Lion Head Mesa I'm no good at waiting

The cold had settled on the mesa and left the spacious in winter’s crisp grasp.

Inside the sleeping quarters, Crowfeather stirred to look at the dim light beyond the entrance. There were clouds rolling across the sky. He could only see a glimpse of them from where he rested. The light was hidden behind the great stormy waves. The shadow was certain that if he were to leave the caverns, he would find snow on the ground. It was the reason he had started to push himself to walk again.

It took a great amount of effort for the dark figure to push himself up. The ankle that had been twisted had only healed for a few months. There was still time left before he would know the strength he’d had before. Crowfeather knew that it was likely he would never run again, not with the same agility that he had possessed before the attack. He’d become more useless.

With a sharp cry out, the dark figure fell to the floor and cursed softly. The pain coupled with his weak body would not allow him to even test the ankle with his weight. The shadow wondered if he would be trapped there forever.

the woman slate had gone.

under order of the queen, tamar had learned what herbs to bring, how to wash crowfeather's wounds. she had become an unofficial nurse to him, though they had not spoken much, perhaps barely at all.

today she brought soft strips of skin soaked in a medicinal solution. but she dropped them when she saw the young physician upon the floor of the small room. 

"why did you get out of bed?" her voice was worried, softly scolding. he was the age of her favourite little brother. turning so he would not see the tears squeezing her gaze, tamar swallowed and straightened, meaning to help him slowly upward if he was able.

In a moment, there was Tamar. The familiar flash of her brightly colored coat created a sigh from the dark figure’s lips. He did not want her to worry. He did not want her to fret over him more than she already had. The healer who had been with the wolves of Ursus had left with her clan. The maidservant to the queen had been able to take her place. Crowfeather had watched her tend to his broken figure with a sourness growing inside of him.

Germanicus was away, creating the new claim land for the soldiers he would lead. Day after day, Crowfeather thought on their conversation and burned at the idea that he could do nothing about the older man’s affairs. He was trapped. He was trapped in Akashingo and even his friend Satsu had moved on – married to the Pharaoh and getting ready, surely, to bring him children.

I n- need to walk. I c- cannot lay here. I must travel east.

The dark wolf’s voice croaked from his mouth. Crowfeather gritted his teeth against the string of tears, refusing to cry in front of the maid. She did not need to bear the burdens of his emotions and his injuries.

tamar shook her head. "you cannot yet walk, crowfeather."

there was something round and heavy in his tone. she crouched close to him, looking at the floor and then to his face. "i will ask the mazoi to bring you outside. the air may bring you some ease."

he had been cramped in this room for a long time.

"what is in the east?" tamar asked gently. what secret wants did the boy hide? she did not think he would speak to he, but all the same she offered her ear to listen.

Frustration huffed air through his nose.

Tamar was only trying to be helpful to him. She even offered to have the Mazoi take him outside so that he could leave the cramped enclosure. Crowfeather was not certain if he wanted the Pharaoh’s brutes to try carrying him. Shame crept warmly through his cheeks as he thought of Germanicus carrying his broken body back to the mesa. Anger replaced it instantly when he realized that the older man was not there. He had moved on. And while his words were kind and rational, they did nothing to ease the fear that Crowfeather would be left behind.

Germanicus is claiming the canyon.

The yearling snapped his mouth shut. He should not be confiding in Tamar. She had likely asked him as a courtesy, nothing more. Satsu’s maid was not someone who needed to listen to the sniveling of a boy.

I don’t want to be here anymore. I need to help him. I need to help Germanicus so I don’t get left-

Crowfeather sighed shakily.

Can I have some water?

tamar blinked, nodding. 

he was a nobleman, and still named as chief royal physician despite his current state. the maidservant slipped from the chamber.

when she returned it was with soaked moss. tamar put this close at crowfeather's reach and retrieved the bandages from the floor. she set them upon a shelf and turned her pale eyes toward the neb.

"the imperator, he spends some time here and some there. do you fear he will not return?"

The fiery maid swept from the room and returned a short time later with moss that had been soaked in water. Crowfeather lapped at it. The coldness on his tongue was soothing and his dry throat no longer ached. The dark figure had been thirstier than he’d imagined.

At night, he would sweat in his dreams and wake dampened through his coat. They had grown more vivid to him and without the light of the stars, Crowfeather felt he would never be able to interpret them. How was it that he still possessed the seer’s dreams when he was so far away from the Starsea? It was clear that there were things he would not be able to run from.

Tamar asked if he believed Germanicus would not return to Akashingo. Crowfeather sulked, ears falling flat upon his head.

Why would he need to?

tamar blinked softly.

"when he visits and you are asleep, he leaves food outside your door. whatever i ask him to bring, he does."

a pause. she wet her lips. crowfeather looked sullen and boyish. tamar could not help but settle somewhat closer, looking sidelong at the physician. "why do you think he does not need to return?"

the maidservant knew nothing of what had transpired that night. and again she reached for this unknown, hesitant but concerned.

The maid was soft with her words, offering things that should have assured Crowfeather of Germanicus’ care and his devotion. The yearling did not feel warmed by her kindness. He was not certain how to voice the feelings within him, only that the plagued him terribly.

Tamar was close enough that Crowfeather was inclined to reach out to her. It was not the closeness that he craved, however. The sullen look upon his face shifted to where she was. He searched her features, noting things he had not seen before, or had not cared to notice. She was pretty and soft. The intrusive thought of Tamar with Germanicus filled him with familiar burning jealousy.

Crowfeather sighed in reply to her question, unsure how he might answer.

He has all he needs.

There was a long pause and silence filled the space around them.

Tamar… do you know what it feels like to- to be in love?

crowfeather was by turns reserved and questioning.

his inquiry brought arsenio to mind at once. she smiled, allowing her delight to glow if only for a moment. "yes." tamar's answer was simple.

her pale eyes searched the boy. "do you think that you are in love, crowfeather?" tamar did not tease. her voice was solemn, interested.

love was not something so soft it could not also be cruel.

I… do not know.

Tears threatened to spill from his eyes.

How could such a dreadful thing be considered love?

Tamar had answered him with a glowing smile, a swift confirmation and flush of warmth that filled the room and her features with light. If this was love, Crowfeather could not be sure that he felt it. There was no light in his heart. There was no warmth in the feelings that he had. Perhaps, he thought, I am only a foolish boy after all.

It hurts too much… to be love, the shadow finally whispered.

tamar looked gently at crowfeather.

"it hurts more not to love." and this she firmly believed. she reached out to touch the shadow's shoulder. "they speak highly of you here, in akashingo. the queen herself seems to love you." a quick smile passed over her features.

"if you cannot enjoy love, then find something else here. you are more than your heart." tamar did not know why she spoke in this way, only that she must.

No, no, Tamar did not understand!

Then where is she, Tamar? Where is she? the shadow snapped sharply. There was a flash of fire in his gaze and a twisted expression of a young boy seemed to distort his features for only a few moments.

Tamar did not deserve to be spoken to that way. And Satsu did not owe him anything, especially not her time. 

Crowfeather sighed.

I do not care for Akashingo, Tamar. I do not care for what they think of me… not here. I will not stay. I would be gone if it was not for this. The seer’s gaze shifted to his mangled ankle with contempt.

In that moment, there were several shattered pieces of a conversation that returned to him. The dark wolf frowned thoughtfully. He remembered only faintly that Satsu had been stiff with him, had been colder than he ever remembered her being. They had argued, but he could not recall what it had been about. The longer he thought of it, the more frustrated he grew.

crowfeather's voice was hard.

tamar bowed her head. in this moment he was both an angry young man and neb of akashingo, chastising a lesser. her ears splayed. but she was not afraid. and she was not hurt.

her pale eyes lifted to his sorrowful, rageful face.

"then get better, crowfeather. heal. and leave. you do not have to be here forever."

unlike her.

The young man felt immediate regret when he saw the way Tamar had reacted to his voice.

When she spoke to him, it was to say that he could heal and be on his way. He was not trapped in Akashingo forever.

Crowfeather sighed, wishing that he could apologize to her. The words would not grow past the sturdiness of his sullen attitude. Perhaps he was not trapped in Akashingo forever, but it did not feel that escaping it would be easy. It must have seemed pathetic. The shadow did not want for much in the mesa’s quarters. They gave him all that he needed, consistent and helpful.

It does not feel so easy…

The dark young man thought of Germanicus.

she did not want to leave him.

and so she did not. tamar sat down upon the bed, moving as close to crowfeather as he would allow. "tell me about the things that are easy." her palebrown eyes looked into his.

tamar would remain with him as long as she was able, trying to pull even a single smile from the boy before she was called back to the side of the queen.

Tamar did not leave him immediately. This surprised the dark yearling. He regarded her warily, wondering why she might stay, why she would wish to remain there with him when he could offer nothing but dismay.

She wished to know what was easy. Crowfeather felt himself start, then he blinked thoughtfully at the maid. Until he had met Germanicus, most things in his life had felt difficult. It had only taken a short time. The soldier had made so many things seem easy, natural. The weathered eagle had breathed life into the shadow.

Counting- counting fireflies, he said softly. Fishing in the river.

Oh, but even these memories ached inside of him.

What is easy for you, Tamar? Please speak of something to take these thoughts from me.

it was good to see crowfeather trying. 

counting fireflies. fishing in the river.

"i like to count the stars. and name them." her lips curved. "i like to see how many different colors of flower i can collect in spring. i like to listen to the wind."

tamar wanted to see any sign of pleasure or joy in crowfeather.

Tamar spoke of the stars and how she liked to name them.

Crowfeather closed his eyes. He recalled his home, for the first time with a sense of longing. The feeling vanished when he thought of Germanicus. Guilt warred through him, confused him. He did not want to go home. He wanted to travel east. He wanted to be with Germanicus. There were so many things he wished to say to the man. So many things…

The longer he waited, the more his courage faltered. The feeling in his heart had grown so heavy, so cumbersome, he did not know how he might continue without saying something. Somehow, Crowfeather knew that if he were to be faced with a chance, he would likely hold his tongue.

Where I am from, when you die… you become one of the stars. 

The boy liked to think that there were a special few who watched over him.


What names have you given them? I'd like to hear...

tamar watched crowfeather.

"where i am from, when you die your soul is taken to the sun."

she felt a kinship with the boy, stronger than it had been even a moment before. her soft eyes searched his face. "you do not speak of your home. why is that?"

neither did tamar. it hurt far too much, and she wondered to herself if it was the same for crowfeather.

To the sun? He searched her features for a moment. It sounded like such a splendid way to go. Carried away from the world to the warmth above.

Tamar did not tell him the names she had given to the stars. Instead, she asked why he did not speak of his home. Crowfeather felt it might have been a mistake to mention it, at all. It would have been better to keep that information to himself.

I couldn’t do what they needed me to do…

The dark figure sighed softly.

I was bad. I ran away.

I left them without their seer, without a connection to the stars.

tamar moved to touch lightly between his ears, if crowfeather allowed. 

"you should be what you want to be."

she did not ask him why he had run. did she not wish to escape akashingo? her mind revisited the last question she had asked. 

"there was one star very bright the night of my birth. we called it easal. honey." she had spoken this tongue with no one else save jawahir. it would be a secret shared between her and this boy she had come to regard as a brother.

The shadow didn’t move away from her.

For a moment, he allowed himself to believe that the moment he shared with Tamar must have been what love felt like. It was warm and pleasant. It brought happiness to him, despite the weight of his heart.

Easal, Crowfeather whispered gently. He spoke it as though the sound of his voice might threaten to crack and break it.

The shadow smiled, a flicker of his dark lips. It faded swiftly, but she had found a way to warm him.

"no matter where i go i remember that star."

tamar touched him again. "you should rest. i will stay here with you until you wake."

his good softness close to her was necessary. she treasured it. and she would hold him through his dreams.

In any other moment, Crowfeather might have heard her words and dreaded the thought that she would leave. Instead, he took them and held them in his heart. He would not forget the star she had named. Even after she had left them, he would search the skies until he found it. The light would guide him to the east.

Crowfeather breathed deeply, pressing his shoulder to the warmth that Tamar offered him. Her figure felt soft beside his. As the boy tried to relish in her warmth and sleep began to overtake him, he imagined that the softness of her pelt was Germanicus, that he laid beside Crowfeather beneath the dim light.