Stone Circle Jumble of thoughts

Valette was sitting by her stones. The lands felt empty, almost too empty. Greyback was gone to visit his grand children. Normally she would have gone with but with Ursus at their borders she felt it might be best if one leader was present. Arlette had howled that she was gone to find Oryx but Valette wondered if she would ever returned. She had really screwed up with that one.

Her dearest boy Clay gone... At least Merrit returned, but... for how long? She was not expecting him to sit still at Easthollow. She had not heard from Newt in a long time. Valette wondered, when looking back at all of this now, if she had become stuck in her ways. She felt that she was always so good with adapting but ever since her last litter... Well, she felt like an old lady with her own ways. She would have to change that if Easthollow would be able to exist.

Once they were so full they had to deny people, and now, the adult ranks were slim at best. It was worrisome. Though Valette was very reluctant to move away from these lands. She had been here for all her life it felt like. There was just a lot on her mind. And when thinking about it all, perhaps, it didn't matter. What was most important to her was that she had Greyback at her side still, and second, she hoped Nanook was happy with the way she was raising her children. She glanced over her shoulder to Nanook's stone. She missed her sister.

Laurel had come to the stones that day to visit her sister, too. She didn't visit the stones a lot. Mostly because she didn't really want to run into anyone else, and the stones, well, they tended to attract other wolves a lot. Today was no exception; just as Laurel approached, she saw Valette sit by the stones and she could not help but scold herself for coming today, for picking this moment; for being here while Valette was around, too.

Yet it was too late now and she wouldn't be bullied away, either. Laurel continued her approach and she scraped her throat upon her approach. Hey, she said neutrally, her body tense, feeling uncomfortable but forcing herself to socialise. She thought back to her encounter with Merrick and his Indra-look-a-like and then she thought of Riley. She'd done so many things wrong in her life, and she could not help but wonder if she should go look for him, to make sure he was safe. He'd fled west, but that was only initially. Who knew where he would have gone. Maybe Valette knew if there were other packs in the area, she thought idly, but Laurel could not help but think back to the monster journey she'd undertaken to get back her initial batch of pups.

And for what? In the end, they had all left or died at her feet. Perhaps... Perhaps she was better off living a quiet life here in Easthollow, then.

Valette turned around when she heard a 'hey'. It was a wolf she least expected but she was pleasantly surprised to see her. "Hi Laurel," she greeted, still glancing over her shoulder. Valette turned to face the stone again. She was not sure if Laurel wanted to talk, she was never that open with her anyhow. Valette sat in silent regard. She hadn't wrapped her mind around how she was going to solve her problems with Arlette or just to get back on their feet with Ursus being constantly at their borders to fight. She realized Laurel had not been there to help...

"Do you also feel that you screwed up so badly and wished that you could rewind and do it better next time?," she asked the female then. The matriarch turned to face Laurel. Valette's hazel eyes looking troubled. She wished she could rewind how she reacted to Arlette being pregnant, or to Clay when he was younger. Just to see them again.

Valette greeted her and then there was silence for a little bit. Laurel sat down in silence and stared at the stone where Indra was buried. The silence was not comfortable for her, but she made due. She was fine not talking about anything, but Valette brought up something nonetheless.

It was a question with a lot of personal weight to it. Of course Laurel thought back every day to how things should've been different. How she could've changed the course of her life now.

Another time, she might have reacted unfavourably to the suggestive question and snap and ask what her leader was insinuating. Now, though, with Merrick tearing into her son heavy on her mind, Laurel instead said: Yes, every day. She was silent for a few seconds before she added darkly, frowning in a bitter way: I wish I had snapped Merrick's neck the day he was born.

There were many things she could regret, but this one? This was the one that had made her lose Indra, the only other wolf who was truly precious to her all her life.

Of all the things she expected, this was not the answer. Valette turned fully to Laurel. Merrick... Where did she know that name from? She couldn't place where she heard it. What struck her the most was that Laurel said this about her own son. She opened her mouth to say something but then closed it again. She was a bit surprised by it all. Valette had to gather her thoughts for a moment. "Why would you say that?," she asked, trying to keep the shock out of her tone.

She never realized Laurel had such thoughts like this. Valette couldn't even think of wishing her children any ill, even though one of them seemed to think that. She wondered what triggered such reaction from Laurel. Valette just hoped the female was open enough to share that with her.

Valette sounded shocked when she asked Laurel why she would think that. Laurel wondered if she wasn't aware of the black devil's name. Well, she did suppose that they didn't talk very much when they met, considering he was mostly mad and violent. The only reason she knew his name at all was because she had seen him grow from a wee baby into the monster that he was today. She felt tears prick in her eyes when Valette looked at her with shock at the unfairness of it all, at how she could've prevented all of this if only she'd known what a monster he would become.

She wanted to explain that he was Bearclaw Valley's leader and the one who was causing so much mayhem in their lands, but it was hard to compose herself and He... He killed Indra. He murdered her, Valette. She looked up at her leader, her gaze hardened and brows knit into a dark, angry frown, but her eyes shining with raw grief and emotion. He killed his own mother, and the only wolf that had ever truly shone a bright light onto Laurel's life, made it bearable.

Valette didn't know that this Merrick killed Indra. She looked with compassion to Laurel and then nodded. "Then I can understand your reaction," she spoke and frowned. She remembered something and she wasn't sure.... "Laurel... wasn't your son named Merrick?," she sounded confused, and hopeful at the same time, hopeful that it wasn't the same Merrick or that she was wrong about this. She was kind of confused with who was Laurel's offspring and who was Indra's.

Valette sighed. "I think I messed up with Arlette. I was pretty bad to her recently and she hasn't forgiven me for it," she admitted to Laurel, she needed that off her chest. It had been bothering her greatly. The female shook her head in thought. Not sure how she was ever going to set that right.

Valette said that she understood it then. Anyone in their right mind should. If only Laurel had known the destruction that Merrick would cause. All the trouble that his pack was giving theirs... It all could've been avoided with a simple snap. And she had almost done it before -- she vividly remembered trying to kill her baby half-siblings -- so she could've done it. But it would've still cost her Indra -- albeit not in the same way -- so would it truly be worth it?

It didn't really make sense to keep pondering about that, now. She looked up as Valette asked if her son was named Merrick, and she shook her head. He's -- He was Indra's. To kill your own mother — how far would one have to go? Laurel thought of how she had jeered him on, had tried to turn him on his own child in hopes that Indra's next reincarnation would be better, would be hers, in hopes to drive him crazy. In the end it had only driven herself crazy and it had involved her son, Riley. She wasn't sure she would see him again, but she felt the itch to go and search for him. Now he's the leader of that band of little shits in the south. Valette knew that, right? Or had she never known their names?

Valette had her own parenthood stories to share. Laurel didn't really like this because she was far from the right person to offer anyone any advice, especially on parenthood. She hadn't exactly excelled at it herself. She could listen, though, which was probably the least she could do for Valette in return for offering her a home all that time ago and continuing to be so forgiving. Laurel was still scared, but she was beginning to think that maybe she could get Valette on her side and that maybe she could live here and be fine as long as she avoided Greyback. What did you do? she asked in regards to Arlette. Laurel did not know the girl well at all, but she knew all about messing up in being a mother.

Valette opened her mouth to say something in return. He was Indra's. Indra was killed by her own son. It took her a moment to really grasp that fact. The female inhaled sharply. But then came that other information, that Merrick was the one that had been terrorizing them. Valette bared her teeth when hearing it. She didn't understand why they were a target but now she knew. That sicko was probably after his aunt. Luckily Laurel was safe past their borders, but at what cost? Greyback had been injured before because of those attacks, and her son West as well. More Easthollians.

"I wasn't aware of his precise name, and that he had a connection with you," she commented. "Well, I would say that if you would have snapped his neck it would have saved us a lot of trouble," she spoke. Valette shook her head. "But then there would probably someone else be there to terrorize us, life has its way of throwing curveballs it seems."

Valette turned to look at Laurel with sad eyes. "I was disgustingly jealous of my daughter being pregnant, and I was terrible to her," she spoke with shame in her voice. "I ignored her, treated her badly, and not made her feel welcome at all. Then that whole cougar attack happened, and it went all down hill from there. I just wanted to teach her a lesson. But, instead, it taught me a lesson."

Valette didn't know that Merrick was the Merrick? Laurel was surprised, though she didn't show this. Honestly, Laurel didn't really care about the trouble that Merrick was giving their pack now. She wouldn't have cared if not for him murdering Indra. But she would get Indra back. She'd make sure to get her back...

For now, though, Laurel turned her attention to Valette sharing her trouble. It felt odd, eerily... Normal? As if I wasn't there and you were just a normal, sane person? His maddening laughter resounded in her head. She'd never even heard him laugh. She didn't think so, anyway. Had she? Laurel did not remember, but the laughter was crystal clear and clearly belonged to him, this time. Laurel frowned as she listened, which thankfully fit the sad notes of the story. Valette had been jealous of her daughter being pregnant? Had Arlette given birth, Laurel wondered idly to herself, as she didn't actually know these facts. Like Valette was far removed from Laurel's personal life, so was Laurel far removed from Valette's.

Well, it is like you said, Laurel said with a sigh. Life has its way of throwing curveballs. Whatever that even meant, it sounded suiting in this situation. After a moment of silence, Laurel asked her leader: Did you tell her? She wasn't sure why she was trying to help. She wasn't even actively trying. It somehow just came naturally, this once.

No, Valette had not been aware that Merrick was the Merrick. She was not that close to Laurel to ever connect the dots but now she did. The female glanced over Laurel, and could think only one thing: She wished that Laurel had killed him at birth. It would have cost them a lot of trouble. She decided not to voice that out loud though. Maybe Laurel wouldn't care if Valette admitted, either way, it didn't matter. Merrick was still alive and very annoying to say the least.

"I did and apologized but she hasn't accepted it," Valette sighed. "She says she went to find Oryx but I don't believe she is ever coming back," Valette returned, looking sightly upset. Most of her children were gone. She wondered, who would be leading Easthollow if she wouldn't be alive anymore. Perhaps, if she died, Easthollow died with her. It was the first time she ever thought about death, her own death, in her lifetime.

Children were tough; though Piper and Lucas had been sweet, Wyatt had been horrible, too. The trickiest was that you didn't know beforehand what sort of children you would get. Although, maybe it wasn't entirely strange that Charles, Riley and Louie had turned out to be worthless children, considering their father.

Laurel didn't know who Oryx even was. Someone who used to be in their pack, maybe? Children don't realise what it's like to be a parent, she said coldly. They're so ungrateful for all we do for them. Merrick, Wyatt, and even Piper and Lucas whom she had loved with all her heart and who had loved her but who had still left her at one point in their lives. All of them, ungrateful brats.

And yet lately she had the inkling of a desire to have more. To do it right this time. To have a proper family. With Xan, maybe, for despite her fear and hatred of men he was the only one who had proven to be able to control himself, at least this year; the only one she considered seriously right now.

Valette let out a long sigh when Laurel spoke about children not knowing how to parent. That was true, but she felt that Arlette did know. She had helped with her siblings. But, she was young and naive. She sighed again. "I just don't know what to think. I just wish she would return to me," she admitted to Laurel.

'Thanks for hearing me out," she softly smiled. "How are you doing?," she asked, not wanting this to be all about her. She hoped that Laurel was doing better, she still seemed distant and didn't really expect a honest answer.

The problem was that children didn't appreciate their parents until it was too late. Lucas had returned to her, only to get himself murdered. She hadn't even been able to grieve him properly. Laurel wouldn't know what that felt like, though, for her parents were terrible and they had both abandoned her, too. Why was it so hard?

Laurel nodded. Maybe she will come to her senses, some day. Laurel hoped for Valette's sake that she would, which was a strange feeling; Laurel hadn't felt anything for anyone in a long time. Indra's death had taken the last strands of hope that she had.

Valette's question came unexpected to Laurel. Maybe because she had already shared her part of Laurel's-shitshow-of-a-life today, or maybe because she didn't even remember the last time that anyone had asked her how she was doing. She contemplated just saying 'good' and being done with it, but instead she took a bit of a leap. I think I want to start a family again. Xan's been... He has been trying really hard. Do you think that he can change? Do you think that he would want that — a family — with me? Laurel looked at Valette, and expected her to be pretty shocked by this. Laurel hadn't wanted to be anywhere near Xan for a long time. Times had changed though, and particularly the incident when she was in heat and he had refused to touch her had given her more faith in him than any other man.

Valette nodded in return to Laurel. She hoped Arlette would come to her senses. She just hoped that when Arlette returned she hadn't done something stupid or came back pregnant again. Valette would have to swallow her pride if she did, because she didn't want to lose Arlette again. She had such a bright future. Valette just hoped she found a place where she was happy.

Valette was surprised by the long answer of the female but most of all the content. She understood though, even with all the problems in the past she would want to be pregnant again in a heartbeat. Only she didn't expect Laurel to want pups with her brother. "Xan?," she repeated, almost like she hadn't heard it right. "Well, if you come this far to forgive him what he did, then I think there is hope for him," she commented in return. "He has been in his pack for awhile now. So he is showing commitment he has never done before," Valette returned honestly to the female.

Laurel didn't know if she could make things work with Xan, but she could at least try. She really did want to try, at least. She could see that Valette was surprised and she didn't blame her; their relationship was complex at best, and Laurel had openly shown her disdain for Xan many times. Sometimes she thought that she'd be better off to seduce someone else, but she wasn't sure that she could. She wasn't sure that she could let anyone else touch her again in that way. With Xan, at least she knew that he wouldn't harm her in the middle of the night, that she'd be safe if she didn't want him to touch her. If he didn't want her, then maybe she would find someone else; but for now, she intended to make nice with Xan, because she really did want another chance at a family. A real family — and that included a father. He was the only one on her very short shortlist right now.

Yeah, Laurel agreed when Valette said that he had been in this pack for some time now. He does seem to have changed, and he really seems determined to make up for the past. I hope it isn't too late. Maybe him returning wouldn't bringing back Lucas, it wouldn't fix everything with Wyatt, it wouldn't send Piper to their side... But there was a future to look forward to, and Laurel desperately both wanted and needed to look forward to cling on to hope.

Valette offered a quick smile to her. 'I hope so too. There is only one way to find though," she spoke, and that was to ask him. Or at least try to be in a relationship with him. She realized that she didn't know her brother that well since he joined. Their relationship had always been rocky. "Well if you do decide to have pups this season, please come to me first," she stated. She would just like to know at least. It wouldn't be entirely bad to have pups this year, as she was not having them. Clearly, Greyback had been past the years of fertility. She only wasn't sure with Laurel and Xan's trackrecord if they would be great parents. Then again, who was she to judge. She had scared her daughter away.

Valette said that if she wanted pups, she should ask first. Laurel nodded at the Matriach. Of course, she said. Last time had perhaps given Valette reason to remind Laurel of this, but... She had never wanted that to happen. To be judged by it stung, but nothing would ever make Laurel tell anyone what had happened. It was a secret she'd take to the grave.

Valette just nodded as well to the female. Now she didn't really have much else to say to the female. "Thanks for hearing me out. It was nice to talk to you," she smiled. She really felt as if Leurel opened up to her more. She quirked up her lips into a smile before dipping her headin goodbye.

- end for me! -

Laurel nodded at Valette. Likewise, she said, even though her shared thoughts had not been as deep (considering she'd never liked Merrick at all) as Valette's. In a pack where everyone knew your children, it was rough to be at odds with one; most wolves would probably have some sort of opinion on this, so it was a lot harder to put yourself out there.

Laurel watched as Valette left, and let out a deep sigh while she pondered how she would approach Xan about her plans.