Raven's Watch silverwave

here the lake widened into a river along the edge of the watchlands. teya stood with ankles buffeted by the current, fishing expertly despite the fact she had not done so before. "last time we here, too injured to enjoy the place," she commented to @Bridget, not glancing up just yet as a fat trout lazily skimmed against one of her legs.
her heart felt so much sunnier when she was away from brecheliant, and this engendered its own guilt.

Bridget was perceptive enough to notice the obvious change, but she didn’t comment on it. Instead she kept it to her own private thoughts, mulling it over during the quieter moments.

I definitely enjoyed parts of it, she replied, laughing at the recollection. It had been a shit show, but the best kind of shit… the one where she got to dive in headfirst, guns blazing. She didn’t know the last time she’d felt that free. Years at least.

It’s easier to enjoy it without the residents breathing down your neck too. And I still kind of wish they were here. It would show that something could actually last. She didn’t say it - it felt unfair to Brecheliant. Maybe that was why she picked the life of a traveling medic, and why the conversation with Amalia had gone the direction it had. If the wolves here had left, they probably had good reasons for doing so. But it didn’t make it any less disappointing to find them gone.

a splash, a flash of fin. the fish arced through the air to gasp in the grass until teya's dispatching bite ended a long death. "not me!" she said. "glad they gone. can enjoy place much better not being around others."
maybe that was the issue, crowds. groups. expectations.
the stars would be out soon, teya saw. she carried the trout to bridget and offered it up before settling to clean fish slime from her paws. "been a good trip so far."

Oh, yeah? The antisocial doesn’t take long, I see! Bridget replied, clearly poking fun, before shaking her head and laughing quietly. You’re right, though. No way we would have been able to just walk through if they still were here. That’s always kind of a shame, too, not being able to see a place because someone else happened to find it first.

She watched Teya successfully catch the fish from where she was relaxing on the bank. She had planned to catch herself a little something later, but of course, Teya had other plans. She knew better than to argue. It really has been. I was just telling Amalia a bit ago how good it it would be to get away for a while. And it feels even better than I thought it would, no offense to Brecheliant. She knew it wasn’t personal. This looks amazing, by the way! You’re eating some of it too, right?

"always," teya chuckled. "antisocial right there." and she shook her head then, slyly. "borders never stop me," the raven declared with an arch of her brow. the alabaster face of — well. her mind rushed with the image and then she was blank.
"no offense to brecheliant," teya murmured with a wan smile. "i feel same way. how amalia doing?" she asked, taking a bite of what she had brought and pretending as though the mention of a pretty, unattached woman in the mouth of her pretty, unattached friend™ made her feel no way at all.
she was glad they had come after all, and tried to release the feeling with great effort.

Bridget straightened up and leaned in conspiratorially at that little nugget. Oh? You want to go border skipping? Naughty, but I am so in! She was (mostly) joking, but the part that missed her wilder and less tied down days perked with real interest. Fuck, how nice would it feel to be chased? It really was too bad that it usually came with some risk of real injury, because otherwise she’d already be looking for the nearest pack.

Amalia’s great. She was talking about wanting to travel too, so we were comparing notes. Spring seems to be the time for it. Bridget hadn’t spoken with her often, but it would be a lie to say she hadn’t considered the fact that something might be there. It was an easy thing to dismiss offhand with most she met, though. Who wanted a future without kids?

Reading none of Teya’s internal thoughts, Bridget took a bite, swallowing before she continued. Winter just makes the place feel smaller, I think. So everyone takes that first chance to get away. Except Maia and Eljay, maybe, since their kids surely hadn’t hesitated. Never a bad thing, in her opinion, though those were the thoughts she tended to keep to herself.

her amusement was clear. "wolves, if they were here, we still be here too," teya insisted. "go high into watch walls, go up and be one with ravens."
she nodded at bridget's opinion of how the winter affected feelings inside a pack, and she felt that made more sense than she had realized. was it just that for her? but how could it feel like that every day, every hour, every minute?
eternal winter.
she fought the descent into her own ugly thoughts, trying to remain present for them both. "glad we came, then?" teya asked, deciding that keeping the focus on bridget was probably all she could manage for now, and the best approach.

Of course. There wasn’t even a question about it. She’d been looking forward to the trip, but she hadn’t realized how much she herself needed it too until it had drawn closer. Let alone watching how much lighter Teya became the further they wandered.

Intuitively she knew, even if Teya hadn’t mentioned it yet. There was no way she couldn’t see it. She’d suspected it, and it was the reason she’d proposed a chance to get away, but the reality of their travels only confirmed it. There was a hesitation to bring it up, and potentially swing the mood of the moment, but there was no argument. Just acknowledgement.

Brecheliant doesn’t fit anymore, does it? Bridget looked at her, softening into a more serious conversation. It makes sense. It’s hard to move forward in a place that stands still. And it’s been nice seeing you smile again.

Maybe she was wrong - or maybe she was right, and Teya would resist the idea. She’d always given more of herself to the pack than Bridget did, first as a leader, then as a wife and a mother. If that was the case, she wouldn’t fight it. Yet she hoped for a different answer, an answer that would complicate so many things.

"teekon doesn't fit anymore," teya answered more candidly than she had wanted. but it was true. being away from brecheliant brought such a relief that shame soon followed. the caldera made her feel numb, empty —
"i tell maia and eljay i maybe not come back." she cleared her throat a little. "their eyes..."
it hurt very much to think she was abandoning them, even if she knew she wasn't. her children were yearlings now and there were no more to come. grandchildren would fill brecheliant every year —
she felt herself start to cry, and fought it a bit, though she moved closer to bridget, desperate for a portion of the cardinal's nearness even if she would never let herself ask for it again.
"i like smiling more. i like feeling — better." not quite whole, but better. "and i like when i see you smiling." and it had always been that way. she fumbled and turned halfway, looking out over the stone expanse.

Fortunately Teya never needed to ask. As soon as it was apparent that she was upset, Bridget leaned in, pressing their sides together in silent support while she listened.

It hurt to hear, of course. But this pain was discounted immediately by the gratitude she felt towards hearing Teya finally speak about the things she needed. The familiar defensiveness rose in her, a flicker of anger at the idea that Maia or Eljay had made her feel guilt for that. She’d remained through way more than most would. What right did they have to try and make her stay now?

There is nothing wrong with that. She insisted, smiling and touching Teya’s cheek. Despite the smile, her eyes were still serious. It’s okay to do the things that you need to do in order to move on, to be there for your family. Even if that means disappointing some who don’t understand. I’m proud of you, Teya.

She had no more right to ask her friend to stay, no matter how conflicted her emotions were. Importantly, also - she didn’t want to. She’d rather fall off another mountain than get between Teya and a choice she was finally making for herself.

bridget was always reassuring.
bridget was always understanding.
bridget deserved more than to be a forever listening ear to a wounded woman unable to change her choices or escape the ones she had already made.
she wanted to kiss bridget. it stood in her eyes for a moment; she blinked it away in shame at her own selfishness. why? why when she knew now she could not stay? why, for the sake of heartbreak? closure?
she drew upon a deep sense of guilt and rode it through the sensation that she would regret never touching bridget again.
teya chose then to glean all she wanted from the warmth of their pressed flanks, in the affectionate validation the cardinal offered; from the way their eyes met when she looked up again.
"i think i go home. to glintcreek fjord. been a long, long time."

There was a moment when the tone seemed to shift.  Bridget sensed it, and though she did not pursue it either, the longing that gripped her had a surprising power to its grasp.  It had been so long that she sometimes forgot what it was to want those things for herself, and she realized with some surprise that Teya had been her last.  Fucking crazy how years could just go by like that and then, all of the sudden, smack you in the face like a total bitch.  Time was apparently rude like that, when the occasion struck it.

She stayed where she was though, knowing and accepting silently how she assumed this would play out.  There was no regret there for her.  Letting go of her expectations had been the thing that had allowed her to come back, to renew this friendship and finally enjoy Teya's company in the way they both needed once more.  Her own feelings, her love and support, she'd made it all clear in as many ways as she knew how.  She could tell Teya she loved her, ask her to stay for her, but that wasn't what either of them deserved.  She deserved to be chosen; Teya deserved her own choice.

I remember you talking about it a little, before.  Your family, and how they were.  She smiled, chuckling a bit beneath the words.  I know families are complicated, so no offense to them.  I'm glad you'll maybe get to show them how wrong they were, at least.  And that you'll get to see home again.  I think there is a kind of magic in going back, even if I don't think I'll ever go looking for it myself.  For better or for worse, she was a wolf who moved forwards.  Backtracking the same ground endlessly wasn't her style, the irony of the current moment nonwithstanding.

they sat in their mutually unsaid cubicles of emotion and spoke of the fjord. there was so much gratitude in teya that bridget spoke with acceptance, even encouragement.
i wanted to know what was beneath, her heart said, beneath the care for others and the sweet objectivity — they'd had it, hadn't they? for a time.
why the silver pierce of regret? why was it here now? where was her excitement to leave, to be shut of all that came before? 
teya did not want to leave the cardinal, now that she had no path to turn back. of course she did. this didn't have to be a decision.
"few things i want to see there. first, to go to highest point and see stars over sea. nothing like it. the forest is wild with dark green trees and sort of — always sloping. made to climb more there," she joked, and then a pause came; "i not go back for them. i think i go back for me."
the murk of her past was not worth fishing. glintcreek had been there and then it had not. perhaps it was closure she thought.
"and you, bridget? you go back to brecheliant? or —" teya faded to silence, though her tone held the same inquiring support that bridget had always borne for her.

That just makes it all the more right.  It sounds beautiful.  Bridget looked out thoughtfully as she tried to conjure the image.  It sounded a lot like here, or if not, then similar to parts of Moonspear she’d seen.  Few things could beat the stars up there.

I don’t know.  Maybe, for a while.  Bridget was quiet for a moment, considering the question and what she wanted to say.  There was a quiet assumption behind it, one that Bridget wasn’t willing to leave unspoken.  If she knew Teya, chances were high that she would never ask.

I don’t know if the invitation is there to come with, but if it is, I don’t think I should take it right away.  If leaving is the right answer, then you, and they -  she gave a nod in the direction of where Ponyboy and Brontë waited, - need the space.  I’m as wrapped up in the past as anyone else in Brecheliant, maybe even more.  I want you to have the time to sort out what you want without feeling like you need to make anyone else happy.  Including me.  Especially me.

Then she smiled.  And if the invitation wasn’t open, then you’re obviously one step ahead of me.  Or at least on the same page.  Despite the lightness she held to her voice, there was a distinct feeling there too.  This was something she’d thought about, long and hard, ever since she’d gotten the sense that this was a possibility.  It’s not my job to decide how okay you are, I know.  And I don’t want to decide that for you.  I just… want you to have that space.  Actually have the chance to be a mom, and enjoy it, without all of the other mess getting in the way.

Realizing she’d said a lot, Bridget wrapped it up and hoped that was enough to get what she wanted across.  It was hard to put into words, even for one as comfortable talking as she was.  They were a mess, at the end of the day, even if that mess wasn’t bad.  Still, she couldn’t help but worry that the things Teya wanted, the ones that had led her away from Bridget time and time again, still existed.  Those things weren’t necessarily something that had to get between them, but if her friend wanted a family, then Bridget wanted to make sure she wasn’t just an excuse to avoid the pain of another Reyes.  Another Sorana.  Another Bronco.

tactful and perceptive. teya let out a small laugh, nodding when bridget aptly pointed out the vague invitation.
but she did not speak, letting her mind peruse the cardinal's words for a while as the ravens swirled overhead, shouting in their harsh voices to one another.
there had always been a place for bridget inside her heart. no matter who she had lost or driven away, or idolized, or loved, the healer was one constant.
and it was in tacit expectation of this constant that the raven had always acted, so long as she bound herself to the morality of never taking anything more from bridget after her years of selfishness.
"yes. i — want you to come there. but only when you ready. or — if you want. i will be alone, and that good for me. bronte and ponyboy, ah, next year they seek families of their own. and i be there for that, but only as mother." never as a unit. she was rather repulsed by the notion — save when it came to bridget.
"but it will be good for them, to see the fjord. ah, about fifteen days northwest," she found herself mumbling, face heated.
she had given a direction to sundance, but not the days; the days could only be for the cardinal.
she did not allow herself to hope.

Was it good, that she would be alone?  Bridget’s judgement wavered.  Then it steeled itself again against a single thought.  If Teya needed her, she would not say she didn’t.  The habit of caretaking, second guessing and assuming needs, was one that she was consciously learning to break in the closer relationships in her life.  She could not approach loved ones as a problem that needed to be fixed.

I’ll come visit, at the very least.  Let you know how the kids are doing, and take any messages you want back.  I always find work worth doing when I travel.  It will be nice to have the excuse.  She didn’t need one, but it felt  right to stick around for a little while.  If she could help ease Teya’s guilt around leaving Brecheliant in the process? All the better.

Fifteen days was a long way to travel if she did not brush up on her hunting beforehand.  She couldn’t count on any help to make up for a bad string of luck.  Getting in some practice with Amalia suddenly sounded better than ever.

I don’t know what the future is going to look like.  But as long as you want me in it, you won’t have to worry about being alone.  I don’t care what happens, or how I fit in whatever comes next.  I’ll be there.  Bridget was not a wolf who planned for the future, but this she knew with absolute certainty.  She didn’t need a road beyond that.

I'll come visit, and teya's point of focus narrowed to very little, holding there no matter what else bridget said. it was done, over. it was done. there was nothing else to do but move into the future that she had created for herself.
she reached for bridget's paw, just for a momentary squeeze she did not allow to linger. and not for lack of deep want. she wanted to hold the cardinal longer, to kiss her against the backdrop of mountain heights and black feathers.
and how very selfish that would be in the end. 
"i — will look forward to seeing you, bridget. can show you entire fjord. i do want you in my life, yes. it can be like this. i will be happy just to see you."
sentiment curled her tongue; she offered a small sidelong smile and drew a long breath in the permanency of the moment. "you want to count stars tonight?"

Bridget swallowed the forlorn desire that followed, though it settled in her like a shard of bone. You deserve to be loved. Wholeheartedly. It didn't matter if the thought was directed at Teya or within. It was true. For once, it was heartening that Teya received a dozen times the chances that she did. At least one of them might find that deserved happy ending someday.

Of course. Tell me about them? She let the conversation go into safer waters. If it hadn't before, this moment felt like goodbye, the confirmation of a parting that would happen, even if Bridget visited. She'd hold this conversation, this teetering on the edge, for as long as she could.

Just to see her. And I'll always be yours. The words couldn't come. They weren't fair to share, and though they were true, they didn't need to be spoken. She knew. That was enough.