Redhawk Caldera Take your fears and let them go

at your convenience <3 ofc

It had been nice, being away from the Caldera for a while and not actively searching, or hunting, or a variety of other things. She'd spent a good portion of it thinking, and the conclusion she drew was that she needed to talk to @Teya one more time before she let everything rest.

She didn't like the way they'd left things, and even though her intentions had been good, she shouldn't have let it drop like that. She'd given the advice she needed to give but she hadn't supported Teya the way she needed to be supported right now. Bridget had laid down the pressure and then let the silence hang instead.

Her apology was a batch of flowers she'd found on her way home. They were a beautiful shade of medium blue and erupted in a spray from the central bush. She'd dug the entire thing up with the intention of planting it near the entrance to Teya's den. Now was the time! Mother and daughter both seemed to be out.

She was better at harvesting flowers than she was planting them, but with any luck, they'd live long enough to provide a bit of mid-fall color. Bridget shook dirt from her claws when she had finished, then stepped back to admire her handiwork. It was.... a little off-kilter, but the color was gorgeous. Hopefully she and Sorana would like them.

<3

the stormier, wilder weather had been invigorating in a way she had not known was possible. it seemed like her chest was easier now, less tense; she slept better, and memories were not so harsh. 
she did think of bridget but it was with some wariness. she did not fear the woman; in fact she wanted very much for them to resume their friendship, but she knew she had hurt the cardinal more than once.
the words had been necessary. yet teya was not sure if she could take more of them, especially in the wake of bronco all but echoing what bridget had said.
when she came back to the lake island, it was to find bridget there, messing with pretty flowers. the raven herself reeked of fish and fish scales; she splashed into the water to wash off. "sorana will like those, when she come back here."

Always fishing! Careful, I think you might be adapting to the river. Bridget replied with a laugh, catching sight of the scales that glimmered in her friend's fur. She glanced at the flowers, glad that Teya thought Sorana would like them. They'd been a bit of a shot in the dark but they weren't the part of the gesture that mattered.

Thanks. They're actually a bit of an apology. I'm sorry about last time. Not for everything, but for how I left it off. I should have been a friend and made sure you were okay.

She left room for Teya to respond to that if she wanted. Bridget would prefer if she didn't validate it. It sometimes felt to her that Teya had a habit of downsizing her own feelings. If that was true then it was a habit Bridget would love to break, especially when it came to their own conversations.

sorrrrry u wanna keep going or fade? <3

a friend
made sure you were okay — she drew her breath in sharply. "me too. i should have done things too, bridget."
friends? is that what they were? is that what they were supposed to be? she glanced at the cardinal with whom she'd spent her first heat and tried to ignore the seeping around the throat of her emotions. "we friends." her eyes were resolute.
she wanted bridget there and not just for sorana.
but teya did not think she could ever ask for more, not knowing how she'd hurt the other woman. "i sorry. and ready to just — be friends now."

im fine either way!

It wasn't what Bridget wanted to hear, necessarily, but it was what she thought they both needed. Maybe it was dishonest to say what she did next but it felt true. Bridget didn't want to be second, and the specter of Reyes hung over them both. If Teya had pressed, perhaps... but she wouldn't be the one. Not until it felt right. It might be that time would never come. She did tend to have shit timing.

If we ever need anything more, we'll ask.

She smiled, then shook her head. I know we've talked about a lot of things. But I don't want you to feel like you can't tell me anything, or come to me with stuff. Like, Reyes, or... anything else. I'm always going to want to know about the things that are important to you. Regardless of how I feel. It hung on the end, unspoken. She'd tiptoed around Reyes while he was here because she felt herself compromised but she felt, now, it had been a mistake. There was no reason for it now.

teya wanted to immediately shut bridget down and out. she didn't want to talk about reyes. she hardly wanted to talk at all about any of that. 
"he gone. sorana older. if reyes come — if he come back, they decide their relationship. not me."
she fiddled at the ground, clawed at a tangle of grass. she could not look at bridget. "bronco want to court me."
a swallow, an almost-defiant lift of her head. "i say yes."
friends.
you sure?
how bridget reacted now would say everything.

It couldn't be as easy as that. Teya had loved him and been willing to spend a year at his side for the sake of her daughter. Bridget couldn't know what was in her friend's mind but she understood something of love. When Reyes returned (and he would, she was sure, if he was able to) things could be complicated again. The only way to untangle those knots was through time or through conversation. It was pretty clear that Teya didn't feel the need for the latter, though, and Bridget wasn't willing to press. She hoped that she was wrong.

Then her thoughts were sent in a million different directions. I said yes.

Bridget could own up to the immediate jealousy that rose in her hearing that, and the gut-wrenching feeling of loss that despite a promise of a year, Teya was apparently ready to move on. Just... not with her. Maybe a year had been an excuse all along. The thought was petty, and with a swift mental kick she dismissed it. This confirmed something else she'd wondered instead.

Teya didn't ask for what she wanted, if Bridget was that thing. She took what she was given and, at the end of the day, that wasn't something Bridget could live with. She wouldn't risk being something another would simply settle for.

Oh. She debated, thought about how to respond, and considered simply congratulating her. She changed her mind when she realized how tired she was of leaving so many things between them unsaid. I don't know him all that well, but from what I've seen, he seems nice. If you think there's something there then I'm happy for you.

My feelings haven't changed. I thought you needed time to figure things out, but I meant it when I said I loved you. I want what you do with that to be your choice, though. She smiled and shrugged, as much to diffuse her own tension as to hopefully put Teya more at ease. If this thing with Bronco is what you want, then you should try it. I won't promise to wait, seeing as I am a hell of a catch, but... I want you to be sure. Either way. Her gaze, as it caught her friend's, was sincere in that moment. She thought she'd made it clear, before, what she wanted - but now she wondered if something had been missed. Was Bronco just an excuse to not have to be alone? Or did Teya truly feel something between them, something more than what Bridget thought she'd sensed in the meadow? Laying out the cards was worth it if it helped her to know.

ooof i am so sorry

there were several emotions that rose in her heart when bridget spoke. first was surprise. second was anger; it transpired in the line of her jaw and sat there a moment. "i tell you i love you," teya whispered in a voice that softly cracked. "you say you not want to be second. so i not make you that." 
was bridget upset? after that? what about all the weeks reyes had been gone, and teya had burned with loneliness, and the cardinal had not come along? what about the rejection of that moment, which the violet had eaten until this one?
her tail flicked. the coolwater eyes burnt with frustration and hurt. "i never ask you again, bridget, out of respect." and maybe it had been misguided, and maybe it had been disjointed. but it had been honest. why did the red-masque not see it? and how dare she ask after love when she had thrown teya's away! that was how it felt. 
"i know i hurt you, saying that." the raven studied the face of her companion. "i never wanted you to be second choice. so i — went other places for what i need." reno. sayf. zeal. "i respect you, bridget. you not say again you love me. you not say you waiting."
was that it? had bridget waited for her to choose? this assumption angered teya, even though she did not know if she was correct. "men easier." she bit her lip and shrugged, the very picture of a prickly, offended, desperate bisexual. "i too afraid of hurting you again."

<3

Seems they'd misunderstood each other again. Bridget caught the anger and instead of igniting her own, it just made the sadness deeper. She wouldn't blame Teya but would not accept the blame onto herself as well - she had nothing to be ashamed of, in seeking to give Teya space. Her friend had been mated and Bridget had been here, all along, with no certainty delivered on where they stood. Love didn't equal partnership.

I meant that I didn't want to be an affair. It was blunt, and her ears tilted slightly though her voice remained soft. And now I guess it means I don't want to be a fallback. You said you were giving Reyes another year. I had no right to push myself over that.

It was telling, maybe, that neither of them had been willing to make that final step. Bridget because she was unwilling to risk the friendship they shared, Teya because - she couldn't know. She never would.

That isn't the way this works. You don't get to choose to stop hurting me. She added quietly, but there was no argument behind the words. If Teya would throw them aside in this way, for something easier, then she had her answer. They would be friends and nothing more. You can pick what's easier. And I'll hurt worse, knowing that I wasn't worth the effort of a chance. But I'll get over it, not because you chose to ignore it, but because I know what I'm worth. She kept herself trained on Teya, prepared to accept the brunt of her anger if she needed to. I won't lie to you. But I won't say it again unless you ask.

That was it. She deserved better than an "I love you" from a woman who chose a mate in another and refused to chase her own happiness out of fear. She deserved better than silence and avoidance, even after all of her requests for openness, from a friend who claimed to be thinking of her.

It hurt like hell. How could it ever have done anything else?

<3

by the time that bridget finished, teya was crying silent tears of anger and hurt. the red-masque was right, of course; about all of it. about the miscommunication and the unwillingness to try, about the — about it all.
"maybe i never able to do any of that, bridget." perhaps very fundamentally she would have never been what the other wanted. and while teya wanted to be defiant, there was nothing left of that in her.
bridget hadn't gotten pregnant against her will. bridget hadn't supported an entire pregnancy alone in her relationship or listened to the father of her child tell her he didn't want to be that. 
but she had been abandoned — by teya.
i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry —
she had nothing left to offer.
"i know you not want to be affair!" her voice hitched. "or f-fallback. that why i never speak it again."
she had moved to bronco. she had never come back thinking it too cruel.
"don't say it." tears flowed down her face. her lips trembled. she fought not to sob in front of bridget.
"sorry." her voice melted to nothing. she looked away.

Bridget had known on some level, coming into this, that if Teya was going to choose her she already would have done so. She didn't understand what stood in her way, but wasn't that always how these things went? When love wasn't guaranteed to come with two way requirements, someone was bound to get hurt. It felt unfair, in a lot of ways, but Bridget knew she had a hard path ahead. Love was harder to find when she couldn't look towards men to fill that space.

I'm sorry too. She stepped forward, hoping to embrace her friend if Teya would allow it. She wasn't going to let this come between them - no matter how badly it might hurt. Eventually they'd get past it. Until then she wouldn't mention it again. She couldn't force Teya to love her and, if she felt the same way Bridget did, choosing anyone else would have been impossible. Bridget closed her eyes, fighting tears. She wouldn't cry here.

I hope he makes you happy. And I'm glad you'll have someone. I really am. The fact that she wished it was her didn't change that. As long as Teya was happy, Bridget could live with the outcome. Someday she'd find someone who would choose her - and things would work out the way they were meant to.

it felt — wrong, the words shared now.
bridget had always made her happy. why wouldn't it work? she loved sorana too. and she had always supported teya. what was the reason? what was the issue?
her. it was always her, it was — borva and tremelia and their words on so many things, their teachings, ranting in her ear.
but that felt like an excuse, a copout.
she simply wasn't brave enough to love bridget the way that bridget wanted to love her. 
the raven swallowed, nodded, pulled away. "thank you for understanding," she mumbled tonelessly, truly grateful for the other but wanting to punish herself with solace now.

Under normal circumstances, Bridget would have stayed and talked her through it. She would have made sure she was okay, talked shit about the focus of the hurt, and not given up until she'd made her friend laugh.

But she was the source of this. Just like Teya was the source of hers. The medic took a step back too and let her lilac gaze rest on Teya for a lengthened moment. I'll see you later. Take care of yourself, okay?

That response, the tone, wasn't one she liked leaving her with. But Bridget sensed she didn't have a choice, and the boundaries between them were going to be increasingly fragile things going forward. Respecting that was the only way they'd get through this.

She hurt too, but it felt less like an open wound and more like a weathered scar. This wasn't anything she hadn't learned to expect by now. With a last quiet glance, Bridget left her alone.