Larksong Grotto Send in the Clowns

Fighting a dull headache, Masquerade skulked along the fringes of the grotto. They wanted to track down Augur eventually, though first they sought out their cousin. They moved closer to the borderline of the neighboring rise, figuring @Ancelin might be out on patrol. They hoped they might catch him alone.

alone, but visible — ancelin pulled a rabbit apart and ate the steaming liver.
masque's arrival caused his hackles to flicker momentarily. "thought you guys had left." did he mean to be cruel? hell if he knew. the more he thought about it, the more resentment was building in his heart for avicus and the constant push-pull-disappearing act his entire family had pulled. why even stand here?
he tossed the remains of the thing aside and didn't look toward masque as he stood.

Masque was in luck. They found Ancelin eviscerating a rabbit. As soon as they spotted him, they slowed to a stop. Their temple pulsed as he climbed to his feet, spitting bitter words their way. Masque frowned, though they remained motionless as they tried to gather their thoughts. It was difficult, as there were so many.

I think we all needed some time and space to process, they said at length. I know I did. I’m glad I found you, Ancelin. I was hoping the two of us could maybe sort this out somehow, Masque confessed candidly.

srry ;;

oh. they were here to be a mediator. ancelin's lip curled. "i don't need to process anything. i know what i want. and i'm not the one you should be talking to."
his nostrils flared; he turned the indigo eyes on his cousin. "this was always gonna be a redtail place, huh? that was always the goal. she didn't have a chance, did she?"
rhetorical.
"i can't sort this for you, masque. only your mom can. but wait, did she leave again?" and now he was being cruel, shoving bitterness over atreus and aventus and arielle into his words; "because that's what she does."

His anger was valid, though it didn’t make it easy for Masquerade to take. They had been on good terms before and now that was ruined, wasn’t it? Masque clenched their jaw and stayed silent as he projected on them. A thousand rebuttals floated through their mind, though they bit their tongue.

They could not ignore the barbs—every one of them was very much felt—but Masque asked, What do you want, Ancelin?

"i want to go!" he exploded, jerking away from his cousin so they would not feel it would come to anything physical. "i've wanted to go for months, masque. you don't know what the fuck it is like, to lose your dad, then your mom, then your brother, then — literally anyone else who knows you, for who you are. not what you do."
"i don't want to mediate anything. i'm done, masque. i really am. lilia has been — someone constant. and your mom won't even give her a chance. that's why i'm still here. don't forget we were here when she wasn't."
wounded, knowing he had said things he couldn't take back, ancelin didn't leave. he waited, wilting, wanting to drum his head against the dirt and stay there until this was over. "we were leaving, dude." he couldn't get over how sideways his world had tilted since then. "and you should too." his eyes blazed suddenly. "you're here. no one else is, masque."

The words exploded out of him, sending Masque’s ears splaying backward. He jerked and they did too, though they settled when it was clear the movement wasn’t targeted at them. Masque swallowed and became a statue, listening to their cousin’s every word.

I’ve been here the entire time, they agreed. I hear you.

Their brow furrowed pensively at this last string of words. There was a lot Masquerade had come here to say, though they’d always tried to listen first. That hadn’t changed.

What do you mean, ‘you should too’?

god, it felt like he was vomiting. masque just standing there while he proverbially spewed made him feel worse. they had been here. but they hadn't Been There in the way he needed, a father who didn't leave him. a mom who cared enough to stay. that wasn't their fault, though the anger broiled all the same.
"i mean you should leave. i mean, you should leave, today, just go somewhere else and — and be someone else. not a redtail. that name isn't something you own, it owns you."
"that's why you're here mediating when you weren't even close to what happened. that's why i can't walk out of this place without knowing it's really over. no matter what you want. no matter what i want."

They would be lying if they said they hadn’t entertained the thought, especially these past few days. Being a loner would suit them in some ways, though they’d never been without the support of a pack. It would be fraught in entirely different ways than these sociopolitical complexities.

But in the end, they knew, There are many reasons why I don’t want to leave. Masque paused, then restated matter of factly, But you do.

It was not a judgment, just a statement of fact. For a moment, they said nothing else. They let that knowledge float between them.

I’m mediating because all of you matter to me, just like the rise matters to me. I don’t have any ulterior motives. I just want to find the best resolution for all involved, Masque tried to explain before cutting to the chase and questioning, So I ask this genuinely, Ancelin: you don’t think leaving now would be for the best?

ancelin stared at them. his tail twitched. yes, he wanted to say. yes. i wanted to be gone before all this. 
but then he remembered how lilia had seemed that day, how the tension had eaten at them. how augur had seemed. how he had felt so disconnected from them all. 
he hadn't been there either. but she had, and he felt her emotions under his skin, buzzing.
for the best. him, leaving his home, for the best?
grandfather's bearish rebellion rose like boiling bile through his throat and spilled; "i did think that. but now it's too late to leave."
lilia wouldn't budge without a resolution. ancelin owed no one anything, not even augur. not new snow. not the kids, not his cousins, not his aunt.
he had cut his heartstrings here.
but she hadn't, and for that reason the rise remained under his paws.
through her, this was still home. ancelin, tethered by a single mooring.
"what happens if i don't?"

“What happens if I don’t?”

It will tear the rise apart for good, Masque supposed in a somber voice, unaware they may have misunderstood the question. Then you will eventually leave anyway.

They felt a flicker of frustration, though it wasn’t directed at Ancelin any more than his anger was truly targeted at Masquerade. They breathed through the momentary angst, their eyes tracking over his face.

Or, they continued, you and Lilia could run off into the sunset together, just like you planned, only a little sooner. You could go and build your perfect future together away from this mess. And give the rest of us a chance to rebuild peacefully. I know that’s easier said than done but it’s not too late, Masque implored, pausing before finishing, I know it’s not fair to you. None of this is fair for me, either, and that is why I’m asking you to consider it. For me.

And the kids, they added in their thoughts, though they both knew that much went without saying.

it was the wrong thing to say.
masque spoke fairly, evenly. logically. they laid out the reasons why it should be done, appealing to ancelin's sense of rightness. of relief.
perfect future.
it was supposed to be here.
into the sunset.
to cut himself off from the family was one thing. that was his choice. to hear his cousin other him in that moment —! a chance to rebuild peacefully — as if avicus coming and going had not been what broke their peace in the first place.
he stared at masquerade for a long moment, a muscle twitching in his handsome jaw, caught between saying fuck it for good and —
you're the reason things are broken, was the message ancelin received, the only message. 
it was the wrong thing to say for what appealed now was control.
the rise was in his control. he could tear it apart. he could deny them the rebuilding. he could do anything he fuckin wanted.
a tiny smile suffused with malice appeared on his mouth.
avicus did not want peace. she wanted to be in control.
this was no longer about cousins or uncles or well-meaning mother figures; in this moment it even ceased to be about lilia.
this was melonii and ursus and sithis, bearclaw, blackfeather; this was ancelin and avicus, the last of that first accursed family. he was her and she him, and ancelin had never felt closer to her before.
finally — finally — finally; he had something she wanted.
"you should go see augur before this all goes down," he said hoarsely, rising, stepping back.
the wind caught at his nape, and for a moment the coldness of the indigo eyes thawed, leaving a stark affection for masquerade in spite of whatever was going to happen, slowly covered by a seeping resentment.
he turned away.

The words that came out of his mouth next perplexed them. They were strange and cryptic. Masquerade made no attempt to hide their confusion; it was written all over their ruddy face. Their lips parted to ask what he meant, though he was already stepping away.

Ancelin? they said as he turned, voice raising as their head reared back in complete confusion.

They gathered their wits, coaxing their muscles into action. Masquerade hastily moved to flank him. Some instinct told them to keep their distance even as they tried to catch his eye from two yards away. There was something wild on his face.

What do you mean, ‘before all this goes down’?

"you know avicus isn't going to let me stay. and i don't plan to walk off. where does that leave us, masque?" ancelin's voice was conversational, but his eyes were empty, fixed ahead upon nothing but visions, sensations.
anger, anger, anger; why was he so angry?
why shouldn't he leave now?
because it would be abandoning lilia, saying 'tough luck, you're on your own.' leaving her to —
maybe you should be wealda, a tiny voice told the listening ear now thirsty for whatever control he could take.
he almost said it out loud; maybe i should be wealda.
i'm a redtail too. don't want to be. but i am. if it means so much that they need to
rebuild in peace.
he was wounded. he hated this. he hated the feeling of his gut dropping, his breath ballooning and then torn away; had he really always mattered this little?
unloved boy, unwanted son.
"go see augur or leave."
now it was a command. "i never left," ancelin growled, gazing beyond masque's shoulder toward the outlands, toward his lands, searching for that familiar red frame. 
"i was always here." nonsensical, maybe, though it was only golden truth to ancelin. "so. i'll let you stay long enough to talk, and then you will leave."
his. his. he had something avicus wanted.
ancelin frothed the nearby foliage with piss and stalked over it, daring masque to follow with a hard shift in his hips.

More words spilled out of him that didn’t make sense to Masquerade. They desperately wanted to understand.

I’m not following, they tried to interject, though Ancelin didn’t seem ready or willing to press pause and elucidate.

Ignoring his sudden, inexplicable demands—as well as the urge to remind him they had never left, either—Masquerade gritted their teeth and planted their feet.

What do you mean, Ancelin? Help me understand what you’re saying.

Instead, he began marking the foliage. He was like a man possessed. Masque’s head began to spin, perhaps even worse than the day Avicus had said she was leaving the rise.

And then a bolt of pain pulsed through it like an electric shock, causing Masquerade to cry out. Wincing, they had no choice but to retreat, else they feared their cousin might attack their weakness.

"i mean if she wants it, she can come here and take it."
there it was. recklessly said, uttered like a man throwing a discus. he had stopped now, and stood seething not far from the damnable border of the pack he had always wanted to love and only been allowed to endure.
their cry of pain brought his ears up in concern, but masque was already pulling away, and he felt each second of the distance as if it were a piece of his skin being pried off —
regret. shame. determination.
his indigo eyes followed his cousin as his heart broke, and he turned sharply back for what he had to take now, if only to keep it from being taken from him again.

He finally spit out something Masquerade could understand, though it took them a moment to parse his words through their pain. They clenched their teeth and breathed harshly, eyes squeezed shut until the wave of agony passed.

Feeling decidedly shaky after the fact, Masque squinted over at him. They knew they’d heard him right, though they didn’t understand how the conversation had gone off the rails so abruptly. Now was not the time to assess that, nor even to seek out Augur.

Why would Masque drag the poor Ulfhedinn—and themself—further into the crossfire if according to Ancelin the only solution was for Avicus to take the rise by force? Would she attempt it, when they carried this message back to her?

Their expression was full of every sort of pain as they raised their eyes to his face one last time. They could feel another wave coming and it would force their hand. They must go. Before they did, their eyes caught his, begging him to reconsider this needless destruction.

something was wrong with masque. he sensed it in all of him, half-turning and almost taking a step toward them.
but that had passed.
all the better moments were over.
he gazed at them, lifting his chin in resignation.
masquerade needed to leave, and he needed to tell lilia what he'd done.
but this wasn't about her, or augur, or anyone else. it could be ancelin versus the entire rest of his family, and he had stopped caring! why care! if they hadn't ever cared about him, if he was so easy to turn away, then he wanted to see it. to feel it.
ancelin walked for the rise.

Ancelin took a step toward them and hope flared brightly for a second, immediately followed by another javelin of pain thrusting through their skull. As their cousin lifted his chin and prepared to walk off toward the rise, Masque tried to turn the other way, only to sink to the ground.

Unwittingly, they unleashed a shriek of agony so piercing, it would easily reach the ears of everyone on the ridge to the north and the rise to the south. And then they slumped over, insensate and entirely at the mercy of friends and enemies alike.