Moonspear I lose myself tonight

Two weeks ago Wraen had returned to Moonspear with an otter's head in tow, but since it had been nighttime and no one was around to greet her and receive the trophy, she had found a good spot to hide it. With an intention to return to it the next day and bring it to the kids to play with. However, as it often happens, something else happened and she forgot about it entirely. Until today, when she - having had her share of traveling around - had decided to take a week off and hang around the territories. 

It had snowed now and then, therefore it was impossible to recover the scent trail, but, when she arrived to the supposed hiding spot, she realized that remembering by sight was difficult as well. Apparently hiding something by a tree in a place, where there were already many trees of similar size and shape, was not a wise thing to do. But Wraen was not going to give up easily, therefore after measuring the area she had to cover, she began to walk from tree to tree, sniffing the ground along the way, searching for her lost treasure.

hope you don't mind <3

for once in-- too long, really-- terance had been up at the crack of dawn participating in a patrol. he wasn't in very high spirits, but he was awake, and he didn't feel so heavy. lucky for him, this mood was becoming quite the norm for him. good. he'd told @Rannoch about this-- but only rannoch, no one else needed to know that he had been such a useless sack for so long for... no reason. it still baffled terance, but there was nothing to be done, he supposed. 

he was coming back from his patrol when he picked up his sister's scent. happy to see wraen on any given day, he went after it, finding her sniffing around some trees. curious, a little confused, terance barked his presence and padded up to her. "whatcha doin'?" he asked with a quirky tilt of his head.

Wraen had not seen Terance for quite some time. Properly - that is - the "hi"s and "bye"s they had exchange, when their paths crossed accidentally, did not count. And ever since Rannoch had told her that he had not been doing well and had not told his sister a single thing, she had avoided meeting him face to face alltogether. First she had been angry, then - simply hurt, and decided that, well, if he did not need her, then she would not bother either.

I won't much about the loud musings and angry outbursts she had played out, when on her own far away from the Moonspear, but this outlet proved to have helped her today, when the culprit of it all approached and greeted as if nothing had happened. Wraen gave him a superficial look, a small smile and after a rather indifferent -  "Looking for stuff." - went on with her business.

wraen's response was chipper-- like it usually was-- but she didn't offer terance much other than that... he stood quietly for a moment, excepting some sort of explanation, though his sister went about her business without giving him much to work with. his ears splayed at this event, though he tried not to make a big deal about it, perhaps she was just really focused. 

truthfully, it didn't occur to terance that wraen could be upset with him. 

"what's stuff?" he asked, nose twitching as he too tried to pick up the scent of something out of place-- though like wraen, terance found nothing interesting mixed with the wet scent of snow... or nearby wolves.

"Important stuff," Wraen said and glanced over at Terance from the corner of her eyes, curious to see, how he would react to her "cold shoulder" treatment and was disappointed. Rather than appearing guilty and sad, he looked confused. Taken aback a little, but not enough. She huffed and turned away, sniffing now at the roots of a tall fir tree, though there was nothing valuable there. 

"You can return to guarding, Ter," she spoke again after a while. "Nothing to see or do here for you."

well now terance was a little hurt. was she... mad? at him? he was still confused. his ears held their spot close to his crown, head lowering a little as he caught more and more onto her mood. "well that's not true," he said with a soft wagging of his tail by his hocks, "you're here." terance offered her a broad smile and a hopeful look-- ah, come on wraen, you can't shoot down that charming face.

"what's so important?" he asked, taking a step forward, "i could help."

"Now you care..." she sneered, though in reality Wraen had not wanted Terance to leave and would have felt sad, if he had obeyed, but the anger at him, so carefully contained and hidden in the darkest recesses of her mind, began to seep through and tint every word, action and feeling. Therefore she was annoyed by his persistance to remain here, even if she had simply and plainly said that he was not welcome. 

"I don't see, how you can," she turned around to look him in the eyes. "Because it's an important and secret stuff. And you - of all people know - how not to tell these things to people, who care."

assuming @Rannoch would've told him about their conversation... chan correct me if i'm wrong :o

she was cold, terance realized. not just being petty-- which terance could relate to. her words were sneering, gaze burning and demanding to be met. he held her gaze, though his own posture faltered as guilt set in. and, honestly? terance suddenly felt extremely miserable. but this wasn't something he could run from-- and the yearling was not that great a runner anyway. 

he remember rannoch bringing up his inner turmoil to wraen on mistake-- but the conversation had been quick. truthfully, terance didn't think that she would hold such a grudge against him. he was quite wrong, he realized, as she made a snide remark alluding to his own secret keeping. but he was a little frustrated, now, she didn't have the right to be mad about that. he'd gone through it for weeks... it was his problem, his burden. excuse him for not wanting to burden other wolves-- especially his previous wraen.

"rey..." he muttered softly, tail now stilled, "don't make riddles out of things... just talk to me." he took another step forward, trying to regain some composure. "i only told rannoch... and it wasn't because i wanted to... i just, changed, like, i dunno how to explain it, wraen. i screwed up on one of our patrols and i kind of had to tell him... i didn't want to bug anyone with this."

"And, what do you want me to say?" Wraen asked angrily and stomped her foot.  "Oh, hey, Terance, Rannoch said that you are doing really badly? How are you now???" With all due respect to his best buddy and wise friend, but who was he exactly in the great scheme of things? Why was he so important and trustworthy compared to her? In the end this argument was not about, what her brother had held as a secret, it was about trusting one's family. And in Wraen's eyes he had failed her. 

Except... "Sarah would have known, wouldn't she, if she had been here?" because unlike Wraen she would have felt that something was "off" with Terance long before, she would have pushed, pestered and eventually cornered him, until he would tell. "Spare little, stupid and innocent Wraen and let the grown-ups deal with the stuff, right?"

zues, rannoch seemed real upset about the whole ordeal but terance didn't actually believe him when he said wraen was real upset by it. was he supposed to answer? terance wasn't sure. the answer was yes, he was feeling better... more like himself. but, somehow, he didn't think wraen actually wanted him to tell her-- not now, at least.

and then, according to terance, wraen snapped. 

of course she had to bring sarah into this. what? because he and sarah had more in common? because she was jealous? terance honestly could hardly believe that this was the angle wraen was deciding to take-- and at the same time he completely believed it. "whoa, whoa, whoa, wraen... seriously?" he said, his submissive posture straightening out a bit. his ears, which had glued themselves to his skull, were now angled forward. "stop it with that, you know i don't think of you like that," he added, brows knitting, "and no, i wouldn't've told sarah either. i didn't want to tell anyone! i would've rather just kept this to me." couldn't she see that?

"But she would have found out sooner or later - she knew you inside and out - and you would not keep your mouth shut then," Wraen concluded dryly. Because - yes - she was jealous of Terance and Sarah, the kind of deep and sophisticated friendship they had shared, the kind of she could only imagine about. When she had thought she had had it, her love and affection had been turned down in favor of her older sister. Therefore on the day Wraen had left her family behind, the only consolation was that with Sarah out of the picture, maybe she could become just as good friends with Terance. 

This had not happened - they had begun on friendly and sincere terms, but had drifted apart considerably, until "brother" and "sister" were just another set of words with no deeper meaning. Wraen had craved for acceptance, approval and kinship and believed to be cheated in that respect. Try as she might, she could not replace Sarah, nor be anything like her, and apparently, who she was, was not enough to rely on, to trust in a moment of need. Here she was ready to jump at any opportunity to prove, how much she had changed, how much she cared and was ready to give up, and Terance's stubborn pride made her feel slighted.

"You are a moron," she finally said, her eyes sad and the sound of her voice devoid of anger, but tired. And ironically enough... she had a feeling that in this moment Sarah would have said the same thing.

one of the reasons that this conversation was so left and right was that terance simply didn't think the way wraen thought he did... or maybe he just had never realized it. but in his own mind, terance loved both of his sisters equally. he and sarah always had more in common, but that didn't make wraen any less important to him. the fact that wraen couldn't see that hurt terance deeply, and only made him more stubborn in this conversation. he just didn't know how to argue with her-- they were saying the same things back and forth.

and, truthfully, this hole that he'd been in was probably the cause of their drifting apart. he'd gotten into a similar argument with hydra weeks prior. it was only rannoch who kinda forced him to be out and patrol with him every morning that really saved their own relationship. but terance didn't really catch onto that trend himself, so he didn't bring it up.

"i am not," he responded quietly and, noting the subtle shift in her demeanor, smiled a bit in an attempt to lighten her mood. she was less angry, finally, but sadder-- it made him noticeably less stiff as well. "look... wraen... i know this is important to you, and if it'd been worse i would've come to you but... it just didn't feel big enough to bother anyone with. and i can't answer any of the questions you would've asked-- i still can't. it would've just made you worry-- and no one needs to worry about that, there's so much more important things going on."

Made it private, because some things she is about to say are not meant for the wrong ears. :)

"Like what?" Wraen had never understood Terance's need to put others before him. Maybe a little, when they were under the wing of their parents and it had kind of fit the image of the noble and valiant knight, but here - at Moonspear? Who was here so important to overlook the fact that her brother was not okay? The leaders? Their kids? 

"I never wanted to leave home - never - and I still miss them all, I think about them every day," she began, "I left, because Sa-... I could not get along with Sarah, without you to balance her, she was unbearable. But do you know, what else gave me courage? The fact that I knew that a piece of my home was out there - you were there."

"And - frankly speaking - I don't give a damn about anyone here in Moonspear. I don't really care, if they fight with others over a corpse at their doorstep or how that corpse came to be there in the first place. Half the time I am wondering, what did my mom see in Charon, because he intimidates me and I can't see any qualities in him that would make me want to be a loyal packmate to the core, not just pretending to be one, because that is expected of me," in the back of her mind she realized that she had said too much and if there was anyone here listening, she would face consequences. But Wraen was tired of keeping back, of pretending, and, if this was going to end badly, so be it. 

"You are that one, most important thing in my life, you are my home, Terance, and if you keep shutting me out, then I have no reason to stay here or anywhere else," she finished.

[narrow]

terance was in awe, though not necessarily a good awe. wraen was saying all these things and... truthfully? he could only think of mean things to say. ‘then leave,’ he wanted to say, ‘no one asked you to come find me...’ or maybe a grand ‘then why didn’t you try to be around me? why didn’t you treat me like that?’ or ‘well it’s not my fault i like them better than you!’ terance hadn’t seen much of wraen since she’d come here and as much of that that was his fault? it was just as much her own. 

but this was wraen— not some random wolf. he couldn’t be too hard on her... he just didn’t have it in him to be actively mean to his sister. either wraen or Sarah, for that matter... this was serious, not some playful banter. but terance couldn’t control the emotion building up— he was mad. he just couldn’t believe all the words coming out of her mouth. 

“i’m sorry about sarah,” he decided to say, since it was the only string of words he could put together that wasn’t mean. and he understood that problem. “I wish you would’ve told me about her...” he added, kind of feeling like he was in a similar position. if she hadn’t kept all this bottled up, maybe they wouldn’t be in this position. 

“wraen you don’t know how miserable I was without you and sarah. i missed you so much, i dont know what I’d be doing if you hadn’t come. i’m sorry i neglected our relationship.”

“but... you know why i left— and sarah. i wanted to be out in the real world, meet new people do new things... and i found that here. i know they’re sort of rash and all that but hydra and Alya and Lyra are my friends... and rannoch too. i found something here, i care about them. they’re all running around with this war and a murder and my problems are so minuscule... they’re not worth it, wraen. and I’m fine... i really am,” he tried to explain... but maybe he just made it worse. his ears splayed.

"That was between me and her, and is old news," Wraen replied without realizing that at this moment she sounded like Terance herself. And had she thought more about it, she would have seen the similarities between the two situations and understood her brother's reasoning better. Maybe in time she would, but now it pained her to see him overlooking his own issues in the light of bigger, more important events.

Why was it for him so hard to understand that no matter, how small he considered his problems to be, Wraen would always care? Why couldn't he see her as such a close friend as Rannoch? Why hadn't he sought her out - because she had been there waiting for him to call, while fearing to make that first step, because he was the serious one, he was out there making a true man out of himself, being loyal, making history - she did not want to interrupt. 

And all of a sudden Wraen was back in that beautiful summer evening, when for the first time in her life she had confessed her love for someone. He had not felt the same about her and it was clear that this would not change over time. There was a striking resemblance between him then and Terance now. Her brother loved her as much as he could and yet he could not give her more, or change, who he was, to be someone Wraen wanted him to be.

Time would pass, there would be more secrets to come between them, there would be other people, lovers and mates, and all Wraen could see, was arguments like these repeating themselves. Terance had found a new home here in Moonspear, he worked for the pack, because he believed in their ideals and by insulting every member of the Ostrega family, she had insulted him as well. Wraen - on the other hand - had never really fitted here, she had tried and would continue still to work hard for it, but her heart was not really in it. And putting all her hopes in Terance to make her inner unrest at peace was unfair. He was happy, she was not. End of story. 

"Your problems are never miniscule to me - no matter what," Wraen told him softly. "And it would mean a lot to me, if you shared, what is going on with you. You don't have to carry that burden alone - let me be there for you." 
And though now was the right time to apologize for all the bad things she had said and thought, Wraen could not bring herself to it, therefore she offered an olive branch in her own way: "And to answer your earlier question - an otterhead."

terance smiled softly. even though an apology was much indeed needed-- as he himself had apologized, and he hadn't even seen anything wrong with what he'd done-- he'd let it slide. all three of the red leaf-disarrino children held their own air of stubbornness-- wraen was not excluded. "well, i'll help look," he told her, stepping forward to give his sister a soft nudge to the shoulder, his own olive branch, "and i guess i could tell you what's been going on... no promises it'll make any sense." then again, maybe wraen could explain it. though, terance doubted it, as rannoch could explain what was happening, and terance counted rannoch as one of the smartest wolves he'd ever met.

"so, after that bear attack i started to feel real... dull. not like boring dull, but like all my senses were just shutting down. nothing really excited me or interested me. i had no motivation-- you remember when i feel down through the ranks? that was prolly' the worst of it. and like, i really don't know why." that was as lengthy of an explanation as he could give her. maybe she wanted more? probably, it was wraen they were talking about, after all. but terance just hated blubbering on like this, it was so stupid-- why did this even happen? he couldn't say. "i couldn't focus, either, which is why i ended up telling rannoch. i think i zoned out through half of his stories on patrols-- i had to tell him or i just looked like a douchebag who didn't care about his friend," he added, which gave him a small realization, "guess i didn't piece together i was probably doing that to you too... huh... but, anyway, i wasn't sad. i know what sad feels like, and that wasn't it. and nothing was happening to me to make me feel this way, it was just this strange... cloud. i dunno."

that was about all he could think to say-- though he'd answer any and all of her questions. boy did he hate talking about this. "i'm better now, i don't know where it went or why... but it's not bad anymore."

"Amazing - it is located under one of those one hundred trees and I checked," she looked over Terance's shoulder to count. "Those five. It looks like a frozen head looks like with half spine attached to it." So far about the explanations. Now that all was said and done (though some things she would later wish she had not said) it was surprisingly easy to walk beside her brother and talk to him. And to those, who would see the two from afar, they would notice that the girl was beaming. 

"You sound a lot like mom on her bad days," Wraen said after a long moment of silence, which was spent pondering over, what he had already revealed. During their travels Osprey had not been very well - pregnancy and famine had taken a hard toll on her - and there had been weeks, when she had seemed to be disconnected from the world, her gaze weary and blank at times. But after a while it would pass and she would be the cheerful, happy and involved mother figure again. This had lasted until early last year, when she made a recovery. 

"Too bad she didn't talk much about it - she would know, what to do," though Wraen was not so sure. Maybe Osprey just the same way as Terance never understood, what had happened to her. "You are not feeling like dying or suicidal or something?"

terance gave a quick glance over his shoulder. yikes, that was a lot of searching to do. he gave his sister a look, eyebrow raised with a small smirk. "you didn't think that through too well, didja?" he teased. and then, wraen said something that surprised terance. truthfully, he'd forgotten about that whole ordeal... had he even noticed until wraen brought it up now? surely he had... though terance had spent a considerable amount more time with dante than he had with osprey-- perhaps it'd just flown over his head until now. 

maybe this was a genetic thing? that was all terance could think of now-- but he didn't voice that thought. instead, he was quiet for a little while, sniffing at a tree to his right. "nah, nothing like that. just like... not moving all day. disconnected, i guess," he answered with a small smile. he'd consider suicidal a much bigger problem-- he probably would've sought out help at that point. as an afterthought, terance said, "i hope osprey's okay."

"It was a perfectly good spot and I remember thinking - o-o-o-oh! This is the best hiding place ever - at that point," she explained and as it happened with all people, who at least once in their lifetimes had thought that "I will definitely remember, where I put it" and forgot about it entirely. Forgot even that they had written the hiding place down. "Plus, there is a chance that someone stole it."

"And you said that Rannoch brought you back," Wraen could not recall the exact words, because she had not been exactly listening at that point. "Or... how did it stop? Was it just gone one day - poof - and nothing?"

terance gave a little huff of amusement. he could relate to that, pretty strongly too. but that was besides the point. at her second comment, his ears perked. "actually, the triplets collect skulls," he informed her, giving his sister a sideways glance as he pawed at the snow at the base of a tree-- no skull there-- "they might've picked it up not knowing it was yours." in his mind, terance could see the cerberus assuming most of the mountain as their own... a what's yours is mine complex, but not the other way around. 

terance didn't remember saying that exactly, but now that wraen said it he actually kind of saw it. "i dunno if i... uh... well i dunno. rannoch just got me up every morning to patrol-- which was good i think because otherwise i would just lay there all day. i still felt shitty but ya know, i was up and moving,"  he told her, shrugging slightly. and then, with a dip of his nose, terance shrugged again. "it was gradual. like some days i wouldn't feel so numb, or i could get up before rannoch came and got me. some days it was really bad, and i made rannoch let me stay in-- sometimes he just sat with me. but i think over time i just felt better, not sure it's gonna just stop... but... it's better." god, this was so much talking.

"Well, it was not a skull - it was a head. I and some other stranger caught an otter together and shared it as well," Wraen clarified. "And I took it back for the kids to have something to play with, though I have to admit - I would have loved to have a good chew on it as well." Even if it had ended up in Cerberus' lair or wherever they kept their treasures, she did not mind that much. 

"Then... maybe the thing is to get up and going, even if you don't want to?" Wraen mused, though her knowledge about medicine and treatments was limited to the very basics. "Since I have been scouting a lot lately - getting out of Moonspear now and then can give a boost," she wondered, if Terance ever had a break from his guardian/mercenary duties and whether he had traveled as much as she had had. 

"But, what you definitely need is a friend, who can be by your side to help you through the most difficult part - I don't think that you should walk this journey on your own," she finished, thinking that perhaps kids and her mate had been the anchor that had kept Osprey going in the end.

terance nodded, skull, head, all the same. he wasn't sure how long ago she'd buried it, but it could've very well been a skull by now-- scavengers might've picked at it until it was all bone. "always thinkin' about others," terance added in a soft tease-- of course she'd brought it back for the kids. but, like wraen, he too wouldn't've minded a good bone to chomp on.

he and rannoch had talked about that, actually. in fact, they'd mostly narrowed down why he was feeling better to that. but, all the same, it felt nice to hear wraen have an answer for it as well... made him feel more solid, better grounded.

"how is that?" he asked, shifting the conversation a little, "scouting... i mean. i try to dip out every now and then for some fresh air but i'm not so into the actual trade. is it suiting you?" 

"i have plenty of those," he added softly, a gentle smile curving the edges of his lips. he leaned over and nudged wraen as well-- he appreciated her too, even if lately it didn't seem like it.

"That's what I let people think about me," Wraen replied, bumping her hip against his playfully. A truly selfless deed was hard to find, because either it made the doer to feel good or they did it in order to please karma and get a similar favour at times of need. 

"Traveling is interesting, but it is quite impractical to do it just for the sake of seeing the world," she shared her view of the trade, now that she had got a taste of it. "Meeting other people is great, but hunting is even better. I like to combine both trades - they compliment each other nicely."

"You do," Wraen replied. "But you are not good at showing those friends that you too have weaknesses."

secretly, terance wondered if anyone actually did just travel to simply see the world. he'd traveled to see the world, he supposed, but he had a destination in mind-- he wasn't just wandering aimlessly. "that sounds impractical," he decided to go say, wondering if wraen had any other comments on that-- maybe she met some wolves who were literally wandering for the thrill of it. "i met some cool wolves out of the territory," he then added in agreement, thinking on ivy and meara specifically. but all the same, terance's place was inside the scent marks, and he was more than content with that. 

his nose dipped and he smiled meekly. "they know i'm not perfect." 

"Do they?" Wraen asked with a sincere smile. Despite what Terance said, one could not read him like an open book. He was more like the diary with a lock type. If he wished, he let you in, if he did not wish you to see, then you would have no idea that there was anything wrong with him. But she did not want to bring up their earlier argument. Terance was, who he was, and there was nothing you could do to change that. 

"Well, Mr. Not-Perfect - how about we waste less time talking and do some useful stuff?" she changed the subject swiftly, stretched and prepared for action. She had given up on looking for the otter head and decided that it would be a lot easier and more fruitful to get a new one. "Do you have enough spunk for a hunt?"

Fade in your next post? Great thread, lots of character development. :)