. It seemed really complicated, and she tried to twist her face into a compassionate mien while making sense of it all.

Eljay. Is that your. . .husband? Lilitu inquired, remembering the word Kukutux had used. Such matches are for adults, Lilitu. Well, so, then—that tracked. Maia was an adult, albeit a young and fun one. And if she was talking about starting a family and all—

Her yellow eyes were melted-butter warm as she stared at the woman. I'm sure it'll be okay, she said, trying to use her mother's soothing, mature voice.

Maia had a tendency to get so caught up in her own retellings, it almost seemed she was reliving it.  The same intense emotions tended to play across again, just as they had when she'd fought (was it a fight?) with Eljay.  It lent something to her storytelling but also tended to become overwhelming fast when asked to recount an emotional experience.

Lilitu was extremely sweet about it and Maia was able to let go of some of her embarrassment.  She shook her head, though, still wilting at the question.  It's really complicated.  I can't have a mate in another pack, it's... I can't keep that up.  Her ears tipped back.  It isn't fair to ask him to move here, but it isn't fair that I...  she couldn't even finish that sentence, it sounded so selfish in her head.  

We have to choose.  She finished, obviously at a loss as to how they would.  If Lilitu had any ideas, she'd gladly hear them!! She appreciated the optimism, but it was so hard to believe it right now.  It was funny that in the end, the girl was right; things would shake out in a way Maia never saw coming.

Why isn't it fair? asked Lilitu. To ask him to move? Mama and Papa moved us around all the time. Isn't that just what wolves did? Seemed to her like the solution was easy—and from her biased perspective, Brecheliant was a heck of a lot better than most other places out there.

She drew her paw along the ground, slowly, pensively. I don't want you to leave, she said, her own selfishness rearing its head. You're too nice and fun. If you go, I'll barely have anyone to talk to. Well, Wraen's here, but she's older and so smart—um, not that you're not smart, you're just—younger. . .

Younger, more like a sister. Like the sister that's gone forever now—

Lilitu broke off with an exasperated sigh. Sorry. I'm just sick of everyone leaving. So I think you should stay.

Maia was immediately surprised and immensely touched by the depth of feeling Lilitu showed when she said she should stay.  She hadn't even realized that the girl might be bothered if she left, which was stupid on her part of course!  She smiled, blinking a little because it almost set her off in tears again.  Ohmg, she was an emotional mess right now.

I think I should too.  She said, feeling her stomach clench as she said it.  That was basically what she'd decided, yeah?  That it was going to come down to her staying here no matter what.  She knew how he had his heart set on the Caldera, on the den there and everything.  But with Wraen's health and her role here and everyone she cared about... it would have to wait.  She wanted a family, but not at the expense of the family she already had.

I still think it was maybe selfish to ask, but I think it's right to stay.  So I'm not going anywhere anytime soon.  She smiled, a little sad still, but definitely feeling better than when she started.  It helped having someone here who cared outside of Wraen.  She didn't know the last time she'd had that, actually, aside from Eljay.  I can't let the trolls get lonely.  And someone has to help you sing to them.  She tried to pull it back to a joke, but she leaned down and pressed her forehead to the girl's shoulder in a quiet thank you.

She nodded firmly, satisfied. Good, Lilitu said, her countenance of the utmost seriousness. Then she let the mask fall, smiling widely but still gently. Maybe he'll like it better here than there. He'll be with you, right? 

Shouldn't that be all that mattered? Moving around a lot as a child was no picnic, but at least her family had stuck together. So odd (ironic? what say you, Alanis?) that as soon as they settled down again, they fell completely apart.

Maybe moving around was better, after all.

I'm glad you're staying, she reiterated. Then she paused, and cocked her head. How do you even get a hus—er, a. . .mate?—anyway? Did someone find him for you? We met a woman from the mountains that said she was trying to find husbands and wives for others.

I hope so! Maia liked the optimism of it and was more than happy to leave it on that cheerful note. Even if she couldn't one hundred percent shut off the part of her brain that insisted it wouldn't go that way, she could throw herself in the possibility and let it carry her through.

Oh! No, I just... well. I liked him before, but I got hurt and he took care of me. And it turns out he liked me too, and after that, we just kind of couldn't stand not being together. Not mates yet. But she didn't correct it because right now it felt too good to hear it. She really didn't want anything else, did she? Except to stay here.

It took a while, but I don't think anyone else could have done it for me. It's kind of something you have to feel yourself. She added, a little smile spreading across her face just thinking about how it felt. It didn't matter how bad she felt about the whole situation, that bit she wouldn't trade for anything. She didn't think she'd ever been, or ever would be, as happy as she'd been when he'd told her how he felt.