Dragoncrest Cliffs chanson

He'd ensured that Arielle had what she needed and told @Avicus that he wished to speak with their neighbors. She had plenty of the pack to assist with what she would need at this point and the pups all seemed healthy. He could afford to be away a day or two.

Ashlar made the trip with his heart in his throat, pounding uncomfortably in a way that had nearly given him a headache by the time he reached Sapphique's edge. He had followed the coastline and finally found the cliffs that she spoke of. They were beautiful and intimidating and reminded him, inescapably, of her.

@Chacal. He felt his guilt surge anew and quailed, but lifted his head and howled for her or any who might want to speak with him. The call was not particularly musical but it was unassuming and polite. He did not come with expectations.

He went to sit down but thought better of it, shifting anxiously instead with his eyes on the tree line beyond. Would she come? Would they tell him?

Having been so preoccupied with nesting and hunting and scavenging, Chacal’s focus had shifted thoroughly into a different mode. Still, she minded her obligations to her family and the pack- but now she had a den to nest in, and a growing need within her that drove her to feed as much as possible. As busy as she was, the only spare moments she had to allow her thoughts to wander to somewhere more pensive were in the moments just before she fell asleep- and being as tired as she was, she couldn’t linger there long.

But she felt an ache in her chest when she heard his voice. There was nothing demanding in his voice, though she wondered if she might have to call for backup. She couldn’t imagine Ashlar would make any demands of her- she thought she’d stated quite clearly that since she wasn’t enough, that the children were hers and would be hers only. 

Perhaps he’d come to regret his decision. Maybe he’d come to bargain for visitation; if he felt entitled at all to time with her children, she’d resent him for it. Not when he already had more than he needed at the rise. 

So when she approached, she had to take a deep breath to keep her resolve from melting. It was so easy to forget the things she adored about him, to allow bitter thorns to creep about his memory when he was away but seeing him again…

She was not a wolf with a heart of stone. But she was a leader of Sapphique, and would present herself as such. She watched his expression with interest, knowing he would note the bulge of her sides, and the away it put in her step. 

”Ashlar,” She said, before she sat in the sand a number of feet away from him, but facing him directly. She tilted her head back, and blinked expectantly. He wouldn’t have come for no reason and if he had- she’d send him off soon enough.

She came. He hadn't been sure if he should expect that she would, but his tail waved despite her expression. Ashlar warred with himself, equal parts delight in seeing a friend and the pain of knowing the sentiment was likely not shared. She did not look pleased.

But she did look pregnant. He'd come with that question and now he knew. Ashlar's eyes lowered.

Sorry. I jus... I wanted to see. I had to know. His voice was quiet with apology for all of the ways that he'd failed her. It was not his fault but it was not hers either. He regretted it, and he regretted that even now he couldn't fix it. She'd wanted him here but he could not come to stay.

If... if they're... if they're mine. I should tell. He finished, stumbling over the words. He'd felt so comfortable around her before but now her eyes burned him, stripping bare what he has done. What he was doing. I don't know what's right anymore.. He wanted to cry.

She wasn't sure what to think of his expression, but because he didn't immediately smile, her inclination was to believe that he felt either guilty or disappointed. What she heard in his voice was something akin to regret and with a flicker of spite, she thought he deserved to feel ashamed. He'd carried on with her when he had someone else- someone who, it seemed, Ashlar felt might not be so welcoming of news that his lover's affair had children on the way. 

The softness and vulnerability he showed, though, tugged at her heartstrings. Ashlar was a sensitive wolf who above all else, seemed deeply conflicted. He wasn't the sort who wanted to hurt others. She did believe he felt very sorry for having hurt her feelings- and now he stood to hurt the other wolf he loved. She was quiet for a moment, and felt the spite in her breast fade to pity, and then to empathy. She sighed. 

"I want dese children, Chéri. I wanted dem- for me." She said. "I was not expecting to 'ave a mate, is true... but...I did not know my heart would long for you too. I will raise dese babes wid de 'elp of my family...You need not worry about dem, or me." She said. "Dis is something." She said, but faltered. "If it would break your lover's heart an' soul...Den perhaps it is not news 'e needs to know. I do not mean to push you away- I just...Offer you de choice, si vous voulez."

He wasn't going to say anything because he hadn't thought it to be the problem, and because he could not promise to not return to the feelings if Ratio somehow returned. But Ashlar couldn't lie to her outright misunderstanding. It surprised him, and the way she spoke with understanding gave him at least a flicker of hope. Not enough to let him look at her but enough to settle his voice a little.

He's gone. I have to tell Avicus. She should know. She was his friend and his leader. It might not change anything but it meant something to him. He disappeared, a few weeks ago. Ashlar suspected he was to blame. He did not feel any resentment, just a welling loneliness.

I.... he trailed off, not sure what to say. He couldn't make any promises without breaking those he'd already made. She would raise them with her family. And he?

He didn't know.

He's gone. I have to tell Avicus. She should know..."

Chacal stiffened. Selfishly, she'd briefly felt relieved to hear that his lover was gone- only to be told that there was now an Avicus who apparently needed to know. It wasn't a name she recognized- she'd likely heard the name before but failed to connect the name Avicus to the leadership role of Redtail Rise. Perhaps it was the 'baby brain' making her forget if she'd ever heard the name before, but she interpreted Ashlar's confession to mean that he had a new lover. She was unimpressed, and felt even more inclined to guide him toward leaving her and the children out of his narrative. 

He was obviously upset about his previous lover's disappearance, but was less inclined to pity him as she was under the impression that he had Avicus to consider now. "I am sorry your lover is gone." Her tone was fairly curt. "But you need not tell your new one about me either if it would cause her to suffer." She said, somewhat sternly. She thought at least she might have been second in his heart- perhaps, that he might have sought her out if his relationship with his previous lover had not worked out...But now, apparently, she was even further down on the list- and to hell with it. She was worth more than being someone's third choice.

This time he did look at her, shocked. Then his ears fell back a bit at the scorn in her tone and, for the first time, he allowed himself to feel a little hurt. He'd tried to be honest with her, to do everything she asked, to show her that he prized their friendship. She was the one who had wanted space.

She's my leader and my best friend. I promised her I'd help her build something new. I'm her Hæland. I have to tell her. He drew back a little, disliking the connotation in her voice and the spite in her eyes.

A lump was beginning to form in his throat. There was nothing here he could apologize for. What he had to give her was not enough. He couldn't put her first - it wasn't his way. This did not mean she was last, and while this was easy for him, it seemed hard for others to grasp. Perhaps he would never find anyone who could truly believe this. Perhaps he would always only be Hæland and nothing more.

He didn't scold her when he clarified the situation, but she felt a bit ashamed nonetheless and it showed in the way her posture loosened slightly. Perhaps it was the fact that he'd finally lifted his gaze to look at her again which rattled her conviction. It probably felt lousy, being criticized like that. She lowered her own gaze for a moment, but looked up when he withdrew slightly. She lifted a paw to step toward him, but set it back down. She was supposed to be distancing herself, wasn't she? What exactly was her plan again?

She considered, for a moment, why he might feel obliged to tell his leader. Then she remembered her rudeness, and shook her head. "I apologize. I should not 'ave said anyt'ing like dat." Any feelings she still harboured would be glaringly obvious. She shouldn't have been so jealous, if she was trying to give him the choice to forget about her and move on with someone else. 

If he felt he needed to tell his alpha, then he was inferring that he might expect to have some role in the lives of the children she carried. She was uneasy with that thought. She saw how her younger siblings regarded Meerkat. It was subtle, but noticeable enough. She did not want her own children to feel the same way about their biological father if he had obligations elsewhere, whether it was emotional or simply dutiful, but at the same time, she did not want to turn Ashlar away completely. She could see him being an amazing father, but she could also see herself getting too attached to him if she were to allow him to visit and be at least somewhat present. 

It would've been easier if he'd just stayed away, or if he'd taken her offer and had decided to step away on his own. 

"Do you need to tell 'er just to clear your conscience, or because you intend to visit?" She asked timidly, as though she feared he might reject the idea of coming to see his children altogether.

His hurt left him feeling more forlorn than anything else. He wanted so many things and there was no way to have them all. So what he wanted no longer mattered.

I'm telling because I say the things that are important. He answered, looking away again. You shouldn't hide things from the ones you care about. Or the ones who care about you. If he was nothing else then he was always honest.

He didn't know yet what he would do, and he felt it wasn't his choice. He would like to stay. But he disliked the thought of leaving his home, the family they had formed and the ones who cared there. It was Avicus' choice, and her own, what his role would be. If those views diverged he would try to find their meeting, but right now, his heart gave him no answer clear enough to follow. He had no solution in this that would make him happy. So he wouldn't be.

Ashlar seemed to have a conscience that spurred him into action even if it meant spearing his own soul in the process. She thought about it for a moment, and realized that he was probably one of the most honest wolves she knew. He’d hidden nothing from her, really. So at least, if she asked him questions, she knew she would get honest answers. 

While the hills wheeled freely overhead, Chacal quietly allowed herself to lay down, making her belly both more visible but more comfortable as well. Her ankles tired from the extra weight she carried. ”Don’ mind me. Dese babs just weigh on my back a lot,” Her voice softened when she spoke of them.

”I t’ink we should talk about de chil’ren.” She said. ”Do you want to be in deir lives at all?” She asked, doing her best to keep her tone light, so that she might not sound as though she was trying to influence his decision.

He was so unsure of everything. He couldn't read her anymore, not now that it felt like she no longer wished to speak like they used to. When he thought of how much things had changed since that first meeting it made the feeling worse, like something important had been lost and could never really be replaced.

Ashlar thought that he wanted to be a father. He loved Avicus' pups dearly but he'd known, if they were his, it would be different. Now he wasn't sure if he should be a part of these because would it be right, to only be a part? Or would they need more, like she did, and would it be ruined worse because of it if he could not give it?

I don't know. I don't know if I should. There wasn't any excitement behind the statement and he was subdued, feeling more and more lost the longer he stood here and spoke to her. He couldn't live two lives. Inexplicably, he felt his eyes well with tears, and he turned away while he tried to wrestle with them. I promised.

Chacal couldn’t piece together what it was that Ashlar wanted. He’d come to see if she’d conceived, and she got the overall impression that he was disappointed in what he saw. When he didn’t immediately know what level of involvement he wanted, and turned away, she was prepared to drive the final nail into the coffin and keep the children to herself.  

His voice was filled with regret, and his eyes shone with tears. If she sent him away like this, he wouldn’t be alright. ”Let’s not talk should, or should not,” She said. ”I need to know what you want.” She said.

What he wanted wasn't possible. Or at least was highly improbable, something he had neither seen nor heard of. He knew that.

I want both. I want to be Hæland and I want to be here. I want to keep my promises. He couldn't look at her. He'd made none to her, but he'd made plenty to himself and those mattered. But this didn't. In the end, what he wanted was easily dismissed when faced with what she, and they, needed.

She'd told him that already. He didn't expect her to change her mind and wouldn't ask for it, especially not out of pity. He had to stop himself from following up with an apology for even wanting what he wanted. He managed to stop the impulse.

As with his love life, it seemed Ashlar wanted more than one thing- and given the fact that he kept his face turned away, it seemed like he felt bad about it. Her lips tightened as she drew in a breath. For someone who had multiple desires, he seemed awfully ashamed of himself for wanting anything at all. It pained him so much to tell her the truth- but she hadn’t been kind to him the last time he’d opened up to her. He looked so small, so defeated; she told herself to be gentler to the man who had given her exactly what she’d gone searching for. 

”Chéri- you gave no promise to me.” She said softly. ”You gave me a gift. I hope you remember dat.”

He nodded. Yeah. It wasn't a surprise that this was her response, and to Ashlar, it was a confirmation. He'd only promised himself, but she didn't need his promises. She didn't want them. The children were hers - just as Avicus' were her own. If he had any place in their lives it would be at best minimal, at worst an inconvenience. He understood.

He felt a little numb, thinking about it, and wasn't sure what to feel. That wasn't something he wished to sort out here, though. He'd kept her long enough.

I should go. He said softly, rising to do just that. He paused, then, only glancing at her a moment before looking back down to turn away. If you need anything... the Rise isn't far. He'd come. But he wasn't expecting her to. She'd said her family here was enough and that was sure to be true. This wasn't a gift he needed to share in - he should give it freely, knowing she would treasure it.

He still looked downtrodden when he made to leave. She knew that if she needed him, he would come…But it was very unlikely that she would need anything from him that couldn’t also be supplied by her mother and siblings. If she did not call for him, he would not likely visit at all. Before he could wander out of earshot, she sat up. 

”I t’ink I will be due sometime aroun’ de full moon in June.” She said. ”I will call for you to come see dem when dey open deir eyes, hmm?” She wanted some time post-delivery for just herself and her family…In case something went wrong. But she thought after two weeks, when the pups were able to see, they would be out of the danger zone, and healthy enough to present to the man who had helped create them.

She didn't need to do that. He hovered between the urge to insist that and the urge to dissolve into tears. The second was going to win out. Ashlar had already been on the verge of it before but now there was no stopping the flood, as much as he might try. She wasn't the reason he was so upset. He hoped she knew that, even though he couldn't put the real reason to words. They didn't exist.

O-okay. I'll come. I promise. She didn't need his promises but he would give it anyway and that would mean he couldn't let anything stop him. The words were for his own benefit and because he knew they were right.

He wasn't ashamed of crying in front of her, but he was ashamed of the way he was leaving. He felt the guilt sitting on his back, pressing the breath from his lungs, setting an ache in his stomach. With one last tearful dip of his head he turned and left, carrying at least the knowledge that he'd have another chance. This wasn't goodbye forever.

She wasn’t sure there was anything she could say that might please him, or at least lighten his spirits a bit. She felt certain he didn’t know what he wanted, and if he did, it would require one or both of them to make a sacrifice neither were willing to make. 

It felt a bit selfish, watching him go off with tears slipping down his cheeks, but she had to do what was best not only for herself, but for her children. She watched him leave, and continued to rest in the sand for a bit. 

Eventually, she’d flex her paws, drawing lines in the sand with her claws. She pondered what Sobo had mentioned to her, and felt he might be right. The last thing she wanted was for her children to grow up resenting a father who chose to have more children with a different wife. Ashlar had already made it clear that his heart longed for more than her. 

She still wished things were easier. She wished for more than what she could fairly ask for- but if she couldn’t have that, she would still walk away from it all with enough.