Redhawk Caldera For the excitement to arrive

For two weeks now, Fennec hadn't spoken a single word.  She was still out of it, and still found herself too heavy to move much, but the silence had allowed some healing to happen. The pain was less than it had been and she (finally) was breathing marginally easier.

The upturn was subtle but it was the first time she actually registered feeling "better" since she'd fallen.  It doubled down on her decision not to open her mouth, but it also left her feeling actually hopeful.  She'd been terrified that this injury wouldn't heal, and that without being able to see what was wrong, she'd just be stuck living like this forever.  That fear was still there, but having things loosen a bit sent a ray of sun through it.

Fennec didn't move to get up, but as she lay on her good side, she turned her face towards the den entrance.  She wished the sun could reach her in here... it had been a long while since she'd felt it and the craving was suddenly immense.  She'd have sold her soul, easy, in that moment, just for a nice patch of sun to bask in.

Valravn was gone back to Rusalka, casting Alyx's days in a dim grey light once more. She spent most of her time hunting, hanging around Quetzal, or trying to figure out what to do with all the dried out plants in her cave. When she was wasn't doing one of those three things, she was drifting around the territory, trying her best to be alone. That was what she was doing when she realized she was heading straight toward the den where Fennec was still healing.

She felt awkward about her blind older sister at best, but she was lured toward the entrance by the need to talk to someone. She didn't know if Fennec was the best candidate, but she'd left and come back multiple times, which led Alyx to believe, incorrectly or not, that Fennec was a little disillusioned with the whole Redhawk life and would be more real with her than any of the others. She lay down and announced herself by clearing her throat, then added, you awake? for good measure.

Fennec was definitely awake and even more definitely bored.  She heard someone approaching and her ears twitched with interest.  Mom maybe?  But the stride was wrong.  It was a bit embarrassing that she didn't know her siblings' steps, but she hadn't been around much once they'd grown.  When Alex's voice announced, her older sister was taken completely by surprise.

Not in a bad way, but definitely a curious one.  She couldn't fathom why Alyx would want to visit her, but hell yes she could use the company.  Despite the whole not-talking thing, time ticked by excruciatingly slow when she was left listening to just the birds.

She made a soft sound of affirmation, something between a huff and a chuff.  She wasn't about to answer vocally yet, but she'd do her best if her sister was looking to be company.  Maybe they could work something out.  Worst came to worst... a word here or there... maybe wouldn't hurt?

God damn she hated every bit of this.

A small noise was the only answer she got, but that was probably as much as Fennec could do. Alyx didn't know the details of her sibling's injury, but she had heard that it was hard for Fennec to breathe, and that was why she spent so much time in the den. She didn't expect much for answers. She supposed she was mostly looking for an unbiased party to share her thoughts with, and Fen was probably the best she'd get around here.

D'you ever just, she began, crossing her forepaws at the ankles and mulling over her words, d'you ever feel like no matter what you do, no one really sees you because they're too busy paying attention to someone else? What she really wanted to ask was if a similar feeling is what had driven Fennec from the Redhawks time and time again, if only to find a kindred spirit. Alyx loved her family dearly, but sometimes she wasn't so sure they felt the same way about her.

Alyx stayed back, but Fennec heard her settle in.  She in turn shifted slightly, carefully bringing her legs in and rolling from her side onto her stomach.  The position was better for hearing and for paying attention... and for answering.  Because it seemed like her younger sister wanted to talk.

Fennec mulled the question over for a bit.  She'd felt a lot of ways... and yeah, that was probably part of it.  It went a little further than that, but it was a similar sentiment, different angle.  Any time someone left and she was here, at home... it certainly made her feel passed over.  Unwelcome.  Because who wanted to travel with a tagalong?  But she always felt seen... just in all the wrong ways.  It hadn't started that way, but it had morphed into it over the past year and a half, and once the insecurity slid in it was a hard thing to shake.

That was a lot, and the real answer was she wasn't sure.  She hadn't quite.. tapped to the root of why she got defensive.  Her expression was inconclusive, but she tilted her head and gestured with her muzzle, hoping to maybe encourage her to continue?

Obviously something was up.  It didn't take a genius to sort that out, and while Fennec wasn't the most sympathetic of ears, she understood feeling out of place and frustrated.  She'd been in a near constant state of it before leaving the first time.  She'd spilled to Penn... spilled to Bronco... and she definitely didn't mind Alyx spilling to her.  In fact, she was honestly pretty damn flattered.

She listened as Fennec shifted, and when she leaned forward to peer into the den, she could see her sister's face within. Drawing back, she sighed heavily. I jus' feel like everyone is so busy thinking Meerkat and Bronco are such hot shit, the word came out fumbled, because swearing still felt a little wrong to Alyx, that they don't pay any notice at all to those of us who are still here.

I mean, she went on with a bark of harsh laughter, my mom didn't even notice that I became a hunter. My mom. It was becoming clear to Alyx as she got older that some wolves simply weren't cut out to be parents, and she was forming the opinion that Niamh was not a very good one. She made a fantastic strict mentor, perhaps, but she didn't have the compassion required for raising children that didn't have self esteem issues, at least in her daughter's opinion. Even Towma had more nurturing instinct and ability than Niamh, and Towma was the manliest woman Alyx knew.

An' when I told her she'd know that if she spent time with me, 'cause we never spend time together, she called me a little baby who needs my mommy's attention all the time. She wrinkled her muzzle, spitting the words out with disgust. But that's pretty weird 'cause when I told mom and dad and Towma that I wanted to go and live with another pack and be an ambassador like Meer, I was too much of a baby to do that or make that choice for myself? It's like... You're nothing to them if you aren't kissing their friends' butts, and even when you try your best, they don't even care. You're not allowed to like... have your own dreams unless it's about stupid Moonspear. Okay, that wasn't a great way of putting it, but she thought it got the point across. She wasn't great at articulating her feelings. And everyone just lets mom make all the decisions so you just can't win. Is that why you left? 'Cause they treated you like that, too?

Fennec continued to listen as Alyx went on and spilled quite a bit.  She cracked a small smile when she spoke of Bronco and Meerkat being 'hot shit', though that struck a chord.  The two did a lot together, and even when she'd been at the glen, she'd felt on the outside of it.  It didn't surprise Fennec that Niamh didn't pay much attention, and she wouldn't stick up for her.  The blind girl admired her step mother a hell of a lot, and looked up to her, but she'd meant it when she told Bronco the woman was a bitch.  Not everyone liked that in a wolf, and none of Niamh's actual kids seemed to care for it much in her.

If it were Towhee, or Phox, or even Niamh, Fennec probably would have stood by her decision to stay silent.  But Alyx had never come to her, and Fennec wasn't about to let that pass, even if she wasn't sure she was ready yet.  She hummed experimentally, and the soft noise failed to bring any pain.  If she was quiet, she could probably manage it.

I left cuz I wanted to.  She answered softly, lips still curved up somewhat in a slight smile. Trying to recall the exact process was hard, but she definitely remembered the overall reason.  It hadn't left.  I was sick of everyone else doin it.  Had to prove I could too, even if no one was offering.  And no one had, ever, until Penn.  In fairness, she'd never asked for one, but a part of her still rebelled at that.  Fig never had to.  

She paused, remembering Phox's reaction to her telling them that she was going with Penn.  She regretted a lot about Penn, but she definitely didn't regret that trip.  And something told her that as much as Niamh might protest, the next thing she was about to say was something she'd understand.  Even if she'd probably break Fennec in half all over again for saying it, if she knew.  Sometimes you don't ask.  They don't get to choose.  They don't know what you want, or how you feel.  Or what you can do.  They damn sure hadn't known what Fennec could do, and neither had she until she did it.

Alyx had to strain to hear Fennec, clamping her jaws over the impulse to ask her sister to speak up. Even without knowing much about what was going on with Fennec, she knew that would be insensitive. No doubt struggling to breathe was kind of painful. The answers she got were short and a smidge winded, but enough to convey that while Fennec maybe hadn't gone unnoticed by her parents, she had gone unnoticed by someone once when they left the pack without her. Maybe even multiple someones.

It was just as bad. Alyx felt like she was some sort of disappointment to her family in spite of working hard to become useful, but she bet it would feel worse if she was left behind by her friends. Not that she really had any, but Fennec did. At least, she knew Bronco was her friend—and Bronco had left her behind when he went with Meerkat, so it wasn't a stretch to wonder if her brother had left Fennec once, too.

Her eyes widened when Fennec suggested that she didn't need to ask her parents for permission to pursue her own wants. The part of her that was still an obedient little girl rebelled immediately against the idea. She couldn't bear to hurt her parents like that. On the other hand, the part of Alyx that was coming into her own as a young adult and felt undervalued in her community yearned to take her sister's advice right that minute. Towma and Phox might understand, but when she thought of her mother, she pinched her lips together. What if they hate me more for it? she wondered, but really, she was only worried about Niamh, already convinced that her mother didn't like her much as it was.

Fennec gave a relaxed roll of a shoulder.  It was almost a shrug, but not quite.  They didn't hate me.  At least, she didn't think they did.  In the end they'd understood, but she'd had to make them.  Because she was still pretty certain, if she'd waited for permission, she'd still be waiting now.  She didn't think that would have ever come.

If you waited, I'd go. Not to stay, but.  She didn't quite finish the statement, but she let it hang there casually.  Despite her statement about being left behind, there was no weight on the offer.  Her hurt feelings didn't extend to her younger siblings; it was different for them.

Besides, who knew when she'd be okay to travel?  Winter was kind of a dumb time regardless, but if Alyx looked for sooner than later, she'd be out and Fennec would wish her well.  Not your fault if they want you in a box you don't fit in.  I think they figure it out.  At least, Phox had seemed to come around to it with her.  Maybe Niamh was different, maybe not, but it was hard for Fennec to imagine the woman hating her daughter for grabbing some of that independence for herself.  Just tell them.  If she disappeared without a word, that did... different things.

Yeah, well, said Alyx, fighting to keep a sullen note from her tone, they all liked you before, right? I don't think my mom likes me very much already. They'd had a good relationship, once. Before she asked about Rusalka. She knew she was partly to blame for that, having called her mother a bitch for no good reason, but it wasn't like Niamh was doing anything to fix it, either. Phox and Towhee had made an effort and forgiven her without saying anything, and she had forgiven them in kind, but Alyx felt like it was different with Niamh. And now she wasn't sure she could forgive her mom, either. Being called a baby for just wanting her mom to care hit her in a real low place.

She let Fennec's offer hang in silence until her sister finished speaking entirely, unsure how to feel about the offer. She was super grateful, but also worried that taking Fennec with her would put a nail in the coffin when it came to her parents' opinions about her. Towhee and Phox were less of a concern, but Niamh... Then again, with Fennec backing her up, Niamh wouldn't be able to do much about it. You'd do that for me?

And did she really care if her mother who already thought she was a little baby disliked her more for leaving? Alyx would never have to see her again if she wanted, although it was inevitable if she came back to visit Phox and Towhee. Which she would. She didn't presently feel like Niamh deserved much consideration from her, given how little she felt her mother cared, but Towma and Phox deserved better from her. Last time I told them I wanted to go, dad threw me to the ground, said Alyx, remembering it with a grimace. I called mom a bitch, and I know that's why, but even before that, none of them really listened to my reasons. Wouldn't it just be worse if I tell them I'm going without asking?

Oh god she could not laugh.  She had to fight the urge considerably when Alyx referenced them liking her before she left.  Maybe Towhee had, sure, and Phox.  But as much as she joked about being the favorite, she was pretty sure she'd forfeited that when she failed to do... well, pretty much anything anyone asked her to do.  Ever.

For you and me.  I like to travel.  She answered, still low, but with a little more inflection than before.  Much like Alyx's hunting, it was an interest no one ever really seemed to acknowledge.  And of course it wasn't something anyone had ever asked her to do as a favor, which made this little deal even better.  She didn't know how far Alyx was talking, but she didn't worry about making it back.  In her time out she'd gotten better and better about seeing her surroundings without her eyes.  Dangers were still dangerous, but travel was no longer a novel experience.

When I told dad I was leaving, he tried to stop me.  I didn't let him.  He was real mad.  So was Bronco.  They didn't get it.  They'd both seemed to hate her, but she'd never actually suspected they did.  And if they had, she'd been too mad at them to care.  I wanted to go more than I cared.  Takes more than that for hate anyway.  

She shut her mouth then and listened.  Whether Alyx took her advice or not was irrelevant, but she'd thrown her lot in the instant she'd offered to go with and she knew it.  It annoyed her to know that her younger sister wanted to leave and was denied when Meerkat and Bronco had that chance, and she felt they had the right to make their own mistakes.  If Alyx offered her support as a reason, and Niamh took it out on her, she didn't really care.  At least Alyx would have someone in her corner when shit went down.

Alyx listened, and her admiration for Fennec grew. She didn't even know how to be that assertive. She was positive that if she told her parents she was leaving and didn't let them stop her, she would just quail and give up. They'd already made it clear they had no qualms getting physical with her about it, and she was fearful they would hold her down and refuse to let her go. But if Fennec had her back, then maybe they wouldn't have a choice, and maybe she would be free to make her own decisions, without her selfish mom's opinions.

Interesting that she thought Niamh was the one who was being selfish. All of them, really. They just wanted her to go off and suck Hydra's junk in Moonspear like the others so it would benefit them, but Alyx didn't want to go from living under her mother's thumb to living under her parents' best friend's thumb for their sakes. It would be no different than being here. And she wanted her own life, not one forever dictated for her.

Bronco's a hypocrite, she burst out, snorting. He up and left without really saying anything to us. Bitterness enveloped her tongue, and she swallowed it. She didn't really want to talk about Bronco or Meerkat or any of them. She felt too slighted by how they could do whatever they wanted and everyone was proud of them, while she felt like she would have to claw her way out of this place, and they would probably dislike her for it. How did you stop them from stopping you?

Fennec had her own share of pent up feelings about Bronco, none of them screaming hypocrite, but all of them screaming something.  She remembered she'd been pretty down to come back and realize he'd left, and it really had followed the same lines, if a little less personally.  It had seemed like everyone was free to go but her.

She'd have struggled on a proper response for that one, and lucky for her Alyx seemed keen to skip on past it too.  Instead she brought up the way she'd left.  I jus' told them. she said, trying to remember exactly.  Dad freaked.  Said I had to wait.  I told him at least I wasn't just disappearin.  She'd called him out on that, she remembered, because he'd tried to turn her words back on her.  He'd been lucky she hadn't weaponized his trips with Fig against him, now that would have been a fight.  I tried to just go, but I guess in the end he didn't want me goin like that.  He gave in. 

Towhee had been on her side, though.  With Niamh not in her corner Fennec got the feeling Alyx would have a fight ahead.  If she wanted it bad enough, then they physically couldn't keep her here.  They could try, but eventually, something would have to give.  It might be harder with your mom.  But they can't stop you forever.  If Phox had tried, Fennec would have ditched them regardless.  At the time she wouldn't have let anything get in the way of her trip, and even looking back, she wouldn't trade it.  Not even after how it all turned out.

She nodded along. It seemed she would have to do a lot of thinking between now and whenever Fennec was well enough to come with her. She had to figure out what she was going to say, how she was going to deliver it, if she would speak to them jointly or separately, and what she was going to do if they refused to let her go. Unfortunately, she was blind to the other side of the coin where being a parent and watching your children leave was painful and upsetting, so she wasn't likely to employ the right amount of tact no matter what she did.

I think dad woulda let me go, Alyx shared, and Towma, too, but then mom started freaking out and they both just totally backed her after that. She had no real evidence that Phox and Towhee wouldn't have said no if Niamh wasn't involved, but she had a feeling. It was specifically her mother who had turned the maybe into a no on that front.

I just don't wanna make things weird, she said. I wanna come visit and stuff. Maybe not for a while if mom's a cow about it, but... Eventually. She licked her lips and slumped forward, physically exhausted by the thought of it. Thanks for listening, she said offhandedly. I know we never hung out or anything, but I appreciate it.

That was a pickle.  Even Fennec could admit that the idea of earning Niamh's ire bothered her, though likely for vastly different reasons.  She was starting to feel like she was earning a place as her mentee, but she still silently decided that she'd go to bat for Alyx if necessary.  Even if they weren't ever super close, they were sisters, and Fennec understood what she wanted too well to be okay with letting her struggle with it solo.

Dad might be okay making you stay.  But he and mom would make sure you could come back.  That she could say with one hundred percent certainty.  It didn't matter a whit what Niamh thought of her daughter visiting... dad wouldn't make it weird.  She couldn't even begin to picture it, though perhaps one day he'd prove her wrong.

It's no big deal.  Fennec dismissed immediately, then thought a little better of it.  She wasn't the most feely wolf, but being stuck here was hard.  And Alyx's conversation had made her forget, for a pretty long chunk of time, about how much things sucked right now.  Thanks, too.

She pulled her lips into a smile. Fennec was right. Phox had never given any indication that he would bar his children from visiting, even if Niamh hated them more than anything. She knew now that Bronco and Niamh didn't get along, and her brother still visited, even though he didn't always come to see her when he did. If Bronco could do it, then so could she.

She didn't have much else to say, and didn't want to bring attention back to Fennec's condition. Whether she was correct or not, she assumed Fennec would prefer not to talk about it much. At least, if Alyx could barely breathe, she would prefer not to talk about it. She lingered a time longer, basking in her older sister's company in companionable silence, then got up to look for some grub she could share with Fennec.