Lost Creek Hollow Here comes good news, here comes sorrow

Maybe a kindly @Sandulf could be lured into this one? ;w; <333 Mwah!

Before leaving for the valley, Crowfeather had hoped that he might patrol the hollow and mark their borders. He didn’t want to take a small trip and leave Silvertongue with all the work. She already had done so much for their settlement. The girl was a miracle worker and a blessing to the dark-furred tripod. He had grown close to her. In his heart, he loved her as much as he could love a friend. The young wolf simply did not understand why he couldn’t push himself to love her as more.

Mind muddied with thoughts of his emotions, Crowfeather stopped near the edge of the hollow and let his gaze trace the valley’s rocky back. The trip would be good for him, he thought. He could use the air and the ground beneath him. It would make him feel like he had purpose and was capable – feelings that he hadn’t experienced in many months.

A familiar scent drew his eyes back to Riverclan.

Of course he can <3 <3 <3

Sandulf moved through the pathways of their home. Leaving markings where they needed refreshed. Russet paws tearing up the ground as he walked, black kissed fur moving with the wind, filling out gently.

Sandy pressed through the trees, and lifted his head to meet the gaze of Crowfeather. He chuffed quietly and shifted in place, and moved closer to him a smile on his face.

Hello Crow? What brings you out at this time?

He waited patiently and tilted his head. Ears flicked forward and back. They twisted and moved about.

I thank my lucky stars you and Ebony are so kind to let me occupy so many of your threads. ;w; <3

Sunchaser, hello…

The dark figure relaxed at the sight of the other man. Sandulf’s presence had been paramount to their group. He seemed to get along well with Silvertongue. Then again, Crowfeather believed that she could charm anyone with her beautiful eyes and her kind words. She had such a marvelous way at communicating. Sandy had a strength with his words, too.

Do you think- Do you think that I could ask you a question?

Crowfeather’s gaze grew worrisome. He was not certain that he wanted to fixate on the things that troubled him. His future was with Riverclan. His home was with Silvertongue and Sandulf. They were going to build a beautiful place, together. As the days passed, Crowfeather had not found the aching in his heart to have eased much. He was so tired of feeling lost.

We love to thread with you too :) <3

A small smile lit up his gaze at the new name, he was bestowed. He remembered fondly that first conversation they had. 

Hello.

There was a sag to Crow as Sandy neared. It bothered him that someone young should have such burdens on the inside. It didn't seem might fair. And Sandy hoped by being around, he could alleviate that some.

Course you can. Though I can't promise I'll have the right answer. Ask away.

Sandy shifted nad settled to his haunches. All his attention on the shadow kissed tripod in front of him. Warm Yellow eyes waiting patiently to hear and hopefully answer.  Though what the question was he wondered. Hoped it wasn't so hard he was at a complete loss. He'd like to offer something.

It was to be expected that the man would respond so warmly, so pleasantly. Crowfeather did not understand how he had gotten so fortunate to share his company with Sandulf and Silvertongue. They were good, better than he would ever be. The shadow believed that they could have had anything they wished for. It was a gift that they were in Riverclan with him. It was a gift that he knew them, at all.

Crowfeather had become nervous in the moments after Sandy agreed to hear him out. He wasn’t sure how he might word his question properly without coming across as daft. It was better to spit it out than to mull over it.

Have you- Have you ever been in love with another wolf? Real love. Something that makes your- your chest hurt with how much you f-feel it.

The tripod’s eyes were wide, golden, and fearful.

If nothing else the Matriarch of the clan of Ardeth had taught her sons absolute manners. There had been constant lessons, and were they anything less than gentleman, she made their lives absolutely hell as only mothers could. Extra chores, that love with a bite. Yes he could remember that well. Sandy was content with his lot in life.

Crow seemed a bit nervous. So Sandy just waited calmly, quietly. But the silence was not capricious, it was calming.

Sandy smiled. ::I thought I was. There was a wolf in my sister's pack, that I thought of often. They were a kind creature, willing and able to help where they could. And I suppose I loved them as I knew how to at the time, but I fell short. I wasn't worthy enough to love them as much as they loved me. It took me awhile to get over that heartache. But I did get over it or more so accepted that it will never be. Sometimes it still sneaks up on me, but I'm can think of them now and smile.

Crowfeather listened with tall ears. His eyes did not flutter or shift from Sandy’s features. The man had opted to share a portion of himself with the young shadow. He had opened himself and had given a piece of his past.

In Sandulf’s answer was something of a response to Crowfeather’s next, unasked question. When the other man had finished speaking, the tripod felt heat rise from his neck. There was a familiar sensation pricking at the back of his eyes. The shadow might have cursed at himself if his company had differed. Instead, he clenched his teeth until he felt an ache in his jaw and he turned his watering eyes away from the soft glance of the other man.

Why are you so weak, Crowfeather?

How- his voice cracked pitifully. How do you make it stop?

The shadow could not meet Sandy’s eye. Every ounce of his body hurt with the effort to keep himself from crying.

Crowfeather was the absolute perfect listener. He didn't interrupt or add to the story, he simply listened. That was something Sandy liked about him. He always felt like whereever they were, no matter what was going on, if he needed his undivided attention. He'd get it. 

Sandy saw the pain and the tears before they began to arrive. And he was helpless to stop it. He ghosted forward and then stopped, hovering.

Crow can I uh, hug you?

He didn't want to force his presence on the wolf. And he didn't want to give him a hug if he didn't want it. That would have been unfair of him. Some wolves liked to be alone or untouched when they were upset. 

Though the next softly, painfully uttered question. Clenched his heart. Well I don't think you do. It just sort of becomes a memory that is happy versus sad. I believe that everyone we have loved, as a place in our heart, perhaps only a small portion but it's there none the less.

Sandy drew closer to him and before he had asked permission to hug the shadow, Crowfeather had shied away. There was a spike of fear sense in him.

In the Starsea, if the young seer had ever revealed his emotions, he had been met with a sharp tooth from his father. The scorning words were still burned in his mind.

It’s not right! You are not meant to have a mate. You are our clan’s guide to the stars!

What do you think your ancestors would say to you? A disgrace! To say that you have feelings for another boy. You are a fool and a child. You will not do this to our clan.

But Sandulf was not Whitestar. Sandy was kind and gentle. His voice was not sharp with hatred. The warmth of his coat was touched to Crowfeather. The dark figure still could not allow himself to look up at him. Shame welled inside him, gushing against his rib bones like waves on the rocky shores.

It’s ruining things, Sandy… I’m going to ruin everything.

The tears tumbled from his eyes.

Silvertongue is so kind to me… his voice shook with each word, each attempt to restrain himself from crumbling. I know- I know she wants more. I- his head fell back with his words. Watered eyes searched the clouded skies while tears fell from his face. I can see it. I’m doing the same thing to her that he did to me…

What a sick joke, that he should find himself cursing Germanicus when Crowfeather continued to allow Silvertongue to press closer and closer to him.

Sandy froze as Crow moved and wanted to back up. He didn't want to bother him. He didn't move in any fast way. Instead he simply waited, and when Crow moved against him, he embraced him as gently as he could. He knew these things were not the way. His own love had been one that had not chosen a gender for themselves. So he could understand how this was difficult.

Ears flicked forward as the words began to come. They came fast and hard and painful. Each word like a blow. And his heart broke each and every time. How could someone hold this much pain inside. How had he survived? Clearly he must be a perseverant soul. A generally good soul.

First you aren't going to ruin anything. Nothing do you hear me. I would think that Silver tongue is sweet and kind enough to not take it to hard.

Secondly, whoever did this to you, deserves all my wrath. He grumbled to himself. 

Have you spoken to Silver tongue on a more personal level? That you cannot give her waht she wants or that she even absolutely wants that?

The words offered were understanding, impersistent.

Without knowing any of the context, Sandy stated that whoever had done this to Crowfeather deserved his wrath. The three-legged wolf sagged, head shaking in denial of it.

No… he doesn’t. He doesn’t even deserve my wr-wrath.

Stars, he felt stupid.

It’s my fault. I- I thought the things he did- I thought that was- air hissed through his teeth as frustration bubbled to the surface. I mistook kindness for love. Germanicus had not loved him. Germanicus loved Ruenna. Germanicus had only done what was right, as he had always done. It had been Crowfeather who had misunderstood his intentions. It had been Crowfeather’s fault that he had left whatever relationship he’d shared with the older man, in shambles.

It’s my fault. A sniff followed this statement. The words were colder than the air around them. Crowfeather bent his head to wipe away the wet from his eyes.

I haven’t talked to her about it. Sandy, I’m- I’m afraid. She’s my best friend. I want to give her everything she wants. Wouldn’t that make Crowfeather happy, too?

If he took a confession badly, then it is him that deserves the wrath, Crow. Just because you don't love someone back, doesn't mean that you have leave to treat them poorly. You should accept it with grace and turn it down with grace.

Sandy could understand where the colors of the lines kindness and love could get blurred. However, if this wolf was so kind. Then he shouldn't have hurt Crow to begin with. Chances were the male was closeted and just refused to admit it. and thus he blamed it all on the wolf before him.  That is usually what happened in these cases he noticed. Because there was such a thing as too kind, and that was where the lines grew blurred.

Sandy squeezed the male tighter. Laying his head over his head if he'd allow. Then it shouldn't matter. If she is your best friend as you say, and Silvertongue is filled to teh brim with grace and kindness. If she is your best friend and she loves you. Then she should be able to accept whatever you can give. And she should want you to be happy as well. And if that is merely as her friend then so be it.

Sandy bit a lip. If you enter into a relationship of this caliber with her, and you don't have affections for her. You could hurt her worse or yourself. You could lose yourself in teh process. However, unfair it is. I'm sorry Crow. I know how hard it is to not love what society thinks you should.

Sadness shifted to anger inside him. Crowfeather didn’t understand why Sandy was so nice to him. He didn’t understand why Silvertongue had come with him. The self loathing in him wouldn’t allow the shadow to see that there might have been something worth following. All he could see were his mistakes. All he felt was regret and anger - so deep that it made him sick to his stomach. Sandy would have been a prized member of any clan. Silvertongue could have ruled over two hundred wolves, and with ease. 

I don’t want to be this way, he confessed. 

Crowfeather had never known love from another man. He had only ever felt hurt by them, or his expectation of them. The feelings he had shared for the few who had left an impression on him had ended poorly. Just like Germanicus, the others had wanted nothing to do with him. Men did not love other men. 

But Crowfeather only pretended to be a man. He was nothing more than a boy. 

There must be a way to make me change. No matter how Sandy tried to soothe him, the shadow would not hear it. He wanted to be rid of feelings for other men. He wanted to see them the way they deserved.

Sandy knew that there was nothing much he could do to change Crowfeather's way of thinking. Because his friend was so far into his despair at the moment nothing was going to talk him out of this. Though his next words drew a sharp breath from the red tinted wolf. 

Why on earth would you want to be anything but yourself? This way as you put it, it is what makes you you. And you my friend i know you don't believe me right now, but you are amazing and kind and good. I wish you could see yourself the way Silvertongue and I do. I really really do.

Sandy bit his lip and spoke. As hard as it maybe to realize, i was similar. But I found that embracing the wolf i was, gave me much more peace than constantly fighting against it.

Sandy's yellow eyes grew sad, and tears threatened to take him. I am afraid there isn't, Crow. You can try of course, but it will do nothing but make you unhappy.

Sandy shifted and held tighter. Afraid if he let him go, that Crow would dissolve or give into his self-loathing and he didn't want that. That was the worst part of it all and it hurt so badly.

Crowfeather wished that he could see himself as they saw him, too. Maybe it would make sense why they were still there. But Germanicus had stayed for a long while, too. He had stayed for what felt like seasons, until he hadn’t. How long would it take for Sandulf and Silvertongue to realize that they should depart, as well? How much time did the three-legged shadow have with his friends?

The young wolf would have given anything to change. He would have cleaved his heart from his chest and offered it as a sacrifice, if it would guarantee him some sense of normalcy. It was easy for Sandy to offer such advice! He was kind and handsome, he did not suffer with this madness. The weight of what Crowfeather was felt unbearable.

I’m tired… of being alone.

Crowfeather had friends, of course. He considered himself quite fortunate to have the company he did in Riverclan. They were good to him, and he did not deserve it. Friendship was different, though. It did not reach the same level of intimacy that he so craved. He could not grow a family or fall in love. He was unlovable, he had concluded.

Crowfeather sniffed, lifting a paw to rub at his eyes.

Sorry, Sandy. I should not have said anything. It’s fine. Everything’s fine.

The dark figure stiffened, hardening himself against the rush of emotion.

Sandy had no intention of leaving the wolf behind. There was nothing that he wouldn't give ot make him happy, even if it was his own life. And that was a thought for another day, for the red tinted black beast.

Sandulf knew well the sharp pain of being unaccepted of being afraid of yourself. Of knowing that you were different, but not knowing why. Of all the males in his family, he was more feminine than masculine. Even in teh way he moved how he talked, it was how he was. He had learned early on it was a part of him, and he wished that he could share the knowledge and the know how with Crow. that he could share with him how it was to love yourself.

You mean without a lover? That is hard, trust me I know.

The gentle male gave a soft purl and then spoke a little harsher than he meant. That's bullshit crow, and I don't like being lied too. But I understand why you want it to be fine, that you feel you over stepped here, but you didn't. I promise.

If allowed the man would rub at the tears that colored his friends face. Try and at least get rid of some of them.