Moonspear count your fears if you let me

sort of antsy, terance was sort of lingering in the background-- @Rannoch didn't even have to howl for him. his friend filled him in and... honestly? it was a train wreck. terance felt like sobbing and-- in fact-- as soon as rannoch left to find liffey, he did just that. 

terance suddenly had no hope for this conversation, and if he didn't have such a deep rooted desire to make others happy-- he might've left the territory right then and there. but hydra was so god damn important to him that he couldn't just leave. he had to face this like a man. this was absolutely his fault, he needed to take what he deserved. he was the piece of shit asshole responsible for throwing everything they had away, he needed to do this.

when he finally moved after hydra's scent terance had recollected himself, though he was very visibly distraught. he spotted her and let out a bark, but it was sort of high pitched and ugly. inwardly, he winced at how badly he was handling himself. pull yourself together, this is your own goddamn fault. 

"hydra," he called, his ears splaying.

Hydra was searching for him as he searched for her. And as she saw the devastation on his face, Hydra nearly loosed a sob herself—for his behalf—but she remained strong. I know. He blamed me, and he blamed Alya and Lyra, she shook her head, said Liffey didn't feel safe. I know I didn't like her much in the beginning, but that's because I don't like anyone who isn't a productive pack member—when she started carrying her weight... but I didn't do anything to her. I just brought her some food the other day and we had a good conversation. What the fuck, she shook her head, looked at him, and realized and remembered simultaneously that he was upset.

Fuck, this isn't about me, I'm sorry—he's your best friend, and he told me, he told me you didn't understand either about Liffey, she exhaled heavily, a tear pricking at her eyes. Though she wanted to vent about the unfairness of it all to him, that a wolf she considered a friend would turn on her literally out of nowhere, she wanted to be there for him more.

oh no. oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no. for a moment, terance didn't think he could do this anymore. hydra just talked and talked and everything she said went in one ear and out the other. she was... consoling him. for the first time ever, maybe. hydra was always his friend, always there for him-- but this was the first time terance had heard her voice it in this kind of way. god, it hurt him even worse.

she kept talking and talking until suddenly she stopped, and through the ringing in his ears terance had to try to remember what she'd just said. oh. 

"i... i don't... really understand," he said slowly, weakly, "i don't know why liffey feels like that, i've never felt like that before... it doesn't make... sense to me, it's stupid... but... hydra." his voice broke with almost every word-- it was utterly pathetic. but when he said her name, it sounded like he was pleading. he needed her full attention-- not that he didn't already have it-- but oh god this was so hard.

"hydra i'm... i'm going with."

She moved to hold him in a comforting sort of wolf-hug. She remembered the first time they had ever met, and she thought of now... how far they'd come. How much they'd shared. Fuck Rannoch, he could go, that scared pleb. At least she had—

Wait. 

She withdrew, backpedaling quickly and now her own ears splaying flat atop her crown. The look she gave him could be likened to the fear one displayed when one knew another was about to deliver a fatal wound. What? She breathed, feeling suddenly quite unsteady. Sorry, I think— she laughed a little, shaking her head, her tone very nearly begging him to not repeat himself: what did you just say?

she embraced him, and terance tried to return it but the news he was delivering was just so painful that he couldn't not make it awkward. he tried, though, he really did. 

and then she backpedaled, away from him with a face that took his breath away. he'd never seen her look like that-- not ever, and he couldn't believe that he was the reason she was looking at him like that. what had he done? what kind of horrible, horrible wolf was he? his voice caught, and his mouth hung open for a few moments before he repeated what he'd said, his body naturally taking a submissive posture, his ears splaying and his head lowering instinctively. "i'm leaving moonspear."

She didn't have to ask again. It hit her like a herd of bison all at once. Rannoch had lied to her (of course), and Terance had known this whole time and let her deal with that whole situation independently and without warning. She felt sick, physically sick, and really didn't know what to do as he lowered his head and splayed his ears and repeated himself like she had asked in the first place. 

She felt very, very cold as she watched him. And very confused, too. He, of all the wolves, had no reason to go... And yet, there he stood. I'm leaving Moonspear. Then go, she barked hoarsely, brooking no room for rebuttal or discussion. What was the point? What was the point in exhausting herself and attempting to prevent the inevitable? She was tired. Very tired of the farce she had been living in for a long, long time, it seemed. 

He, too, clearly did not care. Cared enough to let her know, maybe, but all of his words had become the droning winter wind, supplying little else but for a shiver that reminded her she lived and breathed still. This was a passionless affair. She watched him, waiting mutely for him to turn and go. He, too, was no longer Moonspear, surely to his thrill.

for a moment it was as if hydra was controlling the weather, and terance went cold suddenly. her voice sent chills down his spine, froze the lump in his throat that he was trying to speak through. he was silent, searching her gaze. surely that wasn't all she had to say-- when he found his voice, he said exactly that. "is... that all you have to say?" he asked, ears still down. and, before she could say something like 'what do you want me to say, terance', he added, "you're one of my best friends, hydra, this can't be the end of us, it can't be. i just... i need to do this for myself." 

surely she understood, and if she didn't he'd explain it. the whole lyra thing, the whole clouded mind and just how much he needed a fresh start. he wanted to include hydra in it-- this was not the end of them, he refused to leave it here.

She was mute at his question. Is that all you have to say? She took another step forward. Yes. God, yes. 

Her jaw clenched and unclenched. He spoke again. 

Hydra tilted her head and her ears flicked. The emotional turmoil she was in was tantamount to the death of Galaxy. This was what she felt as he removed himself. His self-removal was selfish, and her desire to keep him was selfish. Her head ached to the point of exploding, and she was already emotionally spent from her encounter with Rannoch. She had begged Rannoch to share with her his feelings as he had hidden them for so long (Liffey, rather), but she had never expected this from Terance. 

Rannoch discussed behind my fathers back the desire to leave Moonspear, surely to create a pack of his own because of Liffey's fear. Because of a lie. Something you know, or at least now know, doesn't make sense. So why would you want to go with him, to this pack? If he was her best friend, where was he in her line of defense? Hydra would have put any wolf in their place that tried to question the integrity of Terance, knowing him as well as she had—but he hadn't done the same for her. 

This betrayal stung like a slap in the face. And if he was going to tell her anything, he was going to explain to her this little riddle.

the conversation was still spiralling, and terance had no other options but to be honest-- which is all he ever was anyway, but now was the first time where the truth was probably better unsaid-- it would only do more harm than it would help. but there was nothing else he could say-- this was his best option.

"there are a few reasons... you..." he started, and then stopped, and then started again, "you know how i feel about lyra... you all talk, the three of you, i know how close you are and-- i know you know what happened the other night." he didn't wanna go over it. was it even that bad?? probably not, but terance's dramatic ass planned on replaying it in the worst possible way. but did he need to?

"i just, i don't know what it is-- what we are. she said she doesn't... but then she doesn't always act like it-- it just, it hurts, hydra. not knowing hurts, and as long as i'm here i can't get better. this.. this is an opportunity, to start fresh." was all of this really about a girl? not entirely, but he was so young and so focused on this dumb girl (as teenagers tend to do), that he truthfully couldn't think of any other reasons. and then terance started to try to mend-- maybe it wasn't the right time, but how was he supposed to know? all he knew was that he was hurting someone, and he didn't want to hurt her. 

"just, distance from that hurt-- i still love all of you, i... i don't think we'll go far, hy, i can still come see you... please, hydra." he was begging. she had to understand.

His reasoning she might understand better if she didn't know Lyra so well. She knew in her own Lyra way, she did care for Terance. Lyra would protect him against any other [women] that tried to come against him, too. She trusted him. Terance did not understand the gravity of what he was doing, he did not know the hurt he wrought. And if Hydra was hurt, which she never was, her sisters were merciless, and Hydra herself could not reign them in as they would not reign her in for their hurts. They were one. 

She had to steel herself for his sake. 

He continued on, and Hydra exhaled heavily. Terance, that's my sister. She's nothing like Liffey. Sweet, yes, but she needs strength, real strength, you know? You have that, but you're very soft with her. You have never shown her what you're made of, and now you're denying yourself that shot. Obviously, I've told her all about that, but actions speak louder than words and all, she shook her head. She spoke of Liffey actually not in a cruel way in that context—she meant it as, Liffey liked a total soft teddy-bear... and a teddy-bear, to the Cerberus, was the equivalent to a chew-toy. A game. 

Anyway, that was beside the point. But really, I want you to hear my question in the exact order I asked you the question in, Terance. You know now that Liffey lied about me, Alya, and Lyra to Rannoch, and that Rannoch has decided to believe that lie. He said he mentioned you weren't sure why she was upset either, and now you know why. We're nothing but a fucking scapegoat in this. You want to know what I yelled at Rannoch when he left? That he didn't know me—that he wasn't a real friend of mine. Because he believes her. And he said: "I do know you". That fuck. Of course his ass knows me. What the hell do I have to hide? When have I ever hidden anything? She was venting now, but he had succeeded in bringing her to speak, which meant he was safe for now. So, why go with him? That was what she wanted to know. If he really did love her, he wouldn't be going with Rannoch, a man who left on the premise of she and her sisters being evil villains... which they weren't.

suddenly, terance felt himself get mad. was he really mad in this moment though? was there room to be mad with all the other emotions he was feeling? "i tried," terance insisted, trying not to make himself sound like he was whining-- but he did, he gave it one solid shot and he was turned down. he knew the outcome, she turned him down, and all that leading on was exactly what rannoch had said it was-- not what he wanted it to be. "i know she's different, hydra, that's why i-- trust me, i know. there's no one like lyra," he said, ears splaying again.

but now he didn't know what to say. "i don't know why she lied," was what he murmured first, genuine confusion mixed into his voice. he knew that the cerberus wasn't always the nicest to poor liffey-- he'd heard the teasing and rannoch had told him one or two things... but he hadn't heard about hydra trying to mend relationships-- and he especially hadn't heard that from liffey. maybe liffey just hadn't seen it that way? terance didn't understand that. 

"but i know you..." he then said quietly, trying to hold her gaze, "and you know me-- hy... you know i haven't been myself lately, especially after that cougar attack... rannoch asked me to go, and i don't want to leave moonspear-- i don't want to leave you, it's the hardest decision i've ever made. but i feel it, hydra, i feel it in my chest-- it's something i need to do."

If the teasing was ever brought up to Hydra, she'd ask him to take a good hard look at the twins with one another. They were sour, but then they were sweet. Teasing, shmeezing—Hydra had loosed a whole string of saliva upon Lyra's nose (today's day and age of waterboarding), had been tackled down a mountain by Alya, and had roughhoused the hell out of her siblings. That was bonding. Terance was no stranger to it, either—she teased the hell out of him all the time. And if she had never voiced her discomfort to Hydra, or her sisters, what did she expect to change? 

Right, so, I'm telling you I understand that, she point-blank expressed, but you're going with someone who is using me and my sisters as an excuse to go. Who never spoke to me a day in her life about her discomfort and one fine day decided, these girls are monsters. I don't trust them. Rannoch looked at me that way, Terance. He spoke to me that way, her voice caught in her throat. 

She breathed in deep and waited for his response with bated breath. How could she trust him, if he actively made that choice? To walk with two wolves who could do that to her out of the blue?

hydra had him in a rough place. he was torn between her and rannoch-- still. but this time, it was different, to leave meant something entirely different, but now? he couldn't back out... he had to go. but terance wasn't dirge-- he didn't have the grace of language on his side. in fact, he could hard summon a single word to justify anything-- to even comfort. "i don't... know why he did that," terance merely murmured softly, his ears pressed tightly against his crown. 

"i'm... my own wolf, hydra... i don't think that about you... and i never will. i... i can't justify this to you-- i don't know how. but, i love you, and i always will, and no matter what they say or do i'll always think highly of you," he said, his voice probably so annoying with all of his cut-short statements. but he couldn't help it, the words just weren't coming, he was forcing himself to find the words. he pleaded again. "please."

Hydra did not want him to know why. She wanted him to know. She wanted him to know and to think better of who it was he was going to follow. Hydra shook her head. I'm not asking for your justification, Terance, I'm asking you—how can you follow two wolves who would do that to me if you say you're my best friend? There are a dozen packs out there, she expressed, and you are ready to pledge yourself to a man who in the span of a two minutes flipped a fucking switch. Liffey hadn't the cajones to talk to me herself, first off, she said with a roll of her eyes, and Rannoch is suddenly, "oh, shit, you fucking demon," without having ever spoken to me himself in the first place, either—and he wasn't even going to tell me. I don't need you to explain that—I really don't care about a wolf like that, about him, enough, plus, she understood why—it was because his head was wedged so far up Liffey's ass that he couldn't do much else but speak her shit as it came down his gullet. 

If he couldn't see it, if he couldn't understand it, she knew that he never would. Her ears splayed atop her head. So for all of the places that you could go, Hydra's ears pricked, it's still with him? Yes, his opinions were his own, yes, she got that, but to follow a man whose campaign speech was suddenly to besmirch her good name? How was that caring about her? How was that something a best friend would ever do? Had Hydra had even the mind to do this, she would have said 'nevermind' the second Terance informed her of foul play—at least to Rannoch. Ultimately, Hydra was selfish and would do what she would do, which was why in some way she could not really fault Terance for going—his fault lay in who he had his decided to give his oath to next.

And she had to say it all now, because yeah right would she ever see him again—Rannoch would spew some toxic bullshit his way, probably, because no doubt Terance would want to understand this all if for nothing else than to satisfy his curiosity. And if Rannoch lied, as he was clearly capable of doing very well, what else was there? What would Terance really care?

The teenaged, female mind could be an insidious thing—but, for Hydra, these concerns were real, and founded with what had transpired.

it didn't seem like terance's ears would ever lift again. even at hydra's loudest points, his ears remained pinned and sad. he didn't know what to say, or do-- because right now he was split. he heard everything hydra was saying-- and believed her-- and how could he say those things? it was hydra. terance loved hydra with every ounce of his being... but he loved rannoch in that same way. and as mad as he was at him for saying all those things to hydra, he couldn't keep himself from following him. 

"i've... got to talk to him," was terance's first response, unsure of how he was going to handle this-- and what hydra would say about that. but hydra was also clearly not skirting around the truth-- she never was, so terance was blunt. "but... yes, i would go with him." not to spite her, but because rannoch was equally as important-- and terance equally as hardheaded.

His response was a sucker punch in the gut. Hydra was equally stubborn and hardheaded. But she would take the word of Terance over any (bar family). I wouldn't, she rejoined, and that was the truth. It was his answer that allowed something of a disconnect to be done, and frankly, she was relieved a bit now, too, to know that Terance would do this in knowing everything.

Not that it wasn't heartbreaking in the moment. Oh, she'd be lying if she said she wasn't crushed. Even with the small breadcrumb of relief she was given here and now, it was nothing in comparison to the cut he had delivered. The severing of ties so thickly woven would never be painless. And that was why she had known it would be pointless to say anything at all—to go through all of this. She had not done it for her benefit, because Hydra had known she would be the one hurt, again. But there was a part of her that held onto the hope that maybe he meant it. Maybe he really did care.

But, as she had said, actions spoke louder than words. There was no question that his feelings for Rannoch surpassed those for her. Rannoch had taken from her something very, very dear this day—and she would never forget it.

She was not at all cold or hard or cruel when she said, you better go. They'll be waiting to collect you, I'm sure, Hydra grimaced. Terance, too, had taken something from her—and he could keep it. She was quite tired of feeling. Of caring. It only served to slap her in the face. That, she could forget about; in fact, the sooner the better.

Hydra did love him, when all was said and done, and that was the worst part of it all—the heart-rending betrayal done to her was one she would not recover from.

though her voice lacked the stoniness it had before, terance thought it actually might've hurt more to hear those words. he stared at her, trying to find something in her gaze-- but it looked so empty, so disconnected, so broken. regret was settling in, but terance couldn't get himself to turn his back on rannoch, for some reason. 

he wanted to embrace her, just before he left, but his paws wouldn't move him forward. somehow, he didn't think she'd let him. or maybe it'd be awkward. he stood and stared, silent for a moment, before his muzzle dipped. "okay..." he murmured, sorting through words, "i'll... come see you, soon. whether or not you want it, i won't let this be the last of us." that was a promise. and hesitating in waiting for a response (though she may not even give him one), terance hung around for a few moments longer before slowly turning to go, his heart broken.

and with that, terance was no longer a member of moonspear.

His words caused her to blink. Terance, I'd really rather you didn't, she said with an exhale, unless it's to tell me, shit, Hydra, you know what, it's a pretty bad friend move to follow a dude who said all that to you and can't own up to his own feelings when he's feeling them, and has to use his wife as a damn shield and an excuse both to get out of dodge. And then that he could even dare to think my sisters and I as a threat to our own pack, our family— She shook her head. The disapproval was pretty clear. Hydra had literally saved Rannoch's life. Hydra had been ready to go to war for the trespass against a wolf she had thought was a friend. Terance knew all of that—so what the fuck?

But what did any of that matter anymore? He was not Moonspear, and certainly not her friend, so not hers to protect in any case. It hurt to see him there for the last time, but she did not want to take him in. She very much so looked forward to the day that his face would fade from her minds eye in its entirety. If she ever saw it again, she hoped she would not even know who he was.