Arrow Lake Should I stay or should I go

for @Mahler

"You should leave..."


But she couldn't do that. She just couldn't do that, not without hearing what Mahler and Stigmata had to say about her disappearance. She prayed the fact that she was leaner and had many wounds fresh and newly closed would be proof enough that she had not meant to leave. She had fought to survive alone, struggled to get back....she just wanted to know if she was still welcome. She wanted to show that her oath to be loyal was not a lie, that she had meant every word she had spoken to Stigmata and to Mahler. She wanted them to know that she wasn't a traitor, that their support and kindness had not been wasted and taken for granted. So why did she hesitate a short distance from the borders? Why did she pace and growl and fight inside her own mind? Why was she so scared to face the men who lead the only true home she had ever known? "Come on" she muttered quietly and then sat down, hanging her head shamefully "Vot eto pizdets!" she cursed, voice choked before she sucked in a deep breath and stood up eyes flashing with fear before she called for the leaders of the mountain, her voice trembly and unsteady.

there was but one leader in diaspora, and he answered kazimir with a slow croon that announced his coming before his slow lope brought him to her. she stood in disarray, the three-legged ferocity still evident in her eyes, but overlaid with some tragedy. the woman had been fiercely loyal to diaspora, and so he welcomed her with a low chuff, expecting an explanation, but too tired to be brutal in his demands of where she had been.
"kazimir," he rumbled gently. "it is good to see you again." why had she returned? he hoped ... hoped she would not ask after stigmata, for mahler was unsure how to break open the barely healed scab.

The low howl of Mahler alerted her that she had been heard and she shivered, a slow sigh released as she struggled to at least look more composed before he arrived. When he did her heart hammered, a jolt of happiness showing her how much she had missed Diaspora (or was it just Mahler and Stigmata she had missed?). He greeted her with friendly words and she gave a watery smile, eyes ridden with guilt "It was an accident...I was poisoned. I...accepted something from a stranger not realising it was some sort of mind altering substance. I was delirious for days, I got lost...I...I messed up again. I just wanted you and Stigmata to know I'm not a deserter" it all rushed out at once, her voice going back and forth between steady and shaking. How did she say that she had stayed away longer intentionally because she allowed the words of a child to break her heart?

he nodded slowly, relief washing into his stoneheld heart. "you are velcome back, kazimir. i know you love diaspora as much as anyone ever did."  she had not succumbed, and when the she-wolf had settled, mahler would visit her again to ask of this poison's nature. 
but for now, he rolled his shoulders with a low rumble of pain and placed his gaze upon her. "stigmata is dead." mahler doubted it would change her decision to return, but kazimir must know all the same.

This went so much better than she could ever have hoped, he told her she could come back, he had faith in her. Her heart soared and she knew, finally that nothing anyone said was going to make her give up on being a Diasporian. She would feed herself and she would feed others, she would prove she was just as functional as a four legged wolf and she would absolutely not tolerate a sniveling brat's ginormous ego to take her own huge ego down. 


And then he spoke again and her heart nearly stopped. She almost laughed not believing that the mighty man that was Stigmata had died. She sucked in a breath and held it, her eyes darkening with pain and she released it again the pain evident in the way the breath shook "How?" She asked softly her flame like gaze avoiding his as she blinked back the moistness that had begun to develop.

"a moose," mahler muttered, unwilling to wilt before kazimir. his throat tightened; he cleared it, looked away from the woman while a muscle leapt in his cheek. such an ignoble beast. what had stigmata been doing, he wondered harshly, not for the first time. what had compelled him from his flock? surely not a hunt; his kill-brother knew better than such foolhardiness.
"come. i vill show you his grave." a dour welcome, to be sure, but mahler was relieved that kazimir had returned home.

The lump welled into her throat as the knowledge that the great founder of Diaspora was fallen by the same kind of beast that had ruined her leg. Such a mighty wolf downed by a mighty prey beast. She would have swallowed it down if not for the turn of his head and the almost missed twitch of his jaw. Her heart sank and she felt for Mahler, who had been closer to him than anyone else. She hesitated one paw lifted and stepped toward Mahler, slowly and almost nervously touching her nose the base of his neck if allowed and then stepping back with a small shake of her head "You don't have to, I'm sure I can locate it. I...would like privacy?" her voice started off soft but as she grasped for a reason that would keep it a secret she just felt it wrong to ask him to go to the grave when he was still upset she stumbled and ended up floundering. The embarrassed expression and ducking of her head to hide a pained cringe saved her, but ended looking like a woman finding out her lover died.

perhaps it was for the best; mahler was unsure how he might look upon his kill-brother's grave again without the sting of tears to hurt his eyes, and he did not want it again. not again, not before kazimir. she needed his strength now, as did all of diaspora.
and so mahler nodded, returning her brush with a nudge of his own. "i vill be at the lake, if you vant company after," the gargoyle muttered, standing aside so that kazimir might fully return home, and in the next moments look upon the one who had fallen in her absence. 

She gave a nod and walked forward, dipping her head as she past him and sniffing around intending to find where Stigmata's scent was most recent. She paused briefly and considered saying something else before faltering and turning forward, walking off again.