Redhawk Caldera Handle With Care

@Teya

After the funeral Dwin had given time for the adults to mourn the man they had known and loved far longer than her. She was busy tracking and hunting, occasionally watching children or keeping them company, so that they did not stray too far away. With kids outnumbering the adults it was in their best interests (not that they ever appreciated the effort) to be kept within the borders of caldera. This she achieved with varying degrees of success.

However, one matter plagued Dwin's mind constantly and it was the empty spot at the leadership table. With Maia taking care of Eljay and having her paws full with kids, with Amalia injured and Teya in no state of mind to busy herself with being bothered by the duties... things did not look good. Being young and selfish she viewed this from her standpoint - if she had hoped to free herself of the place in the next few months, she was now facing one very long and difficult winter. The prospect of this - having her life just as dull and boring as it had been recently - was not in any way cheerful. 

But what she missed the most were wolves her age - she felt very lonely, surrounded either by old people or very young people and none, to whom she could vent her struggles and problems to, with whom she could share her dreams and aspirations any time she wished. She often thought of Val being that person, but he lived impossibly far away to fulfill that role. Deep in thought she sat on her favourite ledge, pushing pebbles and tiny rocks in the water below, with every splash wishing that life would get better in some way at least. 

two husbands dead. two lovers gone. if ever a woman thought herself cursed, it was teya. 
she scarcely ate; each day was spent in sleeping if she was not on patrol. she could not force herself to speak to even her own children, though each day her silent embrace welcomed them against the beat of her heart.
the caldera remained under a pall. teya roused herself to hunt for those who needed it, even while her own hunger went unanswered.
today she found dwin, and though she didn't want conversation, these things weren't up to her. everyone was hurting and teya knew she could not shut herself away forever.
in quiet heartache she sat gently near ceridwen, glancing out over the water and its ripples.

Dwin did not really know, how to act around people right after the funeral, she had not even known, what to tell either Teya or her kids at the gathering, because "I am so sorry" felt worn-out and too simple, but then she was not eloquent with words enough to offer anything else. 

Seeing Teya now she dreaded that they would be forced to talk and with both feeling miserable for two very different reasons, this was not an instance, when a conversation could help either of them in any way. Therefore she quietly acknowledged the other wolf's presence with a nod and then let silence settle between them. 

Few rocks and splashes later, she turned to the down-trodden Raven and simply said: "Life's crap, isn't it?" A simple statement of a fact and truth. 

dwin's spectacularly stated sentiment drew a rasp of agreeing laughter from teya. "yes," she answered, happy for no platitudes, for no well-wishing. she had no idea what she was going to do. she couldn't leave. she couldn't follow him into memories. she had to stay alive, and what was more, had to stay present.
and she couldn't even blame him for dying, much as she never wanted to do that. the pain needed to go somewhere and so for now teya had swallowed it into this tarry core that just — sat like rot inside her stomach.
"sorry, dwin. you lose him too."

"It is not the same," Dwin replied softly, casting a sympathetic glance at Teya. Yes, she felt sad. But in a more pragmatic way. Bronco had been a man, who could have lived long and achieved more, and certainly the world could have done with more offspring of this brave, valiant and selfelss man. But life was not fair and it did not matter to it, which soul it reaped and which it let to live. 

She fell silent and pushed another rock in the water. It seemed she should say something along the lines of well-wishing, but telling a person, who is in the process of grieving that everything will be alright, when it really did not feel that way? And - frankly speaking - Dwin would be lying, if she suggested that. 

"You know - a while back I told @Frolic , that if you put a tooth in the ground a tooth tree will grow," she said with a smile. "Believe it or not - she believes that this applies to every thing we bury undreground," she went on. "I think that Bronco would find it very amusing, if the kid's faith proved true and he grew back as a Bronco-tree," Dwin smiled. "Mom says that "kid's believing stuff" is a very powerful thing."

how could she tell dwin that a child's story was making her feel worse? that all she wanted to do was pack up the kids and leave, or just leave herself. their legacy was blackthorn. bronco was their father. she couldn't drag them out of here, either; she had to stay until they were old enough and healed enough to recover.
and where did that leave her? a half-woman, a shadow hanging somewhere between bronco and somewhere between reyes. a wolf defined by the husbands she'd outlived, the daughter who had left her, the three who now suffered in agony the death of their father.
realizing she'd been silent for a long time now, teya inhaled and wiped the drizzle of tears from her face. "your mom is right. kids believing in things — it teaches rest of us how to believe so hard." did her children think he would come back? did frolic?
a tree, springing up overnight to stand in brecheliant and speak with that sweet voice.
teya laughed in spite of it all, in spite of herself.

Teya might have told Dwin this and it would not change a thing. Because, while this was the first time she was affected by a death of a person she had known personally, she also intuitively felt that there were so many ways at this point to make the little Raven and her kids feel worse than they did already. Because the path to feeling better eventually was theirs to make. Others could watch and feel sympathy, but not intervene. 

"It is a cute story, of course," Dwin had to admit that under any other circumstances this would be a great way to introduce kids to the topics about mortality. "But it does not help, if she is or will be going around telling you or your kids that this belief is the reason, why you should stop mourning," she went on, thinking that - perhaps - she was not the only one, who had thought at one point that Frolic and Seal were at least indirectly responsible for, what had happened to Bronco. 

"I fear that she - them - might get blamed for, what took place," she said. "And even with only that damn cat to blame - her making other people's sorrow irrelevant because of her own childish convictions, that's a definite road to hell," she finished. "I don't know, how to approach her about this, because Frolic is bad at listening to anyone."

"oh," teya breathed out. "i not think anyone blame frolic for what she say. or feel. they all — need something. maybe this good. maybe it good if they believe like her." it was important that boris and ponyboy and bronte actually had something.
something good.
something more than she could give them.
"you and frolic close." teya wiped her mouth, cleared her throat. "maia and eljay not in leadership. now bronco die. i only auntie."
a pause.
"maybe frolic need someone to look up to. someone. new blackthorn auspex who make sense of this world."

"Nah, we are not," Dwin shook her head, finding it funny that Teya would even think that. To be honest, she was not particularly close with any of her younger siblings. "I can't stand her - she brings out the worst in me," she explained with a shrug. "It may be because we are so much alike that having two stubborn and reckless fools in the same house is a bit too much," that was the conclusion that she had come up with to explain at least a bit of her complicated feelings towards the girl. 

"Teya - sorry, being a leader is not a path I desire," she said diplomatically, though her initial reaction had been - What the hell? Do I not have enough chores already?!!! "I think that, when it comes to jobs and trades and places to live, you feel them with your heart," she continued. And while her heart had not yet found, what it desired the most, it had learned quite a lot of, what it did not want and what made it miserable. "Do you plan to... do you want to leave?" she asked.

.

teya smiled, perhaps letting out a laughlike sound. "sisters never get along at first. i mean that you have bond with frolic. even if not perfect. it may not be. but she little. she outgrow all her foolishness, yeah?"
but the blackthorns were a stubborn family, and it attributed to teya's next sigh. she glanced toward the ground now, then lifted her head. "i not want to stay, dwin. but my children want to stay. so i stay with them." 
and that was that. there was no reason to resent the earth, to avoid bronco's grave. there was no reason to flee. they grounded her, and this land was theirs to hold until teya felt they were old enough to be without her.
and then;
she did not know.

"I highly doubt that," Dwin shook her head, though - come to think of it - she could not remember the last time she had done silly thing just for the fun of it. Realizing that she too may have joined the ranks of "the boring adults" made her shudder and protest. I am not boring. The circumstances force me to be! "That would be the embarrasment to the Blackthorn family name. Silly and reckless is in, what we excel!" she chuckled and then it died away, because without any other full-blood adult Blackthorns around to lead the party, she no longer knew, what the family name itself meant exactly. 

It surprised her that Teya too was not happy to stay here - she had always seemed to be such a homebody. But then again - Bronco had been here at the time. And she had never truly had a heart-to-heart conversation with the Raven, where they spoke to each other as adults. "It gets really lonely here," she felt she could be honest with Teya now the way she could not be with her parents. "I am also not sure, if leaving would be an option, because this is the only home I have ever known, but... I am not happy here either. Is this, what growing up means? Becoming kind of homeless inside your heart?" she chuckled at the strange way she had worded the idea. 

"You have not lived here all your life either, have you?" she asked. 

the fen.
the fen was what had been missing for teya. it was a place to which she had fled.
and yet the fen had slid to the back of her mind these years. babies and husbands. deaths. she watched eljay age and knew she could not urge them away to the fen, not for her.
he was a blackthorn, and the caldera belonged to them as it had the redhawks.
the younger woman spoke openly, and so teya would do the same, relieved for the chance. "yes. your heart becomes home. where you take it is home, for a while. but happiness not come from land. it come from others. from self."
a sob raced out of her mouth before she could stop it, but no more arrived. tipping ceridwen an apologetic smile, the raven sighed. "from love."

"I sometimes think that for dad love for this land trumps everything else," Dwin remarked, being familiar with, how very unhappy Eljay was with the very idea of leaving anywhere and thinking it unfair that Maia had had to give up her life of traveller to cater for his needs. "I would not be able to do it - like mom can. Could. There was this old story about a prince trapping a nightingale to have it sing only for him. Except the bird without its freedom lost its song and life," she said. "You know, we were told this story to learn about, how you cannot change people, who they are. You cannot force them and yet... it happens all the time. And people - mom, for example - does it willingly," she finished, looking down at her paws. She hoped that Teya would not retell this to Maia, because this would make her more miserable in an already sad situation. 

"In that case my heart does not know, what it wants," she concluded, fell silent and sighed. She got to her feet, picked up a rock and shoved it over the ledge. The length of its flight was not as mighty as the attempt at throwing had been. "Forgive me for asking - but was it all worth it?" she asked. "Loving someone. Was all of, what you had, worth the sorrow you feel and will probably feel for the rest of your life?" she knew that by saying this, she had been tactless and would make Teya hurt more than she already did. But then - if she never asked now - she would not find out. 

love made one surrender many things, teya wanted to say. including self. it was the sacrifice of women eternal, to put down their wants for their men.
dwin asked about love, and the raven felt her eyes wet with pain once more. the rock's splashing echoed in her mind. "it worth it, dwin," she at last said with finality. "it hurts so much because love. but love so powerful as a experience. i rather have loved bronco and lost him than not love him at all."
but love had left her again and again. and teya had finally seen the usefulness of confining it to her dreams.

"I don't think that..." love should be about suffering - Dwin wanted to say, but kept it to herself. There and then she realized for the first time that the way people understood love differed from person to person. It was like people sitting at a card-game table. Some played with high stakes they gave it all and either got more than most or lost everything horribly. Then there were the cautious ones, who chose their moves carefully and who dabbled here and there, but always kept the balance. Dwin did not want to end up like Teya. Despite her saying that all of it had been worth it, that she would do it again, Dwin did not feel convinced. Inner-Dwinness to her was more important than having it shaken and torn down to the foundations. 

"Will you be okay over time?" she asked next, sounding probably inconsiderate a bit, since the wounds were still fresh. "What I mean... if you need company or someone to talk to... or simply stay in silence - I am here. It... I cannot offer you much useful help, but I can help nonetheless," she rambled, but the intent was there. Teya should not face this alone. No one should.

teya did not have it in her to defend love. not now. not more. bronco was cradled in heart and chest; bronco was;
he was gone.
she must accept it.
too late she looked up with something soft, desiring it to be a smile. willing it so. "i be okay over time," she told the perceptive young woman. "i want you to take care of self and siblings. help keep us safe. soon we — we need to hunt, before winter."
planning for a future in which she did not even want to take part.

Teya no longer wished to dwell on the subject of loss and steered the conversation to more practical matters. Dwin - Miss Curious - being her second nature would have wanted to dissect the little Raven's situation to the smallest detail, but she was not entirely heartless. After all - there was time and place for analyzing the way you felt and trying to make sense of it. And then there were times, when you just needed to feel. She had recognized by now that, when she let herself wallow in her discontent and self-pity to the point of disgust with herself and being fed up with everything, she felt better afterwards. Maybe it worked the same way with grief also. 

"I do not think that with the numbers and team we have now, we can pull off a big hunt," Dwin shared her doubts. Because Eljay was old, Amalia - injured, that left Maia, Teya and Dwin and the pups. And they weren't nowhere near to aim higher than hares, in her humble opinion. "Maybe, if things get really tough... we will have to consider relocation," she remarked. Dad would be opposed to it, but then... between the choice of starving to death or living inside the memories of your childhood home. She preferred the first. Dwin was not ready to kick the bucket yet. 

applying herself to the conceptions of tomorrow helped teya remain in the present. and that was what she needed: a tether. a bond. a tie. dwin was pragmatic and suggested something of which she had not thought before, causing the raven to sit a little higher.
"relocation? what do you mean? or — where?"
teya was bound to stay. in the meantime, she must find fulfillment, and perhaps a project was necessary. her eyes were curious now, a little brighter.

"Where there's enough food and no competition, preferably," Dwin returned and chuckled, because even with these humble requests good territories to claim were hard to come by. They were either already claimed or there was a queue of wolves waiting for the resident family to pack up and leave. Or too near for peaceful co-existance. The other reason she did not mention to Teya was Dwin's wish to have more opportunities meeting people her age or a little older. No offence to her parents, uncles and aunties in Brecheliant - they were awesome, but she really missed having other people to bond with.

"I mean... graves ain't going anywhere. My mom left Broken Antler fen despite the fact that her beloved sister is buried there. But I understand that the necessity to keep the living going was more important," she said, realizing not for the first time during this conversation that she may have expressed opinions that could possibly hurt Teya. "I don't mean you - specifically - just... just in case things get really hard during winter, I think it is always better to scout for places, where it might be tad bit easier," she explained. "But I think that I am talking a little too much now and making a little too less sense," she smiled, rising to her feet. "Would you like to have lunch with me?"

Maybe you can wrap this up and fade out in your next post? And then we can either have an updated one with these two or Wraen could meet Teya.

mm maybe both! i see dwin is out exploring and maybe teya will do the same! game to meet wraen anytime! <3

this was blackthorn land. once it had been redhawk territory, but that family had moved on. teya didn't think they would want to uproot again, not after bronco. not after eljay retiring. it was the only home the kids had known.
and yet, something moved inside her, just enough to let a ray of sunshine touch the tear-drenched place inside her.
something to do. something new to be. some — purpose. "you make sense," she assured, reaching to nose the young wolf's shoulder.
"lunch sound good."