Noctisardor Bypass and loved by lightning

only if you have time/want to ebony! i left it all welcome so no obligation. <3

though praimfaya understands the necessity of being den-ridden with her newborn goufas she feels the familiar rooting of restlessness creeping thru her veins like a slow growing but devastating plague. she does not like to be still and feels a budding guilt at the knowledge that she is not on the borders, that she is not helping @Mahler lead as she should be.

she peers down at them; as she often does as they snooze against her and each other and cannot bring herself to regret them. she is in constant awe of her babes and she knows that with time she will have more freedom; and hopes that she can find the balance between mother and leader.

she blinks frostbound gaze; lids lowering as she brushes a ghost of a kiss upon skaigona's head first and then worripa's not intentionally trying to disturb them.

the heda loves her children as fiercely as she can love anything at all ...but she struggles now with that unwelcome but nevertheless persistent feeling of suffocation — and wonders if it means there was something wrong with her.

<3

mahler had not forgotten laurel's talk of ursus, and of the man called merrick. he had told her that he would make a plan, and this was doubly intended now that rivenwood had grown by four. 
but he had begun to feel it more often in his bones and in his back, in the deepening ache behind his hips. mahler plodded on; he had left sequoia and now approached praimfaya's den, where he found her awakened.
a polite chuff announced his presence, for he did not wish to startle a mother; by and by he drifted closer, settling purpled look upon the pair of growing pups.
he said nothing, only sat with the young leader in a satisfied quiet.

praimfaya takes a small measure of relief that even if her children can hear her — though she is admittedly unaware of all the milestones and how to correctly navigate them yet — they wouldn't understand the questions buzzing 'round her head like a hive of wasps at unrest as she hears mahler's steps approaching the entrance of her birthing den. his polite chuff announces his presence. hello mahler, the commander greets him softly. you can come in, if you wish. she invites.

she hesitates then, hindering on whether she should admit the feelings she's been having or not.

can i ask you something? praimfaya asks softly. i love my children, i do but... ah, the dreaded 'but'. she cannot help but wince at her own words at how they will sound coming from her mouth. but she knows they will keep pressing down on her and these feelings are not something she wants to ignore and let fester.

is it normal to feel like they're suffocating me? she asks; whisper soft, as if she were afraid of the words. in a way, she was. how terrible is that? i should be over-joyed but i'm ...not. the admission hangs off of her lips; cottony and awful.

at her invitation, mahler dropped to his belly, entering with his broad head and wide shoulders. as he grew adjusted to the light, he smiled down at the pups, who were fat and hale as they grew. praimfaya's quiet demeanour, quite unlike the confident leader he had known her to be, worried him for a moment.
but as she spoke, mahler's expression grew knowing. and when she finished, he shook his head. "it is not terrible at all. you are a young voman who is accustomed to coming and going as she pleased. first you vere tied to home by a pregnancy, and now you must be mother and maidservant to those who need you completely."
lilac upon silver. "it is a great deal to shoulder, even inside a pack. but they vill grow very quickly, praimfaya," mahler assured. "your feelings are not incorrect. and you have the rest of us to help you," he said softly.

she offers mahler a smile as he enters the den, unsure if he could see it in the shadows that claim the quiet of the birthing den; so praimfaya gives a few quick taps of her tail against the earth to express her joy at seeing him. a feeling of unyielding affection and gratefulness swelling beneath her breast as she thinks she is glad that she is not doing this alone and that she has him for advice.

even if it meant admitting the darkest feelings brewing like a distant storm within her coupling with the fear that those feelings make her a terrible mother.

he assures her that it doesn't make her a monster, that her feelings are valid, that she has rivenwood to lean on, and that they will grow quickly. she takes as much comfort from the soft tide of relief that washes over her as she can but it is short-lived as skepticism creeps back in, forcing it to recede. praimfaya lets out a small sigh.

maybe i'll feel better if i could get out and patrol once and a while. it's being detained that really digs beneath her skin. when do you think that'll be possible? for them to be left with a sitter for a few hours while i patrol? knowing ...next to nothing about development of cubs, praimfaya feels like she's just fumbling her way through it all at the moment.

praimfaya seemed to lighten, though she turned herself toward a timeline now. "perhaps another veek. vhen their eyes open," he went on, "soon after this, they begin to eat meat. brought up from the stomach. at this point, anyvone can feed them."
he looked gently at the pair. "this time is short, yet seems endless vhen you are the only vone who can tend them." soon they would be rushing about the bypass with sequoia's brood.
an ear flicked. "it vill be good to have you back, commander. ve have a problem beyond the borders. nothing pressing, for now, but —" mahler frowned.
perhaps it might be a source of interest to praimfaya, to be included in the matters of state even while she lay in childbed. "have you heard the name ursus before?"

perhaps another week.

it sounds like an eternity to praimfaya who grows more restless by the day; but she tells herself that it's not terribly long at all. when they babes begin to eat regurgitated meat she could let a sitter stay with them while she patrolled. she has a feeling they could not be long patrols but just enough to stave off the worst of her claustrophobia was all she asked for. yes, praimfaya replies quietly. i didn't tell you their names, did i? he was the only one who visited her but even so they could be introduced to the pack soon enough. for now, she is willing to share it with only him.

the girl, skaigona, skywarrior in my native tongue. praimfaya's muzzle brushes feather lightly over her pale babe. and worripa for the boy, warreaper. fierce sounding names that match her own.

i will be glad to be back in action soon. she murmurs though she doubts it's necessary to put it to words. i have. praimfaya replies when he speaks of ursus.

once allies, now enemies of the saints. and while she did not know much about the enigmatic bearwolves she liked their queen ( and that was good enough for her ). i had once sought an alliance with them to help put an end to the saints. it had never came to pass and now ...she was cautious of war with young to protect and think about.

what of them? praimfaya inquires, suspecting there was a good reason mahler brought them up.

mahler carefully crossed his paws at the ankle, taking pains not to brush praimfaya or the little ones. "skaigona and worripa," he repeated. "fine names from a strong mother. they vill live to them, i believe." a bit of encouragement before he began the retelling of all laurel had told him, of this merrick's matricide. of ursus' existence to the south. too near, the woman had said, and mahler repeated this as well. of this man;s attacks upon a pack called easthollow, and the other murders which laurel had claimed he committed.
he said all of this with a preciseness that did not indicate his feelings toward action on one front or another. he had not yet gone to ursus, and would not without a companion, but he felt — he hoped — that praimfaya would assume his proactiveness upon assessing the threat.
it interested him that praimfaya had once sought an alliance with these wolves. and the saints — yes, he remembered them: that had been the first and only bittering between he and the young woman. forgotten now, long forgotten, long forgiven. only now remained the twin threats of ursus and the saints, if the latter still existed.

praimfaya listens without interruption as mahler recounts what laurel has told him; raptly all the same. it is a sad tale of matricide, of an attack on easthollow — the name brings with it brief recollection — of other murders. once upon a time, praimfaya would've jumped at the chance to attack. now, be it her past mistakes or her introduction into motherhood but she can feel herself hesitate.

she can see now why mahler was so fiercely against her going to the saints. sure, one of their own had caused the scars at her throat but that hadn't been sagtannet's problem and the whole of the pack couldn't be sacrificed for one wolf.

it's a double-edged sword. cruel but nevertheless true. the needs of the many outweighed the needs of one.

hm, praimfaya hums in her throat. i like laurel but i do not think it's wise to risk the whole of rivenwood for circumstances that do not concern us. praimfaya concludes, offering her opinion. she looks down to skaigona and worripa and feels her resolve on it harden. they are unfortunate crimes but as long as ursus does not bother us i see no need to seek out war with them.

praimfaya arrived at the same conclusion the man had thought foregone.he grunted at the end of her sentence, a low sound that ended for him the inner debate over it. if his co-lead was not for it, then he could not be. but ursus must be investigated all the same, and he would send no other to do it.
he considered the prospect of taking one or both of the young men with him, but felt it would not do. ephemeris and argent must stay here with astraeus and guard the little ones.
"this is right to me."
he wondered, briefly, if the reeking meadow had been related to this not-so-far, murderous pack. that they expanded to claim land was worrisome, if so.
"i vill vait here vith them, if you vould like to have a moment," he said in the next with a smile, wondering if praimfaya would trust him with the honor.

going to tack an ending on this so i can use it for a trade! <3

praimfaya makes a small noise in the back of her throat, glad that they were on the same page. and when he offers to watch the children for her to have a moment to collect herself; it takes all of praimfaya's self control not to jump out of her skin at the chance. in hindsight, she was slowly ( or quickly ) learning that she was cut out for war ...not motherhood. thank you! she breathes, more grateful to him than she can put into words.

she takes the moment to herself, stretching her legs, feeling the fresh air and the sun upon her face and takes an extra moment before reluctantly making her way back to the birthing den.