Redhawk Caldera greyscale

for @Bridget! other tags for ref <3

teya was among the foothills on the northern side of the caldera. it was twilight. she had left @Sorana in the care of @Reyes, stealing out under the guise of hunting for a few hours.
she was rusty and landed nothing. unsuccessful but undeterred, the raven widened her stride until she was running among the pine trees, and there she ended her trajectory beneath deepening dark, standing in the short soft grass and looking skyward for the sparkling of new stars.
it was the first time she had felt truly herself since sorana's birth, and this realization was accompanied by a smattering of guilt.

She hadn't made it any kind of a deal, but Bridget had lessened her visits a bit after the situation with Caracal. She didn't resent Reyes for it or blame him for her need to do so. She was the one who was out of step (both literally and figuratively).

She still needed to go track down Caracal and that bothered her more, of late, because she'd never had to think twice before hitting the road. Now Bridget had to consider how long the travel was, what she would do for food until she learned to get her shit together hunting-wise, and if the former was going to make the latter a problem.

It was getting dark by the time Bridget left the river with a successful catch and scarfed down dinner. Of course, her mind strayed to her friend, and she wondered if Teya had had many opportunities to visit the river herself. She hoped so. At least it was clear now that Reyes was all in for being a dad.

And she should really find other things to focus on, shouldn't she? Bridget let out a breath and smiled, one ear twitching as it caught the sleepy call of a late bird.

She didn't realize who Teya was at first, standing out in the open grass. Bridget hadn't expected to catch her alone and was tempted, nearly, to leave her to it. Peace and quiet was probably hard to come by. She lingered a moment, though, caught watching her. It was just really good to see her without the weight bearing her down.

she was thinking of ibis. she was thinking of the stars, and how bridget had first watched them with her. did ibis walk among them now? did wraen? did tambourine? all questions without answers. like the answer to the question of she and reyes. but it really wasn't a question, was it? they would stay as they were. they would raise sorana. he loved her and the girl loved him. 
teya did not think about what was between she and reyes. not now. there were eyes watching and when she searched for them, she found that they belonged to bridget.
as if she knew. as if she had been summoned.
the raven tipped her head to one side, slowly inviting the cardinal closer. she herself sat down where she was, and this time she turned back to the stars, hoping and hating that the reverent silence might stay.

Bridget rarely stopped to look at the sky the way Teya was now but the invitation was all she needed to change her mind. She approached in closer and went to sit, but instead of stopping there, she slid into a lying position and rolled onto her back, then glanced over to grin warmly at her friend. It was easier to see like this and her neck could use the stretch after a long time spent fishing.

There were a number of things she wanted to say, and habit pushed her to drive the conversation. Instead Bridget let the impulse fade and simply looked up, relaxed, paws crooked and resting on her chest.

Anything she would have said the Raven already knew. She didn't need to have a more complicated reason for being here. Just having the company was enough.

bridget lay down. teya followed suit. the two reclined shoulder to shoulder, their eyes upon the stars. it occurred to the raven that one day, and perhaps sooner than she thought, sorana might be able to come with her on these sightings. 
maybe even with bridget. 
the selfish snatches of a vision — you, me, baby makes three — flickered. they didn't fade. she felt horrid. she felt emboldened.
orion glowed overhead. 
"did you watch stars, when you at blackwater?"

For a while Bridget thought about nothing. Teya's question was unexpected. She'd spoken so little of Blackwater that she'd forgotten Marina came to make an alliance. Of course they knew where she was. I didn't. She'd spent most of her time there inside.

I worked a lot as a medic. They had a few patients who were in pretty rough shape. It took a lot of time. They'd been in even worse shape than she was at the time and knowing that had helped immeasurably. It was hard for her to imagine how much worse things would have been if she'd felt useless instead.

She never found out what happened to any of them in the end. Harka had woken up and then disappeared without a trace, just like his mate before him. The others had vanished as well, but she only minded because it left her wondering if what she'd done had been enough.

Pretty easy to forget they are there sometimes. She didn't want to go too deep into it, but she was a little thoughtful. Maybe she'd have been a little better off if she had paused, just for a bit, to appreciate the sky.

something was sparkling inside teya, something characteristic of how it might feel to walk outside during the very first snow of the season. and she was struggling with it, because the sensation was a betrayal. not only to reyes, but to herself, to her vision of how things had panned out, and how they might have.
was it regret?
her mind clicked now to ibis, to the woman dancing under the moonsilver, to how she had looked in death. bridget had been the one to bring her home. had she known? had she known about —
her heart thudded wildly. teya forced herself to focus on what bridget was saying, but found her attention captured by the other's voice, and how much she had missed it.
her thoughts went to reyes now, softening with rosegold love around how adoring he was toward sorana, and how genuine he had always been with her despite all that had gone on. she knew he did not only love their daughter: he felt for her too.
teya realized with a start that she loved both of them, these two.
"you never stop being medic, no matter where you are. always healing." her own tones broke a little.

She didn't really know how to decipher the feeling in Teya's response. It led her to glance over at the other woman, softly concerned. I help when I can. It's a part of what I do, but it's more than that too. She couldn't pass by without doing something if she wanted to, medic or no.

She just wished she could do more here. The boundaries she drew were necessary, a way to be here without introducing complexity she had no right to deliver. But it made the space between them feel both nonexistent and, paradoxically, wider than it had ever been before. Bridget had never enjoyed hiding.

Maybe there was one thing that was worth saying. I'm sorry that I wasn't here. It didn't need to be specific, what she was referring to. Really it was the entire thing. Her eyes stayed fixed on Teya a moment longer before she turned back to the sky.

It'll get easier. Maybe it's better this is how things went. I never could have given her what she has now. Even if it wasn't what she'd wanted initially, as things got better, Bridget couldn't help thinking that a family suited her. Teya deserved to have the love that, from what little the medic knew, had been denied her in her life before.

teya shook her head swiftly, sharply. "no. do — you not apologize. please." the last word was a little breathless. but now she found the courage to turn her head against the grass, feeling the cool of it under her cheek as her body shifted to follow.
the raven lay on her side facing bridget. the moon felt like it was filling the hollow of her hips with silver. "i know something now i not know before," and her voice was hoarse. the effort was monumental.
it exceeded its bounds and ran out, gilgamesh and floodwater —
"i love you both."
ibis, ibis, dancing in snow. her heart pounded. her pulse throbbed. the aura of a migraine threatened.
teya was silent, staring into the other's face.

Bridget was caught completely off guard by the admission. She recovered but it was uncharacteristically hard for her to find a natural follow. The initial response was easy, but what came after was far from it. She'd been so sure she missed her chance, that she was too late. If she was being honest with herself, though - even Teya's words, impossible to mistake as they were, did little to convince her otherwise.

I love you too. Easy. But I think... there's some things that I can't share. Regret welled up in her throat but she tried to swallow it back, shoving it beneath the real need to be honest. She couldn't let this become complicated. Bridget cared too much about preserving what they had to allow either of them to lead this on under false pretenses.

When we came back, I could tell that it wasn't me you hoped to see. I understand, things are different now, and I'd never be upset about that. It's hard, but I'm a big girl. Bridget smiled, but it was a bit more withheld than usual. She couldn't muster it in full.

You'll always have me, no matter what. But I can't be a second choice, and I don't think Reyes can either.

She wished a lot of things that couldn't be. It was a line that was as necessary for her as it was painful to lay forth and she ached, waiting for the confirmation. Knowing what Teya would choose, leading her that way on purpose, and yet horribly aware of how the words would crush her anyway.

teya hadn't know what to expect when she put her words out into the world. and so she had expected nothing. bridget was stark and honest and emotional. pain clenched in her voice and it was echoed in the raven's heart. the cardinal could not share and teya would never ask it of her.
it would have been better if she had said nothing, but she was so very tired of carrying things around. now was a selfish moment to put them down, but now was going to have to do as the time in which the raven focused on herself for a moment.
i love you too
she stared at the stars. they glowed and flickered, clusters of them punctuated by bits of cloud. bridget was not a second choice. but she saw how loving them together meant neither of them were first.
teya swallowed. her throat hurt. her head hurt.
"sorana cannot have world upset more."
and that was who she chose, evading the fact that she would stay with reyes for that reason. she loved him. but her love for their daughter was greater now.

She had been right to think that it would hurt. She felt the crumple in her chest as Teya confirmed it, but Bridget was sure that she'd done the right thing. She wouldn't destroy a family to suit her own feelings.

She couldn't speak for a moment, though, and just nodded. Turning to the sky, she closed her eyes and took a minute to collect herself, letting the cracked disappointment settle in completely. Maybe she'd always known, in some way, that Teya was bound to break her heart. Her affections had always seemed to catch fast - with Sundance, with Ibis, with Reyes - and Bridget refused to compete. She knew in her heart what that would turn her into. It would ruin them.

She needed to say something. The words were ashes in her mouth.

I understand. She would stop feeling this way eventually and, in time, they'd get past this. She had to stop feeling this way eventually. She couldn't imagine a life where she had to deal with this regret, this longing, every time. But she would live with it as long as she needed to because as much as it hurt, the alternative was unthinkable.

I'm glad we talked about this. I like knowing, even if it's not... She trailed off. What I want. She still wasn't sure what Teya wanted. Thanks. She kept herself so closed. Every glimpse that Bridget got was carefully given, a gift that she shouldn't take for granted.

it's not —
teya wished bridget would finish her sentence and equally did not want to hear it. she did not want to be reminded that there had been a chance for another life, and one she hadn't seized. hearing that the red-masque wanted her too was horrendous and a relief at the same time.
she would say nothing about this. and especially not to reyes. perhaps teya should have seen it as a somber knelling for their relationship that she now had something to keep from him.
she turned her eyes back to the stars.
"i glad too." teya wanted to pull away before bridget did. she kept herself rooted, grounded.

Friend. Auntie. Sister. From that moment she would be nothing more.

The silence hung over them, speckled with the stars above. It leaned heavily on her chest, at odds with the loud crescendo of her thoughts. I glad too.

She needed to be someone that Teya could speak with, someone who could listen and understand and not bitterly resent the way things turned out. Bridget wanted to be there for her, for Sorana, for Brecheliant. She needed to speak to Reyes.

I don't know Reyes very well. But I'm going to try and fix that. She said finally, feeling that she needed to in order to lock herself into doing so. She would have to apologize, she knew - and the flare of indignation reared at the very thought of it. He should have respected what we had. But he was Sorana's father and Teya's mate. You need to respect that too.

teya shook her head. "i not telling reyes about — i not telling him." her voice ached. she wanted to take it back. but telling him might raise his suspicions that teya was going to run off with bridget and sorana, and make him react accordingly. 
it had never occurred to the raven to take their daughter from her father. even if her beloved mate was becoming impossible, his love and adoration stood clear.
but she was unsure of how to tell him that, how to convince him if he got a notion into his head. "sorana will ... she enjoy all three of us around. i understand if — maybe one day you not think you can be so close."
her jawline tightened. she hoped bridget would not rush to assure her or make promises. teya did not think she was prepared to hear them.
her body wanted to curl close and seek the other for comfort. but she remained as she was, still and cold beneath the heatless starlight.

Teya was quick to correct her but it took Bridget a moment because what she said wasn't at all what the medic had meant. The second part she'd already kind of responded to - and she meant what she said. Teya would always have her no matter what, at least in some capacity. Boundaries might change, things might move, but she'd never abandon a friend without a damn good reason.

What I meant was, I guess, he doesn't know me. And after last time, I think that might need to change for me to really be around much. I don't want to start anything again. She picked the words more carefully than she wanted to. She had no intentions of letting on, in any way, the feelings she had or that they were, at least in part, returned. She just wanted to visit Sorana without worrying about Reyes' reaction to it.

He clearly had zero respect for Teya's friendships. So she'd have to drill it into his thick head herself that she only had the best of intentions.

teya felt embarrassed to have reacted completely in a different way than bridget was intending. her — friend? — clarified and somehow it made the raven feel emptier than before.
it should have been bridget, that first year.
it had become ibis and kynareth and a brief flash of sundance, it had been restlessness and desire and the intangible ways that heat puddled one's sense to nothing.
she had seen pain in reyes and felt her own respond.
and then she had been pregnant, something which had never once been a desire of her own. 
maybe he shouldn't have come back. her throat ached with the force of keeping the sob at bay.
"understood," she said hoarsely, and then she rolled away and up. "i should get back. uh ... sometimes sorana wakes in night." not a lie or anything out of the ordinary but she felt the weight of wanting to couch her departure in something other than ... them.

She knew an excuse when she heard one. Bridget took note of the roughness in her tone and glanced her way with concern, but only for a moment, before it softened and she nodded. She didn't understand why her comment had caused Teya to need to go but she wouldn't argue. She'd been wondering, only moments before, if she had perhaps hit her limit here with the feelings that came forth.

She rolled to the side as well and shifted, but stayed lying where she was and didn't rise to leave just yet. Goodnight.

When she left Bridget would rest her head down and stare into the darkness, thoughts racing. She was glad that finally they knew where they stood. And she was also glad that she had finally told Teya (and admitted to herself) what was probably true all along. There were no secrets left and now all she needed to do was move forward.

But a small seed of doubt still curled within her, keeping her awake long after she should have returned to her den.