Redsand Canyon I don't care if it hurts

whenever you have time <3

It had been a few days since he returned, and he had rested for every part of those days. The time with Aquene had been the only thing keeping him from going crazy cooped up in the medicine den. 

So he had taken a walk to the Oasis. He was unsure what the healer had been called away to do, but he had taken the opportunity to get some fresh air. He didn't think she would be too mad if he stayed close to the tablinum. 

His hope was to come across the imperator. The fact that he hadn't told @Germanicus about Aquene was eating at him. He didn't like to keep secrets from those he cared about, and he worried it already looked like that to the imperator. Had he not been restricted from working, he might have searched along the borders, but he sat near the water of the Oasis instead. He knew he was capable of a patrol, but he also knew he would be in a lot of pain after. Plus Aquene would be upset. It wasn't worth it. 

The imperator would pass by eventually.

<3

"it is good to see you up and around, kallik."

he had come to wash the morning's hunting from his coat. the caches were growing even as snow fell in the range surrounding the canyon.

germanicus said nothing more as he splashed water over his forelegs and face.

in time he came to air-dry beside kallik, facing toward the training arena in companionable silence.

He turned his head as the imperator approached and nodded his own greeting. I'm not sure Aquene will agree, but I am restless. He was without something to keep busy and it left him open for things he didn't want to think about. The soldier almost shrugged his shoulders, but then remembered how much the motion hurt.

Kallik was also silent as Germanicus cleaned blood and dirt from his fur. It made the auxillary a little jealous; he wished he had been hunting this morning too. The staying in one place was worse than any punishment the imperator could come up with. 

And then the auxillary had his full attention. He wasn't one for small talk, and it would just be delaying the inevitable. He and Glaukos had fought and killed a cougar; he could talk about this with Germanicus. 

I would have brought this up sooner, but there was the fight and then I was gone, then I came back injured. He was rambling a bit. It was probably the longest sentence he had spoken with the imperator. Kallik wanted to make it clear that had not withheld anything on purpose. Aquene and I are...together, he finally said. His heart raced but he kept his face blank. We do not want to get married right now or have kids. She apparently has ways to prevent, um, that. This was more awkward than he could have imagined. But he wanted the imperator to understand that this wasn't him being impulsive.

we are together.

germanicus was not angered. he was also not surprised but felt this would be too smug a thing to mention in this moment. 

it did not stop him.

"i find the two of you to have been quite obvious." his face was stern and tone to match. but there was no hardness to germanicus this time. "and if by together you mean you have been intimate, all the more reason to hasten your wedding day." they wanted to court but they had begun to improperly. the eagle's rigid mind did not care for casual coupling. 

"i am not someone who wishes to arrange marriages, kallik. i think it to be a foul practice. i also am completely and eagerly unaware of such feminine secrets as to interrupt nature." germanicus did not care to listen. he did not believe in it and felt that the impact of the season was crushingly felt by either sex.

"it is my opinion that you have made your choice in one another and that it is foolhardy to wait. suppose aquene wishes to end your courtship and begin another with your brother in arms. you would be compromised, both at home and in the field." 

the silver wolf cleared his throat. "this may be a matter for the matrona and i to discuss together. are you able to tell me whether or not the medicus has informed her leader?"

Kallik wanted to internally disagree with the imperator on the fact that they had been obvious, but now that it had been pointed it out, it was hard not to see it for the truth that it was. 

He felt foolish. Even when he was trying not to break the rules, it seemed his decision always led him to the same place: getting a lecture from Germanicus. At least he didn't sound angry; the auxillary wasn't sure he could handle a punishment right now. 

He and the imperator had very different ideas of what courting meant; the commander was more old fashioned and unyielding in his beliefs. He also didn't seem to have much faith in Aquene's ability to mitigate her heat and prevent children. Kallik wasn't exactly surprised

He wanted them to be married regardless of their feelings about it. And Kallik couldn't argue against his logic; if Aquene ended things and started to pursue one of his fellow soldiers, the auxillary would not be reasonable about it. 

Aquene has discussed it to some extent with the matrona, he answered. And if we don't want to be married right now? he asked. Would he be expected to end things with the healer? Just the thought threatened to suffocate him.

"that is something for the matrona and i to discuss. it affects both of you and i am not able or willing to make a decision about aquene on her behalf."

germanicus felt that the boy might find this unfair. he shifted his shoulders beneath the dark silver of his pelt. "it is possible to be both a soldier and a husband, kallik. but while you are not yet decided to marry, your focus must be mereo and all its inhabitants. you cannot allow yourself to be distracted by her."

he cleared his throat. "i am not opposed to allowing you to meet with a chaperone. but this is dependent upon the matrona's choice as well." he looked at the younger wolf. "there can be no more fraternizing, am i understood? i will not force you to be married but i will insist that you keep from one another's beds."

Kallik wasn't surprised to hear the imperator would need to discuss this with the matrona. Aquene had held hope that they would be fine with everything, but the auxillary knew it would not be so easy. There were rules, and they weren't exactly breaking them, but they weren't following them either. 

Another thing he wasn't surprised to hear: he was not to let the healer become a distraction. Already, Kallik had proven that he couldn't be reasonable where Aquene was concerned, so he supposed he had that coming. He thought of how his outburst had put he and Glaukos on the other side of the territory while there was an attack happening; the knot of shame that lived in his chest tightened and somehow felt heavy. 

Kallik's gaze had been glued to the water as the imperator spoke. But when Germanicus told him he could only spend time with Aquene in the presence of a chaperone, his gaze lifted in surprise. He was being treated like a child, and he knew if he said that, the impertator would likely point out that he had been acting like one. Kallik suddenly wanted to be anywhere other than here, under the commander's judgement. He didn't even know what to say at this point. 

He needed to talk to Aquene. Can I be allowed to speak to Aquene about this in private? Surely the imperator trusted him enough to allow them some privacy while they figured out what they wanted to do.

germanicus wanted to grow more terse. kallik was being rather unreasonable in his opinion. young love did not give the soldier a free ticket to do as he pleased. already he had strayed once and now again inside their walls. until he learned to control his lustful impulses he would be forever divided.

"arrange your meetings in the common area. inform me and i will ensure you are alone. do not give me another reason to send you off again, kallik. there is still the north."

not a threat. a promise. he would choose to be a husband or he would choose to be a soldier.

The imperator's first words were fair. Kallik had no issue with meeting in a public place; he just didn't appreciate someone listening in on something that was both important and private. 

But the threat had anger rising in his chest. He wanted to lash out with his words and tell Germanicus to fuck off. He wanted to tell him he would save him the trouble and head up to the north right now. Mereo could deal with whatever came without him for a few more weeks. He felt the tightness in his chest, the words sitting in his throat. 

But then Aquene's face flashed in his mind, and he knew he couldn't tell the imperator any of the angry words that begged to be said. His jaw tightened, but it would be the only sign of his anger; the rest of the soldier was icy and composed.

He was afraid to say anything at all so instead, he just turned and trotted away. He would do as the imperator demanded, if only to keep things between him and Aquene from getting anymore complicated.

germanicus watched the flash of ire followed by the retreat of the soldier.

he did not know how lady ruenna dealt with her plebians, but surely it must be more straightforward than this.

the eagle did not wish a rift to widen between himself and kallik. and yet this was the angering part of discipline: learning that the control one had in a situation might be the difference between life and death.

he let out his breath sharply and headed in the opposite direction.