Ghost Lion Crag darling remember, when you come to me

@Dragomir - set a day or so after the fallout

"fuck." arcturus grumbled from the flat slab of rock that overlooked moonspear. from here, it was really sinking in.

he had always looked at the spear on a journey home with a sense of pride and belonging -- and now, all he could think was that he might never walk those jagged peaks again. now, rather than home, he would know moonspear as only another indomitable rock in the distance.

would he forget it all in time? the pathways he'd taken up and down the rise, some put there by himself. the way the sun glinted hard off of the ancient granite, or even, the lull that came to the cold peaks once the sun disappeared behind the stony horizon.

a grave spear of homesickness settled darkly in his heart.

At first, Dragomir went to the glen, but it didn't take long before he realized it was the first place Moonspear's wolves would look for him. If they looked for him at all—he felt it was unlikely, but steered his course away from the glen all the same. They hadn't even sent a search party out for Arcturus, and he was infinitely more important to the pack than Dragomir was. If there had been a search effort made, Dragomir hadn't been invited to be part of it or informed of it, and he was certain he would be given his good standing.

Then again, the past twenty-four hours had made it painfully clear that good standing with the pack was worth as much as dirt. In the end, even blood mattered little for all they claimed to care about family above all else—all assembled had turned away from Arcturus just the way Arcturus turned away from them. It all felt too much like the cold manner of Aurëwen casting her children aside. It reminded him of how Drageda would've attacked Vercingetorix as a traitor if he returned, despite being their family. It affected his good opinion of all of them and made him sick to his stomach. He needed a few days away from it all.

The next day found him roaming high in the mountains, higher even than most of Moonspear. Dejected and filmy-eyed, the yearling could've walked right by Arcturus without even seeing him if not for the man's exclamation. It made his ears twist forward and he lifted his head slowly to find the former Beta on a perch overlooking his former pack. Dragomir could think of nothing to say; instead, he fixed Arcturus with a distraught look that was edged in ice and whined quietly, as though in spite of his hurt and confusion, he blamed the Beta's actions for upturning his life, too, even though that was pretty unfair.

arcturus had been too absorbed in his own demons to realize dragomir was near -- it was not until the yearling whined that the ex-beta sharply lifted his head, gaze coming hard upon the familiar features of his once-packmate.

no feeling arcturus ever experienced could have prepared him for the thorn of guilt that pierced him whole and sent his heart withering -- for he saw in every line, every facet of the mountain-climber's gaze, a filmy layer of hurt.

he rose immediately, tail low and head hung with shame. "dragomir," the mountaineer started, suddenly at loss for words too.

Truth be told, it was everything combined: Arcturus' challenge, Hydra's rebuttal, Jarilo and Kukutux and Lyra standing by and doing nothing. His soul understood their reaction. It was instinct to stand beside the Alpha and support them above all others. Dragomir felt it, too. It was his heart that tore him away from the territory and his heart that demanded answers, for in spite of his soul's desire to back up his leader, his heart could not conceive of Arcturus turning on Hydra without a very good reason.

He wanted to know everything. Arcturus said she turned on his brother, and Hydra claimed she would never do such a thing. She claimed it was him who turned on Revui. One of them had to be lying or omitting the truth. Regardless who it was, their display had irrevocably shaken his faith in Moonspear as a pack and them as individuals, and awakened Dragomir to a whole host of bad feelings. The most he could do now was try to fit the pieces together in his mind so he could decide for himself what was right and what wasn't. He couldn't help lifting his lip to flash his teeth, venting his turmoil and confusion, when he asked, what the hell was that?

this was not meant to get this long, i'm sorry!

the thing was, it hadn't been just one thing.

it rarely ever was. and in looking back, tracing all of the circumstances that lead him here -- if but one had been different..

arcturus closed his eyes. "there is a woman -- a friend." the mountaineer's yellow gaze fluttered open, a hard bite within. "you met her that day -- wraen." but it wasn't just about a woman, was it? dragomir needed -- deserved -- the entire truth.. and to give it all, arcturus had to unravel some threads far deeper than simply recent events.

"i've known her for a long time - longer than you, even. one day, she told me of how she knew hydra, and my father, charon. she was delicate in how she phrased it -- but her impressions were not.. good." his lips twisted in a grim line - it had been hard news then, but it had planted the first seeds of doubt about his family.  "she made me realize, for the first time, that i have never thought for myself. i've never --" a pause, as the ex-beta's throat constricted. "i've never been free from someone else's control."

before hydra, it'd been charon and amekaze -- his entire life, lived under the thumb of a singular entity.

"like you, i have a sibling that has gone time and time again, my own isilme." his laugh was bitter and hurt. "revui. we grew up together and he was possibly my only friend -- and one day, he just left." arcturus' voice turned in anguish. now he was the revui. "i couldn't fathom it. how could he just leave us? I searched for him for months. when he came back months later, i was overjoyed. while my father was still alive, he made revui beta and i just could not understand -- how could someone who had left us all, be made a leader? it was that day, that i realized the family i loved could not see free of their own tangled perceptions. i was under my fathers nose the entire time— and he promoted someone else." in time, arcturus had been made beta -- but it had always been a hollow victory. "my parents fought one day and fell to their deaths, and revui did what revui does -- disappeared. this time, i did not search much at all."

how was this story so long - so entrenched in subtle nuances that changed the rippling of fate forever? "i went with hydra one day outside the spear, looking for revui on her behest. surprisingly, we found him. surprisingly, hydra told him he was not ready to return, but gave him a task to do so he could prove his place here." his jaw tightened - how arcturus had simply wanted to do away with it all - swear revui off as they had done to korei julia..

and now he was the korei julia of the family.

"revui was to patrol the groves at moonspear's feet; to look for osiris' attackers, to protect the homestead. he was to do so independently, but hydra had also enlisted the help of an ally, ying, to patrol as well. two -- no --" how long had it been? "three weeks ago, while i was patrolling, i caught ying's scent on the wind and followed her. she was in heat. there was a man -- half of his face gone and bloodied. ying was trying to hide from him. then there were multiple men, and hydra and revui -- and a woman who looked like one of the wolves we were told to kill on sight -- but somehow wasn't."  he paused to make sure dragomir was following, for now he felt he had been bogged down by minutia..

but the devil was in the details, as they always said.

"two of the men were chased off, but hydra told revui and i sort among ourselves who would protect ying, and who would obscure her trail." arcturus would never forget the cold glare of the moon in revui's challenging gaze. "i assumed, given my ranking and my role as a pack wolf, that there would be no discussion about who accompanied ying that night. instead, revui demanded -- challenged me to step down. i do not know what overcame me, but i would not have it. maybe i was clouded by ying's heat -- but i never.. i never wanted her.. i just didn't want revui to have her, either. i would not have my backbiting, abandoning brother tell me what to do." forced through grit teeth, arcturus' voice had taken on a frighteningly cold edge.

"we fought -- i thought i could take him, given all hydra had taught me -- but the wilds had taught him better. he struck me down, and i bled by the riverbank alone." it had been so eerily quiet, nothing but the darkness and the moon and the soft sigh of the river.. such a stark contrast from the bedlam moments before.

"ying found me later, and kukutux brought me home." he owed a great deal of his life to kukutux -- how the narrative would have changed, if he had not been so prideful and taken her as wife. "i was healing in her den when the call came. revui, returned to the spear.

challenging me for my rank as beta."

of all of the things arcturus had expected of revui, he had never thought his brother could slip the knife so closely -- so cleanly -- through him. "i knew i could not ignore his summons. so i went, to fight not for a woman, but my honor. this time, i would not lose - for i knew the mountains better than the riverbank, and i was prepared to .." kill him? a heavy sigh - arcturus had never thought much past the heat of the moment in those minutes, but now he realized a coldness had overcome him -- a narrow focus, only on survival and instinct, and no focus on love at all. "well, i was prepared to do whatever it takes." even if it came to the unthinkable. "when i got there, hydra was quick upon us and commanded us both to stand down. instead of defending me at first --" his voice twisted with disbelief still -- "she defended revui. she tried to control it all -- my life, my wife, my every thought and whim -- but i could not let her control that. i couldn't let the insult of being challenged slide; if i could not fight for my rank and honor, what use am i to moonspear? and if hydra, my sister, had to do all my fighting for me... well - not a good look for a strong leader, is it?" he smiled ruefully, his eyes tinged with sorrow. "revui hid under her -- the coward -- and i tried to pull him out from under her, to force him to fight me, to awaken some of that boiling blood i knew was under there and not the sniveling, submissive whelp i saw that day.. and instead, hydra turned upon him." even now arcturus could not wrap his head around what he had witnessed. "at first, it was simply snaps -- but then, it was something else - something bloodier and crueler.. and he was just lying there while she did it all --"

"and then she threw him aside, in front of most of the 'spear. while all of this happened, a trespasser came.. then, of all times. stupid. just stupid bullshit. hydra was off to control that situation too, and i saw all the blood on revui, and how she had turned on him so quick, in the blink of an eye when moments before she had been defending him, protecting him from me like i was some hideous monster.."

but he wasn't the monster. "i thought he was dead; the blood, he wasn't moving.. i didn't hear him breathing. i don't know, something came over me, maybe, i didn't want revui dead. not like that. and i might have been angry -- so angry with him.. but.." he sighed, unable to finish the trailing thought. "it hit me like a bolt from the blue. if she could turn on revui so fast, one day, she might turn on me, too. the day i decided i didn't want to be under her stranglehold anymore.. and she did -- she did turn on me, that day you saw.. in a different way. after she put down revui, i left. i went to wraen. she never made me feel the way hydra or revui did. she never inspired feelings of anger or unworthiness - and she always accepted things or mistakes i might make, without anger.

while i was at the firebirds, i had a second epiphany. that.. moonspear might have been my family, but they might not always be my people. i went back to challenge hydra, because i didn't think a leader should strike down a wolf after defending him.. but, wraen showed up. i had told her not to come but.. she did. it made me realize, that even if i fought hydra, i wouldn't have won. i had no support -- no backing at all --" another bitter laugh -- he, a wolf that had lived in the spear longer than most, had served two faithful, consecutive years without a single hiatus or unexplained absence -- didn't have a single soul on his side.

"they're all crazy - and they were making me crazy, too."

At first, Dragomir nearly scoffed. Luckily, he was a decent enough thinker to know that Arcturus hadn't just unravelled the entire mountain for the sake of one wolf—a halfwit who trespassed right into the heart of their claim, at that. He had a lot he could say on the subject of Wraen and her meddling in their affairs, but this wasn't about her, and Dragomir had no interest in her, so he kept his trap shut and listened all the way to the end.

His gut twisted tighter the longer Arcturus spoke of his past. Dragomir's unique experiences in life made it easy to see Arcturus' perspective. He disliked the way Isilmë came and went, living on the fringes of society, if at all. It would've been a massive blow to his budding ego if she returned and was recognized as a leader over him. Only for Revui to leave again, in the end—Dragomir could appreciate exactly how that would feel. Arcturus, undervalued in spite of his worth. A terrible thing, that.

Likewise, he could understand Arcturus' desire to maintain control of a situation where he was the most qualified to do so, and he could understand how the man lost his temper at being told what to do by someone who left him again and again. Dragomir tried to imagine if he would take a command from Isilmë, if the situation was fraught as it was between Arcturus and Revui, and realized he would have done the same thing. Assumed the same things. Maybe not fought her, but refused to let her be the boss of him. Again he felt a flicker of disdain—the arrogance of Moonspear reared its head again and again, and it was difficult even for Dragomir to ignore the sheer amount that it took for a leaver to challenge a devoted Beta of the pack.

The stark absence of Hydra, in the aftermath of their fight. Dragomir wasn't intentionally building a platform against the Alpha female—he was certain she had her reasons and he would hear them in time—but it went hand in hand with the rest of the story. We looked for you, she'd said. No we didn't, he'd thought, and wondered if telling Arcturus as much would be helpful or harmful. Made sense why Arcturus would attempt to force Revui to fight after being challenged directly. It was a coward's way to pick a fight and then hide when the fight came to you. Even Dragomir, young as he was, wouldn't have stood for it.

Charon had chosen a leaver to lead over Arcturus. Hydra had defended an outsider over her second in command. If that wasn't enough to make a man snap, Dragomir wasn't sure what was. To work hard and devote one's life and be overlooked? Like Arcturus, Dragomir didn't think it was a good look for a leader to be that inattentive. Pack first, always. That was the trouble with Moonspear, though, wasn't it? It wasn't about the pack. It was about the queen. Queen first, pack second. That was why protecting Osiris was a higher priority than Arcturus and Praimfaya going missing, even though Osiris was safe within the territory and Arcturus' disappearance should've been the highest priority of all.

Arcturus finished his story with a few lines that struck Dragomir right to his core. I would've stood by you if you hadn't just turned and walked away! he snapped. Not because he necessarily thought that Hydra needed to be replaced, but because he often felt like Hydra saw him as a cog in her machine, while Arcturus saw him as an individual. His loyalty to the Beta was deeper than his loyalty to the Alpha for that reason alone. Was. Of course, one gangling yearling wasn't much support. It would've been futile, but it would've felt better than witnessing Arcturus turning his back on them all with an oath.

We never looked for you, he revealed. She said we did, but we didn't. Maybe she did by herself. I don't know. She never called to the pack or sent anyone out to find you or I'd probably know about it. Praimfaya's missing, too, and we never looked for her, either. In short, not every Moonspear wolf was equal in the eyes of their queen. He didn't know whether this news would make things better or worse, but it came out of him like a gust of wind, unstoppable.

What are you going to do now? That edge was still there, that sharp bite of mistrust that said, you just ruined everything for me. How could he go back to Moonspear knowing all that? He would, of course. He would if only to hear what Hydra had to make of everything. But how could he be as devoted as he was, knowing that devotion was worth so little? Arcturus, the most devoted of them all, forever second best. What did Arcturus intend to do? And what would it mean for Dragomir?

(Because, selfishly, he was making it about himself more than he should.)

dragomir endured arcturus' long-winded explanation patiently -- far more patiently than arcturus would have. for that, arcturus was impressed -- perhaps dragomir was tallying the little details, categorizing the minutia, just as he had done. perhaps, he might come to a very different conclusion the once-beta had -- or perhaps their paths would not be so separate after all.

he winced under the outcry in dragomir's voice. it was deserved - he had turned, and quite quickly too. he tried to helplessly point out he had little choice -- but that was a feeble man's excuse.

there was always choice.

always two ways out.

arcturus didn't know what to make of the news dragomir broke about hydra's claim. he had not heard her howls, and had taken her claims at face-value. it was simply another notch to the stick that was his doubts about hydra, and it caused his heart to do a strange flip low into his gut.

"praimfaya is missing?" his ears cut forward, a wrinkle along his brow as he tried to work why she would disappear, too. as he was trying to put the pieces together, he remembered what hydra had said to him as his back was turned. "is it true dacio is dead?" he bit his lip, dread spreading its hungering fingers across every one of his nerves.

what was he going to do now?

be transparent. simply be. no more subterfuge, no more manipulation, no more secrets. "i'm staying at the firebirds." arcturus didn't add a for now to the end of that sentence, for reason. "i guess, make a name for myself on some other mountain." he smiled ruefully, a bitterness settling in the back of his tongue. "but -- if praimfaya is missing, someone needs to look for her. we need to look for her."

whether or not he was still moonspearian, praimfaya had been one of their own. arcturus may have turned his back on his queen, but part of him still ran quite true.

Yes, Dragomir grimly confirmed. He wasn't privy to the gritty details of Dacio's demise, but the whole pack knew of the former Gona's passing. Privately, he'd wondered if that was the reason for Praimfaya's disappearance, but he also knew she'd taken to leaving the territory on her own, heedless of Hydra's warning, so she could just as easily be dead as well for all he knew. Just because the Alpha hadn't found Osiris' assailant didn't mean they weren't still lurking around somewhere, preying on overly confident young wolves.

And Praimfaya, fed delusions of grandeur in her youth, was the definition of overly confident.

Hydra didn't want us leaving the territory without partners, but Praimfaya was doing it all the time, if her scent markers around the borders were any indication. I've checked the fringes regularly for signs of both of you, but beyond that, I don't even know if they've noticed Praimfaya's gone. As for Dragomir, up until today, he'd been reluctant to disobey Hydra's command that they always travel in groups, so he hadn't gone out looking himself. He supposed in a way, he was equally at fault for not searching.

If Arcturus' answer had been that he was founding a pack elsewhere, then Dragomir may well have taken the leap. Pledged himself to the cause in a grand show of youthful impulse. But that wasn't the man's plan, at least not explicitly. He knew nothing of the Firebirds except that Wraen was one of them, and regardless of Arcturus' fondness for her, all Dragomir had to go on was that she showed no respect for pack borders or the sanctity of pack territory. It was a poor first impression and he'd already unfairly assumed that because she was incredibly ignorant, her whole pack must be, as well. No thanks.

I'll be looking, said Dragomir, who by now felt that the in-fighting within Moonspear was much more threatening than the possibility of being attacked externally. He'd take physical wounds over the mental strain of civil unrest any day. No more letting wolves go without a care. He would search for Praimfaya. In the meantime, I'll miss you, Arcturus. Maybe I'll see you some day out on that other mountain.

Just how that played out remained to be seen.

through out all of this, arcturus found himself marveling at just how dragomir had grown. he wasn't talking to a child anymore -- dragomir was far removed from the inkling cub that had first darkened moonspear's doorstep so many moons ago.. it seemed a lifetime, and yet..

now, dragomir was abundantly and implicitly his own person. arcturus felt gutted to have harmed him so - it wasn't his intention, and yet his selfishness had caused irreversible ripples in the fabric of moonspear's existence.

still -- there were other things that dogged arcturus the more he listened. praimfaya's excursions outside of the spear, dacio's demise.. things within moonspear seemed more than just tumultuous -- it had arcturus wondering if he somehow had gotten out of dodge at just the right time..

"do you want me to look for her with you?" the ostrega chimed, ready to rise and feeling his heart pull reluctantly at the thought of this being the last time he saw dragomir.

he had made his choice, made his bed to lie in -- and now that he was facing the consequences, arcturus realized he had done much more than renounce hydra. he had renounced his home, his life, and worse of all -- his friends.

all that remained to be seen now was whether it was worth it.

Yes, he wanted to say. He wanted to learn more from his skilled Beta, maybe crack a joke or two if the situation was right, search high and low for Praimfaya and return to the mountain in the evening, weary but hopeful. He wanted to stand on the alpine heights overlooking the forested foothills and sing out for a spar, wanted to test his mettle against Arcturus' impervious defences, wanted to rise and shine as a Moonspear wolf to be proud of.

But that wasn't Arcturus' life anymore. It wasn't even Dragomir's life anymore. The happy illusion he'd been building of a strong, sturdy pack was shattered and there was nothing he could do to get it back. Even if he tried to go on ignoring it all, pretending Arcturus had left on good terms, pretending there was a happier reason for the man's absence... he could not think of the spire the same way. The slopes would feel colder and more foreboding. All the wolves who had been present, colder and more foreboding. Jarilo and Kukutux, uncaring. Lyra, vindictive. Dirge, resigned.

No, he decided at length, though it tugged sharply on his heart to say it. I need to start my search in the vicinity of Moonspear, and... I don't think you're welcome there anymore. It was an assumption, mind you. He could be totally wrong about that, but what he knew of Moonspear thus far was that they weren't a forgiving lot. Arcturus had burned them badly in response to the way they treated him, and Dragomir couldn't see them just putting it behind them. I wouldn't want you to risk it. Maybe... you could just keep an eye out for her around where you'll be? That would be enough.

hurt darted across the ostregan's face, though he hid it with a game but rueful smile. dragomir was right -- he was not welcome on the spear, and it made most sense to start the search at home. he hoped for moonspear and pri's sake, she was simply somewhere sequestered in the mountain.. nursing the new wound that was dacio's death, no doubt.

he leveled a deep sigh, unwilling to face reality so soon. unwilling to think of how his and dragomir's life had changed forever. "i'll keep an eye out for her." he affirmed -- and he would keep his word too.

knowing their time would soon end, arcturus rose and looked sidelong at firebirds in the distance, and then at the spear. he made to turn and then, thinking better of it, turned back to dragomir with a bittersweet smile of farewell on his face. "i'll see you soon, i hope. if you need anything, you know where i am."

Thanks, murmured Dragomir. Arcturus keeping an eye out for Praimfaya was all Dragomir could really ask for, and all he could expect. It was all he could give, as well. He didn't know the so-called Wanheda very well, but knew in some distant way, they were family. Not only that, Praimfaya was pack. He wouldn't go to the absolute ends of the earth to find her, but he owed her more of an effort than he believed was currently being made. Time for him to pick up the slack.

The anger and frustration that drove Dragomir this far was fading fast, replaced by a churning emotion that was quieter, but no less ugly. He didn't want to return to Moonspear—he didn't want another difficult conversation, and he certainly didn't want to hear a completely different account of events. He didn't want to be forced to judge who was telling the truth and who wasn't. No matter how torn he was, however, he at least owed Hydra a conversation, just as he would've felt he owed Arcturus a conversation if it was Hydra he'd spoken to first.

So, feeling awkward and put out and sad, Dragomir said, hope to see you around. I guess I better... get back. Get back. Get out. Get away. What difference did it really make what path he chose now? Would he be happy on either of them? Probably not; nevertheless, he had to choose one. So with a sad smile and a brief wag of his tail, the boy turned to leave, pulling his ears back in a typical sign of deference to Arcturus. Despite leaving them all when they needed him, the boy still respected Arcturus. Maybe not as much as he had a few days prior, but enough to still show it as he made to leave.

painfully aware of the raw emotion that bucked in turbulent motions beneath dragomir's gaze, arcturus was stunned to silence. he knew his hand in that all too well, and regretted his part in it. dragomir had deserved a stable life in light of his beginnings, and just when normalcy had been established, arcturus had pulled the thread that strung it all together.

he was sorry to see dragomir go, but knew it was necessary. any longer, and he might say something awful or irreparable. any longer, and he might hurt the boy more.

"i hope so."  arcturus murmured to the wind, watching fondly as the boy's back turned and make for home -- well, his home, not arcturus'.

the guardian remained on that stony keep an hour longer, staring contemplatively into the distance while grey mist rolled in and out around him.