Redhawk Caldera heartstone

"i glad kivaluk here to help," teya said quietly to @Maia and @Eljay one evening after bronte and she had decided their path forward. "happy to see that pack have little ones."
her throat ached.
"i — taking bronte and pony and bridget to go on trip. into sunspire. i —" she hurt; "i not sure if kids and i coming back."
there. god. everyone understood, right? she could hardly look at them now but forced her eyes up and up, to regard them with the love and respect she'd always borne them both, not only as packmates or co-leads or even just in-laws, but deep and abiding family.

Having spent most of the day checking the borders and fishing (with moderate, if unimpressive, success), Maia had decided to spend some time with Eljay that evening. She’d been thrilled when Teya asked to join them, knowing how long it had been since they’d spent any time together that wasn’t in passing.

Teya wasn’t an easy wolf to read and Maia hadn’t been sure what was best for her to do after… well, everything. It was so incredibly hard for her to imagine how the other woman felt, and just thinking about it set her anxiety off to new highs. She didn’t want to imagine it. So, a little selfishly, she’d allowed Teya her space.

Too much, maybe. Of course Maia was going to immediately blame herself for Teya not wanting to come back. Despite there being a dozen different reasons for her wanting to start over someplace new, Maia couldn’t help jumping to the conclusion that if she’d been a better friend, this conversation wouldn’t be happening.

Are you sure? Dummy, of course she isn’t. She just said she wasn’t.. Sorry, I mean… is there anything we can do? To make things better for you here? The smile she’d gained at the mention of their grandchildren was gone now, replaced with a slightly distressed curiosity.

Eljay knew that things weren't well with Teya. He'd known for a while. How could they be, after all that happened? After all that was taken from her? He tried his best to be there for his friend, but it seemed as though his visits never quite brought the relief from her sorrows that he aimed to bring. It seemed that nothing he did could.

He knew things were bad, but he didn't know they were that bad. When Teya announced she was going on a trip, he nodded, hopeful. A trip. A trip would be good. A trip would give her some time away from her grief, so she could return with fresh hope for the future.

He knew things were bad all along, but it didn't dawn on him until Teya said she might not return that they were that bad. .. What? he brought out, clearly shocked at this news. The hopeful smiled on his face immediately slipped into a frown. You're leaving? He needed a moment to compose himself. Swallowed. Took a deep breath. This wasn't about him. This wasn't about their friendship. This was about what she needed. He knew he needed to push aside his own feelings for this. Needed to regard her.


Of - of course, he said, falling over his words, unable to find his composure. A sensation that washed over him like an old enemy; familiar, shameful, painful. Whatever you need. If there's anything... He swallowed and trailed off there, unsure what else to say. There was nothing. He glanced at Maia, then back to Teya. Nothing he could say or do that might bring her back after her trip, and he knew it.

it hurt to see the worry in their faces, the emotion that swept them both. teya almost wished to cry then, but an entire lake of tears per year had fallen from her eyes, and it was why they remained dry now. not a single one of them had ever changed anything for her.
"i love you both so much," the raven said hoarsely, reaching to press first maia's paw and then that of eljay. "there nothing you can do. where brecheliant is love and light and family, i only see my own failing. have cried everywhere. sorana gone. boris left. pony quiet. bronte sad. need to — reset."
they understood, she knew they did, and still she felt as if she were running from them, abandoning them, no matter how much her heart hurt to wake every morning in the caldera, surrounded by graves and bleak memories.

Maia knew that it was selfish to take it personally. She could see how upset her reaction had made Teya, but that didn’t make it any easier. She could have done more. Should have done more.

You haven’t failed. Maia replied, stepping forward and pulling Teya into a firm hug. None of that was failure. She didn’t really know what else to say, but she was likely going to end up crying for them both.

Eljay felt similarly to her. She sensed it, and at least she knew she wasn’t alone feeling that way. They’d been caught up in their own things, their own family, and thought that Teya was taking her time to heal. If she’d known…

A few tears did come then and she let them. She’d let Eljay say what he needed to; she wasn’t ready to let go just yet.

Eljay felt his breath catch in his throat, panic threatening to spill over the filled up bucket in his mind. He barely registered Teya's touch through misty eyes. He knew that Teya needed to do what was good for her, but he could not escape the feeling that he was being abandoned, and no matter how many times she said that it was not so, that it was somehow his fault that she was leaving. He should've realised how bad it was, he should've sought her out earlier, he should've... Something.

Her words barely registered, too, and he certainly could not think of anything as eloquent as his mate did; he was grateful that she stepped up. He just stood there, trying to control his quickening breath and misty eyes — and failing horribly — while Maia hugged Teya.

Then, a final attempt rushed from his hurrying lips — But if Brecheliant is love and family, how can you leave? He had not meant to sound so accusatory. Cursed himself for his inability to give his feelings shape. I mean — If you're doing bad — You need us — We need to help you — Like family. He understood the concept of a reset, though the ones he'd taken had never done him any good, and were irrational decisions. The only good 'resets' he had made were the ones where he had chosen to actually leave, find something better; find Maia, and find Brecheliant, in the end.

Perhaps that's why this felt more like a choice of abandonment rather than a need for a reset.

maia embraced her. eljay struggled. her heart ached, and moreso because teya couldn't find the proper words. and so for a moment she only touched his paw again, more firmly. "i never had a better family than you and maia, eljay," the raven said in fractured tones. "and i always feel loved here."
"but i see where reyes died every day. i see the place where sorana last stood. i hear bronco's voice. sometimes i forget he dead, even after all this time. he just — awake before me, or down at lake. then i lie still, and i remember."
"you are always love and family to me, always, always. but the caldera is not. i m-miserable in a place filled by my ghosts."

Eljay was struggling with this too.  It made Maia both heartbroken for him and glad to not be alone.  He put words to exactly what she’d been thinking, but hadn’t been able to say.  If Teya was having a hard time, how would leaving make things better?  How would isolating herself from everyone who loved her lead to a happier life?  Maia couldn’t imagine ever being happy, separated from the family they’d made here.  Teya wasn’t like her kids, off to see and experience the world.  She’d helped them to build this place.  She was a part of it.

I thought I felt that way once, when I found out that my parents had died.  Maia released her hold on Teya and shifted closer to Eljay, silently pressing close to him as she spoke.

I left everyone behind for a little while.  I went home to see for myself what happened.  But it didn’t help.  Nothing helped, because eventually there wasn’t anything I could do for myself to feel better.  I had to let people who cared about me help me.  Maia’s voice was thick, but she managed to keep it steady.  She didn’t want to cry.  She didn’t want to guilt Teya into staying.  She just wanted her to know they were here for her.

If you need us, we are here for you.  We’re family.  We love you.  That won’t change, even if you decide to go.  We’ll still be here if you decide to come back.  Desperately she hoped this would happen.  If she did leave, that she’d realize quickly what a huge mistake it was and come home.  They couldn’t keep her here against her will; they could only leave the door open and the light on on the front porch.

Teya tried to explain, but Eljay just didn't understand. He, too, had bad memories -- wolves that died here, the many misunderstandings and rubbing each other the wrong way he had with Towhee and others who didn't understand him... But all that changed. It was different now. And it wasn't the Caldera that reminded him of it. The Caldera was home. He considered if they should move again, if this was what Teya needed, but he couldn't bring himself to suggest it, even as he felt Teya's paw reassuringly on his. He would go to great lengths to make his family feel safe, but he couldn't bring himself to break his own heart again by leaving Redhawk Caldera yet another time.

He did not understand, but he knew that he had no choice but to accept it, even though he felt abandoned and like Teya was following insanity rather than reason. He looked at her, pleading, as she made her case, and whispered in hoarse desperation, Let us help heal your wounds. He was fast running out of energy to fight this, and could feel his breath catching in his throat and tears threatening to spill in a painfully familiar way. Maia tried to explain what she'd gone through, but Eljay was out of words, at this point using all his energy to keep himself from entirely falling apart -- and held together largely by Maia's fur pressing against him.

What Maia said was the right thing to say, of course -- they'd be there if Teya came back -- but Eljay could not bring himself to say it, or even to nod in agreement.

how could they hear her and talk still of her staying? were they even listening? teya felt almost reduced to a child as maia softly warned her against leaving and eljay begged to heal her. 
was she so broken? unable to voice the defeated sensations, she only held his paw a little tighter and hugged maia a bit longer. "you can't," she told eljay with a final softness.
"i love you," said to maia, but her eyes held him as well; her chin trembled; she wanted to stay, but a sharp outtake of breath said she could not.
perhaps for the last time, teya ishtar turned away from the blackthorn den and headed into the shadows of brecheliant, determined now to be gone lest more tears spring to beloved eyes on her behalf.

She was so distraught, and so angry, that the feeling surprised even herself. Maia knew it wasn’t her place to say what Teya, an adult and a mother twice over, should or shouldn’t do. But she loved her and it hurt her deeply to know that she and Eljay were dispensable. They were family. Family was who you went to when you needed support.

Teya did not see them this way, apparently. She didn’t want their help, and in fact, felt staying would do more harm than good. Maia could only see this as a reflection of herself. And out of everyone here, Maia’s own self was the one she was angriest at. Maybe this was why their children looked for support in other places too. Maybe only Maia and Eljay saw this place as a family, and maybe she’d failed in making sure the others felt that too.

I love you, Maia managed to respond, though her voice broke partially through. She wasn’t able to say anything else as Teya disappeared and instead clung close to Eljay, grappling with all of these new feelings that she didn’t know how to process.

It hurt that she wasn't willing to give it even a chance. He understood the hurt all too well — he had lost enough in his lifetime — but for him it had always helped more to stay with his family and those closest to him, rather than run away. He had tried that once, and it had not worked for him. He frowned as she decided. As she tightened her hug with Maia, he realised that it was last call, and quickly moved in to hug Teya tight. Even though he was hurting, he didn't want to look back to this moment and regret not doing so. As words were exchanged, Eljay wanted to say the same — I love you — but he felt so overwhelmed that he only managed a, You too — I mean, me too. He looked at Teya release herself from the embrace and leave him and Maia through watery eyes and that was it; before he knew it, she was gone.

Like his mate, Eljay closed in on his anchor, and he hugged his body close to Maia's while he, too, struggled to fully comprehend what just happened, and what he might've done to avoid it.