Big Salmon Lake Endless phone calls and dreaming about you

It didn't take Fennec long to backtrack. She wasn't trying to be obstinate, wasn't trying to undermine Bronco's fear, but she couldn't stop herself.

Nothing upset Fennec more than when someone assumed she couldn't do something. In fact... just about every stupid decision she'd ever made, up to this point, came from an assumption somewhere that she couldn't handle the thing in question. Her travels when she was younger, her fight with Niamh... her running off. Even some of the less stupid ones, like her trip with Penn, or going to live at Moonspear. Or training to be a warrior.

Her life was essentially an entire "fuck you" to anyone who looked at her and thought she might not be capable. And, in her mind... Bronco had done just that.

He hadn't said it in as many words, but she read it easily enough between the lines, and it burned. Maybe he was right, maybe he was wrong, but she didn't have anything to hide. So when she went back to the lake, she didn't bother to try and hide the scent she carried. If they were going to find anyone, she was going to make damn sure it was her. If Bronco had ever been up to giving them a fight, he damn sure wasn't now. And that... was a whole other thing.

She hated how much that mattered to her.

She kept her ears alert for anyone who might be approaching and stayed out of the water (despite the heat of the day). She'd come here for a reason; there were willow trees nearby and she could use more bark. For now, however, she simply wound a path around the lake's edge. She could visit the trees on her way home.

It was unusual for Eljay to leave the pack. The only time he had in recent times was when he'd visited Ruenna to save her the trip, and he had hated it. Today the only reason that he left the pack at all was to gather some willow bark from the edges of Lake Rodney. It was the territory he knew the best, because it was in between Brecheliant and Redhawk Caldera, and because it was his go-to territory to try and go outside Redhawk Caldera when he was younger.

He stayed mostly on his side of the lake. Eljay startled when he saw a familiar figure in the distance, and stood and watched her for some time. Then it hit him — it was Fennec. They hadn't talked since Eljay had left Redhawk Caldera. He'd only heard stories of things she'd done — such as attack one of his wolves, albeit in accident — but he had no idea what her life was like, or how she was doing.

After a moment of hesitation Eljay decided to head over to her and postpone his willow bark hunt. When he came closer he noticed that she, too, was gathering bark, and could not help but smile. She'd learned well, and he was glad to see that she was still practising as a caretaker. Hey Fennec, long time no see, he called out to her as he approached, his words soft and welcoming even though his heart felt wary — how would she respond to meeting him again after this long?

I have so much muse for angry Fenn right now lolol

Despite wandering for a while, she didn't encounter anyone. Maybe it was too much to hope for, that they'd be so hot on his trail. Fuck. She'd just have to come back then.

And she would, repeatedly, until they did.

Settled on that, she let her steps lead her eastward, towards the small copse of willows she knew lay nearby. She wasn't there long before she heard someone approaching and, still somewhat alert from the company she expected, turned defensively towards them. Her hackles didn't relax until she heard Eljay's voice. What the hell was he doing here?

Yeah. Long time. She replied, with a curt tone that was definitely unwarranted. She'd been doing a pretty good job lately of slamming doors and Eljay had a tendency to "mentor" that shit out of people (or whatever). She wasn't interested. Why couldn't he have been someone she could simply beat the shit out of? Was that too much to ask?

Fennec clawed harder at the bark of the tree, gouging the wood in the process and snapping the piece of bark she'd been trying to pull.

It was evident that Fennec wasn't very interested in socialising with him. Eljay got that; he did disappear rather abruptly, after all. It didn't really occur to him that Fennec had left a bunch of times herself, and so perhaps it wasn't really about that for her; that she didn't mind as much as some of the other wolves of the pack might have, because she knew what it was like to have to leave someplace. No, in Eljay's mind the cold shoulder had to be about him leaving.

Yeah, he repeated sheepishly, not sure how to respond initially and taken aback by her cold response. I'm sorry for leaving without saying good-bye. Eljay felt the need to explore in fine detail why he had left, but he knew that it wouldn't make a difference, so he stopped himself in the end. Fennec wasn't interested in those details, no doubt.

She huffed out a small, disingenuous laugh.  Don't be.  You had the right idea.  God.  She was still on this, wasn't she.

She didn't know if she meant it, but it felt like she did.  Maybe she had stepped down, but her mom didn't have to immediately promote someone else, did she?  Or, even fucking worse, immediately
make Ruenna a Sovereign.  Like she was making some kind of statement. 

Deep down, her anger hid a whole world of hurt, but she hadn't bothered sharing any of it with anyone save Bronco.  And that whole reunion had been such a mess that it barely counted. 

This family's a joke.  Harsh, but fuck it.  Eljay left on bad terms, didn't he? So he probably knew what the hell she was talking about.

Eljay frowned when Fennec said that he had the right idea to leave. He could not help but wonder if anything had happened. Fennec wasn't the type to get as swamped and stressed as he, he felt, to get all bogged down. He had no idea that she had a child, of course, or that she'd been part of leadership for some time. He wondered if Towhee had been angry at Fennec for attacking Bridget for a moment, but would she really make Fennec so angry that she still was, now? Hadn't Bridget visited at a later time and done alright with Fennec? He didn't remember all of the details, though. The only way to really find out was ask, but it was a daunting prospect.

He let silence linger in the air between them a bit longer while he stewed in his thoughts and wondered what to say. Fennec said that the family was a joke and Eljay asked, Did something happen? with a sympathetic frown on his face. He was willing to listen, but it was always a question whether Fennec was willing to spill. She wasn't exactly the touchy-feely type of wolf, after all; like many of the Redhawk Caldera wolves.

Fennec made a noise of annoyed affirmation in her throat, but didn't say anything for a moment. Why should she? It wasn't like any of it mattered. No one could fix any of this, and it wasn't like she didn't bring all of this shit on herself. It was just.... why the fuck didn't anyone bother to stop a moment and consider what she might be going through?

I'm over trying to be something I'm not. And it turns out, no one really cared that I tried anyway. So it was all for fucking nothing in the end. Fennec replied, absolutely nonsensically. She wasn't about to get into the details of it though. It was all raw. Why bother? Only reason they'd even care if I bolted is because of Killdeer.

A part of her knew that was bullshit, but lately, it felt more true than normal. Maybe it was her own fucking fault but - was it her fault everyone else had so much fucked shit in their lives? Was it her fault that she dealt with her own shit herself? No. It was admirable, and you know what? She deserved better than their judgment for it. She was a fantastic mom, she'd been a fucking fantastic Regent, and they should have recognized that.

It seemed there was indeed something on Fennec's mind, and finally she spilled the beans. Eljay wondered if it was anything like what he had felt many times in Redhawk Caldera, but he tried not to project too much. After all, Fennec was a wildly different person from him. Odds were pretty available that she did not feel the same way, and that she was able to handle a lot more pressure than he was. So he decided to simply try and listen to her rather than figure it all out. It wasn't his job to fix this, anyway. He was just here to help a friend.

He could not help but think that the wolves of the Caldera were not good at expressing that they might want someone to stick around, but that didn't mean they actually didn't want them around. However, all his thoughts were shot out the window when Fennec mentioned someone called 'Killdeer'. Eljay tilted his head and asked, Killdeer..? And waited for an answer before giving any sort of advice. Advice was probably not what Fennec needed, anyway; she sounded like she just needed a good rant, perhaps, and the knowledge that her feelings were valid. He'd get to that part later.

She'd been turned away, her voice full of bitterness as she scraped recklessly at the bark. Now, though, she dropped down to the ground at his question, and a big sigh left her. My son. And Eljay's... something, she suddenly realized, through Bronco. But she didn't mention that.

Her voice lost most of its ire with that reveal, but for once, she didn't want to talk about Killdeer right this second. Everything was about him lately, him or her mom and Reyes. Still, she waited for the inevitable turn, the questions he'd ask that would have her explaining. She'd forgotten he'd left before she told everyone she was having any kids.

My son, she said. Eljay perked up and his eyes shone with a mixture of surprise and positivity. Fennec finally stopped her reckless scratching — he bark seemed to be long gone from the tree already — and looked at him, seeming a bit calmer. Of course, she couldn't see the myriad of expressions that passed his face. Somehow, Fennec just didn't seem like the mother type of person, but all the same Eljay's first response was a hearty and soft-spoken (mostly due to the earlier strained conversation pieces and the state Fennec was in), Congratulations, Fenn.

He didn't immediately ask about Killdeer, because he told himself that he would just have to visit. Fennec was important to him in some way — he'd been her mentor for some time and he remembered trying to fix things between her and Niamh back when — and he wanted to meet the little tyke who was so important in her life.

But right now Fennec was right in front of him, and he felt that it wasn't the right moment to talk about her son. That'd happen when he would visit, Eljay promised himself. Instead, he said after a short silence, I think the most important thing in life is that you uhm... you should do what's good for you. What feels good for you. Eljay had waited too long to craft his own path, always feeling insignificant. He was another side of the same coin Fennec was struggling with: because he was underappreciated and had been bullied in his youth, he thought he was worthless. Ever since joining Brecheliant, Eljay had come to realise that there were places that were different than Redhawk Caldera and Drageda. That there were wolves who were more soft and appreciative out there. Better for him to be around. He didn't necessarily think it was better for Fennec to be around, but he did want her to realise that what she was worth was something she decided; not the wolves of Redhawk Caldera. You decide what you're worth. Not they. Eljay wasn't sure if it was helpful, or if Fennec even needed this pep talk at all; but he wanted to let her know just in case it was helpful.

Of course, he was right. The tension in her began to unwind slowly.

Only she got to decide what she was worth, and being upset about them was a waste of time. It wasn't something that she could help and the pain was still there, but thinking that way did help. She was strong and she could deal with this. She didn't need their validation to know that she was great, or their help to know what she wanted or needed. She never had.

You're right. Fennec felt around with a paw idly for the mess she'd made of the bark. She hadn't done a great job removing it but at least she had some to take back. It's stupid. They can't help anyway. Even if her mom had asked, what could she have done? She could have at least cared was the sulky response, but Fennec resolved to be over it. She was done letting it get to her. Maybe she was too old to run to mom for things, and more likely than not, Towhee had done her a favor here.

Eljay's gaze dropped to the bark as Fennec's paw moved over the pieces she had ravaged from the tree. He was glad to see that she seemed to calm down a little now, but he still wondered what was on her mind. Especially, he wondered what she meant with 'they can't help anyway'. Help with what..? he asked gently, trying to make it clear through tone that she only needed to answer that question if she was comfortable enough with it.

She was tired of keeping it in.  She needed to talk about it but refused to bring it up, a situation that had led her to fester over the previous weeks.  Eljay's quiet question opened the gates to all of it.

Bronco left.  He said he was just going to look for his mom, but it'd been too long.  I thought he wasn't coming back.  There.  She'd said it.  No one cared.  All mom wants to talk about is Reyes, how she had to kick him out, how glad she is to be rid of him.  How the fuck am I supposed to deal with that?!  How doesn't she get it!?

It's so fucking stupid, I know she can't do anything.  But would it kill her to pretend she cares a little about what I'm fucking feeling?  Maybe.  It wasn't like she'd been forthcoming.  But it felt like, lately, anytime she'd gone to her mom the conversation had been about her, her problems, what Fennec could do for her.  And she just had... zero space left.  She couldn't.

And then Bronco just showed up again, out of nowhere. And he's different, and everything is different, and I have no clue what to do about any of it. Fuck, everything was a lot. And no way Eljay was going to have the answers either, but just saying it helped. Maybe she didn't feel good, but she didn't feel nearly as murdery as she had.

holy heck it's been so long I forgot my own threadlog timeline LOL. Edited to fix

Finally Fennec spilled all the beans. Bronco left — Eljay didn't know that Bronco was the father of Killdeer, well, not until about halfway through the entire story anyway — and at first it confused him that Fennec cared so much about whether Bronco was here or there, since she always seemed so aloof and detached from home herself, going and coming where the winds blew her. It was different with kids, it seemed.

Towhee was self-absorbed through it all, it seemed, and only cared about Reyes. It didn't surprise Eljay — it was one of the things that had driven him to leave in the end, he just couldn't handle not being prioritised and he didn't have the backbone to make himself be prioritised — and he wasn't sure what to say about it. He didn't want to be mean or even tell Fennec that he felt the same way. Maybe Fennec was just upset now, and it'd pass over in time.

Instead he waited too long with answering, and Fennec'd already gotten to the last part of the story. Bronco had returned, and he was different now. By now Eljay had connected the presumable dots of Bronco being Killdeer's father, though he wasn't sure what it all meant. Different how? Eljay did not ask, though. He instead remained silent for some time before he eventually said, I know it can be hard. I know that some of the wolves in y— in our family, they can be focused on themselves and not those around them. It was strange somehow, to call them family now. But they were. Eljay still felt a pang of regret that he had never told Towhee good-bye, but he knew that she would've forced him to stay. And now it was too late, now it was so long ago that it would be awkward to see her again. He knew he couldn't postpone it forever. But just, he wanted to postpone it at least for another little bit. Just for now.

... They do care, though. He hoped they did; needed to believe they did, maybe, even if he'd been so out of touch with them and they with him. He knew Fennec was tough and could fend for herself, but he could not help but offer nonetheless: If you ever need to talk about anything, you're always welcome at Brecheliant, you know.

It made her feel a little better to spill all of this, but she didn't really get the clarity or the magic answers she'd hoped for. Eljay clearly listened, cared, and reassured her that they cared. Though a part of Fennec scoffed at that response. What did he know? He wasn't around, and he hadn't seen how things had been lately. It wasn't her fault her mom had taken a dive off the deep end with Reyes and all that shit, but she could have used some support.

Not that she'd ask, of course.

Yeah. Okay. It was clearly an agreement of politeness with no real intention of follow through. No offense to Brecheliant, but she doubted they could do much for her in the end. Thanks. For listening and... shit. She added this second comment as a quiet addition. It didn't solve anything but she did appreciate it.

Bronco was going to be her deal to sort out, and while she was tempted to shoot the shit about him, doing it with Eljay felt weird. That was his... uncle? And it wasn't something she wanted to dish with to a guy who wouldn't get it. The one she wanted to talk to was her mom, but Towhee didn't seem much interested. Resentment flared again, briefly, lit by a surge of paranoid hurt. Too busy avoiding me.

You really like it there, huh? In Brecheliant. Fennec pressed instead, abruptly shifting gears to focus the conversation on him. It was interesting to hear him so settled anywhere else. She'd figured he might be miserable (though she hoped not).

Eljay didn't press any further after Fennec said 'okay'. He didn't need her to confide in him in any way; he just needed her to know that she was welcome anytime. He nodded with a soft smile, which widened when she then thanked him for listening. He was just happy to be there for her. Fennec was a little bit like a daughter to him in some way, considering she had been his mentee. He was just happy to see her thrive, and he hoped that things'd get better for her back at the Caldera.

The return question surprised Eljay. Oh... Yeah. Honestly, he was as surprised as anyone to thrive elsewhere than Redhawk Caldera. It's a nice place, with great wolves. They've really become my family in some way. Eljay smiled at Fennec. We've had a lot of rough patches there, but it's nice to... Eljay visibly hesitated a moment. ... To feel appreciated, I guess, and not so stressed all the time. He'd never really said those words out loud: that Redhawk Caldera had made him feel nervous and stressed all the time. That was why he had left, but even when he'd left, he hadn't said it. Even in Brecheliant, he hadn't said it. It was for Maia. And it was true in many ways. If not for Maia, he probably would've stayed at Redhawk Caldera forever. But at the same time, it was good for him to have left because of how it'd made him feel to be there. It was good to live without that constant pressure.

The way he described it reminded her of how she'd felt in Firefly Glen. Of course, she'd fucked it up for herself, even before the place was... yeah. But she still wondered, at times, what things would have been like if she hadn't. It was hard not to.

Good. He deserved that, and unlike her, he was smart enough to see it for what it was. She was beginning, however slowly, to see a slight pattern in herself though. What kind of growth that'd bring was hard to tell, but self reflection was a hell of a drug right now.

She'd been happy, but she'd freaked out, self sabotaged, and lost that. It was more complicated than that at the time, sure, but she'd still never recapture that. And nowhere since had lived up to it.

Maybe I will. Sometime. And see if Killdeer wants to too. She subsided into quiet while she finished gathering what she needed of the bark. If he didn't start a conversation, she'd quietly say farewell before heading back the way she came. She had a few things to think on, more maybe than when she'd started, but that didn't mean he hadn't helped immensely. And it was good to know she had someone in her corner right now, even if she didn't plan to use him again anytime too soon. He was happy; she wasn't going to fuck with that too much.

Eljay smiled when Fennec said that she and Killdeer might visit sometime. While she gathered her bark, he said, You're always welcome. Any of his family was, although Eljay still wondered if Towhee would ever want to visit him. Brecheliant must remind her of Wraen's death now, and she was possibly still either angry at him, or she had forgotten all about his existence by now. He wasn't sure things'd ever be alright again. It didn't help that he hadn't visited and hadn't even said good-bye, but still... He wished that things were better between him and Towhee now. He wished they could see each other and talk sometimes — like Wraen after she had left.

See you later, Eljay said softly as Fennec gathered up the bark, and he made to leave; back to Brecheliant. It was good to see Fennec, even though for him it had also brought up a lot of memories and thought of wolves his his past, that he rued were not in his future. Despite all the stress being in Redhawk Caldera had given him, despite all the pressure he could not handle, his heart was still full for his Redhawk family.