Fairspell Meadow Don't tell me I'm too hard to please

Fennec had needed another break. Just a short trip away, a few days to think and to try to sort out the disaster her life had become. Towhee had tried to help before the attack, but even without that... it had only hammered home, even more, that the things Fennec wanted weren't things she was going to get to have.

Then the attack, and with it, another reminder. All she wanted was to feel important - wanted, at least, if not needed. But as much as Towhee and Phox tried, they were her parents. It was different from them, and there were things she wouldn't ask for from Killdeer. Couldn't ask for.

There were two times in recent memory she'd felt it, and those times were drifting further into the span of years. The first was the day her son was born; the second was the day Bronco had asked her to form a pack with him.

Fennec reached out a paw and played with the rough grasses in front of her. She was lying near the center of an open meadow, mostly hidden by the golden autumn growth. Maybe that was the thing that had her the most scared out of all of this. She was starting to realize that it didn't matter how hard she chased that feeling - it wasn't something that could be caught.

It had to be given.

If she didn't have it, then what did she have? It was the only thing she'd ever found that gave a relationship meaning, that was capable of convincing her what was there might be real enough to risk hoping it would last. She had none of that security in Mereo outside of her family. And she certainly had no personal relationships with any kind of permanence.

You could ask. Fennec needed answers, or at least some sort of direction. She didn't remember ever bothering to do a reading for herself before but now she was just desperate enough to be willing to try it. The worst she could get was an answer she didn't want - but she already had more than enough of those. What was one more?

What do I do now?

She listened and she waited, but for a while, nothing happened. For a moment she considered quitting - this was stupid- but she couldn't bring herself to get up. The longer she sat there, the more the thoughts came. She should be happy, but she wasn't. She had family, a son, and a place in a pack with security and with respect at the very least. Things were peaceful... safe. And she chafed at it.

Safe had never suited her. Quiet, and peace, hadn't either. She was caught in a trap of her own making and held there by the expectations of others as well as herself. All of her decisions in the last few years had been mistakes and, one by one, they'd burned her life to the ground. Fennec pressed her paw to the dirt, snapping a twig beneath it as the frustration took her. Bronco was her past. Motherhood... family. The life of a "stable caretaker". Did she even really, honestly want it? Or did she just want the feeling it gave her - that feeling of being wanted? Needed.

Fennec's head snapped around as a raven croaked nearby. It sounded as if it was joined by at least two others, clicking and krrrking at one another as they investigated her from a distance. She didn't move.

She didn't want safe. She wanted to feel alive again and like she was worth something to herself. She missed knowing all of the answers because she'd convinced herself they were simple. She missed making strangers believe and wearing different faces without the guilt of the things she was running from. She missed being in charge of her own life. She'd been strong, once.

Maybe she didn't need to leave to start over. Perhaps all it took was realizing she didn't need to ask anyone but herself for permission.

As Fennec got to her paws, the ravens took off with a combined cry. She followed at a slow run, letting them lead her wherever they would. She trusted them to know where they were going.

Heart: 9 of cups
Opposing: 6 of wands
Root cause: the tower
Past: father of pentacles
Goal: ace of pentacles
Future: heirophant
Self: the emperor
External: daughter of pentacles
Hopes/aspirations: the magician
Outcome: ace of cups

Is it okay to reply? I'll try to match!

The pharaoh had gone away with his new bride, which meant postponing the visit to Mereo and the training of the crown prince. This meant Nazli was left to do her usual routine of duties: cleaning, mostly; tending to Makono's needs and helping out the priests with their rituals, as needed.

Lately she had been given leave to explore the meadow, more and more. It wasn't truly a break from her work - she still had an escort from the mazoi, and she still had a long list of requests to accomplish. Yet as the hours wore away, Nazli found comfort in the new space, attuned to the strengthening scents of autumn as they overpowered everything. She took her time to gather flowers, or check herbs; sometimes she found seeds, too, which she added to her collection.

More often she could roam far from the guard. The meadow felt safe. She rarely encountered other living things - birds, mostly. A trio of ravens croaked nearby and Nazli paused to listen; then they flew nearby. Not so near she could see them, but enough to hear the wssssh of the air across their wings.

Her mind wandered to more serious things. Senmut, Makono, Jawahir - expectations, mostly. A certain level of fear accompanied her thoughts, staved off by Nazli's own willpower. These could make good honey, she murmured over some seeds, then: Oh, this herb might work for Tavina! Gathering, focusing, doing her best to be useful.

The ravens came again - closer - and there was a glimpse of something golden. Nazli froze for a moment and dropped the bundle she had been fashioning, and then sighed something under her breath when she saw the seeds scatter - Oh, bother!

There was someone there. Fennec didn't notice them until she heard a voice, but it was soft (and far enough away) that it didn't startle her. She was already on alert as she moved into somewhat unfamiliar territory - all of her senses were on edge for whatever might materialize at her feet.

The ravens wheeled as she slowed down momentarily and one let out an impatient caw. She flicked an ear sideways, then decided against stopping entirely. She was guessing there was food at the end of this trail and she wanted to check out what the birds had found. It had to be something they couldn't get into themselves.

Whoever it was could follow if they wanted, she supposed, and she kept her ears open for the sound of a tail. She wasn't about to let them chase her away from whatever prize she might find, but depending on how big it was, she might be willing to share.

Having exhausted her search for viable flower heads to pluck, or seeds that might be useful if planted, the only option was to move on. She had lost most of the various seeds she had plucked after her blunder and was flustered by the failure, as well as disheartened. If she was going to succeed in her self-imposed quest to diversify Akashingo's honey supply, she had to try harder.

The call of the raven sounded again. The girl had forgotten the birds. She had stopped thinking about the flash of gold she had seen after losing the seed pile. Her mind was too busy; and soon Nazli's path followed the distant sound of the raven's wings without awareness. She wandered through the woods with her attention upon the piled leaves, and only looked up when her route was impeded by a stump, or an incline. On at least two occasions she was distracted by the sound of wind rushing through the boughs of the trees.

Unbeknownst to Nazli, she was upon the trail of the golden witch - plucking things as she went, however blind to everything else.

Someone or something was following her. She became more sure the longer they traveled - and after a stretch of time Fennec turned to wait, whirling and standing in a stiff pose with her fur spiked about her shoulders.

If they meant to cause problems, she wanted to deal with them before they had the food in range. She wasn't about to lose this scavenge because some asshole couldn't do their own recon.

Fennec lashed her tail a couple of times behind her impatiently, focused forward while she waited for whoever it was to catch up and stumble within range. She'd send them on their way shortly.