Noctisardor Bypass john 13:20

her ears splayed; she'd offended him. 
the only other believer she knew was john, and his gentle devotion was the reflection of god's face to which she clung even now.
but softness could not wash away pain, especially when such agonies had been caused by her own desperate and one-minded actions. in fact, to know she had caused them at all gave heda reason not to have her anguish lessened in any way.
i don't feel lucky, she wanted to say, but stayed herself for the sake of argumentativeness.
"god — i —" not now! "i was once very angry. a man of god taught me how to be at peace. and i was. god gave me a home. he gave me a husband, and children," — why was she pouring this out to someone she didn't even know, but she found she couldn't stop "— but i-i made a very bad mistake. he hasn't let me earn back his trust since," she added weakly, unable to even describe the cascade of events that had crushed her into the earth. 
either god was punishing heda or he had allowed her to suffer without seeing. the former was far more preferable. she had abandoned caracal. she had left the home god had given them. she had allowed the blessed children to scatter and turned her back on them in motherliness. she had lain with a man out of wedlock and conceived, and it had been a far more sinful union than either of them had known. she had done it again, and this time to deceive. then she had turned her heart against these men both. she been cruel toward her own much-beloved druid in her mind. and as she listed it out, the sorrow eased, for in knowing her sins she knew also that her punishments had not been so great.
a thought; "should i thank him for his — strong guidance?" she ventured after a long silence, at last looking more directly to amadeo, a wet-eyed woman sitting in a roughhewn pew, clad stoutly in black and leaning on the word of a man holier than she.