Redhawk Caldera I spend my days with ghosts who all love you the most

This year's pregnancy was much harder on her than last year.  She was fortunate to have Eljay, who made sure she kept eating, but she felt like she was constantly sick.  If she has any doubts left, they were gone, but she was so ready for them to be out and to get back to life as normal.

She trailed the Caldera lake on shaky legs.  She'd gotten sick and needed water, and now that she'd had some, the thought of more food made her stomach turn.  She'd heard, once, that boys sometimes brought more sickness than daughters.  She'd always thought it was one of those stories that was more coincidence than fact, but now she wondered. 

She needed distraction.  Maia didn't know a lot about @Teya's condition but there were things the mother could read.  She'd had children and knew the signs - the sickness, the swell of her sides. Worst of all was the fact that she didn't seem happy or that the news was something worth sharing. 

At first, Maia decided to respect her privacy in it, but now she wondered if maybe having a friend to talk to would help. Maia had only been a mother once before but that was experience, and she hated to think that Teya was struggling with this upset and alone.  She had Reyes, but that really wasn't the same.  So she began to look for her friend, slowly poking about the river and her other usual haunts.

@Teya - sorry for the tag, but editing this to change that Eljay told her since he specifically did not <3 I spaced and prob should have asked!

teya had determined not to let anything about her current situation affect what she did each day.
it was a painful, hopeless approach. by the time that the sickness had abated, her body had changed, forcing the raven to acclimate in a particular way. she felt heavy. bloated. catching glimpses of herself in the water angered and sorrowed teya to the point where she only fished at night, leaving reyes alone in their little cave to paddle in the dark water. 
to think.
maia found her on the mainland, drenched from an unproductive daytime foray into the river. at first teya was choked with rage. pregnancy fit the woman well. and she highly doubted that the blackthorn wife had never wanted children. she greeted maia with a stiff smile that did not change the shadows smudged under her dulled eyes.

When she finally found Teya, it wouldn't take a mind reader to know that she was upset. Her smile didn't hide it, and as Maia sat down heavily, she felt a slight flicker of misgiving. Maybe this was a mistake and she wouldn't want Maia prying. Maybe she'd ruin their friendship altogether.

She let out a breath. She was tired too, but that never seemed to go away nowadays, so it was hardly an excuse to be a bad friend. As long as she sat here and talked, she should be fine to make it back to the den.

Hey. Do you want to talk about it? It's okay if you don't. I just didn't know if you had questions, or... you know. She knew Eljay could have answered these questions just as well as she could, but she couldn't imagine her mate prying into the situation either, and she wouldn't have been comfortable talking with someone else's husband about it herself. Not that she would mind... but it was awkward.

yes, tell me how to get rid of them.
teya was infuriated and relieved that maia was speaking to her in that beat-around-the-bush tone. eljay had said something; of course he had, and she couldn't blame him for it. the little violet shrugged her shoulders once, letting out a churlish breath. "ah —"
did she have questions?
teya could not think. she swallowed. "you knew ... ah. you knew each time it was your heat?" she wanted to know if she was alone in this rarity. the coolwater eyes touched maia's gentle features and then flicked away.

Maia was relieved when Teya answered her without seeming to be too upset, but the question she asked had a somewhat awkward answer. Maia flushed more than she already had, but she really didn't have any option other than answering honestly. She wanted to help, sincerely, and needed to reward Teya's honesty with her own.

Yeah, I've always known. It's the only time, really, when I want that sort of thing. And it's the only time when Eljay really is interested in it either. Otherwise we just... don't. She hoped Eljay wouldn't mind her revealing this, it was personal but it was also the kind of thing she would have easily talked about with her sister. Teya, as a close friend, was similar yeah?

Wraen never knew. At least, she never felt it. That's why she said she could never have kids. She didn't know why, but something about Teya's question had reminded her of that conversation, and the words stood out starkly in her mind. Had Wraen been wrong? Maybe she'd just never gotten lucky.... or unlucky, the way Teya had and depending on how she saw it at the time.

teya couldn't relate to that. before all this, reyes and herself had seemed mutually insatiable, and she had enjoyed herself out of season plenty of times. that reminded her of the first year, the one she'd spent with br —
she nodded vaguely, too closed off to react much to this intimate revelation about their auspex. 
the mention of wraen brought teya back to the present. her eyes returned to maia's face. "i not know that," she said quietly. 
thoughtfully.
"the first time it happened, i know. i keep myself away from men. keep to edges of brecheliant. but this time..." she drew a shuddering breath. "this time i not feel anything change. not body. not scent." she looked down at the ground, unable to think of anything else to say that might propel she and maia off the depressing rock of this fixation.

Maia felt guilty, knowing that she'd hoped Teya might have this, but now seeing how deeply she didn't want and regretted it. There had been a time when she hadn't wanted it either, but her dislike had always been based more on fear of responsibility than anything else. Why was she so upset?

Maia knew if she asked that outright, it would sound horrible. And Teya probably didn't even know, right? Not really. It wasn't like Maia could ever tell why she was upset about things at the time. Usually she just figured it out weeks after and kicked herself for overreacting. Not that Teya was, yknow.... geeze, she needed to watch what what she said here.

I don't know much about that kind of thing, but I wonder if there's a way to help with that? Yknow, for next year. I can ask, if you don't want to? I can tell him it's just for a friend. She didn't know if it was weird, offering to ask her mate something so personal, and wanted to make sure Teya knew she didn't have to go into specifics.

Then she paused, trying to find the right words. Her instincts were to congratulate, to show her how amazing motherhood was going to be and how rewarding it all was. But she didn't know if that was what she wanted to hear right now.

I was terrified, last year, when it was my first time. It isn't the same, I know, but there were definitely times when I wondered if we made a mistake. I never told Eljay that. She smiled, a little ruefully. The times had never lasted long, and were more hormones than anything, but it hadn't been any easier to deal with. I thought I'd be a horrible mom, that I'd screw everything up and Eljay would see that and hate me and everything would be ruined. Normal stuff like that. But even with everything awful that happened last year, as soon as I had them, I knew they were all that mattered. And that they were definitely worth it.

I don't know if you'll feel the same, but no matter what happens, Eljay and I are here for you. One hundred percent. And we'll help with anything you need. She lifted her gaze to meet Teya's, serious despite the understanding in her voice. She really did get it. This was hard, one of the hardest things. Teya's life would probably never be the same. But that didn't mean it wouldn't change for the better.

maia spoke. teya wanted to retreat into herself. the other woman was so kind and for unfair reasons she resented her friend for it. some companion she was. 
maia offered medical support and love. teya squeezed her eyes shut, unable to keep a pair of saltwater tears from their determined trickle. her shoulders shook. she wanted to be touched and she wanted very much to be left alone. the raven did not feel deserving of the gentleness shown by maia, and almost wished that it had never been extended.
she wanted to cry.
she wanted to hate.
skipping over everything that had been said, she swallowed and tried to lift her eyes toward that of her companion's face. "i tell reyes, 'i cannot be mother.' he says he cannot be father.'" she gave a bitter, sharp shrug, letting out a humorless laugh. "neither of us made for this. but he already father." 
she had even gone to the sea to meet his mothers!
how could he tell her he was not ready for this!
"yes. please ask eljay," she said belatedly, throat bobbing a second time. she did not want to cry again. "i think this time it is mistake, maia. i do not — hate them." and she meant it.
"but i not know how to love them if reyes not either."
the words were out. they fell like stones through the air. she looked away again.

Maia nodded, but she didn't speak until Teya had fully finished. By the time she ended it, Maia was slightly horrified and more than a little upset by what she revealed. Reyes what!?. Of all the fears she had ever felt, Eljay not loving their children was impossible and had never crossed into the realm of possibility. Hearing that statement was like hearing someone say they hated the grass, or hated the sky. How could he!?

Teya was too upset for Maia to go into a tirade even though she really wanted to. Okay, okay.... no. You shouldn't. Teya didn't seem angry for herself, not more than sad.

Someone should. Maia said finally, choosing to take the other route. You shouldn't love them for him. You should love them for your sake and for theirs. They don't know any better. Maia didn't want to sound like she was dictating, but she couldn't not say it. It hurt to imagine any pup growing up without at least someone who wanted them there, fully and unconditionally.

I think you'll make a great mom. And I think either Reyes will be a dad, or he doesn't deserve them. Her ears tucked back a little, but she still said it stubbornly. Her dad, and Eljay, had shown her what a great dad could be. She didn't understand why Reyes thought it was so impossible for him to do that, but it wasn't like he had a choice. It was that or ditch Teya, and obviously, one of those was wayyyy more gross.

teya wished she had said nothing. that was somehow preferable to how protective and insistent maia seemed to grow. in any other ears it might have been encouraging; to teya, in the middle of her inability to cope with this new reality, it only felt as though her friend was relegating her to motherhood.
"thank you, maia," teya said, mustering affection to force into her voice. "you good friend."
she was suddenly, crushingly tired.
"i am feeling sick a little." she smiled ruefully. "i think maybe i rest now." her eyes asked that maia understand.

In Maia's eyes, she had done a good thing here. She failed to see anything behind Teya's friendliness, or to see how her words might have been an overstep. She could not relate to Teya's feelings and rather than consider them fully, passed them off as temporary fear. Something that she would get over in time, especially with encouraging words.

I'll tell Eljay to come by with something later, but yeah. I'm here to talk, anytime. Maia smiled and pushed herself, with some effort, to standing. She could already feel the extra weight bearing down. I'll see you later, Teya. She wanted to say something else, something more, but (wisely) kept it simple. She did at least realize she'd already given enough encouragement. With one last look, she turned and departed, heading back towards her own den and the family that waited there.