Moonspear Where everything's safe and it doesn't get worse

I wanted to get this up, but I’ll prob wait on it since there’s a lot going on XD so def no rush here!

Bolstered by her talk with Penn, Fennec knew what needed to happen now.  She needed to confront her brother, bully the actual truth out of him, and then, if she needed to, let him go.  She didn’t think that would be a problem, not if she actually knew the reason why.  She just wished she’d realized that when they talked before.  She was learning, but obviously wasn’t perfect.

She had no clue where he was staying or if he was even around, but she descended lower on the mountain and just let loose a powerful summons for @Figment.  He could come to her.

They needed to talk, obviously.  And she wouldn’t be letting him leave until she was satisfied with where they landed.  She was fixing this here and now.

The pack had been kind enough to allow him to stay within their borders during his visit. Fig didn’t wander far from his family since they were the whole reason he was there. He knew the time to leave was coming soon, but he couldn’t help but linger. It was just so good to be with them, and he had no one waiting for him. Besides, he knew he couldn’t leave until he saw Fenn again and, per Towhee’s instructions, they talked until all was right with the world.

Fig hadn’t expected today to be that day, but Fenn’s call came anyway. He had given @Towhee a nervous glance, but her reassuring nod gave him the strength to pull himself up and go to her.

It didn’t take Fig too long to get to her. There was something resolute in her posture as he approached that made him feel slightly uneasy. But, he reminded himself that this was his sister. Her feelings didn’t need to become his. Her happiness was not his purpose. He was his own person, and he would not let his boundaries bend or break.

”Hey,” Fig said, trying not to let the nerves show in his tone.

He came soon enough. She waited until he was close, then sat down and remained facing his direction. She’d already readied herself for this, so really, it was just down to firing it off. She didn’t really care right now about pissing him off - because by the end of it, they’d both have what they needed.

Hey. Here’s how this is going to go. You’re going to tell me the real reason you aren’t sticking around, and I’m not going to get pissed about you leaving. Not as long as the reason makes sense. That probably wasn’t specific enough, shit.

I know you don’t actually need space from mom and dad, so it’s actually just me you are talking about. And I think it’s pretty shitty, actually, making it my fault that you can’t stay. Especially since mom and dad are here. So either you’re leaving because you actually just want to, or you’re going to tell me what your problem with me is so I can tell you what I can do about it.

She waited expectantly, listening closely for any hint of a lie out of him. Penn had basically given the game away by confirming her theory, so now it was up to him to stop being a little bitch about it and spill.

Fig fancied himself a pretty level-headed guy most of the time. He was the one who stayed calm and lead with open, authentic curiosity when looking at a problem. He did not rise to the anger or extremes of others. He listened with patience and acceptance. And he kept all of it separate from himself.

Not around his family, though.

”You and I haven’t seen each other in almost a year,” Fig responded, trying to keep his quiet calm in his voice as best as he could, ”You don’t get to decide what it is and isn’t about.”

”I explained it to you before. My reason hasn’t changed,” he said firmly, unwilling to follow her down this rabbit hole, ”I have my own plans. My own goals and aspirations for my life. I need my independence to achieve them, and yes, I do need it from our whole family. Not because of anything you have done, but because of who I become when I’m around you..”

”Believe what you want, but this truly is about me and only me,” he said finally, ”You’re the only one trying to make it about you.”

She bristled a little at his comment, but listened through and kept her tone even on her response. I do get a say in what it’s about. Because I get to say what I feel too, and I told you we’d talk later. It’s later.

And I want to know what you mean, ‘when you’re around me’. Because you haven’t been around me for a year, and not being around me for longer isn’t going to help you sort it out. You can’t get better at something by not doing it, and if you’re leaving, it should be to go towards something. Not away from it. Believe me, I’d know.

If he thought he could fix anything by leaving, he was wrong. She wouldn’t accept any reason that was rooted in a problem, and if he left, he was going to have to do it without her blessing. And he was going to have to put up with her giving him shit about it every chance he got, because that’s what she’d wished she had any time she’d chosen to run away from her problems.

Fig had to work hard not to just shut down and walk away. Her attitude about this was infuriating, not to mention insulting. Why did it feel like nothing was ever good enough for her? Like she just wanted to be angry and hurt? He thought about what Towhee had said, how Fenn had been through some really tough times. But so had he, so had so many others. Not everyone turned into an angry pessimist. What was the difference here?

"Well for one, it's not very pleasant being around someone who feels like they have a right to dictate how I feel," Fig snapped, surprising even himself, "I am going towards something. I'm going towards a future where I decide, instead of one where I lose myself in doing everything I can to make sure everyone else is happy. Which you in particular don't make very easy."

Fig had to remind himself to breathe.

Then fine. If you still want to go, I told you, I won’t get mad. But I want to know what you mean when you said you don’t like being around me. Because I like being around you, and we aren’t leaving like that. She stuck to it.

They were talking this out. He had an issue with her he was still refusing to talk about, and maybe it was all him, but she could feel it between them and she wasn’t about to let it wedge it’s way further. He could leave, but she was going to make damn sure he wanted to come back and at least visit a little more often. Right now, if she let him go, it felt like it would be another year of silence. She didn’t think she could stand that.

I don’t dictate how you feel. You said it. I want to know why.

"You literally just tried to tell me that my wanting to leave has nothing to do with mom and dad and that it's all to do with you," Fig replied, baffled by her nerve, "How is that not dictating how I feel? I feel like you refuse to listen to a word I'm saying. Like you only want to hear what's going to justify your position and your feelings to the point where you twist everything that's actually said into something that fits your narrative."

"I'll be honest, Fenn," Fig said, suddenly deflating as the thought came into his mind, "You're really making me wonder why I even bother trying. If there's anything I don't like about being around you, it's what's happening right now. It's the fact that you can't just accept that I'm being honest about wanting to do this for me, you have to turn it into something negative instead of just being happy for me and wishing me luck."

"I don't deserve the way you're making me feel right now," he said finally, more to himself than to her. He had been nothing but good to her. Always understanding, always there. It had been programmed into his DNA from birth to be a good brother to her, to take care of her. To put her above himself. And it just plain sucked to feel that way about someone who could be so toxic.

Fennec breathed out and now tried to keep her own patience. He wasn’t wrong, but that wasn’t the point. She wasn’t trying to upset him, she just… she wanted the opposite. And she couldn’t figure out how the fuck to get him to see that.

Because I think it is mostly about me. And I don’t think you ever are actually honest with me about how you feel about me because you are so worried about hurting my feelings. Is it really so bad for me to want to know, so I can try to actually get better instead of constantly fucking up and making things worse? She knew she was going to misfire on this.

She didn’t know when talking to Fig had gotten to hard. He had never been like Penn, but it felt like he didn’t used to take her so seriously, and she didn’t used to feel like she had to be careful not to upset him. It had just been so long, she barely remembered.

I want you to want to come back to see me too. And I don’t want to fuck it up when you do. I want to make you happy, too, and I can’t do that unless you let me try.

She was losing her fight in this conversation though, the words getting softer. Maybe it wasn’t worth it. Maybe she was selfish for not just letting him go. Maybe it was all in her head, and he wouldn’t understand where she was coming from because where she was coming from didn’t make any fucking sense.

She hated every bit of this. She didn’t know what else to say.

Fig could tell she felt bad now, and that of course made him feel bad. He hadn't handled himself well in this conversation, and realized with sudden dismay that he'd done exactly what he knew was the number one thing not to do in these situations. He'd been approaching it defensively instead of with open, honest curiosity and a desire to understand what the other person was feeling.

He was being selfish. He wasn't listening.

"I hear you, Fenn. I understand. I do want to come back and see you, and I will," Fig said with a sigh, "And I appreciate the fact that you want to try and work on yourself for me, but I am not asking for that. I don't need that." He had to pause then to think about what else she'd said, about not trusting that he was actually honest with her. Did she have a point? Was he honest with her? And if not, then why? Was it because he was trying to protect her feelings or was he trying to protect himself? He needed more time to really reflect on it. But at first glance, he didn't think it was either.

But whatever it was... something occurred to him just as he was begrudgingly parting his lips to speak, and he took another moment to consider his next steps. He pivoted then, feeling decisive, confident, in ways he hadn't at the onset of the conversation.

"Everyone has a right to privacy when it comes to their thoughts and emotions, Fenn," Fig said calmly and steadily, "Just because my feelings might have something to do with you doesn't mean you are entitled to know them. I have shared with you what I want to share. My reasons for why I feel it's good for me to have space from you and our parents are my own. I need you to trust me when I say there is not a problem here for you to solve, and I need you to trust that I have always had nothing but positive intent in every choice I have made and every action I have taken."

"The only way you can make things worse is by not respecting that," he said with finality. He had placed his boundaries before her and was confident now in the knowledge that she could bash against it all she wanted, the wall was not going to come down. Even if it made her angry, even if it made her sad. Even if it hurt her feelings (which seemed to be what she wanted).

Fennec wanted to argue. He didn’t need it… but she did. Because if this was how things went after a year apart, she couldn’t see next time going any better. Because the longer they spent separated, the less she knew him, and next time he might come back a stranger. Because she missed her brother, and the wolf in front of her now…. She already hardly recognized.

But she was tired of fighting, and she could hear in his voice it wouldn’t do any good. He needed to do this and would do it regardless, and she could either support him or lose him entirely. She could hide the fact that it already felt like she had, for his sake, if she needed to.

Fine. Just promise me something, okay? Promise you’ll trust me too. You don’t need to protect me. You haven’t needed to, not for a long time. Her ears went back, and all of the tension left her as she let the entire thing go. I meant it, when I said I hope you find what your looking for. I wouldn’t lie about something like that. I’m just going to miss you.

She needed to let go of the closeness they’d had, the idea that it was something she needed to look to recapture. It wasn’t something Fig wanted and if she loved him, she needed to accept that. It wasn’t easy, and it wasn’t going to be, but she could at least pretend like it was in front of him. She’d always been a pretty good liar.

Something had changed when Fenn had run out on him all those months ago, not even Fig could deny it. It had created a divide between them that had never been there before. In so many ways, Fig wished that divide didn't exist. He missed the easy closeness they'd once had. Before then, he never would've dreamed of withholding anything from her.

But in so many other ways, the divide had been so good for him. He saw now how necessary it was. He and Fenn were not Phox and Towhee. Their parents may have figured out how to live their lives together without becoming toxicly codependent, but that was simply not a talent Fig possessed. He couldn't be with Fenn every day of his life and not turn her into the center of his universe. It simply wasn't in his DNA. And he knew that was not a problem Fenn had, nor was it one she would understand. It also wasn't one she could fix.

Fig took a deep breath as Fenn replied. She was visibly unhappy, but he'd known she would be. She was kind enough to leave him be, but her return request hurt his heart. "I'm biologically programmed to protect you, Fenn," Fig said with a smile, "It has nothing to do with trust. But you do have mine."


"I'm going to miss you too," he added after a few moments of hesitation. Not that he was uncertain of the feeling, but only that he'd had to fight that brief instinct to keep it from her because he'd known it might hurt her even more.

She didn’t miss the hesitation and as always, her mind read paragraphs into it. That it wasn’t sincere, than even with that he was lying for her feelings. That he wouldn’t really miss her, and that he would move on from her entirely and leave her behind. The fear was hard to control, but even as it clawed it’s way up inside her, she slammed the lid on it and let none of it show.

He didnt want it. If she took nothing from this, it was that he wanted her to lie to him and not express what she felt because those feelings, while honest, weren’t ones he wished to hear. For as much as Fennec enjoyed lying about stupid shit, she had never been one to keep her feelings shuttered when it came to the stuff that mattered. It felt wrong, when she needed the opposite from him, but at this point there was nothing else to do.

She didn’t respond to his insistence though she hated that it was the case. She’d never needed his protection. She never felt like she’d even had it. He’d never protected her in the ways that mattered, because the things that hurt most weren’t the ones he could defend her against. He couldn’t protect her from herself.

She couldn’t tell the truth and her heart wasn’t in the lies. So, for the first time in a long while, she let the silence stretch. He could decide where the conversation went next and she would play along, but right now, she wasn’t sure what ground was safe to tread. A part of her wanted to leave, but she remained where she was and waited. She wouldn’t risk making him think there was something unresolved to be addressed.

They fell silent then, and while silence between them was usually perfectly comfortable, it wasn't so much in this situation. Fenn was not very expressive, but Fig felt like he could still read her pretty well. She was unhappy. This hadn't been the outcome she'd wanted, but he was impressed that she was willing to swallow her protests for his sake.

"But hey," Fig said, his tone lightening, "I'm not leaving today. I want to stick around for a couple of weeks before I head out, so there's no need to keep acting like this is our final farewell." He smiled, his tail wagging. "You and I still haven't really caught up. So why don't you tell me something good that's happened recently? What's going on in your life that you're most excited about?" he asked, hopeful she would play along and be able to give him an answer since it required they turn the focus on some positivity.

He sounded pleased, and the request for some positive news about her life hit her the wrong way again. This time to a lesser extent, but the first news that came to mind, she knew she didn’t want to share. Part of it was personal - there was a time he’d been one of her best friends, but if he didn’t want her at her worst, he couldn’t have her at her best. But even moreso, she didn’t want to share it if he wasn’t going to be around anyway. If she didn’t tell him about her and Penn then he would never have to deal with the downs of the relationship that might follow. He could just miss the entire thing completely.

Her features were schooled to neutral, and she decided to take the out of talking about others rather than herself. He wanted positive news? He could have theirs. Let him assume she had none to give because, outside of one thing, that was pretty much the truth. She’d tried to be positive last time, when she’d told him honestly she was working on better handling disappointments life handed her. He hadn’t liked that either.

Killer is doing really well here, and I think he’ll like it even more, now that mom and dad are here too. He’s always wanted all of us in the same spot. I’m glad we can give him that. She replied, her tail flicking behind her dismissively. Other than that, there’s really no news.

None he wanted to hear about. What about you?

There was nothing angry about her face or her words, but he still felt something chilly in her response. It was too neutral, too dismissive. As though she were keeping from him now since he had kept from her. 

He felt his heart clench with frustration and disappointment, though he tried to breathe low and slow in order to calm himself. He was reading into things he didn't know were really there. She was talking about her son because it was only natural that she would be most excited for his joy instead of her own. And even if she was upset, she had a right to feel the way she did. He could not dictate to her how she should feel.

But oh, if he could.

Fig was quiet for a moment as he considered his answer. Anything that came to him felt like throwing salt into the wound between them. But, if it was honesty she was after, then he would give it where he could. ”I visited the places we grew up,” Fig told her, ”Heron Lake Plateau, the Strath, the Copse. It was pretty cool seeing them again. There’s hardly anyone around that area still.”

”I’ve been doing a lot of counseling lately too,” he said next, ”Mostly just giving advice and listening to the troubles of random wolves I meet in my travels. But it’s been really… gratifying. Fulfilling. I think it’s what I want to do with my life.” He paused thoughtfully, considering it more. Then he looked at his sister, wondering what she would say.

Her automatic reply, if things were different, would have been teasing. She’d have given him shit about wanting to be a counselor when all he seemed to want was good news, but she was too tired of fighting with him to risk him taking it the wrong way. So she opted for the edited version again.

I barely remember them. She said first, that part honest. Thinking back, she remembered the Copse most, and it wasn’t a place she would ever choose to revisit herself. Maybe if she was passing through, but her time there hadn’t exactly been a good one, waiting for her family to reappear and expecting the worst. The only real good that had come out of it had been Penn.

But I’m glad, that you found something you enjoy. There was so much she could say to that. It didn’t make any sense to her that it was the path he’d choose, knowing how much he struggled to listen anytime she tried to share, but she did at least know that some things were easier with strangers. That was part of why she preferred giving fortunes to complete strangers - she didn’t need to know how things turned out and could spin whatever bullshit she wanted, regardless of outcome. It was easier when she didn’t need to care. Maybe the same was true for him.

You always did like helping. She added, still neutral, but not wanting to end on something quite so cursory. She was glad he’d found his calling. She just wondered if he heard the same slight irony in the words.

Her responses were short and left him little room to further the line of conversation. It was almost as though they'd reached a natural end to the conversation, but Fig felt as though he needed to cling to it. Like this might be the last they ever had. And while he knew it wouldn't be because he wouldn't let it, he did wonder if she was going to see that it was.

"Yeah," he said, pausing for a beat before taking a breath and adding, "Hey, I thought I might go spend some time with mom's newest pack of beasts. Wanna come with? We can pick our favorites and pit them against each other?" Fig smiled, but it was a weak one. He fully suspected he had just given her an out and she wouldn't hesitate to take it.

I promised Killer I’d meet up with him soon. Maybe later. She didn’t want to draw this moment out. Somehow this new dynamic seemed to be what Figment wanted, but it was one she didn’t think she could handle. He didn’t seem interested in knowing that, and he’d already expressed that this was all he’d accept. There was no real way forward for her.

If she couldn’t speak her mind, then she wasn’t interested in speaking at length at all.

Tell mom I said hey. She gave a flick of her tail as a cursory goodbye, then turned to go. She did intend to go find Killdeer and spend a little time with him instead; she needed to get her mind off of this and let it go.

Fig shouldn’t have been surprised, or hurt, when Fenn did in fact seize the opportunity to leave. His ears flattened as she made up her excuse and took her leave. He considered stopping her, considered calling her out in her behavior, letting her know she was acting like a child, pouting and being bitter because she couldn’t have exactly what she wanted. But he didn’t. He simply didn’t see the point. And he reminded himself once more that he had laid down his boundary, it was her prerogative to respond to it however she wished.

”Yeah,” Fig said, ”I’ll see you around.” There was a wistful tone to his voice. He wondered if his words were even true, if he’d see her again during his stay at Moonspear or if she’d just avoid him. He supposed that was up to her now. He would carry on just as he’d intended, and so he turned away and started his trek back to Towhee and his younger siblings.