Lion Head Mesa tenax

a muscle in his jawline tensed and then relaxed. he nodded. it had been disrespectful of him to assume so much. and yet he did. germanicus had wanted to believe that theirs was only a  mutual attraction. unspoken and unsaid, it would dissipate as crowfeather had greater experiences. including those with others who were not germanicus.

you are kind and good and warm. 

those words echoed in his heart and in their wake a spate of selfishness followed. he put his own want ahead: why could these things not both be done? discretion was the mark of a noble. but discretion demanded denial. and the imperator knew at once that he respected both of these individuals far too much to ask such a situation.

would it have been easier had he simply packed his few items and bid crowfeather goodbye without explanation? it had seemed too malicious.

"perhaps i am full of excuses, crowfeather. i am a man who is used to making swift decisions. and presently i cannot." and presently the fact that he felt he had two choices at all irritated him and caused him despair. he should have been able to say no to lady ruenna in the moment. but germanicus had not wanted to say no. he had found himself thinking of it. and it was these thoughts which had made him feel as if he were betraying the shadow.

"i am not the same either." 

was he destined only to love men? he felt no sense of disregard toward ruenna. the possibility had not caused germanicus the anxious resistance he often experienced when considering women for any reason. but when he looked toward crowfeather, he felt in his spirit that it was wholly different.

maybe the eagle only wanted his own inner assurance that he would be able to maintain himself with the young men who came to train at mereo. he found himself transfixed and seen now. transfixed and seen as he had never been before. the shadow saw much. germanicus wanted never to be so visible again.

but there was relief in it. "i search for what will discipline me so that i might hold my desires in check." devotion to mereo would provide this on a constant basis for germanicus. the yellowpaint eyes softened. "if i allowed myself —"

the rest remained silent. the eagle's gaze was rawboned and open.