Moonspear that’s just who i am this week.

Meanwhile.

”Why are there so many noisy fucking birds here…” Penn Blackthorn grumbled as he shifted restlessly on the ground, lifting his paws over his head to cover his ears. Penn, unlike his friend on the opposite side of the mountain, was not at all interested in counting bird songs. The only allure to it was so he’d have a better idea just how many he needed to kill before he’d get to silence he so craved that morning.

He had been out late the night before, as he had every night since joining Moonspear’s ranks, sacrificing sleep to hunt and explore and learn all he could of the mountain. He had yet to claim some sort of den for himself, though he had never really been one for it. The closest he’d come was his little nook under the fallen palm in the grove. But that had been necessity, not want drawing him to it. He preferred to sleep under open skies whenever possible, but he did like to have his own patch of ground.

It wasn’t until the sky slowly began to transform from dark charcoal to a hazy, chalky blue that Penn decided to give it up. He stood and stretched his limbs as far as they would reach, then began to trek a somewhat familiar path to a creek he knew flowed nearby.

shameless - it was this or the fig one and the fig one makes no sense (but I STILL WANT IT)

Fennec had ignored her family’s calls when Caracal came to visit and if asked, she’d easily blame it on an adjustment period and move on. The truth was, she was isolating, and being around no one was easier right now.

Unfortunately her method was “learning the mountain” and it was hard to avoid someone who seemed dead set on doing the exact same thing. Gee, thanks for that, Penn. Still - she could have avoided him. She heard him from a ways away.

She was by the creek when he came upon her, taking a break from having walked one of the other paths that led to it. Everything here took her ages still, since it was a mountain and all (every step a potential death trap?) but as long as she wasn’t stupid the place wasn’t all that dangerous. The wolves who lived here had clearly picked the most habitable spot on the slope.

Hey. She didn’t bother getting up, but she did turn her head to somewhat face him. She meant to follow it up with something, but nothing came. Well, shit. It wasn’t usually a thing she had to worry about, knowing what to say, but none of the things actually on her mind were ways to start a conversation. Yeah, weird, okay? But she didn’t really want to kick this off jumping down his throat about shit.

She wanted company. She just didn’t really know how to do company anymore. Or friendship. Or… fuck. Any of it.

I battle myself daily not to just ship Fig straight here ;_;

Penn hadn’t expected to see her. He hadn’t seen her really since they’d settled, and while he’s mostly considered himself indifferent to that fact, the way his heart stuttered when he heard her greeting made him realize he wasn’t so indifferent after all. He paused to search for her, spotting her blonde frame draped casually upon the landscape. He smiled at the sight of her, his lips parting to greet her before he paused at the random thought that popped into his head.

”Let’s go swimming!” Penn said, enthusiasm bubbling in his voice at the idea. He had no idea where there was a lake or a pool around here large enough for such an activity, but that didn’t dissuade him. With the warming weather, there had to be water flooding down from the snowy peaks and collecting somewhere around here. Even if it was just this trickle of a creek to splash in, it sounded like a good time to him.

#soon

Okay, what? Where did that come from? She considered it for a moment, flummoxed, not entirely sure she wanted to. She was chilling here. She liked chilling here because no one was bothering her and she wasn’t annoyed trying to navigate.

I might pass on that. Not sure where we even could. She was a buzzkill. Nothing about this place was fun and for some reason she felt like that was the way it needed to be. Maybe because it was when a place started feeling too home-adjacent that shit always hit the fan.

Knock yourself out though? He’d probably meet someone in the process.

Penn wasn’t surprised in the least when she rejected his invitation. He’d figured out in the road that Fenn had apparently lost all interest in things like joy or happiness. Penn didn’t know what to make of it, but he didn’t spin his wheels too much over it. It was what it was, and he was what he was. He would handle it his own way.

”Oh, that’s just silly,” Penn said with a smirk and a shake of his head, ”Suit yourself though.”

With that, he turned and closed the couple of yards remaining between himself and the creek. At its deepest, the creek was perhaps three to four inches deep and only two or so Penn-lengths wide, give or take. Not really ideal for swimming, but that was just fine for the Blackthorn. With an eager little yip, Penn hopped on in and began to splash about—dancing here and there like a puppy, sometimes dropping into the water and rolling to splash it all about himself.

Of course he took her up on her word because he was Penn and that was what Penn did. She didn’t know how he could be so happy.

Correct that. She didn’t know what the fuck had happened to her, because for some reason, it felt like she could barely feel anything. Something in her was dead and unless she could figure out how to revive it she was stuck here, like this, miserable and incapable of whatever it was he was doing.

She should probably just go. She didn’t know he meant here. And listening while she had no interest in participating wasn’t exactly her idea of a good time. Maybe she could find another place to chill alone.

She got up and began to leave without a word, making her way slowly up the path she’d scaled to come down here.

Penn rolled onto his belly and took a few long draughts of water before he pushed himself up onto his haunches and looked round for Fenn. She had stood and started heading into the trees, away from him. He watched her for a moment, considering whether he ought to let her go—She hadn't seemed interested in his chosen pastime and he'd made it clear he intended on pursuing the activity regardless. Still, he opted to be a pest about it and cantered off after her.

"So, since when do you hate swimming?" Penn asked as he trotted up alongside her, his fur damp and dripping, but his smile fixed in place.

Fennec didn’t answer right away. She’d never been big on swimming, especially when she didn’t know the water she was getting into, but she knew that wasn’t the reason he was asking. Things were different.

There’s no point. He was better off leaving her alone, and she couldn’t even explain why that was. None of it felt worth the effort anymore. What was the use when it was always a fucking waste of time anyway?

She didn’t know what was wrong with her, let alone how to ask for help or even if that would make a difference. Just go. Swim. Have a grand fuckin time with it. Leave me alone.

Penn quirked a brow, confused by her response. There was no point in swimming? Why did that mean she didn’t want to do it? There had never been much point in most things they had done back in the day, but they did them anyway. The whole point had been to do things there was no point doing. They were fun.

Before he could question her on it, she shot another barb at him, telling him to go away. Penn rolled his eyes this time, but didn’t let his irritation slip into his demeanor. She could cart her dark cloud around above her head all she wanted, he wasn’t getting rained on.

”Nah,” Penn said with a shrug, letting silence fall as he continued to walk alongside her.

The barest flicker of irritation before she gave up. Penn never did the smart thing before. Some things never changed.

So suddenly you have nothing better to do than follow me around. Why now? This line of questioning led nowhere productive but that didn’t really matter because she was asking it anyway. She wondered if he would go if she honestly and actually tried to make him. Maybe it was worth finding out.

Penn expected her to ignore him entirely for a lot longer, but he determined that he'd underestimated just how much he annoyed her. He wasn't sure if it was a good sign or not. He still had no idea what she actually thought about him—she had quite the blackbelt in mixed signals. So, since she got pissed when he was around her and pissed when he left, he was just going to keep doing whatever he felt like doing and let her feel whatever way she wanted to about it.

The question did throw him, though. He wasn't sure exactly what she meant by it—whether she meant why was he following her this morning, or why he had decided to follow her now at this point in their lives? He'd thought he'd made the latter clear during their heartfelt reunion. But the former just didn't make any sense to him as a question. So, he opted to take a different route altogether.

"The gravitational pull of your sunny disposition was simply too much for me to resist," Penn answered casually.

That wasn’t an answer and it was full of shit. But at least it showed that he recognized she wasn’t fun to be around. So seriously - why?. She didn’t buy the bit he’d said before, not really. He didn’t even know her anymore. She barely knew herself anymore.

It felt like before, that joke would have helped. Now it just made everything make less sense. She had the opposite of a gravitational pull, and the instant anyone took what they wanted, they were gone. So what did Penn want?

I’m being serious. She replied, her voice smaller for a moment. Maybe you aren’t lying, and you liked who I used to be. How long until you get sick of me now? And what if this is just who I am? Fuck, she hoped not. Whatever this was she was now, it was miserable and she really hoped she could find her way out if it eventually. Even if there was no road clear to her now.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. No one needs to wait around while I figure it out. Least of all him. She’d just wind up dragging him down with her, and when in the end he hated her too, she’d have no one to blame but herself.

His answer hadn't been helpful to her, but it had been to him.

With little preamble, Fennec burst wide open before him. She explained not only her question, but the motivation behind it. Her words were startling, full of self-doubt and loathing. It was sad to see, and infuriating when Penn let himself think about the individual who had done this to her (he only knew about the one). He let her continue, then toned down his own humor to try and match her seriousness.

"Let me just start by clarifying something," Penn said, "I'm not expecting anything from you. I'm here because you're my friend. You were my friend before, you're my friend now and you'll probably still be my friend in the future. I'm not waiting for you to change. I'm not waiting for you to anything. Sure, I like it when you're happy, but we all have our shit that we go through. Who am I to judge you for having a rough time now or ever?"

"And as for how long until I get sick of you, I give it another hour or so," Penn replied, still being honest though he suspected she would think he was joking, "But I'll take a break and then see you later for dinner." He shrugged. Wasn't that just how it worked?

Whatever Fennec expected, it wasn’t that. The instant he started, she knew she was going to cry, but she managed to hold it together until he got to the bit where he said he wasn’t waiting for her to change. That was where she silently lost it and stopped walking while she did so.

Everyone expected her to change. Everyone. With Bronco she’d needed to be more understanding. With Germanicus more respectable. With Killdeer more pulled together, with Towhee and Fig happier. She wasn’t sure she remembered how to just be anymore. And yet in all of the above circumstances, she’d always fallen short, because she was also no good at being something she wasn’t.

Germanicus had been the worst. At least with Bronco she’d known it was coming. With Germanicus she’d thought they were being honest. She’d thought they at least had enough friendship to matter. But even when things were good she couldn’t trust them.

Even now, she wondered if she could trust Penn, but that didn’t stop the tears. She couldn’t reply. She just stood there, silently brimming with embarrassment, but unable to stop. Fuck.

Penn had given up on trying to anticipate what Fenn's reactions to him were going to be quite a while ago. He was always wrong, but that's why he enjoyed being around her so much. Good or bad, the way she responded to him always kept him on his toes. It was what had drawn him to her when they'd first met. It was probably what kept bringing him back time and time again. And it was fortunate that he had because he did not see this one coming at all.

It took him a few heartbeats to even realize what she was doing. The sight of tears in her eyes, sliding down her cheeks was so foreign to him, he didn't believe it for a second. He had realized before she had been banged up and bruised pretty badly, but he suddenly felt like a big ol' dumb ass to see he had underestimated the depth of that hurt by a significant margin.

He didn't know what to do now.

So, once again. He did what he wanted and steadily closed the distance between them to settle onto his haunches beside her. She could lean in and find him right there if she wanted. Alternatively, he was also near enough she could shove him away too. It was up to her, but he touched her ear very briefly with his nose, just so she would know she had some options. He was there.

She barely registered that he had moved until she felt the touch in her ear. It didn’t matter how embarrassed she was, or how much she was definitely never going to live this down later. She immediately turned and buried her face in his chest, pressing against him like she thought he might disappear. Maybe she did.

She didn’t remember the last time she had a friend whose presence wasn’t tied up on strings. Even the ones who she thought were there for her, they all had bigger things driving them, things that always seemed to pull them away. Even Fig; maybe not now, but someday he’d have found a family. Someday he’d have moved on. She didn’t need to be the biggest thing in anyone’s life. She was only tired of feeling left behind when it felt like what she had to offer wasn’t enough to merit a sustained relationship. No one ever checked on her. No one ever visited her.

She’d felt alone longer than she could describe, and Penn’s statement had been perfect in a way she couldn’t really vocalize right now. So she cried it out against him instead.

She didn’t even really care if he made fun of her after. Because he was there, and he didn’t need her to be anything she wasn’t, and for the first time in a long time things felt a little more normal.

Penn rested his head gently on hers when she moved towards him, tucking her safely in against him. His mind raced with things he ought to say or do to help her feel better, but he resisted the temptation. He knew from experience that sometimes you just needed to feel really shitty. Saving space for feeling shitty was the only way to feel better.

So, he let her cry. Even thought he felt bad. Even though he felt awkward. Even though he wanted to rescue her. He just let her cry until he sensed her slowing, at which point, he was a total Blackthorn.

”Does this mean you don’t want to meet up for dinner later?” he said quietly, testing the waters.

She'd needed the hug almost as much as she'd needed to cry, and she cried herself out into him without pulling away. She was glad he waited to speak until she was finished, and she'd expected some smart remark about her being emotional over stupid things. Instead it was a light callback to the previous conversation.

She felt completely drained and, yet, weirdly better. Like some of the weight she'd been carrying around had lifted. It was probably temporary, and eventually she'd reckon with it, but right now the relief was all she wanted to focus on.

Only if you're sick of me. She replied without bothering to pull away, her voice still thick from crying. It might have come off as self-deprecating if she didn't follow it up with a rejoinder immediately. I thought I got at least an hour.

Penn was relieved to hear her joke back with him. It felt like forever since they’d been able to talk like this, without tension or conflict. He smiled at her words, a soft chuckle rumbling from his chest. Like her, he didn’t pull away just yet. He was rather enjoying this.

Another wolf might have taken advantage of the moment to say something sweet and romantic. Penn was neither of those things, though. ”Oh, I will definitely get sick of you, but I guess I can hang in there a while longer” he reassured her, ”Besides, you have only had like ten minutes of me. I suppose it would be cruel to deprive you of the last fifty.”

Not everyone has the tolerance for bullshit that I do. I get it, that you might need a break. She huffed a single quiet laugh and took the opportunity to pull herself together a little more, ducking down to brush her muzzle against her forelegs. Stamina like mine takes a while to build up.

That was a bit of a joke with the way she’d been acting in recent days, but he could call that out at his own risk. (Maybe she’d own it, maybe not.)

It felt good to want to joke again. There was no telling if this mood would stick, but knowing he could actually be there, and that he planned on accepting her no matter how she came, made it feel a little more like old times. She still wasn’t sure what made him choose right now to do it, but she could live with better late than never.

”Yeah, I think I’m okay with you winning that argument,” Penn said with a huff of laughter, ”I like to think I had a little something to do with that stamina of yours, though.” He didn’t think his was on the same level as some of the other bullshit she’d been dealt in her life (at least he hoped not, dear lord), but still. He’d at least been her first dealer, right?

Much as he was enjoying the moment, Penn was a restless creature and was quickly feeling as though he’d been sitting still for too long. Trying not to be too abrupt about it, he stood slowly and inched back a little so he could give his coat a shake without jostling her too much. Of course, he did forget entirely that he was still wet from his “swim”. Probably would’ve been good to remember beforehand so he avoided giving Fenn a bit of a shower.

Fennec stepped away when he started to even though she wasn't ready just yet. She wasn't sure when she would have been and she didn't need him getting the wrong idea. Or, really, the right one. He wasn't wrong when he gave himself credit for some of her tolerance, and she took it for the joke it was, but silently she knew the truth. He'd been her first real heartbreak.

Things had changed since then, and a lot of years had passed, but there were some things that maybe never changed. Selfishly she wasn't sure she could make the same promises he had just a few moments ago. If his old tendency to shut her out, or brush things off, hadn't disappeared then she wasn't sure she could keep doing this to herself.

Fennec tensed as the water hit her abruptly, shattering her train of thought. Her expression went really? As she flicked an ear in his direction, huffing out a semi-annoyed breath at the same time. That's my cue. Now I'm leaving and you are definitely bringing me dinner.

After this whole interaction, she wasn't sure about any of the feelings she was feeling, and having a little time to sort that out might do her some good.

Her abrupt decision to take off took him by surprise, but it didn't take him too long to figure out what had instigated it. He gave a sheepish grin, but decided not to apologize. She was the one who'd decided to go in and snuggle against his wet fur for a while there. Did she really have a right to complain now that he'd gotten her wet?

"Leaving! But you have forty-five minutes left!" Penn replied in mock incredulity, "Stamina, my ass." He shook his head, but he didn't mind in the least. He didn't take it personally.

"Hope you like frogs for dinner," he said as he began to head out, bumping his shoulder lightly into hers as he passed by. He hesitated for a moment beside her, wondering for a brief moment if maybe this was actually one of her random tests and she was going to be pissed if he did leave so easily. He would let her walk first, then be on his way.

She felt apprehension as he called her out, but it faded when he was clearly joking. She was fine when they were the way they had been, but now the hug was done and the talking was the focus, and talking wasn't something she felt up to so soon after a breakdown. Not for long enough that it might come around to feelings again.

If that's all you can manage to catch, I guess I'll live. She retorted, flicking her tail as she turned to leave. She wouldn't notice him hesitate and didn't do so herself; she wanted to take a breath and sort through what the fuck just happened and what kind of fallout it might have.

Nothing good, if history had anything to say about it.