Sun Mote Copse And I'll hate myself for checking as if I don't know

tags for ref!  happens right after this thread - https://wolf-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=43759

Fennec didn't remember ever being as angry as she was after her encounter with @Niamh.  Her secret lessons with @Eljay... and the resulting skill that she was beginning to learn... had given her a confidence that she didn't know she had.  She'd always been able to pretend that she could do things, but this wasn't that.  This was something real.  She'd been proud enough to call her dad out, proud enough to confront Niamh... and it still didn't matter.

It would never matter what she did.  They would always just see her as the blind girl, unable to help with anything.  It didn't matter that @Towhee always encouraged her, that @Figment and @Phox rarely ever made her feel small.  In that moment, she felt crushed, smothered under the assumptions that Niamh had shoved onto her.

It was a testament to this that suddenly, her anger at Penn disappeared.  He'd abandoned her, but he'd been right about it.  She should have gone with, because obviously no one here needed her.  No one here would ever need her.  All they ever did was try to do everything for her because apparently she was too stupid, too fucking blind, to do anything right.  Fuck all of them.

Practically spitting, Fennec's stalking took her to the border, where she paced at the scent line.  She knew she couldn't leave, but right now, she just needed the fantasy of disappearing and letting them all wonder where she went.

As soon as he was done taking care of Rasalas' wounds, Eljay decided to go look for Fennec. He didn't like one bit what'd happened in his absence, and he wanted to make sure that his medic apprentice was alright. Maybe she could fill him in on some of the details, too. Eljay followed her scent trail, which pretty straight-forwardly lead to the borders. There was a knot in his stomach as he realised this, and he hoped that she hadn't left the pack in a flurry of emotions. Those sort of decisions never ended up well.

Fenn, Eljay called out as he saw her pacing back and forth by the borders, unable to block relief from his voice because he was so glad to see that she hadn't left the pack or done anything stupid.

She heard her name, and if it had been anyone but Eljay, they would have gotten a sharp WHAT!? in return.  Despite her seething rage, though, Eljay was the only wolf she literally could not blame right now.  

It's never going to work, she said, bitter anger making her turn to hopelessness.  Dramatic, but weirdly honest for her.  Eljay hadn't given her a reason not to trust him, though, and something about his manner made Fennec not feel like her usual walls were quite as necessary.  Maybe because he was always so hopeless himself.  No one here is ever going to think I can do anything.

Eljay frowned when Fennec said that it was never going to work and that no one would ever think that she could do anything. Eljay knew that feeling only too well. Even though he'd helped Towhee a lot with Meerkat when she was just born and she seemed to have found some sort of newfound recognition for the caretaker, he had always felt nervous around Towhee. Wolves like Towhee and Niamh who were strong, confident and bold just didn't really see the Eljays of the world, he felt, and when they did they just saw losers who weren't as fit and capable as the other wolves in the pack. He didn't feel like those wolves really saw him, even despite his help with their pregnancies and even despite hunting alongside them.

Fennec's problem was perhaps a bit different than his -- he was just a bit of a loser in the eyes of others, and she was, well, blind -- but in the end they both had some sort of disability that made others not see them for what they could do. Then show them that you can. Perhaps a lot of wolves would be blown away by what Eljay said next, but he genuinely believed that Fennec could be a good caretaker despite her disability and he wanted to prove it to the world, too. What happened back there? He just wanted to hear her side of the story too before he drew any conclusions. He just wished he hadn't gone off to fetch herbs so that he would've been right there and could've acted then instead of in hindsight.

His words had the immediate effect of making her frustration mount, and she finally did snap.  Not at him... but the clear frustration in her tone didn't really have a direction to go.  She was mad at everyone, including herself.

I can't if they won't ever let me!! She burst out.  She wanted to hit something... or scream.  But instead she simply gritted her teeth for a moment, trying to level set.  He wanted to know what happened.  If it was anyone else, as she would with Bronco later, her tale would have spun forth full of expletives.  But with Eljay she had a different tone.  It was weird, wanting to be seen as responsible in someone's view.

She told me that she would take care of it, that I should just keep him warm.  I told her no, that she was the one who didn't know what she was doing.  I tried to do what you said, but she pushed me over.  She conveniently left off the part where she'd shoved first, but in her mind, that didn't need mentioning.  It was different.  She'd been enforcing her right to be there, and Niamh had stomped over that without a second thought.

She doesn't deserve my dad.  Or mom.  She doesn't deserve to be a leader either, she thought silently.  But saying at least that much out loud made her feel better, and her rage quieted down to a sullen weariness.  I shoulda gone with Penn.  

She hadn't meant to say that last part, and the surprise showed on her face for a minute. Hopefully Eljay was the only one around to hear that, because she was not about to get into it with anyone about it right now.

Eljay's ears folded back and he leaned back a little when Fennec angrily burst out that she couldn't show them if they wouldn't let her. He hadn't meant to press on any sore spots. He felt the frustration, he knew all about it, but he didn't know how to show her that there was a way out; that over time, they'd grow to appreciate her efforts.

After the frustration was out, Fennec went on to explain what had happened. Niamh taking control after Eljay had left, apparently, saying that Fennec couldn't help. Eljay knew that he would've just done what the leader said, but he was strangely proud in some way that Fennec hadn't done that at all. That she tried to do what he said. That she listened to him, that she defied her leader and stepmother openly. At the same time he felt mildly guilty that she had got hurt for his sake.

It would help if you didn't want to keep it a secret. If they knew you are my apprentice, said Eljay. Fennec however wasn't done and said that Niamh didn't deserve all that she had, and then blurted out that she should've gone with Penn. Eljay frowned at that. Fennec was perhaps not his sibling -- actually, they weren't very closely related since Fennec grew up in another pack, and before Fennec had asked him to learn about being a medic Eljay had barely known her -- but to know that she wished she had left hurt in some way.

I... He considered how to choose his words. I hope I can change your mind on that thought. I'm glad you're here. Maybe it was because Fennec was tossed aside by Niamh like that, maybe because she too faced a lot of prejudice even if it was for different reasons. Maybe it was because he wanted to prove that she -- that anyone -- could become a good medic if they put forward the work. He hoped that his words wouldn't hit another nerve, and there was a light quiver in his voice that betrayed his nervousness when he otherwisely confidently said: I won't let anyone do something like that again when we work together. I promise.

What Eljay said made sense, but Fennec didn't like it.  She wasn't too keen on liking anything right now.  Immediately her thoughts went on the defensive.  Why should that make a difference? Why did he have to qualify her right to help?  Who said Niamh got to choose who the fuck did what?

I shouldn't have to tell them, she said, feeling the culmination of all of her previous pent up feelings returning.  She'd forgotten, in her time with Penn, how absolutely frustrating life was when others made assumptions.  You shouldn't have to justify why I can do what anyone else can do.  But fine, whatever.

She didn't care now what they thought.  They could laugh at her, think she was copping out, taking an easy route.  

(In truth, if she looked deeper, the only one thinking that was herself.)

It isn't like I can do anything about it now.  But yeah, okay.  She couldn't read Eljay's hurt, and it wasn't clear if she'd have softened her words even if she could.  Instead she sat down, fighting the restless urge to dodge out of here.  At the root of it, she still wanted Eljay's help, much as she might deny the feeling.  I'm going to prove her wrong.

Eljay wished he could tell Fennec anything other than 'life isn't fair'. That was his experience so far, and though he wished he could've given a different explanation, well, there simply wasn't one. I know. You shouldn't. He didn't think it necessary to emphasise the unfairness of life; it was painfully clear already, anyway. Unfortunately others would never truly respect her in the way they respected others because of her eyesight problem. It was unfair, but there wasn't anything they could do to change it.

When Fennec said that she'd prove Niamh wrong, Eljay couldn't help but crack a smile, his tail waving back and forth lightly behind his hocks. That's the spirit. The pack could use another medic, he thought, and although he wished that it had never happened, this whole situation had definitely brought him and Fennec closer in some way. We'll prove her wrong. Eljay thought of how Niamh's own perception of him had changed over time, too. He was pretty sure she didn't used to think that highly of him (but then again, that counted for most wolves in the pack right now). He was sure that they could change Niamh's perception of Fennec, too. But one of the first steps was that he needed to speak up to Niamh, too, about what happened. He didn't like it, but he knew that he had to, just to make sure it wouldn't happen again in the future.

Eljay was quickly becoming one of Fennec's favorite people to talk to about this kind of thing because he never tried to make excuses.  I know.  You shouldn't.. But she did, and that was just the way it was.  He didn't make her explain more, or try to justify Niamh's needing that.  He acknowledged her.

If she were any other wolf, she'd have rolled her eyes at his cheesy solidarity, but that went to show how much calmer she was feeling now than when she'd started.  Yeah, okay.  Her tone was dry, but there was a touch of humor to it that hadn't been there before.  Thanks.  This was sincere, and that was about as much as she'd give before moving on.

Since that was a bust, can you tell me what happens next? Like, after I clean them?  If she was going to rock this, then she would need to learn her stuff.  Everything there was to know about it.  And then she could shove it in Niamh's face like she fucking deserved.

Fennec sounded better when she spoke again, which was a relief to Eljay. He was glad that she seemed to be feeling a bit better at least, even if it still sucked. It just did, and it always would. He might not have a disability such as being blind -- he couldn't imagine what that would be like -- but in another way, he understood what she was going through because he had been treated like he was less of a person because of how soft he was for a chunk of his life; or at least by certain people. While his parents had always seen him for more than he was, many others had seen him for less than he now realised he was. It'd taken a long time to realise that. He was glad Fennec had more self-esteem than that, but he'd help her where he could if he could help it.

It was good that she asked about medic stuff after that. Eljay's tail wagged a few beats to show that this pleased him, both because it meant that Fennec must be feeling better as well as that it hadn't tainted her interest in becoming a medic. Well, there are some things you can do with plants, roots and herbs. There's some that kill pain, and some that stop infection. Some do both. It's just a bit harder right now, after the flooding, because a lot of herbs are kinda.. dead. Sometimes moss can also help soak up blood if it keeps bleeding after you've cleaned it. You just have to make sure the moss is clean, too, and that it's the.. soaky kind - uh - I can show you that. He smiled softly after saying that, hoping that it made sense. But if the wound isn't too big, then cleaning it is all you have to do, if it doesn't keep bleeding. Cleaning's the most important thing, at least. Other things would be easier to teach and show with the right herbs and mosses, so it was frustrating there weren't many right now.

Moss like you feel on trees?  That was easy enough.  She knew of a few places where the trees were softer to the touch, covered by it, but she hadn't checked since the rains.  Maybe those were toast now too.  This rain really messed a lot of things up.  Weird how too much water can do that.  It was hard for her to imagine, navigating the damage by only touch, but it felt like the water had weakened everything.  Maybe a lot of plants couldn't handle it and just washed away.

She made a mental note of everything he said, though.  Plants for pain and infection, moss for breeding, and number one was clean.  She felt her annoyance return a bit as the earlier context again fell on her; easiest part, but here she was, no practice obtained.  All because some wolf decided to go on a fucking power trip.  Anyway....

What helps infection? She knew that was the more dangerous of the two he talked about, and wounds were probably the number one thing she'd have to deal with.  Moss and cleaning made sense, barring the type, so she figured she could remember one more thing too.

Yeah, Eljay said with a nod. Not all moss is equally good, though. It needs to be clean and preferably just moist so it's soft, but absorbent. He hoped that made sense. It was a bit of a trial and error sort of thing and of course he could show her which ones specifically were good and not later.

Then Fennec went on to ask about infection, and Eljay tried to remember its name. Uh.. I'm not that good with the names, but hopefully I can show you. We could go look for some of it, see if anything useful survived.

maybe fade this soon? :)

<3 we can close this out here if you want!

That'd be super helpful, so I'll know it when I see it, she responded, but fortunately she accompanied it with a smirk to show she was joking.  Yeah, alright.  I can at least, yknow... get an idea of it.  If it had a scent or a feel she could know it, so long as nothing else mirrored it too closely.  Or if there were markers on the tree maybe.

She'd follow as she went and eagerly drink up the lesson, letting her anger slip down and stew quietly with a tight lid on it.  Later it would be back, of course, but for now he'd fully soothed the beast.

It was precisely because she couldn't see that Eljay wanted to show her some stuff. He wasn't too sure really how else to explain. He mostly knew how most stuff looked. Scents... Yeah, they had scents, but how did one describe a scent? So all in all, it was easiest to show. Even on students who did know how to see he preferred to show them the actual plant rather than tell them about it. Mistakes could be fatal, after all.

The pair of them took off and Eljay showed Fennec whatever plants he could find that could help in any way -- the right sort of moss, plants and roots that would help against infection and pain, and he would show her how to dig out the roots safely so that you didn't accidentally tear them apart.

fading this! i'd love another newer one though <3