Blackfeather Woods the good, the bad, the crazy

The moments ticked by, long yet inexorable. Her brain in a fog, Maegi went to the swamp and found the moss; raided Potema's cache for the poppies, careful not to ingest any herself. She needed a clear head, both to heal Cicero and for what came next. But her father would need the pain relief, and so, despite her inner turmoil, she made haste, returning to the den with her jaws stuffed to bursting with medicine.

Cicero guided her through the steps, and the girl found a sort of uneasy peace in these ministrations, delighted as the moss began to soak up blood and the poppies dulled the razor-sharp pain that was etched deep in the lines of his face. It was gentle, empathetic work, a job she couldn't imagine Potema ever doing. Was the white priestess so? Could she hate only her pups--her brother--and have love for everyone else?

The familiar anger filled her--but a sense of loss, as well. For when she spoke next, she would seal her destiny. She would stay in these Woods, where her mother remained. . .and would see her brothers leave.

"I'm not going," Maegi announced suddenly, her voice uncomfortably loud in the quiet clearing. She flattened her ears, feeling an incredible mixture of guilt and self-consciousness. "I mean, someone has to let everyone else know that we found Cicero. That we're all okay. And that you're going to find this. . .mentor."

Her breath left her in a sudden sob, her composure crumbling like autumn leaves underfoot. She was lying, to them, to herself, to everyone. "But really, I'm scared," the girl cried out, hanging her head with the sorrow pressing down on her like a tremendous weight from above. "I'm really scared. I'm not brave like you, Ramsay, or clever and quiet like you, Euron. I never even left the Woods until after the war. And I hated it!

"I don't want to leave! I don't want to leave Kove, or Nyx, or the Altar or the stupid poison tree or Mir--" Her face crumpled as she moaned in agony. "I don't even know if we buried Miraak! He's probably still laying there where they killed him!"

She felt like she was being torn limb from limb. Every word, every thought, that tumbled from her mouth was like a blow to the chest, hitting her harder and harder until she was left breathless. Gasping for air, she tried for sentiments between sobs and failed, instead breaking down into mindless whines for a long moment as the grief overwhelmed her.

Her eyes lifted to fall on Euron and then Ramsay, her throat filled with a lump she couldn't swallow. "And I'm a stupid coward, because I don't love anyone more than I love you two," Maegi whispered, her voice barely audible. "But I can't go. I don't want to go. I'm scared."

Walking clumsily over, she butted her head against Euron's shoulder and cuddled up to Ramsay--gods, how many times had she done that? Ever since they had been born, and they had helped each other survive, giving each other their body heat, their hearts, their souls. They should be inseparable, and now she was ruining it all, all because she was selfish. And scared. So terribly scared.

"Please come back one day," Maegi pleaded, muzzle pressed hard against Ramsay's cheek. She lifted her head and blinked at Euron, then looked to Cicero, the adult in the room. "Please come back when it's safe. I don't want to lose them forever." Another sob racked her body as she stared at her father, who had done nothing wrong--at least to them. "I don't want to lose you, either."

And thus, the girl sealed her fate. It seemed she was bound to the Woods forever, that she would choose this place over life and limb and family, the closest she had. The whispers through the trees were her breath, the bubbling of the creek set to the beat of her heart. Whatever destruction lie ahead here was her destiny, too. If she was to die, she would die here. It was meant so.

But for many moons to come, she hoped she died. She hoped something struck her down for the betrayal of her brothers. And their faces, twisted and still in death's agony, would haunt her nightmares until she saw them once more. If she ever did.

Maegi stayed glued to their sides until they left, feeling as if her life was coming to a screeching, devastating halt.

"I'm sorry," she said over and over. As if it would make it better.