Jade Fern Grove klagelied

Our children. We. Us.

These were words that really had no place describing Sagtannet, both before and after the move. Wylla had never felt truly at home with her pack. She had never felt truly like her position meant much to anyone but her. And Stag, of course. He, of all of them, had always treated her like she was his leader, and in return she had treated him with more warmth and mentorship than the others. Maybe it was because she hadn't embraced them with unconditional kindness that they hadn't embraced her in return, but even if she wasn't as compassionate as Mahler, she had cared enough about them to work for them.

It was more than most could ask from the battered creature that was Wylla, whose life had never afforded her much regard from others, and what little she managed to carve out was always tainted in some way, with scorn or, in Mahler's case, with insignificance.

Sagtannet was for you and Wintersbane, she said, shaking her head still, taking another step back, mirroring the one he took toward her. How could he reject her and pursue her and continue telling her, in far too many words, that she didn't matter enough to him to take a leap of faith? I was just... support. Even complete strangers who came to the border rarely ever treated me how they would treat you. Wintersbane came by once and showed me no respect whatsoever, like I was just keeping his place warm for him, and so... Would he be pissed off to know she had turned that man away? There was a reason she'd never told him. He would have overruled her decision if he knew, she thought—further testament to what she said next. It was never ours. We never ruled anything as one. It was always yours. We had the same title but we weren't equals. Her title, a mere formality. Maybe to mark her connection with him? But she had never been his either, not truly.

But we could make something that is ours, truly ours. she went on, not knowing why she was even bothering to still plead with him. He'd already made it clear that his responsibility to Sagtannet was more important to him than making a life with someone he loved. The easy way out, because he would continue to keep everything that made his male ego croon while still being able to have children if he wanted to. He didn't need her. For anything.

I shouldn't have left you like I did. I needed support and I felt so undermined and hurt and embarrassed that even when they all left you just sort of scolded me. It doesn't make it right. Was this the first time she'd ever had an open conversation with Mahler? Now, when it probably made no difference? It was the worst mistake I've ever made. But. But I just— I-I can't keep being reviled by everyone else all the time and pretending it doesn't matter to me because it does, it hurts. She tripped over the sob that caught in her throat. She'd made her own bed when it came to Nyx, and she could live with that. But all of them? It was too much to feel like they all merely tolerated her and never had her back. She couldn't have put it behind her. Not again. Grimnismal had been bad enough, but being embarrassed in front of an entire pack of wolves that already treated her as less than... Wylla didn't have a lot of self respect, but she had a little more than that.

It doesn't matter now. Appoint another in your stead, she begged. Takiyok came to mind. Star, even. The woman was older but would be capable, could groom Marble or Calcifer to lead when they came of age, true blood of the mountain. Better yet, she could guide Thade or Phaedra into inheritance and her young could serve as advisors. Asra was younger and probably just as capable of leading a pack, especially if it was as a sort of proxy to Mahler while he checked in from afar. We can continue to support Sagtannet as allies and work on us. We don't even have to lead, we could join up with others and just be together. Phaedra and Thade are almost adults, they can make their own choices. There's a pack on a ridge in the mountains, you can see the peak from there, she rushed on, blabbering now, almost mad with her own conviction that this was right, that this would work, and we would be welcome there and we could visit as much as we want. Phaedra would never forgive him for Ciri and Elke, but Wylla was sure she would forgive him for this. She didn't think Phaedra held it against her for having to leave—she had promised to visit often. That would not change if Mahler went with her. You don't have to hurt them. But eventually we... We have to choose what matters most to us, before we wake up someday and find that the lives we led were meaningless.

You matter most to me. I would not leave you again. But please don't make me choose between losing you and losing what little dignity I have to stay somewhere I am not wanted. I... I can be better to you, I can try harder, I can make amends for how I treated the others, or I can try. Bargaining, desperation mounting. He would know who she meant. Just... meet me in the middle.