Lion Head Mesa kareshi

if you're interested!

once jawahir had been dispatched, and germanicus sent off, and the injured tended to, it was time to try and relax. at the very least satsu needed to take a breath. she wanted to check in on pharaoh but knew he should be resting, and that maggie was put out by the medicines that @Crowfeather had given to her.
sabah was doing her rounds. mouseberry, whom she had met perhaps once since learning of the girl's existence, was hidden somewhere and satsu cared not to look.
that left her alone to process all that had transpired.
she desired the shelter of the trees to the north, where she had built herself a hideaway.
without the echo of coyote laughter in the catacomb's halls the place felt especially hollow, and while pharaoh slept soundly, satsu could slip away for brief respite.

The noise had not stopped since Germanicus had ventured from Akashingo. Crowfeather felt there were times when he could not stand to be awake if it meant listening to it, to the sound of Maggie’s pleading, to the clever voice of Pharaoh, even the soft kindness of Satsu. The mesa had been a point of excitement for days.

Crowfeather was not pleased with his disappointment.

The dark shadow prowled across the mesa until he had found a peaceful shade in the trees. Crowfeather thought of the night in the glen when they had gazed at fireflies like glittering stars.

Movement just ahead of him drew his lantern gaze. The dark wolf froze with his eyes on Satsu, wondering if he should approach her. It was in that moment that Crowfeather felt homesick for the first time since he had run away.

she had found the shallow den - designed for basking in shadow during the height of midday - partially sunken. the cache a few wolf lengths away from it, pilfered, stinking of jawahir. though it had been on her order, satsu felt the sting of invasion.
as she set about to tidy the area some, her movements were a touch more lethargic. whatever plants had been left behind were now scattered, stems broken, or partially cut by the haste of digging claws, so satsu drew them from the earth and arranged what could be saved.
most of it was not worth the effort; she found it hard to work as she went, her vision temporarily blurred by stress. she dabbed at her eyes every so often as she worked, thus far unaware of her company.

Satsu worked at tidying the area where she was shaded beneath the trees. Crowfeather watched her for some short time before he stirred to approach at her side, expression worrisome. The dark wolf wondered why she would be tending to things that had been unearthed, not when she could have been pampered by the Pharaoh.

Satsu, let me help you.

Crowfeather’s voice cracked softly upon release. The lean shadow approached on careful paws, minding each step so that he would not ruin the work she had already finished. The shadow brushed a leafy stem with roots sticking toward the skies. He dug a small hole for it and pushed the roots back beneath the surface before nudging earth at its base.

having thought that crowfeather was still by the wellspring, his sudden appearance startled satsu. she made a small sound and quickly looked away from him, as if intent on working, to clear her vision and assume her role as hostess as best she could, coming across as a bit frazzled.
you've helped so much already, she protested, sounding tired but thankful, and quieted entirely as he set about uprighting a few plants.
there was a moment of stagnation where satsu was too drained to say anything. she set down what she had been collecting upon the soil and drew a measured breath.
this was not how i thought your visit would go. it is not... this is not how akashingo usually is; pharaoh can be charming, the mesa can be beautiful. i wanted to show you. and instead he was put to work!

Satsu appeared distressed at the thought that their visit had not gone according to her plans. The dark wolf continued to fix some of the plants that had been overturned or uprooted, shoveling dirt with his nose until they were like small babies tucked safely into bed. When he had finished with the plants that could be salvaged, the shadow began to remove the dead pieces, or bury them so that they could have a chance at new life from their injuries.

I do not want you to be sad, Satsu. You could not have anticipated that Akashingo would face an attack.

Crowfeather did not believe this. He thought the Saints were dreadful wolves and that the moment Satsu had mingled with them, she had cast herself into trouble that would not easily let go. These were not things he wished to talk about with the girl.

You are to wed Pharaoh.

as crowfeather spoke, satsu felt as if she were encased in ice. trying to wade through a stagnant river as it was crusted over for the winter; numbed from skin to bone.
how sweet of him to worry.

as she was about to speak, he shifted the conversation. pharaoh, the upcoming wedding; satsu wasn't sure if she felt the shiver down her spine or if it was imagined, like the ice that held her firmly in place.

i am not... yet.

of all the topics to draw forth, why this?

it is for my own safety. with the way akashingo is to be run, i would be seen as just another jawahir or maggie to any visitors. this way i will be equal to pharaoh and... she did not know how to explain this well, as the very mention of both lesser women made her feel suddenly flush with warmth.

the throbbing in the base of her skull had resumed.

it is only business.

As soon as Satsu had begun her response, Crowfeather felt he had made a terrible mistake.

You shouldn’t have brought it up, something like that, it’s none of your business, he scolded himself internally. The dark wolf’s cheeks flushed with warmth as he gently nudged against a plant stalk that had been destroyed. It was as though he could wish life back into the little thing. Like all it would take was a simple breath of love to return the rigidity to its shape.

When Satsu had explained her situation, Crowfeather looked toward her but did not meet her eyes with his own. The shadow’s gaze danced somewhere along the bridge of her nose, shameful and apologetic.

Are- are you happy here, Satsu?

When Crowfeather realized how inappropriate this question was, he opted instead to rephrase it. He felt his chest tighten as he thought back to Germanicus’ words.

Do you have… any regrets?

are- are you happy here, satsu? the boy asked.
it seemed a strange question. poignant, in the moment. he must have read the expression on her face, or felt the strain in her voice, to be able to read her so plainly. satsu thought she was well contained in the moment, not realizing how much of an open book she truly was.

even so, she had no immediate answer. his follow-up earned a small sigh.
i only regret that i fell in with the saints in the first place. which was the raw truth of it all. had she not, things would be wholly different. she wouldn't have akashingo or pharaoh or this upcoming marriage; maggie would not be near death, and her own life would not be threatened.

but it doesn't matter. she did not mean to sound defeatist. she was not; her chin raised, a chill embedded in her gaze. what's done is done. i cannot undo my choices.

The woman’s words resonated with Crowfeather in a way he had not expected them to.

When he had first run from the Starsea and vanished into the unfamiliar wilderness, the dark wolf had felt positively riddled with regrets. He had not understood how difficult life was, not when he had spent his youth in the structure of the clan. As he had starved and slithered further from his home, Crowfeather had grown to resent his fearful nature and the choices that had carried him away.

Crowfeather looked to Satsu with a small smile, one that did not seem as though it should have been on his lips. The seer bowed his head softly, wishing that he could assure her, wishing that he could wipe away all uncertainties and fear from the girl’s mind. He knew that it could not be so, but he wished it all the same.

Maybe you cannot undo a choice, but you can always make a new one, the shadow said softly. It was never too late to cheat fate, he thought only to himself.

satsu is quiet after hearing him.
she wonders about what choices lay in wait for her.

what could she do to change her fate? now that she was to be queen, now that akashingo and its people depended on her to be the level head, while pharaoh gave in to his frivolities at every turn? nyra waited in the shadows with her nanban warriors; the choices had already been made.

do you think it is the wrong choice? she asks him,
my marriage to pharaoh.

The dark wolf had found that he had grown increasingly worried each time someone asked for what he thought, regarding any subject, really. It wasn’t as if Crowfeather did not have thoughts on these matters, but he failed to see how his word carried any importance in the lives of others. What did a princeling from a faraway clan know of arranged marriage or political agreements? Very little, he was not afraid to admit as much.

Crowfeather’s lantern eyes fell to the earth and remained there.

I do not think it is for me to say. I think- I think you deserve to be cared for. I think you should have a husband who loves you, really truly loves you, because you are kind and you are deserving of these things, Satsu. The dark wolf felt his cheeks grow warm after speaking these words. Crowfeather did not want to seem as though he was pushing her in one way or another. She had only asked what he had thought of her promised marriage to the lapis-eyed ruler.

But you have been the only one to live your life, so only you know what is best for you. If Pharaoh is good to you, Satsu… then it will not be a mistake. Or so he prayed.

satsu did not know what she expected him to say, or if it truly mattered. only that he was a friend and her friends were rare, so they were treasured. crowfeather was treasured in a way that satsu could not put in to words.
his answer reflected what she felt deep inside; that her marriage should be built out of love rather than convenience or politics, and that she should be with someone of high calibre. it was also a notion that seethed of naivety to ascendant.
was it so bizarre to have two thoughts on one subject? that of the girl satsu, also that of the woman she was becoming — mirrored here before her within crowfeather, as if he too was raised upon fanciful stories of chaste princesses and knights of the round.
in satsu's world she would have been betrothed to someone older than ramesses, likely a warlord or the son of a warlord, or an esteemed samurai in service to a worthy daimyo. her pairing would not have been her choice — her father would have been careful in his scrutiny but not careful enough, as daughters were meant for political games.
in this way satsu thought she had out-done her own father. she had made her choice and given her word to pharaoh.
that said, crowfeather's vision warmed her heart.
he is good to me. satsu admitted; more for herself than for the boy, as if this was only now dawning upon her. she would not go in to specifics of their arrangement but, oddly enough, the conversation had alleviated some of her sorrow and stress.
she thought warmly of ramesses' strange ways.

Satsu’s response softened the dark wolf. Crowfeather breathed a gentle sigh, pleased to know that his friend was cared for, that she was tended to in a way that was acceptable. To have two feelings on a subject was familiar to him, for he felt relieved to know that Satsu was not in any real danger and envious of the gestures of love she had been shown. It was not fair to compare their lives, but he could not help but to ache with a longing for love, for himself.

Then that is all that matters, the seer said to her with a small smile. That, and that you are happy.

All the love in the world could not generate happiness where none existed. Crowfeather did not know many things about love. He had never really had to navigate such a terrain. The thought of sharing feelings with another was almost embarrassing, and yet he knew that such emotions were not foreign to him. They were never far from his surface when he stood near Germanicus.

Should we go and find something to eat maybe? It would be good to share a meal with Satsu in a place of peace.

an offer to dine brought a smile to satsu's tapered features. she had not been hungry, not been thinking about food at all, as duty to the injured overwhelmed her.
yes, please, it would be good for her to eat something. better yet, to spend some more time with her friend. the rest of the tidying could wait until after.
sweeping steps had satsu journeying from the cache of plants, drawing crowfeather along, so that they could make their way to a quiet meal together.