Arrow Lake so only one life can't be enough

no. he had never wished for death in the way that she would think. death did not appeal to mahler, for it marked the end of usefulness, insofar as he was concerned. but such a cold sentiment, he had learned, could not be applied to tears. even logical tears from direct sarah. "there have been times vhen i have vanted not to exist," he murmured, thinking of the rawness marigold's death had left, something which had never quite healed across.
"i make myself useful to others so that i have a purpose. it is not courage," mahler went on, glancing at some distant tree with a pensive look.