Stone Circle it means family

Days seemed to fly by even though she had very little sense of time. Today was a particularly hot day, so it must be summer. Charles must be a year old. Laurel did not see him as often, though he would pester her every once in a while. Once a day, perhaps, or was it once a month? It was hard to tell. At least her heat had passed and Xan had, for some reason -- because you're ugly -- not taken advantage of it, like she thought he would. It was confusing because it made her feel safer around him -- oh come on, dearest, you know you want it -- but at the same time less it made her feel worthless and ugly -- because the only thing that's good about you is that pretty ass of yours, even if it is a little.. unelegant. His voice was flawless still, exactly as she remembered their interactions. She'd only heard him talk once, and maybe a little bit when he had come into Easthollow and Vespera had ripped him apart with Indra's help, and hers... She thought to remember. It was all a blur, a hazy day. Some days she thought that maybe he hadn't died at all. Some days she thought he'd died and his soul had been transported into her mind.

But only a fool would believe such silly things, now would they? Laurel winced as she leaned down to lap up the water. She vaguely remembered that Charles had told her about wolves dying. It further brought up her fear for Greyback. He'd chased away Vespera, and she was next. Every day she was afraid, all day, and every day she wanted to leave, but she just couldn't. You are such a coward. It was true. But don't worry, despite all of your flaws, I still love you. At least you have me. Ears twitched as if there was an itch there, and Laurel pawed at her left ear. But the itch remained.

With a frown she set off back towards her usual hangout spot, hoping that today would be another uneventful day, and one without Charles pestering her, but dreading that it might not be.

Because you and I both know it's only a matter of time...

for @Valette !

Valette had a whole task list that she needed to do today or wanted to do. Since she was helping Siarut with the pups she had little time for other things. So today she chose to be productive. She had already checked several things on her mental checklist when she spotted Laurel. The female stopped and then approached the other. A chuff sounded to let her presence be known. The other had been a bit in the background of Easthollow that she knew.

She smiled at Laurel. "Laurel, how are you?," she asked curiously. She knew that her bother had some sort of thing going on with her it seemed. She was not sure what and had not really informed herself about the situation. She hoped that Xan would come to her one day but that might never happen. Valette looked over the female with a soft smile. It might also be good to check up on more of the wolves that kept to the background.

When the chuff first sounded, Laurel looked up, startled. Yet when she heard Valette's voice she relaxed somewhat. Laurel was still afraid of what might come, though Valette did not frighten her nearly as much as the patriarch. Valette, she said and Laurel forced a smile to her face. It was evident that it was forced, but it was the best that Laurel could manage. I am well. A lie that was clear as day; anyone who had paid only a little bit of attention to Laurel knew she was hardly well. I was sorry to hear about the recent deaths. My condolences. She frowned, knowing that it wasn't enough, but offering something anyway -- partly out of fear, partly out of genuine regret for their deaths.

Valette saw the forced smile and wished that the female would feel comfortable around her. But it seemed that the female would always stay tense. She offered quick smile back. Not sure if it had anything to do with her and Xan why she felt so tense. She decided not to ask. It seemed that she wasn't really honest about being alright either, but, Valette kind of wasn't alright either. The Matriarch nodded slowly. "Times have been tough," she honestly admitted. "We both lost our sister," she spoke in realization.

She looked at Laurel. "But thank you. I just try to live with the fact that Nanook wanted me to keep going. Plus I have her kids to raise now too, so times are busy. I am sorry if I have neglected you," she admitted then. She had been mostly dividing her attention between pups and leading the pack.

Times have been tough seemed like the novelisation of Laurel's life and she wished that she had the eloquence Valette possessed to say such things without sounding like a wreck. She wanted to be strong. She'd always been strong. But who are you even strong for these days, dearest? When she was little, Laurel was strong because she didn't want to adults to discredit her just because of her age. When she grew up, she was strong because Indra was not and she needed to keep a brave face to show her sister that everything would be alright. When she had children, she needed to be strong for her children and for them to see that all was well.

And now..?

Who do you have left to be strong for?

To say that it was the pack was a lie; no matter how much Laurel wished that she could say otherwise, for she owed the lives of her children, of my children, to this pack. She distrusted most if not all of the pack and she worried every day that Greyback would throw her out of the pack or worse.

At Valette's realisation they both lost a sister, Laurel nodded. Her face was enveloped in a frown as she thought of this, and mostly, of how very different she and Valette were. So we have, she said as she realised it too. And yet, even though they had now both lost a sister, there seemed to be nothing to tie them together except that very fact, and though it seemed like a lot, it also seemed not enough at the same time.

Valette said she had her sister's children to raise, to which Laurel nodded. She thought of the joy to mother children, but at the same time the means to get there brought a dark frown to her face; how such a beautiful thing had been so ruined. She thought of Charles, and suddenly realised -- you wish he was dead! Our son! -- that she wished he was gone, like Riley and Louie, that she had no more reminder of the dark ghost that took the last shreds of her sanity. Even though the boy isn't truly what is keeping me here. But she had a spark of hope, and then she realised it.

She wasn't being strong for anyone else anymore, because she had no one she cared enough for to do so...

But she had to be strong for herself, because otherwise she would lose her mind.

To be neglected was all Laurel wanted, because interaction brought fear; though not as much from Valette as it would have been if it were Greyback. Valette was smaller and less threatening and she wasn't the one who had kicked out Vespera. To hear her apologise for neglecting Laurel felt awkward. Laurel wasn't sure what to say to it, whether to say 'oh, it's alright' or 'oh, no, I'm fine on my own' or even 'oh, no, I'm sorry myself for not pulling my weight as much'. But instead, lost in the middle of all the possibilities, Laurel glossed over it and just latched onto what Valette had said before that: It must be a comfort in some way, to have some part of her here in the form of her children. Oh, what Laurel would have given to have babies of Indra a year past, and not just her own horrible children that Indra had never wanted birthed. Even if it's tough.

To Valette, Laurel had always been very quiet, only speaking the most necessary. The female could understand that not everyone was as chatty and she liked that she had some conversation with Laurel. She was quite oblivious to the female's inner thoughts. She wasn't aware of any fears the female had. Valette slowly nodded at her last words. "Yes. It is a comfort, but also extremely sad," she admitted. "These pups went to losing their mother and they are definitely not careless pups. They are very fearful," she spoke. She wished for them to be happy and not be too on guard of danger but that would never get out of them probably.

She glanced over Laurel and then offered a soft smile. "I'm glad you are still around though," she spoke. It seemed that even when things went down, Laurel was still there with the pack in the background. Valette appreciated her loyalty, even after her sister died. "So, how are things with you and Xan now? I was wondering that since I didn't notice too many outburst between you two," she asked, hopefully it wasn't a too personal question for Laurel.

Laurel simply nodded at Valette's further words on the pup situation. It was strange to talk to Valette about it as if they were friends, when Laurel didn't feel any affection like that for her leader, blocked by the fear that she felt every day since Vespera had been kicked out.

Her leader's next words were so estranging because of this -- I'm glad you are still around though -- what did it mean? Glad she wasn't dead? Glad that she was here? Why? Laurel blurted out the word before she realised it. She couldn't think of a single reason why Valette would like that Laurel was here. She clicked her teeth together after, annoyed at the slip of tongue, but quickly glossed over it when Valette mentioned Xan, eager to grab a new subject instead; even if she didn't really enjoy talking about this hot potato subject necessarily.

So how are things with you and Xan?

Who even knew. Xan... She trailed off, trying to find the words. I... I don't know. Not as bad as they were, I guess. She wasn't sure why she was even answering at all, and why she didn't just make up a more favourable lie instead of saying that she didn't know.

Valette raised her brows in surprise when the female asked 'why'. The matriarch looked over Laurel, almost thinking there was far more to this than she was seeing. Sure, Laurel was not the one she had the deepest connection with but she was still family to Valette. She wouldn't want the female to get hurt, which was why she defended her against Xan that one time. "You are part of my family and have been for awhile. I know we don't talk a lot but I figured that is because you like to keep to yourself and I respect that," she commented with a bit of a shrug.

Valette nodded when the female shared a bit about her and Xan, but once again, not a whole lot. "I don't even know what is going on his my brother's head sometimes. As long as you don't feel uncomfortable with him being here then that is at least a good step."

Laurel nodded as Valette said that she was part of the family. Laurel wasn't entirely sure what to believe; on the one hand she believed Valette, but on the other hand she was afraid of Greyback, so afraid. She contemplated asking if Greyback was really back as Patriarch and if it could happen again and what would happen if he would try to kick out Laurel? Would Valette step in? Of course not, you are useless to them. You are nothing to them. You are everything to me, though, love... She winced, though it was hard to tell why, and nodded. I guess that's true, she said, the words coming out forced and awkward. She's on to you. She knows the truth -- that they mean nothing to you, too. That I mean everything to you. Laurel tried to combat his voice in her head but it was so hard, especially trying to keep up the conversation with Valette. His words were so stupid and nonsensical and yet they made more sense than anything in the world because hadn't she taunted him and what if those words were true? It would be the end of her.

She swallowed thickly and responded to Valette's words about Xan: Yeah, he's... He's something, alright. She thought back to their last conversation, when he had said that he wanted to be there for her. Was he truthful? Would he be there for her? She wasn't sure, and she was afraid to find out, honestly. But what else did she have in this world? Laurel opened her mouth, contemplating telling Valette that they were lovers, once -- hadn't she already told Valette that, before they got together? -- thought of telling her to keep Charles away from her -- but that would only enforce the possibility of getting kicked out -- thought of telling her who his father was -- did she even know him? of course you do, love! -- but in the end, she got stuck between everything and couldn't figure out why she wanted to tell her matriarch anything at all. She closed her mouth again and smiled awkwardly instead.

Valette nodded when the other spoke that it was true. It didn't give her enough to really bounce off that. Laurel didn't like to chitchat and keep to herself. Period. Valette respected that as she had said. The topic of Xan what was next, wasn't the greatest either it seemed. She just nodded in agreement once more. "Hopefully things will sort out between you," she commented.

With Laurel only smiling tightly Valette though that it might be better to leave. She wanted to be respectful of Laurel and her reluctance to share. She was about to bid her farewell. "I hope you feel that you can always talk to me if something is wrong. I will be there for you." There must be a reason that the female was reluctant to share or talk.

Yeah, I hope so too. He seems to want to change, at least. Her words were still a little stiff, but at least she was talking. Xan was a difficult subject, and Laurel was never too sure where she had him.

Valette said she would be there for Laurel. What did that mean? Laurel wasn't entirely sure, and it showed on her face that she was reluctant to accept those words as truth. Thank you, she offered eventually. I... Never had anyone besides Indra... She cut the sentence short, unable to say it. Pathetic. His voice echoed in her head. You can't even talk about all the things that are wrong in your life. But don't worry, dearest... You can always talk to me. Laurel bit her lip and frowned, then simply repeated: Thank you.

She wanted to talk, but at the same time it just felt like she didn't have the means to, the toolkit necessary to make such a thing happen. She wanted to, but she couldn't. She wasn't sure anyone could ever make her feel safe enough to want to.

Valette truly hoped for the female that the other wanted to change. She just knew there was a good in Xan but things had happened, things she wasn't aware of, that somehow made him into the wolf he was today. She hoped he would grow and learn from it so he would at least be better socially, especially to his family. Valette merely nodded to Laurel. The female followed with two thank you's. Though it didn't look like the female agreed with it. Valette just interpreted it that the female didn't want to talk to her. Which was fine, not every wolf should be a best friend or be forced to talk to her.

"Alright, well then I will continue with my day. Take care," she wished with a friendly smile. She turned away and started to walk off. It had been a long time since a conversation between someone felt this ... rough. She hoped for Laurel too that she would feel more comfortable around others.

Valette finished their talk by wishing her a good day and Laurel nodded at her leader as the opportunity to talk passed by without Laurel managing to grasp it. As the window was gone now, she gave no more than a nod. At the take care, she said, You too. And Laurel watched as Valette walked away with a friendly smile. Well, that was uneventful, she heard him say as she watched her leader depart. But a seed was no doubt planted. We'll see, murmured Laurel and she started heading off for a walk while she tried to sort her thoughts, as always accompanied by the voice in her head; the voice that had first started utilising the cracks in her soul and started tearing them apart.