Redsand Canyon Bane

The young wolf had not known what to do with himself in the Imperator’s absence. He had put himself to work. Patrols on the mouth of the canyon. He climbed to the higher portions so that he might look down and see how the snows shifted along the red stone. Cad contemplated going to the lake but diverted his path upon an unfamiliar scent - the Imperatrix. 

The boy sniffed quietly, uncertain. He had a pheasant he had caught from early in the morning. It’s feathers were bright and shimmering. Cad could offer it to the woman he had only seen in passing - her eyes misty and mesmerising from afar. 

Ma’am? Madam @Fennec? he called to her, hoping he might draw near.

She wasn’t in the mood for company. Fennec swallowed the thorns that threatened to erupt, though, and packed them tightly down. For the next few weeks she needed to wear the role of Imperatrix completely and let it override her desire to disappear.

This was the second time Killdeer’s presence had been an anchor keeping her in place. She was so fucking blessed to have a kid like him. Even with all of her other cursed luck.

You’re new, yes? I’m sorry I haven’t met you yet, but the Imperator told me your name was Cad. Fuck, she sounded as stilted as he did. Just Fennec is fine.

She was no madam.

Yes, ma’am- er- Fennec, he corrected himself swiftly. He didn’t want to upset her. She looked tired, so tired. The weight upon her shoulders must have been enough to sag her. She still met him with kindness. Her pale sandy fur pulled his attention for a time. The misty look in her eyes was unmistakable. 

I brought you something if- if that’s alright. Just something to eat. The pheasant was lowered to the ground and nudged forward until it would touch her paws. His mossy gaze was warm, bright, seeking. Cad wished to ask her about her skills. The Imperator had said she was a medic, too. 

Cad, yes. That’s me. I was hoping to meet you. I’m something of an aspiring medic, the young wolf offered. His voice was sweet and soft. To his listener, he would sound enthralled and reverent.

Fennec was always amazed when she met someone whose voice seemed entirely untouched by cynicism or doubt. She used to think it was something to be made fun of; @Figment had been similar, once, and she'd assumed it made her better because she obviously knew things he didn't. She didn't realize until the moments she heard it again how much he had changed, being stuck with her. And how much she missed her brother now - every version of him.

She would never know how to handle earnestness well. I'm not a medic here. That was too harsh, fuck. I have the skills, but that isn't the role I chose. There's others who would make far better teachers. She didn't doubt her skill but did doubt her patience.

Thank you, for this. Stilted. Suddenly, she grew frustrated with her own wallowing. So the fuck what?! Yeah... he was fucking gone. This wasn't anything new, and honestly, it was a hell of a lot cleaner than last time.

Grow the fuck up.

Fuck it. C'mon, walk with me. Without waiting for a confirmation, she picked up the bird he'd dropped and began to move off in a direction. If nothing else, she could at least show him her garden.

The peach-faced medic was unphased by her initial response. He had known others who had followed a different path, one that was not filled with as much loss. Cad imagined there were other skills she had to offer and thought she could benefit Mereo by giving one of them that didn’t involve her healing.

It did not mean that he thought she had nothing to teach.

Cad’s whiskers twitched while a crooked smile formed on his mouth. There was a tonal shift in the woman. He was intrigued by her nature, her manner of speaking, the expressions upon her face. Her thanks was offered an exhale through his nose. The smile grew. Gratitude wasn’t necessary-

Swift as a hare, the woman instructed him to walk.

Cad bounced on eager paws beside her. Just close enough that their hairs might brush, so that she knew he was near.

He followed silently, which was nice, since Fennec sure as hell wasn’t in the mood for small talk. He got into her space, however, which was less nice.

She growled a warning, low in her throat, and shifted away. She didn’t need his help and she sure as fuck didn’t need his support.

I know where I’m going. There was a warning note in the crack of her tone. She didn’t care how “nice” he seemed or how interested. Fennec had been left in charge and that meant she held one thing to her advantage - she called the shots and could segment out whatever distance she needed. There were maybe five wolves she wanted anywhere near that close to her right now… and only one of them was here.

Fennec was independent and sufficient in herself.

Cad did not hide the laugh that bubbled from his throat. He wasn’t taken aback by the woman or her tone. She had her ways and he had only just been invited to follow her. It was best not to make the woman feel that he had moved so close out of a desire to help.

I have no doubts about that, ma’am. I’m the one who needs to stick close, I’m afraid.

The mossy colors of his eyes shifted toward her. Her paws were sure. Her figure was lithe and fit beneath the earthy sand colors of her coat. Cad worried that he might have offended her with his touch. The hairs of his coat tingled as he pulled away to allow her the space she may have needed.

The Imperator instructed me to learn the canyon from above. I’ve been doing my best to accomplish that task, he offered Fennec.

He didn’t apologize, and maintained his distance, both things that soothed her somewhat. She was raw enough that she could feel the unreasonable nature in her reaction, but the way he responded made it seem he understood… at least on some level.

But then he mentioned her husband and she was reminded, again, that none of them really knew. They thought he was a man to be respected. “Honor”. That was the last time she’d ever trust a man who put any weight on that bullshit. Because surprise, surprise - “honor” was a fucking lie too. She had never given a single shit about the way others saw her and maybe, if she’d trusted that instinct, she could have avoided this mess altogether.

Fennec’s ears flicked moodily as she sensed the shadows cross them, noting that now they had entered the cover of the forest. She slowed a bit but continued forward, letting the roots and air guide her among the trunks.

What did you join Mereo hoping to find? She asked abruptly. It was only tangentially related to what he was speaking about, but she didn’t have any sense of what he meant when he said map the canyon from above. Instead she wanted to know this.

The sandwalker was unperturbed by the woman he had joined. Her direct words were comforting. Her sharp tone was something he could admire. There was brightness in her, beneath the murk of whatever weight had smothered it. Cad was not so quick to give up on the company of others. He could find sunshine in the most dismal of places. Fennec did not have a dismal soul. He did not need to know her to be certain in this.

As they walked, the milky-eyed woman asked him what he expected to find in Mereo.

Cad exhaled, thoughtful. Her question was valid. His peachy features were drawn into a pensive expression.

I- whiskers twitched upon his snout. I think I was relieved to find somewhere that felt familiar. My role was a medic on the front lines of battle, in my homeland. Hearing rank and order, well… that’s easy. That’s something I can do. There was more to it, though. Cad worried he would give the impression that he was foolish to this woman.

I thought, too- If I followed the snowy mountain, perhaps I would find the outpost I was intended to travel to. Hopeful folly.

Familiar. She didn’t know why this struck her as annoying; maybe because it was similar to so many other soldiers here.

She didn’t hide the judgement despite it not being personal. What is it with this pack and tradition. Everyone here acts like doing anything new is a crime. I always figured familiar was another word for boring, just a cheap way to avoid taking any kind of risk. Fennec scoffed a little, rankled. You don’t have a clue what you can do if you’ve never tried anything else.

It was a harsh judgement to make of a stranger she’d just met but at the moment she felt they needed to be said.

If you are looking for something else, you should stop wasting your time here. The last statement the most necessary and also the most out of line. An edge to the words she couldn’t hide… and more and more, the lie that anyone was actually happy where they were was becoming unbearable to tolerate.

It was swift, the fire that sparked beneath her words. A blessing, perhaps, that she could not see the look of dumbfoundedness upon his features.

Cad was speechless, taking in her words and the intention behind them. He had only washed up on an unfamiliar shore. Familiarity, commonality, those were things he thought were wisest to seek. The words she said had merit, though. In his home, the wolves were remarkably similar to how she described Mereo. Soldiers were alike, he had found. They were men underneath, but they scarcely allowed themselves to reveal those tender parts.

You’re right, he said after some thought. But- But not entirely. I’m not opposed to new. The only thing I’ve known has been the sand and the war that took place on it. This is already new! The laugh that bubbled up from his mouth felt inappropriate, in the moment.

Miss Fennec, my time is not wasted here.

The mossy eyes of the young wolf ventured to her features. He wished he could hear more. He wished he could comment on the oddity it was that she had pledged herself to a home where she felt such discontent.

I’m already learning.

He was agreeable. Worse than that, he laughed. She wanted to take his happiness and bury it. Or chase it from the canyon, somewhere she wouldn’t have to hear it and remember that her own was as unachievable as fucking honesty was hard to find.

Impossible.

Nothing here is new. She replied, likely dropping all pretense that this was about anything he’d said. Her voice still carried an edge, and she wondered (not for the first time) if this had been a mistake. Company wasn’t something she wanted right now.

Fortunately they were getting close. She paused near where she knew the garden’s edge to be, but her stomach curled, thinking about the fact that she’d be uprooting her work for the second time. These plots would be left to wilt away. Fuck. Now it was her turn to laugh, the sound abrupt and harsh. Maybe it’s just me then. Apparently I didn’t learn a damn thing.

It hurt him to hear this strife in her tone. Cad didn’t know Fennec. He had not learned the reasons for her brusque words. Even in his unknowing, he felt that there was reason. Could she have been shaped this way from her early years? Maybe, though he had doubts.

The strife was with Mereo. He was new to the canyon outpost. There was no room for a newcomer to speak on her home. She led alongside the yellow-eyed man. Question after question formed in his mind. He wished to ask her, but the young medic sensed that she would do well if he held his tongue. For a time, the silver-furred wolf followed her. He was mindful of her space, of her sharp edges. Cad did not believe that this was all she had to offer.

They drew near to a garden. It was lovely and well-tended.

Cad stood reverently near its edge. He jumped with a start at her laugh. Mossy eyes danced up to her face, reading at her features.

She claimed that she had not learned anything.

Maybe it was not your time to learn. Fennec was being much too hard on herself. But a time to build. She would not see the way his eyes burned into her before flicking to her garden.

This is amazing work. His voice was soft.

He didn’t know her. He was a stranger, and there was something liberating in knowing that in a few weeks his opinion wouldn’t matter. More likely than not she’d be gone.

She didn’t need his pity. Or his reassurances.

It’s yours. I won’t be needing it after the Imperator returns. It was likely none of them would be staying, but even more likely still she’d part ways and the rest would follow him East.

As though he deserved their loyalty. Only her family would know why he was gone.

You can leave it to grow over, for all I care. But you at least might be able to get some use from it. When she left, this time she wouldn’t be taking anything with her but her son. She wouldn’t make the same mistakes again.

Hm, he sounded. The noise hung thoughtfully on the air.

This had grown into the most cryptic meeting he’d had. Cad was bursting with curiosity and wonder. He wanted to dig deeper into this woman’s turmoil. The desire to help beat alongside his heart. He cursed himself for his nosiness and forced his tongue to be held. Fennec had lived a life. She carried things with her that were none of his business to ask about.

Is there something you’d like to get off your chest?

Damn, he couldn’t hold it well enough.

Cad closed his eyes and his mind flushed with internal reprimand.

I wish to be a medic of the mind and heart as much as the body.

The explanation was only offered as a reason for his intrusiveness. Fennec might think he was a nosy little fox, snickering his way into her inner thoughts. Cad didn’t know how to explain to her that he understood pain of the soul, that it was just as wicked as the physical turmoil of a soldier. For soldiers could easily carry their scars and they would be recognized for the harshness of their battles.

Fennec’s were hidden beneath the sharpness of her tongue and the milky wash of her eyes. No one could see the scars she bore on her heart. It must have been a horrible pain to hold.

Perhaps he meant well but sometimes that was worse. Talking about her feelings probably would have helped, but the walls slammed down immediately. There was no way she was going to get into it right here, right now, with him.

Absolutely not. With that final note, she turned and started to walk away, not even bothering with a dismissal or a goodbye.

He couldn’t help her. She didn’t know what the hell he expected to get out of this, but she found herself hoping he left disappointed. Something about his optimism grated her in a way few others had; maybe it was the timing. Maybe it was just her. Either way, she couldn’t be here anymore.

He’d find out soon enough. If Germanicus wasn’t lying again he’d be back and they could fill everyone in on how things were going to go. Until then she was making herself scarce.

She told him she’d be here. She never promised to be the Imperatrix she’d wanted to be. That role was reserved for the Imperator’s wife, a title she assumed she no longer held.

The young man should have expected her response.

Fennec’s voice was sharp and final. Cad’s eyes were closed as he tucked his nose toward his chest and allowed his shamefulness to fill his belly and silence his tongue.

Those final two words were all she was going to leave him with. She turned away from the garden and the boy with the peach face. Her anger could be felt in the air between them. Cad wished that he could release her from it, could dispel the feelings she had with a few simple words. He felt that he had only made things worse for the woman. Fennec had been angered and he had been made none the wiser.

It had been too much, to try reaching out to her. Cad felt that he had crossed a line.

The silver-furred wolf worked in her garden until he had cleaned away the dead portions and checked each of the plants that grew strong and healthy. He didn’t stop thinking about the intense Imperatrix until he had tiredly walked back to his quarters to find sleep.