Noctisardor Bypass I own that technology now.

and heda lunged sideways to cut him off, knowing with a flash of bittersweet triumph that she had gained more than he. she ignored his words of hatred, reveling in the way that horrendous smirk dissolved from his mouth. "don't worry, anselm. i knew god put me in the dirt the moment you told me how insane it was what i wanted."
and he had. wasn't that also something they'd talked about?
god's cruelty.
god's lack of love.
while heda had not relinquished the idea of god nor his love despite all the blows taken, her zeal for the one who had once given her a sunshine life opened her to the maliciousness of her own pain, and she rained her blows after anselm. she did not need a scapegoat when he offered himself so willingly to this dance of hurt.
she leaned into it, embraced it; it was horrifically wonderful to feel something other than grinding fatigue, choked-down resentment, and sorrow.
heda caught fire before anselm's retreating eyes, a paladin who sought to avenge not god but herself.
"it was. it was him. i guess i don't have to ask you what it's like to watch someone who taught you and fed you and protected you just leave. i guess, anselm," her voice rising because she could not control it, "that i don't have to wonder why you don't hold anyone dear."
heda knew on some level that anselm's grave devotion to etienne was something more, and her teeth flashed with the remembered knowledge; did he want that assumption too?
"he taught me the same lesson, anselm, and do you know what i did? i made it work! i lived my life. i made something of myself. you don't see her anymore, and neither do i," the tears that might have fallen sundered to ash, "but i was more than you ever wanted to be."
heda might have come at him again; she braced, for they'd come to blows once and she almost wanted it anew; had not a singular cold thought drenched her flaming sword and stoked the golden eyes to a new fire;
oh, oh, no, please —
she thought of gideon;
"all this talk of fathers. i t-think i know your mother too," and she chuckled with a vast wide emptiness even as she sank that knife, she wished, directly into the place where anselm had issued a remark to her so shattering to her faith that she had willingly borne his teeth next.