Redtail Rise etude

I know you've got lots goin on right now, so no rush! This can hang out however long, or we can do another some other time. Apparently I just get 4am Ashlar moods

No matter how hard Ashlar tried to find the words to put in a song, he failed. They were wrong, or felt insincere, and he slowly began to realize the problem as he recognized the undercurrent below his guilt. All of the words he tried were apologies - yet he had nothing to apologize for.

She had been clear from the start with the things he wanted, and with the things she wanted from him. He had given her everything he had known to, and if she had wanted more, she should have clarified. He would not hang his head because someone had asked what she did not.

He was angry, and this kind of anger was not for songs. So Ashlar would speak with @Avicus instead. He was through punishing himself for the feelings of others, feelings he could do nothing about. He had not lied to her, nor to Chacal, at any point. Whatever resentment they held was their own and if it remained through this, then whatever outcome they chose would be for the best. He needed to speak so that he could be done with it.

Ashlar's call surprised her. she hadn't expected it. she pads slowly, resolutely toward the source, and when she is face to face with the dark-brown wolf, she cants her head, albeit her nose pitched well above his own.

well? her face reads.

she has no clue as to the storm that rages within him.

He could not tell if she was still upset when he approached, but there was no warmth. A part of that could have just been her way, but he stopped where he was and let his tail fall loose. He would say what he needed to say, but he hoped she took it for what it was. It was hard to word it in a way that ensured that.

You should have asked me. He didn't think she would mind the directness. There was no point in traveling around it. He stared at her and fought to keep his voice steady against the nerves. The anger, and the hurt, surprisingly helped with this. You should have known I don't take things. Especially from you. Here was where the edge of hurt crept out most. She was his friend, and yet at every turn, she seemed determined to make him feel less for not being more like them. He had joined under the promise that he was enough.

He needed her to understand. I'll never be like them. If that's what you want, I can only fail. He met her eyes briefly, then averted, breaking the contact deferentially. His voice sounded strange even to his own ears; he felt sure too. Saying things that were true had always been easiest.

There were a number of ways this could go. There were more things he could say but he held them. He wanted to see what she would do.

he speaks her language, for once. assertive. stating clearly what he wants. there's a glint of appreciation in her eyes before she speaks, perhaps sparking off the two of them, creating a metaphorical fire.

we needh' you, she responds, again not grasping his true meaning. heal, 'hh. . .'hhing. 'hhong. you know, she interjects, exasperated at her lack of language.

she wonders if in this world, wolves who could sing and dance and love lived longer. her mother was feral, and had died. her father, the same. she hoped to have her own offspring grow very old. was Ashlar the key?

she shook her head. i would've had you, she said baldly.

He knew. But he wondered, then, what would have happened if he had not learned to heal. Was friendship, and family, a currency that was enough in itself for her? It wasn't a question that meant anything for his own place. But for any children who grew up, if they had happened to be like him, it could mean the difference between a life of acceptance and rejection.

You said the Rise was a place of warriors. It was a place of strength. He still spoke plainly, though with less intensity. It was harder, but Ashlar's discussion with Prophet had put a lot of his thoughts in order. I'm helping build that. But I know where I stand in it. You do too. He didn't accuse her, but he did think she would understand if she only thought about it. It wasn't mine to decide.

Perhaps that was the true unfairness of it all. In this place that she had built, he had striven to make himself a role in it. She'd given him a title, but she had not defined what that meant against the likes of Tulimaq or Prophet or the rest. Ashlar would not have asked her to - he liked having nothing to defend. It was just unfair of her, resenting his hesitance, when his place held little respect to the contrary.

And if they decided they did not want to fight, I would want that to be okay. They should know that isn't all there is. His parents had shown him. Ashlar wasn't sure that it was something Avicus had ever acknowledged before, but he could see it here now. The Rise was far different than the valley had been. It wasn't an army - it was a family. And he would help her children to learn it, if he could, so long as she did not stop him.

Avicus looks at him with absolute consternation in her gaze. he doesn't get it. he never would. his place as healer didn't preclude him from the fight, should it come to that.

would he protect the pups, the other hunters, her, if evil came to their doorstep?

or would he balk, just as he had with that wretched, cache-stealing coyote way back when, when Merrick's evil eye hovered o'er them both?

you don' wanna fighh', she notes; it's not a question. what came next, however, was. why nohh'. . .go? to 'hhapphique. wi' your puphh'. where you wouldn' have'uh fighh'.

why stay? queries her indigo eyes.

she thinks she knows the answer, but she wants to hear it from him again.

and again. and again

It didn't matter her intentions with the question. It struck him in a way that hurt, deeply, with the implication. He'd asked himself that same thing, but with the undertone that perhaps if he would not fight, it meant he was of little use to her and to her goals. Whether she meant to or not, the way she asked seemed to almost confirm this. It came near enough that Ashlar hesitated, quietly stricken.

Because I want you to see another way too. He knew better than to say it. He'd seen a change, one he'd been hoping for from the start. He didn't want her to lead this family to the same destruction the last had found, and while he didn't know if his presence was enough, he knew that he could do nothing if he was not here.

You're my family. You, and Prophet, and Augur. He said softly. They don't need me. The silent implication was that she did, and in spite of what she might think, he believed it was true. If she corrected him now and insisted otherwise, it would be harder to make that argument. I want to be here.

Did Avicus disagree?

well. it isn't quite the groveling, drooling profession of adoration that she perhaps desired, but that's just as well. the lines in her face eased at his words, her stiffened shoulders gradually lowering. tail lowering. eyes not lowering, but fixed on his own gaze, direct.

i wan' you here, Avicus replies simply. i alway'hh have.

then, without warning, she steps forward and arcs her neck over his own, pressing her muzzle into his shoulder. an embrace, but a tight one, as if she were trying to catch water between her paws and terrified of its slipping out.

but water would, eventually, depart.

Ashlar, she thinks, will not.

and she's glad of it.

If she had ever embraced him before, it hadn't been notable like this one. Her words reassured him that he was valued, but the hug was what told him what he truly needed to know. He wasn't simply a tool to her, something that she needed only because he served a purpose. His friendship was valued as well. This was really all he wanted - the rest did not matter nearly so much.

Ashlar pressed in and returned the embrace gratefully, his tail moving unbidden with the quiet joy of it. This was his home and where he belonged. So long as that was true, she would have him.

I'm here. If there's ever anything, I'll try. Just ask. He knew he'd already said as much, but he thought it was right to repeat it, more as a promise than anything else. There might be things he could not do, but even if that were the case, she would deserve the explanation of why. Anything to avoid the misunderstanding of falling short in her eyes.

she nods—once, but firmly, her chin thunking against him. she pulls away and gives him a half-head butt, tail wagging behind her, happy at their mutual understanding. or so she thinks.

whatever. it seems right.


be here, Avicus commands lightly, and then spins, romps away. she casts her head back, hoping that he follows. she wants to run across her land with him—

their land.

she wants to survey their land with Ashlar, for who could deny his importance in this place?

He knew that this would not be all but he accepted it easily for now. She broke away playfully and he caught the mood immediately, his eyes dancing as he hopped to follow suit. Ashlar would chase where she led, seeking to overtake her at times, but never allowing himself to pull into the lead. The most he would ever do is match.

His world was right again. Prophet was a confidant, Augur a brother, and Avicus the leader of his heart once more. It did not trouble him that the other man stood at her side any longer, not so long as Avicus saw no less of him for not. Ashlar now only hoped the other man found this peace as well.

With no more heavy thoughts, Ashlar ran.