Redsand Canyon I can change a tire on the side of a road

I know we have another but this can be quick <3 just something I wanted to get up before things move too much

It wasn’t hard for Fennec to guess how the next few weeks would go. She didn’t know what she dreaded more; Germanicus returning and telling the truth or him returning and choosing her, forcing her to wonder if he was being honest with himself or with her.

She couldn’t compete with love. And if the choice was ever going to be her then he wouldn’t have gone in the first place. There would have been no choice to make.

She had promised to wait. But if he chose what she suspected, she needed to know what came next. She had no desire to lead this place; her title had only ever been to stand beside him.

She’d done so many things for him. And again her attempts, her sacrifices, were repaid by disloyalty and a relationship built on a foundational lie. That the entire thing had been doomed from the start.

She wasn’t sure if she could get past this even if he chose her. She had only ever asked for one thing - and he’d lied to her face when promising it. Over and over again.

She needed to speak with @Killdeer. Fennec sought him out on her return from Epoch, both to check in and to ask him a question. She knew what she wanted to do… but she didn’t know if he would see it as a gift or a betrayal. It was hard to guess at anything anymore.

He was there in nearly a flash, having abandoned some of his daily patrols in the absence of Germanicus (despite orders otherwise). He felt the ground shifting beneath him, and knew that, if push came to shove, he would follow his mother. No matter what.

Ma, Killdeer greeted her upon their meeting, nuzzling her cheek. How are you?

Stupid question. She was shitty. It all seemed shitty. But he hoped to make it less shitty, and was curious to see what she brought him this day.

She laughed a little at his question. It wasn’t genuine but it wasn’t directed at him either… just the entire shit situation.

Germanicus is coming back. But I can say pretty certainly it won’t be to pick up where we left off. He’s in love with someone else and I sent him off to get answers. He hadn’t told the pack the full truth but Killdeer deserved to know it.

I didn’t want this. I thought, if he leaves - maybe we could go to Epoch. Or regardless, if that’s something you’d want.

She’d promised Germanicus she would go east with him… but he had made promises to her too. In a choice between a husband who betrayed her and a son who never would, there was little competition to be had. She could make her own choices just as well as he could.

But only if Killdeer wanted it.

He deserved the laugh. It was a farcical question. Nothing was okay. Instead, he drank in her words and called upon his thoughts from before:

Ma, if he's in love with someone else. . .we should go, he insisted. To Epoch, maybe—or we could start our own pack.

His loyalties ran deep-ish to Mereo, but his loyalties to his parents ran far deeper. He'd chosen his path alongside Fennec, and he'd run that course no matter what.

I'd be happy with Epoch, he continued. But what do you want?

What did she want?

She wanted her parents. That was Epoch’s only appeal; she didn’t care about the rest, and from what she’d heard of the leader, she wasn’t even sure they’d get along.

From the star of planning the Emberwood claim, all she had wanted to do was build a home Killdeer would’ve been proud to come back to. The failure had been her breakup, but the real mark of it for her had been that he’d chosen Mereo instead. She didn’t know what trying again would even look like.

All she wanted was to feel like she fucking mattered, for once, to someone who wasn’t obligated to love her. No pack could guarantee her that.

What would the pack be like, if we were to start one? How would you want it to look? The idea was exhausting, but she wouldn’t write it off. Not if he was willing to follow through on it. Building a pack where her son could lead would make it just worthwhile enough to merit consideration… even if she refused to get her hopes too high.

Well. That was something he hadn't ever thought of. His destiny had always been shaped by others. His family at the caldera. Traveling with Caracal. Soldiering here.

How would I want it to look. . . Killdeer repeated, voice trailing off. His tone was soft, but not timid.

In a way, he kind of really wanted this.

Like us, I guess? he said after a moment's silence. You and me, I mean. Wolves who care about each other, who'd protect each other. None of this weird war stuff, or alliances, or whatever—

What he really wanted was his family. All together, in one place. Happy.

It wasn't entirely possible, but maybe they could build an approximation of it.

It wasn’t much to go off of, but it was enough that he sounded earnest. Fennec tried to shrug off some of her overwhelming negativity. She half-managed it.

Finding wolves who care isn’t a strong suit of mine, Fennec replied, unable to resist the slight dig despite the real pain that lay beneath the sentiment. It cut deeper than she cared to admit. It’s a good start, though.

She wouldn’t be the one to kill his dream. If she couldn’t get her shit together for herself then she’d need to do it for him. Epoch can always be a backup, but if it’s something you want… maybe we could travel. Try to find a place that fits.

He smiled ruefully at her remark. I care, he murmured, pressing his nose to her muzzle. I'll always care, I promise.

He was a little choked up by that, and it took a moment for him to voice his thoughts on Epoch. He wasn't keen on the other pack—if they were just an offshoot of Mereo, as he saw them, would they be any different? But there were some souls he cared about there. . .

Ma. . . Killdeer began, a little uncertainly. I don't think I want to live in Epoch. But I do want Towhee and her family and Phox to live with us. Do you—think they'd leave?

She probably knew better than he did. And he was afraid to hear the answer.

I know. That’s not why you’re my favorite, but it’s part of why. She gave him a genuine smile, one that didn’t last long but was clearly purely for him. She had the best kid - and did not fucking deserve him, but somehow managed to cheat and get lucky anyway. When she heard the way his voice caught, she leaned against him, silently letting him know she was listening and there.

She could hear how hard it was for him to say what he did and she hated it. She hated that the Caldera fell apart. She hated that he had to split time between she and Bronco. Between her and Towhee. She hated that she hadn’t asked her mom to come with her originally, and that her stupid selfish cowardice had put them in the situation they were in now.

I don’t know. She didn’t want to lie. Mom’s having kids, and it’s hard to move when they are small. They have each other there, and sometimes it’s complicated. I think she likes it there. This was a new guilt, that realization that she’d probably ruined her son’s happiness by hiding Arcana from her mother. How different would things be if she’d invited Towhee and she had come? Would Killdeer have chosen to stay there too?

Fuck. She was so fucking stupid sometimes.

Fuck.

I’d join Epoch if you wanted to, but I don’t feel the way they do about it. We can always ask them, and even if they can’t come now, we can try to build something they’d want to join when they can. She owed him that. And she owed it to Towhee too, after last time. One fuck up she intended to learn from.

Well, I should hope I'm your favorite, Killdeer said in mock affront, laughing. It lightened what she said next, despite the weight of it. I'm your only kid, he thought to add, but caught himself. There was a reason for that—and they both knew it well.

Stupid Germanicus.

I honestly don't feel like joining Epoch, Ma, he said. We'll ask. And whether they say yes or no, we'll figure it out. Find somewhere nice.

And if Towhee said no, she was dead to him.

Kidding. Kind of.

Her mind went to the same place, but like him, it wasn’t a spot she wanted to dwell. She’d tried to make the most of it and not let her disappointment affect him, but she knew he was aware. She was glad that he didn’t have to carry the same disappointment; Fennec could tell that he didn’t mind the idea, but also that his heart wasn’t set on them. He’d found siblings in other places, and she felt guilty knowing the kids Towhee had (and that she resented, shittily) were one of them.

Was it awful that it made her feel worse about it? At least she knew it was fucked up that she felt insecure over her mom being more of a mother to Killer than she was. Better than back when she hadn’t and instead walked around Towhee with a stick up her ass.

Sounds like a plan. Things can always change. For mom and for us. She wasn’t convinced herself that they’d share a pack again that wasn’t Epoch, but look how fast Mereo had self destructed. Nothing was permanent. At least a home they made was one they’d be in charge of keeping.

fine to fade this here! Feel free to post again or archive if you like <3