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She did her very best to listen, really listen, without interjecting while he spoke. There were half a dozen moments where she yearned to cut in and argue, but she didn't. Or couldn't, more like. Every new thing he said left her either more dumbfounded or more hurt than the last. On some level, she acknowledged he was right. It was undoubtedly difficult to live in a pack with a leader that wanted nothing to do with you. But she believed it was even more difficult to feel secure as a leader with a known rival in the pack and a healthy fear that one day that rival would decide they deserved better and her position would be threatened, not only by Nyx, but by her daughters as they grew up. No, she didn't feel bad for it at all. She understood that Ciri and Elke were innocent and hadn't deserved it, but that wouldn't have lasted.

If only she was a little more clever, she would've realized that winning Ciri and Elke to her side would have been the easier method of ensuring that Nyx could not rise against her. Alas, all she could foresee were two children who would grow up to disregard her authority with the same flippancy she felt their mother did, and that was not something she could tolerate. Besides, it wasn't like she'd spent any time with Marble or Calcifer or Astraeus, either. She was a busy wolf with a son who'd been missing and a daughter who was deeply trouble. She didn't have time to coddle all the children and make them feel wanted.

There was a lot more she wanted to say on the subject of Nyx, but it was all wiped away when he went on to tell her he loved them more than her. Oh. Ouch. By the time he finished saying what he needed to say, there was a wet track down each cheek. Even the socket without an eye still produced tears, although only her remaining eye was able to sting with them. It took her a long while to muster together her words into something comprehensible. So long, in fact, that she almost considered turning and walking away without a word, the way he had done many times to her.

When your children grow up, she began, in a voice that was raw with emotion, and find mates of their own and sons and daughters of their own—

tiercel

—and they don't think about you anymore, or they do so with disgust and disappointment rather than the love you wish for—

TIERCEL

—I would be the one still there, standing beside you. Always. The last word was choked out. He loved them more than her? Wylla, on the other hand, loved Mahler as fiercely as she loved each of her children, in a different manner. If she chose him for her life partner, then she would choose him even over her children if she absolutely had to. It would be an agonized decision that might tear her asunder, but she would choose him. When they grew up and spread their wings and soared and left their mother behind, she would love them no less for it. That was the way of life. But she would choose her partner. He would always be there even after they were gone. Even if they grew to hate her. Even if they never thought of her again when their own lives became too busy for them.

I refused because you asked at the wrong time, in the wrong way. You insulted me with it, Mahler! He'd asked her to be his wife to legitimize their litter because she was insecure about Nyx's. Not because he loved her and wanted to spend his life with her and only her. Maybe he did want that, but it wasn't why he'd asked at the time. She believed now that he'd only asked because it was a convenient way for him to tamp down her jealousy, perhaps so he would not need to bother proving to her that he meant it. It wasn't right. Since then, he had not bothered to ask again in the right way, and she had long given up any hope he ever would.

Nothing left for her to say to make him see her side of it. He was resolutely on his own side. So many words she could've thrown at him, but ultimately it would make no difference. He'd shoved his spear through her heart wholly and completely. A sob bubbled past her lips. I didn't choose you in spite of your plans! We made a mistake. I made a mistake! If I knew— if I had suspected— I never would have— if I knew this was how you would treat me, if I knew you would never stand up for me but would belittle me and invalidate me instead, there would be no Phaedra or Thade.

She fixed him with a long, hard, hurt look and hissed, All I ever wanted was to feel secure. Loved. I never asked you to discard anyone. I just wanted your love to mean something more. You could never even do that for me. I deserve better than this. She deserved to have wonderful children with a man who loved her and cared about her and stood by her the way she would stand by him when they were grown and gone. She no longer thought it could be him.