Redhawk Caldera Dallmayr Ethiopia

@Chickadee

At times, when Dwin needed time for herself, she visited a small rocky ledge by the lake. There she could either have a good overview of the caldera, there she could watch the clear water for signs of the Big fish or... play a game. She no longer remembered, whether she had come up with it herself or one of the adult figures in her life had lent her the idea, but the principle was simple: you picked a rock from the ground, picked a grievance from your mind, tied it figuratively together and then threw it in the water to let it drown. It did not always help to deal with all of the troubles, but this activity made a difference in, how she felt about them. The repetitive nature had a quality similar to meditations. And sometimes - after enough rocks or pebbles had drowned - the size of the trouble had also decreased. 

Here one could find Dwin again. Pushing smaller and bigger rocks in the water and watching them sink. It occurred to her for a moment that it might not be fair to the Big fish - her polluting their kingdom with her bad thoughts, but then... Big fish probably had Big fish problems and the problems of mere wolf did not bother them the least. 

chickadee found her sister sometime after, following dwin's trail with some reluctance. it hadn't been very great to show her up like that.
her nostrils quivered and then she let go of her indignation.
plop, went the rock. she cleared her throat.
"i'm sorry, dee."
best way to start? she held her breath.

Lost in thoughts Dwin had not heard Dee coming and only noticed her presence, when she addressed her.

Sorry. That simple.

She did not turn to face her right away, her paw rested on a stone she had wanted to push off the ledge seconds before. She inhaled, exhaled and shoved it. 

Click. Clack. Plop.

Then it was gone. So was the anger, leaving her very tired and disappointment weighing heavy on her shoulders. For Dee's choices. For her actions. And for this all mess. 

"I am not. For the way I felt," she finally said, looking her sister in the eyes. "But humiliating you in front of everyone was wrong."

Then she turned to look for another suitable rock to toss in the water. She found two. One she picked up and placed, where she had sat earlier, and the other was pushed towards Dee. A brief look, arch of eyebrows and silent invitation to join, if she wished to. Perhaps, there were grievances that Dee also wanted to get free from.

chickadee let out her breath, feeling just the smallest sting of what could have been resentment, if she had allowed it to be. instead she joined her sister, her eyes watching the ripples cast by the stones.
their circling expanded, overlapped; the girl drew a long sigh. "i didn't want to come home right away. because you were right, dee. i — was just -- always dirty, and hungry, and cold. and then we were really hungry, antigone and i, i mean — oh, he's a b-boy i met, the first time i went to look for ani."
"but we — there was a storm and, well." chickadee shoved the rock into the lake at last, feeling strangely lifted by the resultant splash. "you were right and i was too embarrassed to come home. felt like a failure. didn't find ani." 
tears singed the inside of her eyes.
"didn't have any adventures. just like, stressed everyone out for no reason."

Given the opportunity, Dwin would have gone on reprimanding her sister for lying and adding an "I told you so" and probably a whole tirade of, how this whole ordeal had made her feel, but... Dee's story of how things had actually turned out, made all the imaginary scenarios that should have given Dwin righteous sense of satisfaction ugly. Who was she to judge after all? 

"Real life's crap, right?" she summed up her sister's whole experience and her own as well. Turned out that the legendary Blackthorn wanderlust gene and the glorious tales of their ancestors, who had been born with silver spoon's in their mouths and hadn't had a single bad day in their lives, were withholding tons of useful facts. "Dad's stay-at-homedness makes much more sense now?" she chuckled, choosing another rock and pushing it in the water. "There goes bad decisions of the past... and a toast to all the bad we will make in the future," she smiled. 

"Why would you ever feel ashamed to come back? Brecheliant is your home," she said, seeking her sister's gaze. "Home by definition is one's safe space. But you have found another?"

"i mean." her cheeks scorched. "a little." it felt like a betrayal, admitting that. "it's sort of why i felt — ashamed. i was guilty that i felt okay somewhere else."
she flicked an answering rock into the depths, breathing a bit easier.
"i found moonglow, or really they found me. i learned to take care of others, to stop being so selfish, you know. to like, be alone. to appreciate what i do and what i have."
the girl glanced at her sister, trying to offer a genuine smile that brightened her eyes a little. "i never forgot you, any of you. and i was always planning to come back, not just like, disappear forever."

Dwin felt a little jealous that Dee had found a different pack and was not telling, what she had wanted to hear - that place sucks and I am coming home again. Once again - it was hard to be a better person and to make herself feel a bit better about this mix of emotions she admitted that she was by no means perfect. And should not expect to be such either. 

"Sending a messenger bird earlier, would have always helped," Dwin pointed out, but smiled. "But that does not matter. You are here now. Who is your friend?" she asked.

"oh, that's uh, that's kivaluk. we — he found me, after — well. i was in bad shape. he took me to his mom-person and i got better."
we live together
but many parts of chickadee didn't want to reveal that for many reasons, and not least among them was the fact that she wasn't sure dee was ready to hear it.
"i've been traveling between here and there. hunting around. you could come with me, sometime. if you wanted."

People and wolves alike are complex characters and sometimes seemingly similar or very same things may cause vastly different reactions. Dwin felt a bit more alarmed, when Dee mentioned a new mom-figure, but accepted the fact that Kivaluk was her sister's boyfriend without blinking an eye. Dee after all was The Girl in the family from the very beginning. While Dwin had been busy digging trenches, traps and fighting battles with imaginary hordes of enemies, Dee had taken interest in things that girls her age should be interested in. Dwin could not name them all, of course, but there had been a time, when her sister and the adopted sibling had been fawning over the same guy. Dwin had never understood the appeal, but she had accepted everyone's choice in hobbies was valid. 

"I will," Dwin promised. "It's just there are so many kids around. And it would be unfair to leave the parents now," she explained, but there was palpable longing in her voice. She was not ready to admit to herself it yet, but she was simply not cut out for the life of a pack wolf only. 

dwin wanted to leave. chickadee's ears flicked. "i'm not going to live in moonglow forever," she declared. "there's like, the entire winter." if she survived starvation and rainstorms, she could do it again.
her eyes lit; her mouth curved. "maybe we go then. you know? just for a bit. till spring." spring, with all its unknowns, but for now, in this moment, she was only focused on her sister.

"Let's see, when it comes to it," Dwin replied with a shrug. She did not wish to make any promises she would not be able to keep. Or Dee for that matter. With things having turned out the way they had this time, she wondered, whether making any plans for the future was worth it. Because circumstances could and would change. 

"Parents ain't getting any younger," she said after a pause. "Who will be left here, when they are gone?" she asked, keeping back if all of us leave?

"bronco and teya, i guess. they're blackthorns too." but her voice had dropped to a mumble, because chickadee didn't like to think of stuff like that. "but, if you mean, like us? our family? well —" and she had less of an answer for that.
weren't you supposed to grow up and leave? but maybe not, maybe if — 
"maybe i'll end up coming back," she heard herself say, glancing in surprise at dwin.

"Oh, right..." Dwin remarked, having forgotten that Bronco was their uncle by blood of sorts and that his offspring had just as much right to this land and pack as they did. Except, would it really be the same, if none of the children from the original founders stayed behind? What about the Redleafs?

But maybe all of it was just a technicality. Maybe the truth was that... "What if it is never going to be the same? You know - maybe I am not worrying about the future. I am mourning about the past that won't return," she replied thoughtfully. "If you return here and are not happy? That's a feeling you can neither force, nor fake?" she asked half-rhethorically.

this was getting deep. chickadee was quiet awhile. "maybe it's not supposed to be the same, dwin," she said at last, softly. the water shimmered out in front of the girls, girls right on the edge of not being girls, and still filled with all these youthful expectations of brecheliant. and of each other.
"if i come back and i'm not happy, i'll go someplace else. this is home. but maybe home can be us, too, you know? like, wherever we go, we take a piece of home with us. if you and i stay together, then that's two pieces. but even if we both go, i don't know, to the ends of the earth or whatever, you'll still have your piece, and i'll have mine."

It was an interesting and creative way to think about it, but Dwin did not feel entirely convinced. Taking a piece of home with her, when the actual place and people no longer existed, felt foreign. To an extent. There was some reluctance on her part to even imagine a world, where her parents no longer lived. Or any of the other people, who were the actual pillars of, what she considered home. 

"I do not think it would quite work like that," Dwin remarked, looking at the ripples on the water surface caused by the last rock thrown in there. "But then... mom and dad probably had their homes before this one too. It is hard to think that there was ever a time, when they did not know each other," she said and her eyes lit up suddenly, when a new idea entered her mind. "Just think... we might meet people in our lives that we do not know yet, but they would make a difference. 

Just think - they are out there somewhere, doing something and not knowing... when that life-changing moment will happen," she finished her thought. "Not knowing is annoying and strangely exciting as well, don't you think?"

"yeah," chickadee answered, albeit a weak answer in the face all dwin had said. what she couldn't articulate was that her sister's experience outside brecheliant had left her with an expansive curiosity about the world, while losing ani and almost starving to death had made chickadee insular, introverted.
"i think i'd want to know, actually," she said a beat later. "i — sometimes the not knowing is more scary than anything."
"i do know i don't want to go far, not like that. not again." the thought was half formed and so she did not expand on it, smiling a bit at her sister. "i'm starving."

"Let's go eat," Dwin agreed, glad to have this heart-to-heart session over. It was harder to open up to someone than it might seem and she found she did not like to dig too deep in the matters of her heart. Not even if it was her own sister.