Redhawk Caldera Doubt is a broken record that plays inside my head

vague, set before chickadee situation but after Reyes. I can RO this <3 easily. Just want to get her headspace caught up

Bridget was deeply worried about @Sorana. If it was her choice, she wouldn’t be alone for this, but she’d tried to offer only to be turned away. This wasn’t something she could force; if Sorana wanted to speak with her, or lean on her, she would do it. Bridget slept on the shore near the island after that, far enough to give her the solitude she’d clearly sought, near enough to be a call away.

She would understand it, if Sorana blamed her for a while. Bridget knew that it wasn’t her fault, and that she had done all that she could, but death was a hard thing to accept. Reyes had returned and, unintentionally, destroyed the one thing he treasured most.

She kept an eye out for @Teya too, welcoming a conversation but knowing Bronco would be there for her to talk to. She hoped that her friend didn’t freeze the man out of her feelings in the fear of bringing up her ex. Teya had a bad habit of withholding… but Bronco would understand. If he didn’t then he didn’t deserve her.

The entire pack seemed like it was splitting at the seams. With children still missing and everyone else’s lives spiraling into chaos, she knew the best thing she could do was provide a steady presence and help wherever possible.

Silently, Bridget stood in the burbling stream, watching and waiting for the chance to add a catch to her small (but growing) pile.

Without really realizing it, she’d shifted to crisis mode, the professional mask and the calm that came with it now her default setting. All that mattered was getting through this and seeing those she loved undamaged on the other side.

"she sleep, all time. she never come out of den, or i do not see her do it. she not talk to me!" teya was beside herself, having caught a glimpse of sorana's disheveled state. "i! i need to take her away from here, bridget. but —" but all of this. but the caldera. but brecheliant itself.
she had found bridget after trying unsuccessfully once more to coax sorana out of the den. she swam. she fished. she waited helplessly. and now she was crying, god, was she always going to fucking cry like this?
"fuck reyes for dying like that," she said, not a joke though she wished it could be.

Bridget was surprised out of her reverie as Teya approached, and she lifted her head and listened, gaze soft with understanding concern.

I don’t think losing more of her family is what she needs, Bridget replied quietly, moving towards shore and abandoning her fishing. The ones she had already caught could wait. or what you need.

She could be wrong. Once she’d stepped up to Teya’s level she stopped, wanting to move in for an embrace but waiting a moment to see how her statement would be received.

For Reyes she had no response. She knew why Teya felt it - Bridget felt it too. It didn’t need to be rational to be true.

teya stiffened but let her breath out. "you right. i just — i just keep thinking that she need to get away. from here. from — with me, but from —" but the gist of what she was attempting to say found itself lost and escaping.
the pregnant raven sat in silence until bridget approached, and then her eyes flicked to bridget's own with relief and affectionate gratitude. she took what the cardinal offered, arms tightening momentarily around the medic.
heart gave a gracious gallop; eventually teya drew away, experiencing a small calm. "i try to do everything for sorana because i not do enough," she said, eyes finding the earth.

Bridget understood immediately. She thought that she maybe knew better, but she understood. As soon as Teya came she wrapped her up in a hug too, holding tightly in return and resting there a moment without responding.

Eventually Teya drew away and she breathed out, glad her advice hadn’t been taken as an insult or an overstep.

Just being her mom is always going to be enough. Bridget replied, without a single trace of doubt. She worried about the girl endlessly, but it seemed she worried about Teya too. Her friend was so unnecessarily hard on herself. Your most important job is loving her. And you do that amazingly. Not even you could have protected her from this. Bridget hadn’t exactly been shy about voicing her opinions in the past when she’d differed in opinion on Reyes, and perhaps she would have argued against turning him away if she’d been here. But that wouldn’t have prevented his death; no matter what any of them did, Sorana would have lost a father.

But she needs to grieve him, and she needs to know that that’s okay to do. I love you, Teya, but sometimes hiding from the things that are hard just makes them worse. It was a gentle admonishment, but one that echoed a sentiment she’d been trying to get across for what felt like months. Probably she’d gotten tired of hearing it.

Let her be sad. Don’t blame yourself. She just loved him. Bridget knew she didn’t need to tell Teya to be there for her; they’d both been trying, in their own ways. Blaming herself for things she couldn’t control was stress she didn’t need right now, and her worries would be much better pointed at things she could do… like resting, mourning her ex-mate as well, and showing her daughter she wasn’t crazy for missing the wolf who’d fathered her.

the callout was swift and necessary. instead of crumbling like she thought she might, teya swallowed and nodded, once. she couldn't have protected sorana from this. and her daughter did need to grieve.
"there a lot i could have done. or not done," teya said faintly all the same, and then shut her mouth, shook her head. "thank you, bridget." and for what, for once, she couldn't articulate.
the idea of letting sorana be sad tormented her. the idea she could not save her baby from more pain stung her eyes again.
the idea that she had begun that agony sent her grief upward once more. "just been through too much," she mumbled, meaning sorana, though perhaps in a way she also meant herself.

She was glad it was taken well, though it hurt to see Teya like this just as much as it hurt to see Sorana isolating. It had been a long time since Bridget had felt she had the power to bring any measure of true happiness into her friend’s life, but she didn’t intend to ever stop trying.

It’s okay for you to grieve too. She added quietly. You loved him. Sometimes that’s all that matters. She might hate him for some things, especially for the way it all ended, but that didn’t change how it started. It didn’t mean she couldn’t feel anything now that he was gone.

She’d be a shoulder to cry on, or someone to cry into, if that was something Teya wanted. It was about all the advice she had to give right now - she was extremely familiar with death, but not necessarily the death of those she loved.

teya wanted to argue with that, but she knew it was not worthwhile or productive. and so she nodded, stiffly perhaps but in agreement. she could do that later, however; the raven cleared her throat and looked hard at bridget now. 
"you taking care of everyone else," teya ventured. "but how are you?"  reyes and bridget hadn't been close, as far as she knew. but the cardinal loved sorana, and so there had to be some kind of emotion there.
teya wasn't sure if bridget would share, but she wanted to know.

She didn’t miss the way that Teya shut her out, and it didn’t matter how used to it she grew; it would always sting. She spared a thought to wonder if it would be different, if they were just the friends they had resolved to be.

Didn’t really matter, though, because that was another thing she couldn’t take back.

I’m not even slightly worried about myself. And I’m not just saying that. Bridget looked back at Teya, her lavender eyes connecting with matching directness to the other woman’s teal. I’m worried about Sorana and I’m worried about you. If either of you needs me, I’m here. I don’t care when, or how, or why. We’re family.

Maybe Teya didn’t feel the same way anymore, but she didn’t care much about that either. The fact would never change for her. She could turn to others, push her out, close the doors all she wanted. Eventually she’d need to come out, and when that day came, Bridget would still be sitting there waiting on the other side.

whether or not she could say it, teya felt wrong involving bridget anymore, and that included with her own pregnancy. the words shared reverberated in her mind.
bridget returned to reyes. teya let out a harsh breath. "i loved reyes. i not expect to keep loving him. never wanted him back but — wanted him around for sorana. she needed him."
she needed her mother, too, but teya was fairly certain that their relationship was irreparably damaged. she let out her breath and glanced down. "sometimes i think i should have left her with him."

Teya said more but there was still no openness there. It was more of the same; deflection from her feelings onto the things that were just true. Maybe she truly felt nothing for herself.

But the last statement was hard to respond to, and it wiped any words from her mind. For the first time that she could remember she was momentarily speechless.

She was frustrated. Maybe even a little angry, the more she thought about it. And at this point, fuck it. Teya and she barely spoke anymore. What the hell did she even have to lose?

As if that would have made anything better. Bridget breathed out, then shook her head, trying to keep her voice level despite the tight coil of frustration suddenly present. Trying to avoid things and hide the truth have only made things worse. You could have faced this from the start but you didn’t. I told you lying to her wasn’t right. I told you the ones who care about you would always rather know the truth. If you’re ready to listen to my advice for once, then be honest with her. Tell her when and why it went wrong so she stops wondering if it’s her fault.

That was all she had. If she kept prying she was just bound to break things worse and at this point there wasn’t much left to even break. It didn’t matter how often she reached out if Teya wouldn’t take the friendship she offered. With a last look she turned to go, her smile gone and replaced with hurt resignation. What she chose to do with all of that was up to her; Bridget could only help as much as Teya allowed her.

again, each word bridget spoke reminded teya of all the things she had ever felt.
and why it was not.
bridget reminded her also that she had failed sorana. and teya was left bereft again, but this time she did not watch the cardinal walk away. 
she turned with a harsh breath and headed away; vowing this time she would not try to open again. those dark thoughts were not to be uttered again, were not to be unloaded again.

It wasn’t well handled or careful but it was honest, and honesty was all Bridget had left. It hurt more when Teya just let her go, but it also made this decision feel more right. No more pushing herself into the spaces where she would never be welcome. No more throwing herself against walls that would never be open to her.

As Teya closed to her, unknowing, Bridget resolved to do the same. She would keep what remained of their friendship, but she would no longer ask the things she did or try and share the things she had.

She would find other places for that. With a heaviness in her she hadn’t felt in a while, Bridget made her way towards the southern reaches of the Caldera. She needed some time to process this new shape of things to come.