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Ooc — Starrlight
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Warrior
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Assisted by her raven friends at times, at others by what the pack found, Fennec brought food to @Bronco when she could. Her roamings out of the territory sometimes carried her further than necessary, but she did not go so far as to require overnight. She spent as much of the time as she could, when she was home, with @Killdeer.
She hadn't spoken with @Towhee or @Ruenna since she'd stepped down. She hadn't bothered to tell them about Bronco yet and honestly, she wondered if they'd noticed. Unkindly she figured they probably hadn't. Wouldn't be much of a change, would it?
Her explosively bad temper had at least abated somewhat, turning more towards a quiet and awkward unwillingness to engage with much of anyone. Today she stood quietly in the middle of a copse near the edge of the trees, head high, just... listening. She breathed in, tasting the wind, then held it a moment - before releasing it slowly, clearing some of the tension from her mind.
It had been a very long time. And she'd never done this for herself. She just needed some direction to go in. Anything.
She flexed her paws against the cool dirt at her feet. Things felt so in flux right now, like she wasn't sure of anything. Even before Bronco came back, but now more than ever, she was so tempted to just do something to tip that balance and drive towards a certainty. Even if that certainty meant changing everything. She'd thought about leaving... thought about driving him off for good. She'd even thought about challenging Towhee and Ruenna both, though that one was more a spiteful desire to take it out on them than anything else. She didn't mind the thought of lighting her whole life on fire, not if it meant she was finally done with this.
She had to make a decision and soon. She'd be waiting forever if she didn't.
Leaves rustled overhead and her ears flicked. She remembered, suddenly, doing this for Bronco what felt like a lifetime ago. What had she said then? Fennec tried to recall it, remembered something about fear. How he was so afraid of himself, and if he didn't learn to somehow live with that, he was... fuck. She didn't remember all of it, but it was pretty funny, delivering that kind of advice to him when she was the way she was. Who the fuck was she? Really?!
She knew what she wanted, what she really wanted. She'd known for months, if not years, and had been too scared to even think about it.
This was Penn all over again, in a way. And yet it was so much messier than that. She could feel herself moving towards that place again, though, and the idea that if she just shut him out then maybe she'd never have to worry about going through this again. At this point it was starting to feel like an unavoidable pattern for her, something as inevitable as winter. She couldn't stay here with this. If she did, this was going to be her life - this quiet hatred of anything that even remotely reminded her of what she wanted and didn't have. She needed to move forward.
And in that future, the only thing she needed to be certain of was Killdeer.
With that thought came absolute blinding clarity. It didn't matter. It didn't matter what he said, or what came of it, but she needed to know. She was tired of being afraid.
It might hurt, but she'd live. And she'd be okay.
Fennec stepped sideways, leaning up against a tree and pressing her cheek to it. Then she laughed, softly, feeling the weird tension that had been weighing her down, for what seemed like forever, suddenly lighten.
She hadn't spoken with @Towhee or @Ruenna since she'd stepped down. She hadn't bothered to tell them about Bronco yet and honestly, she wondered if they'd noticed. Unkindly she figured they probably hadn't. Wouldn't be much of a change, would it?
Her explosively bad temper had at least abated somewhat, turning more towards a quiet and awkward unwillingness to engage with much of anyone. Today she stood quietly in the middle of a copse near the edge of the trees, head high, just... listening. She breathed in, tasting the wind, then held it a moment - before releasing it slowly, clearing some of the tension from her mind.
It had been a very long time. And she'd never done this for herself. She just needed some direction to go in. Anything.
She flexed her paws against the cool dirt at her feet. Things felt so in flux right now, like she wasn't sure of anything. Even before Bronco came back, but now more than ever, she was so tempted to just do something to tip that balance and drive towards a certainty. Even if that certainty meant changing everything. She'd thought about leaving... thought about driving him off for good. She'd even thought about challenging Towhee and Ruenna both, though that one was more a spiteful desire to take it out on them than anything else. She didn't mind the thought of lighting her whole life on fire, not if it meant she was finally done with this.
She had to make a decision and soon. She'd be waiting forever if she didn't.
Leaves rustled overhead and her ears flicked. She remembered, suddenly, doing this for Bronco what felt like a lifetime ago. What had she said then? Fennec tried to recall it, remembered something about fear. How he was so afraid of himself, and if he didn't learn to somehow live with that, he was... fuck. She didn't remember all of it, but it was pretty funny, delivering that kind of advice to him when she was the way she was. Who the fuck was she? Really?!
She knew what she wanted, what she really wanted. She'd known for months, if not years, and had been too scared to even think about it.
This was Penn all over again, in a way. And yet it was so much messier than that. She could feel herself moving towards that place again, though, and the idea that if she just shut him out then maybe she'd never have to worry about going through this again. At this point it was starting to feel like an unavoidable pattern for her, something as inevitable as winter. She couldn't stay here with this. If she did, this was going to be her life - this quiet hatred of anything that even remotely reminded her of what she wanted and didn't have. She needed to move forward.
And in that future, the only thing she needed to be certain of was Killdeer.
With that thought came absolute blinding clarity. It didn't matter. It didn't matter what he said, or what came of it, but she needed to know. She was tired of being afraid.
It might hurt, but she'd live. And she'd be okay.
Fennec stepped sideways, leaning up against a tree and pressing her cheek to it. Then she laughed, softly, feeling the weird tension that had been weighing her down, for what seemed like forever, suddenly lighten.
this was so good oh my god what a spread. I didn't expect this to go where it did tbh. I cannot believe...
Problem - 7 of pentacles
Cross - the tower
Root - Justice
Past - 9 of swords
Goal - the lovers
Future - 8 of cups
Self - mother of wands
Hopes/fears - 7 of swords
Opposing - daughter of cups
Outcome - 5 of pentacles
Tags are for ref!
Problem - 7 of pentacles
Cross - the tower
Root - Justice
Past - 9 of swords
Goal - the lovers
Future - 8 of cups
Self - mother of wands
Hopes/fears - 7 of swords
Opposing - daughter of cups
Outcome - 5 of pentacles
Tags are for ref!
Fenn is blind, and as she's older, will take all of her character insight from tone. If you are ever uncomfortable with an assumption she makes, please let me know!
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