Lion Head Mesa you bring out the worst in me

How dare she.

HOW DARE SHE.

@Ramesses had allowed Charles' bride, @Lilitu, to leave the pack and go back to her homeland at Redhawk Caldera. Every time Charles went for a stroll, that rock stood out like an eyesore to him. Get hit by a damn meteor, assholes! The fact that Lilitu was not there showed everybody else in Akashingo what a laughable failure Charles was as a Prince; no children, a runaway wife, a drunk...

It wasn't that he was particularly attached to Lilitu. Sexually, women meant very little to Charles (other than, of course, proving that he was a big strong man) and in his time in Akashingo, he was slowly coming to terms that perhaps he was not a deviant entirely. Perhaps it was okay to be into men. There were all sorts here at Akashingo; men, women, something in between, hard-to-tells, confusing-as-hecks. He had not slept with the Pharaoh himself, mostly because that would be the ultimate admission of guilt, err, preference, and besides, what would it prove? That it was okay to be gay? Besides, Pharaoh was... nice... which was exactly what didn't appeal to Charles. Like, he knew himself way too good to know how he would mess that up. Make Pharaoh mad accidentally on purpose. Make Pharaoh a not-nice-guy because that was what Charles was into (not that he'd ever admit). Pharaoh didn't seem like the kinda guy who was fun when he was mad.

There were some things that the coywolf simply did not manage to get rid of. One of them was his penchant for hurting himself. It was just like he felt he deserved it, even though he totally didn't think he deserved it. It was weird and hard to tell what the eff his problem was. Certainly, the servants had noticed that he was hurt inexplicably at times. Thankfully, nobody had made a comment on it.

Charles was drunk most of the time, these days. Berries, berries, FASTER, MORE BERRIES DAMNIT; it could frequently be heard shouted through the halls of Charles' luxurious rooms. It was a perfect combination of overindulgence in the luxury he had not earned but merely received, of trying to forget who he was, and trying to punish himself (this latter thought mostly passed him by when he was throwing up the contents of his stomach someplace).

But, oh yes, how dare she.

Charles considered going after Lilitu and finding her in her perfect little happy-go-lucky home place that Pharaoh had allowed her to return to. Maybe bring a few guards and show her what happened to runaway brides. What was wrong with this place? What was wrong with being by his side? She didn't even have his children, even though they tried, and it hurt Charles more than he would ever admit to anyone. The fact that she was walking around un-pregnant, childless, in itself confirmed that there was something wrong with him.

And fuck damn it YES there was a lot wrong with him, but Charles wouldn't let anyone else fucking say that to his face as clearly as his damned wife had.

It made him angry.

And desiring of berries.

He smacked his lips, an angry, frustrated frown on his scarred face.

MORE BERRIES! WHERE ARE MY G-- FUCK DAMNED BERRIES?!

Just in time he stopped himself. He didn't even remember what servant he had asked for the berries. He didn't even remember rightly so if he had asked them. He was drunk and angry and simmering and stewing in that anger. Well, it was their own fault, for making him a prince and giving him so much power. Everyone could've predicted how poorly Charles would use it; he himself especially.

"shouldn't you have water, highness?" 

tavina's voice was dry. charles was the most irate member of the palace. she would almost take ramesses' sardonic attitude and horrid demands over this. the man was drunk; a weltering fragrance of crushed berries followed him everywhere now. there would be time enough to stop that when the season turned to snow.

the sesh halted the tired servant at the door. the prince outranked her but tavina had better things at heart. she stepped into his room and offered crushed moss dipped in cold water, along with a tonic for his stomach. her herbs were carefully laid out. and her purpled eyes were on him.

"she left because she was not pregnant," tavina said, cutting smoothly to what she thought was the heart of the issue. "no one is a prisoner in akashingo." and without motherhood binding her to charles, lilitu had been free to go.

it was just she and the prince now. she stooped down to look into his angered, bleary face. "is this who you want to be, royal one? you are a prince of the palace." did this not matter to him? she began to mix the second medicine, something to settle his bitter stomach. "the servants fear you. the stores are all but drained of berries." her brow narrowed. "pharaoh will eventually be angry with you."

Shouldn't you have water, highness?

Adding injury to insult. Charles' nose wrinkled as he turned to look at Tavina. She was the one who had brought him here. At first he had thought that maybe he was being imprisoned by the man who had threatened him to return, who had always been possessive and weird around him. But then it turned out to be heaven. For a time. Heaven and hell were so very closely related, Charles had found as his time as Prince of the mesa. It still made no sense to him why he had been chosen; he was a worthless piece of shit. He knew that. Tavina knew that.

Heck, probably even Ramesses knew it. Was this all a game? Was it to spite him? To make him dependent on them and helpless and then pull the rug and dump him in the wilds to die? Or was there really a reason that Ramesses had picked Charles out of the wasteland and had had him given baths and food and a good life?

It made no sense to Charles. Even he knew how worthless he was, after all.

I don't want water, he hissed at Tavina as she stepped into the room and laid out the cold water-soaked moss and some sort of tonic. I'm fine. It was the least convincing way anyone had ever said those words.

Charles froze when 'she' was mentioned. He hadn't told anyone about his dismay in the whole situation. He didn't think that anyone really noticed or cared about it, in all honesty. No one is a prisoner in Akashingo. Well, she was his wife, and she was making him look bad! Shut up! he snapped when she finished speaking about Lilitu. This is not about Lilitu!

Some more garbage came about whether he wanted to be this person. Of course he didn't! But it wasn't exactly like he could bring himself back to the store and exchange it for something better, now could he? Charles did not want to be this monstrous asshole, but he also felt that he had no choice but to be; because this was him. This was what he was born as. He was just not a good person, and all the pampering brought out the worst in him rather than fixing any of his problems.

Pharaoh would eventually be angry with him, surely. He was counting on it. Maybe hoping on it, who knew. Is this who you want to be? Of course not, but she had an easy time talking about that, because she wasn't him. She had no idea what it was like. Charles felt self-hatred rise in his gut and he felt the strong urge to send her away and hurt himself.

Instead, he said, Ramesses chose me. His voice was dark and resentful. He told me to eat them. If there weren't any more berries, he should make sure there were more; or never have offered it to Charles in the first place. You have not got any right to come here and tell me off. Charles narrowed his bloodshot eyes as he looked warningly to Tavina. He was not entirely sure of her rank, but he was pretty sure that he was above it.

goodness he was a petulant man. 

tavina took all his tutting and demands with an easy expression. "you're right. but i am not a servant. i am the doctor of akashingo, and i may speak what i see." she motioned with a paw toward the medicine. "the tonic will become less effective the longer you wait, highness."

she glanced around his rooms. "pharaoh wants you to drink with him, not alone. he means you as a member of his court and yet you are hardly seen." when a fellahin came peeping at the door, she sent them off again with a harsh look of purple eyes.

"i suggest you let me bathe you and begin to go out of doors," tavina warned softly. she moved to offer him water, quite aware that he could strike her or refuse and nothing would be done. she had only the force of her bearing. "ramesses desires a companion in his prince. you have the pleasure-servants and more power than you have yet explored."

tavina lifted her chin. "it is time to become a prince, great one."

Ugh, even worse that she acknowledged she had no right and then did it anyway. Charles glared sharply at her, as though he was contemplating taking action; but what such action could he take, anyway? And what excuses could he use for it? Nothing. He stared at Tavina, who was suddenly a symbol of everything that was wrong with him. A strong woman who would tell him what he was doing wrong. Tonic? He did not recognise the word. Charles' blurred sight roved over the things she had put out. Watery moss, ugh, pass... Some other herbs... Was he supposed to eat those? Charles did not want to be seen for the incompetent man that he really was, and he did not dare to ask her what was the 'tonic'. So he lapped some of the water off the moss to stall, and then decided to just inhale and chew on all of the herbs that were laid out, hoping that was what he was supposed to do.

Tavina, just like when she had found him out by the creek, just like when she had first taken him into Akashingo, started to try and, what... help him? Why?? Charles did not understand this at all. Ramesses wanted him to drink with him... Well, he did that, too, but he also drank alone. Besides, he knew so little of court that the pressure of going out was just so enormous! How would he know how to behave? The wedding ceremony seemed to have gone well enough, because he could just sort of follow what he was literally being told to do in the moment. But after that... Well, of course he had, you know, with Lilitu. He didn't understand what'd gone wrong. The shame of not producing children — and the empty meaninglessness of the parentless life — was too much. And so he drank.

Bathe.

Become a prince.

Charles' gaze, as he chewed on the herbs, reflected a mistrust. The why? was clear in the glaze over his eyes, wary, pondering if it was all a trick. If she would trick him into failing again. He just didn't understand! There was a vague hint of gratefulness too, but honestly, it was very hidden; because he was too afraid that he might be wrong to trust her. And he was too afraid to fall even further than where he was, now.

"yes. dandelion root to perk you, wild potato to settle your stomach, and a bit of poppy, to steady your head and keep you — grounded without the overuse of berries, royal one." she watched him lap half-heartedly at the moss and then set upon the herbs all at once. tavina would have liked charles to eat one at a time, but no matter.

she sat placidly as he ate, but her eyes were nothing less than sharp. "you exist in splendor at the whim of pharaoh. a word and he will demote you or send you out of akashingo. keep him happy, lord charles."

she thought of pretty, saddened lilitu. it was unfair what she would next say but it was for charles' good. the girl had returned to her family and it was obvious there was little chance she would return to lay again with the prince.

"you must find some way to gently blame her for this." her voice was matter-of-fact. "he may replace her. he will not tolerate more shame from you, however, so if you wish to go the route of divorce, be prepared to perform until a pregnancy is assured."

she sighed and thumped her tail. "i know it is all so much. that is why you have me, prince, so curb your tongue next time i bring you medicine and good advice." but her tone was not angry, and neither her gaze as she said it.

Tavina explained what the herbs did, but Charles just chewed on them without question. He was no doctor, and he didn't understand half of the words she spoke, anyway, so they blew right over his head.

She warned him that the Pharaoh might demote him or send him away. Charles did not fear that; he awaited it. He did not welcome it, of course, but he knew that sooner or later, he would mess up. He always did. That was in his nature, and there was nothing he could do to change it. He did not understand why Ramesses had ever made him Prince, and now the Pharaoh was slowly starting to see that he had made a huge mistake in doing so. Well, Charles had never asked to be put in impossible-to-fulfill shoes. It had just been cast into his lap and now suddenly he wasn't good enough? Ramesses brought that onto himself.

He did not say that, of course.

Keep him happy, lord Charles. But how?

You must find a way to gently blame her for this. Never mind the 'gently'. But it is her fault! She's the one who left! Charles blurted out all of a sudden, his tone indignant. The poppy was starting to soothe his head a little; it was a different kind of drug, but it was pleasant in its own way, he supposed. Charles did not necessarily need another wife, but he would rather have one that could actually have children, if he had to choose — he did like the prospect of being father again, especially in a place where he had agency over his own children, unlike at the Saints. Tavina insisted to keep trying, but how? She now lived somewhere else. Should I go to her, then? he asked, still a little indignant, but clearly willing to listen. I — we — did tried, he said, clearly a little flustered to talk about it; But it just did not work. I know it's not me, I already made a daughter before! He thought back to Lotus with a pang in his heart. How he missed his little girl, but she had vanished and that was, apparently, life.

Charles seemed to ignore Tavina's gentle berating of him being grumpy towards her tonic and advice, though he did take the words to heart. He both had an ego too big for his own good and had never learned many of life's competences, which left him attempting to fit into the shoes of wolf without knowing truly what was expected of one walking in those shoes.

How? he asked, suddenly. How do I make him give me a new wife?

He needed something — anything — to focus on. This seemed as good an endeavour as any to cast his attentions and efforts at. Better than getting drunk wallowing in his own misery over his terrible wife, at least.

so sorry for the wait! do u want to wrap it soon and have an updated one sometime? <3

"make yourself worthy of one. pharaoh put great effort into this match for it not to be fruitful." she hardly suspected the woman would want anything to do with charles, even if he did go to see her. but their arrangement had not been dissolved.

and so there was always a chance, she supposed.

the news that charles had a daughter was surprising. there was no hint of more than what he was. it spoke to the life he had left behind, and which might even now be troubling him.

"if it's a wife you want, you'll need to prove you can be a good husband. that you can provide her with support and standing. you are a prince of akashingo. let it be so."

there were other ways to beget children which were not wives. the fellahin many a time had hidden a lord's pregnancy. but they would not be legitimate. and she wanted no babes brought so into the world. 

"i am going to get more water." tavina stepped toward the door. "don't go to her, prince. rest here. recover. meditate on what you will achieve." she paused, purple eyes flicking over him. "shall i tell pharaoh you will join him for breakfast tomorrow?" her tone was encouraging.

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Charles felt impatient and annoyed with Tavina's advices as she reiterated that he should make himself worthy of a good wife. That he should treat Lilitu well and provide her with support. Charles glowered, because he knew that this was all Lilitu's fault and he did not want to indulge her any longer. He had been far too kind to her, he realised now.

He did not want a wife, but he certainly entertained the thought of having children of his own once more; a family. He wanted to make up for not having been there so much for Lotus. He wanted to make up for his own shitty childhood and find some peace of mind by being a better father to his children than his own deadbeat one had been, nor his own mother had been. A wife was just a means to an end, and a way that he could keep pretending not to be the deviant that he was. He fancied only men, but he could pretend well enough to impregnate a woman.

More advice was given and though Charles was grateful on some level, it did not show. Tavina said she would bring more water, and asked if she should tell Pharaoh that Charles would meet him the next morning. Ugh, fine, do what you want, Charles said, not giving a clear answer and clearly still in a petty mood. The coywolf collapsed onto his furs, his head heavy and pounding, as he watched Tavina leave.

we can wrap and do a new one! :)

fading!

tavina bowed herself from his sight. 

when the sesh was out of earshot of the brat prince, she sighed a quick sharp sound. his shaping would not be easy. but it would be necessary.

for all of them.