The Tangle She says the joys of life are lost among the living

A soft rainfall made the budding leaves of the tangle patter quietly. Given a day or two more of sunshine following the rain, Chacal supposed that the brush might once again burst into verdant life. Green was replacing the dull greys of winter and the rain washed away the dust of the past year. Things were becoming new again, and Chacal herself couldn’t help but feel renewed as well.

Sure, the tangle lay at the borders of her pack- and straying from the borders and into the wild just beyond could be forgivable, in times of peace such as this. She could be excused for a day trip- gone and back without cause for concern.

And so, filled to the brim with hope and anticipation she roved through the labyrinth of budding bushes, East, toward where her heart drove her.

can't resist stealing one more <3 hope you don't mind! (Being so very vague initially)

Ashlar needed to go see her again. There was so much that was new at the rise. Avicus was pregnant! His meeting, and talk, with Ratio. Even just thinking of the man brought so many feelings forward. And, of course, their days together in the forest. He couldn't forget them.

He was a little nervous as he made his way across and through towards the tangle. They needed to speak about more than a few things and Ashlar wanted to be honest, but being honest didn't always end well. He would try it anyway and hope the results were what he wished.

She was here! The moment Ashlar spotted her, he crooned out a note of happy surprise and moved, enthusiastically, to greet her. It had only been a week but it felt like longer! They'd had other priorities then, things that had taken the place of words. But now he knew there were things she needed to know, and he wondered if perhaps she had the same.

She’d expected she might likely cross paths with someone along the way, and if that someone was someone she knew, she might have to explain. It was no secret that Chacal had returned to the pack in high spirits, but she did keep to herself the name of the one who had stolen her heart. 

But when she caught sight of him, recognizable within a moment, she could not believe her luck. Surely, he had come here, drawn toward where she lived as well. She flattened her ears and bounded toward him, tail flinging in broad circles behind her as she swept through and over the budding brush, to willingly lean herself into his embrace with a happy giggle.

All of his misgivings washed away when she responded just as eagerly to him. Ashlar matched her pace and energy in closing the distance and circled around, whuffling happily and nuzzling her cheeks with his muzzle. I hoped you'd be here. He hadn't waited long after sorting things with Ratio to come. Just long enough to ensure that Avicus was fine and to spend a few days drinking in his newfound companionship.

He wanted to speak about that, but first. I missed you, he admitted, smiling and waving his tail. He truly had, just as even with her, he missed Ratio now. How he wished they could all live together, but he knew that was not possible. He would never consider, or even dream, of asking Avicus to leave her Rise. Not the way things were now.

It felt so natural to lean into his embrace, to feel the sunny happiness that he carried in his aura and allow it to spread through hers as well. It tickled her to know he’d been heading out to see her again- and validated her need for his affection. It was more than coincidence that had brought them together again; they were magnetic.

”I missed you too, Ashlar,
It be a blessin’ dat our homes be not far.” She said with a sigh, nuzzling into the fur of his ruff. She couldn’t get enough of him, but the lightness in her heart begged her to move, threatening to send her dancing among the stars if she didn’t exhaust some of this new energy somehow. 

”Come wid me, for today-
Come wid me an’ see,
De land I call home, de beaches and sea?” She invited him, hopefully. She wanted to show him everything- even if it was only a whirlwind tour. Like a siren, she yearned to lure him to her homelands, but with only the best intentions.

Ashlar glowed with the pleasure of their reunion and gave a happy huff as she leaned closer. It really was a great thing that their circles could cross so often, being so nearby. His responsibilities to the Rise were about to grow but for now, he intended to spend the time here in whatever way she wished to.

Her suggestion was met with a nod and a thrilled smile, but then he recalled his promise. It would be better to be honest with her now, first and foremost, and make sure that she still felt the way she did now. It was still hard for Ashlar to comprehend why his feelings for another might change their own, and why Ratio's presence would lessen Chacal's, but the potential shown by his prior conversations made him wish to address it.

I want to see all of it! But I wanted to tell you something first. He looked at her, hoping he could explain it in a way that made it clear how he felt about it all. This is important to me. I really care about you. Despite his attempt, his voice quieted a bit as he became suddenly shy. Ashlar continued. I have a packmate and he is the same, but different. I care about him too. I wanted you to know, and I told him I'd tell you. It's important to me too.

He didn't know if he'd explained it well, or if it made sense. Ashlar, in his innocence, did not know that it was not so common for men to share these things the way they had. All that mattered to him were his feelings, their feelings, and that all were happy in the outcome.

Her spirit begged her to frisk away and simply have him follow- and while his expression initially cued her to believe he was eager to see her homelands, there was something that held him back. There was a slight pause, which caused her to tilt her head. 

She knew an admission when she saw one coming, and despite her rationale, she assumed something dreadful. Her immediate assumption was that he felt regret. 

His assurance fell somewhat flat, and she watched his features carefully, somewhat guarded now that she had reason to be suspicious. Her heart beat faster, harder inside her chest. Telling her that he cared for her was probably a simple band-aid to try and stop the wound he would tear a moment later. 

I have a packmate-

Her heart dropped like a stone, and her gaze fell, immediately. A moment later, she looked up in confusion. The same, but different? She didn’t understand what that was supposed to mean. It bothered her to know he had feelings for someone else, regardless of their gender.  Apparently, he had spoken with his beau of her, which made her feel unsettled. She assured herself not to take it personally; they lived in the same pack, the other one had likely been told first just because they lived together. 

She felt deeply troubled, and couldn’t stop her lip from quivering as she tried to process everything. Such a sudden drop in expectations had completely blindsided her. 

She’d not intended to catch feelings when she went out looking for a sire for her children. They would be hers, first. And then they would also belong to Sapphique. She hadn’t been prepared to fall so head over heels…

She turned away for a moment, and shook her head. Unwillingly, she heaved a sigh, though her breath shook. ”I…I do n-not kn-now. ‘Ow to f-f…feel ab…ab…hout…nnn…nnn. Dis.” Her melody was disjunct, and broken with hesitation. She felt a pang of anxiety hit her when she spoke. She couldn’t manage her stutter so well when she was this overwhelmed. She sat down, in an attempt to shake some of her light-headed feelings. 

”Ch-ch….chui….Sorry,” She managed to blurt. Part of her wanted to rush off, but her paws felt as though they weighed a tonne. ”Wh-wh….You w-w…..Infidèle, to ‘im, wid me.” Perhaps she should have asked, but perhaps he also should have told her. She wasn’t sure who was supposed to be responsible for those sorts of things.

He was right to tell her. He could see the problem as it settled in her expression, and as he sensed her unease, his expression changed to match. Ashlar's eyes filled with concern but he stayed where he was. She didn't know how to feel about this and he could not force her to accept it. He could only try to explain it as best he could.

I don't know. He couldn't understand what she was asking, but he knew how hard it was to put words together when his brain could not keep the pace. That was why he was being careful, speaking slowly, and trying not to let his fear take over. Losing her friendship and company would be an immeasurable blow.

He looked down, feeling his shame creep forth. Perhaps then he was selfish, thinking that he could love two. It was easily done, and he felt no less for her now than she had before, but something in others recognized an error in this. Whatever she saw, whatever Ratio saw... it was real. He just did not see it as well. I'm sorry. It... I don't... um. This doesn't change anything. For me. I don't want this to make anything different. But it's okay if it has to. His ears fell back as his voice trailed to nothing, but he would accept whatever she said.

Just as with Ratio, he could not cut one out of his life for the sake of the other. He'd have walked away if Ratio had closed that door, and if she closed it here, he'd have to do the same. It didn't matter how much it hurt him to do so; he could not lie to either of them about the feelings he felt any more than he could change them.

She couldn’t help but feel betrayed, somehow. As though he should not have allowed her to think that he was available- in her definition, anyway. Maybe if she’d chosen a stranger, she might not have ended up with such complicated feelings, especially now that there was a chance children might be involved. 

Her brow smoothed, but she could not soften the glisten of hurt in her eyes. She cared enough about him to want to forgive him- but it didn’t seem as though he’d come to be honest and offer an apology. He’d simply come to let her know the truth- and tell her that for him, nothing had changed. She struggled with that. 

”An’ your other lover,” Her voice was low, but steeled now by something other than hurt. ”’E knows, dat you were wid another. 
Does he care? Does it bother ‘im? 
Does he know you might be a fadder, eh?” She asked. She knew shouldn’t be angry. She had gone looking for someone for a purpose, but her foolish heart had gone too far, it seemed, and now felt stranded out at sea.

That you might be a father. That line shook him. Somehow, in the midst of everything, he hadn't even considered the outcome of their tryst. Ashlar's surprise showed clearly, but he shrank before her anger too. He hated that this conversation hurt her and was not sure how to fix this. Honesty was the only tool he had left.

I couldn't stay, if he didn't. I would let him go if he needed to. I wouldn't lie. He didn't know the source of her tone, and there was no way to pick up the song to respond. I don't know if it does. But he said he would try. His shoulders sank. He hadn't been sure what to hope for, beginning this conversation, but it was likely now he would not see her home with her. And if he was a father.... he couldn't even begin to imagine it.

Maybe their meeting had been a mistake, and if so, it was his fault. He couldn't have predicted falling for both but still - he should have known better than to think he would give her what she needed. As with Avicus, he should have stepped aside. He should have let the silent man win.

I'm sorry. He repeated it, almost without thinking, and dropped even more in posture - submitting to the way she stood and the edge in her words.

She watched him shrink, and noted that perhaps conflict was not something he was comfortable with. It was better for him to seem meek, rather than apathetic, though- he did truly seem to feel bad about how his statements made her feel. 

He claimed to have feelings for this other wolf, and yet he seemed willing to sacrifice what they had, should the division of his attention not be acceptable. He was also willing to yield his home to the other, if he had caused discomfort. Why, then, did she still feel like she was getting the short end of whatever bargain he was offering? 

The truth likely began somewhere with the fact that he lived with this other man. They lived in the same pack, shared the same resources, had politics they followed together. She, however, was miles away- and while he seemed to want to carry on with her as well, it felt unjust that she should be the one visited, or the visitor- and not the cohabitant. Leaving Sapphique was out of the question. 

His apology made her breath fall still. 

”You want de bot’ of us, but it would not be fair.
Your life, your love- you could not evenly share.
Wid him, you ‘ave a home an’ a lover too. 
I am miles away…De sea is not home to you. 

Even if I am…I ‘ave…Not enough. Not apart.” She trailed off. ”Chéri, I cannot share your heart.”

Her words were an answer, even if not the one he wanted. Still - she was wrong. It probably would not change this and he would accept her needs, as much as it hurt. He just needed her to know the truth of why things were the way they were.

He isn't why I stay. I made a promise. My friend leads the Rise, and she needs me. Avicus had stood by him and he was, at least in part, the reason why she had left her home. He had promised to see her through this move and he knew that leaving now would break this. Without him, she had her soldiers, and perhaps that might be enough. He just worried.

And if he was a father? He didn't know. Maybe he would need to ask.

I can go back. He didn't need to stay if she wanted him to leave. He wanted to see her home more than anything, but she likely would not wish to share it with someone who could not put her first. The truth was, he couldn't. Avicus was first because his promise, to her, had come before any of it. The root of his loyalty lived there.

While his other lover might not have been his anchor, Ashlar’s dedication to his pack was definitely to his benefit. Perhaps, then, she could forgive him a bit if she simply accepted that he could not be with her because he had a duty to his leader. Whatever his relationship was to her, Chacal couldn’t bear to know.

She stepped back when he offered to leave. She had to stay strong, at least while in sight. But she’d begun to reckon with the heavy disappointment that her fantasy of having both happy children and a happy partner would not be so easily obtained. The pain was almost crippling, yet she stood back as a strong, steeled statue despite all the cracks that were forming inside of her.

”Go on, den.” She said softly, watching him with a critical gaze to see if he would simply do as he had offered- or if he struggled at all with the concept that he might not see her again if he did.

It was one of Ashlar's bigger flaws that he assumed the world was as honest with their feelings as he. When Chacal told him to go, he assumed this was what she wanted. His face fell, but he nodded, turning to leave with his tail slung motionless. He had said what he needed to and she had made her choice. There was nothing else he could do short of promising to join her, but this wasn't something he could give her right now.

Still...

If you need anything, just... know I'm there. And if... if there's.... he trailed off quietly, trying to find the words. If I'm a father. That's important too. If it's important to you. It would change things, he thought. He couldn't change what they had done but he could speak with Avicus about it. And he thought, maybe, there was still a way to give her what she needed.... and yet still be there for a family that was his own.

But if she chose to not include him, he would live with this.

Disheartened, he began his route back to the Rise.

He had little pride about leaving, which at least settled her annoyance slightly. But it bothered her still to see that he wouldn’t try to reason with her. He seemed to have no fight at all in him, though perhaps he was simply a wolf who at all costs would rather submit than voice an argument. 

She stiffened when he spoke, but chose not to respond. She wanted to know what was important to him- but she got the feeling that he might be the sort of wolf who put the needs and wants of others far above his own. He seemed to hint that the children might only matter to him if it mattered to her- and that wasn’t enough. She wanted him to want more, without wanting more from someone else as well. 

She didn’t linger long. As soon as she could will herself to move, she turned her back on him, driven by one breath which she held as long as she could. When she opened her mouth, agony spilled out, and trickled through every inch of her body until the sound of the crashing waves was loud enough to drown it out.