Lion Head Mesa I'm coming home again, all alone

The journey from the borders back to the heart of Akashingo was harder than the excursion out. By the time that Crowfeather had reached the hallways to the living quarters, he could feel his limbs quaking from the effort of keeping him up. He pressed his shoulder to the wall for support, trying to steady his breath.

The seer could not smell the others in the area. He had winded himself to the point that the only scents in his nose were from him – the only feeling in his throat was a dry struggle for air. Could he really journey from the mesa to the mountains? A solemn glance back at his scarred ankle filled him with spite. Crowfeather did not want to see Ramesses, or Satsu. He did not want to entertain the Pharaoh’s Fellahin.

Pushing forward slowly and shakily, the shadow searched the halls for @Belen.

a girl was visiting from brecheliant! or rather she had — it was all very confusing. she had gotten up the courage to visit the prince's quarters, only to find him gone. pensively belen began her own search, trying not to appear too eager as she trailed along the leavings of his scent. it was upon her return journey that she found him, winded and visibly tired. "your highness!" she cried, letting her rein of control disappear as she ran toward him along the halls. belen tucked herself close. "lean on me. i will help you back to your rooms." where had he gone? and why? she did not ask, only focused on supporting him as best as she was able.

And then her voice sounded. Belen’s slight figure rushed to his side. She offered her support. Crowfeather tried to refuse, to push her away. 

Don’t touch me. Don’t- 

The shadow’s expression was a grief stricken one. As he turned to face Belen, he could not support the motion and he slouched against her with a cry. 

No, no… no, no. I don’t want to. I don’t want to. Crowfeather gasped in a desperate breath of air.

belen was surprised, was shocked. she grunted as the prince's weight fell against her. "what happened?" she asked brightly, urgently. "were you hurt out there?" her eyes were filled with concern. something was amiss, and it was so thoroughly different that she could not even take a moment to enjoy that they were at last touching one another.

He left me here!

The prince’s voice echoed through the hallways and rang back in his ears. It was a desperate noise. It brought shame to him. The shadow tried to push Belen away. Even her gentle touch could not chase away his thundering heart.

Crowfeather would not meet her gaze. His body burned against her. He did not want to be there, to touch her, to even look upon her kind glass blue eyes.

Stars, he was tired.

belen pulled away from him; she racked her mind; she blurted: "germanicus?" before she could stop herself. the girl pulled into her own body and watched crowfeather, stricken. she had only meant to support him but it seemed he was beyond her. she had never heard his voice this way before. a sob stuttered in her throat. "do you want me to help you?" she asked hoarsely, unsure now of what she might say, how she might regard him. did he hate her?

The sound of his name forced his teeth to grit together. Belen did not respond with the same care as she might have, had he kept his mouth shut.

There was space between them. Belen looked to him, the sound of her cry hanging on her words. Crowfeather burned with shame. He’d hurt her. He’d hurt her… She had not deserved it and he forced his sadness upon her without consideration.

What could Belen do to help? They could not hide away his hurt beneath their paws. There was no game that could fix the ache inside him. The shadow did not know what answer he could offer her that would erase his outburst or the meanness he had physically shown.

I…

Crowfeather could not even look at her.

I… want to die.

Crowfeather only hated himself.

"die?" it was belen's turn to be shocked, to flush with tears. "but there is so much you have not seen. there is so much i have not shown you, crowfeather," she said, near-pleading. her throat bobbed with a pained swallow, but she tried to smile through the cascade of salt upon her face. "i can comfort you. let me do that." her glassblue eyes searched his face, desperate, demanding.

Belen wished to comfort him.

Crowfeather laughed.

How? The warm gold in his eyes shifted to her. His voice had been frayed. How can you comfort me? There could not be a way to drive away his pain. There could be nothing she could give to him that would mend his wounded heart. The shadow did not have a right to feel the way that he did. He had allowed himself to hold onto fanciful dreams, ideas of Germanicus and a life that – to Crowfeather – they could have lived together.

Weariness overcame him again. Tears and tortured steps had emptied his vessel of any remaining strength.

There are better wolves… who deserve the comfort you can offer.

he laughed. belen's eyes grew hard under the shimmering veneer of tears. whatever she had felt toward him was intensified — and lessened. "maybe i think you are deserving." belen sniffed viciously, willing her eyes to dry up. of course they did not. "you will not even let me try." she lifted her chin defiantly and pressed back against the wall. "if you want to go, i will not annoy you longer." it was jawahir's tones in her mouth, kasmut's poise in her body, but her eyes remained stark and wanting and full of beseechment. and his were filled with tears.

Maybe she thought he was deserving. He did not.

You won’t even let me try, she had tried to say in defiance.

Crowfeather fixed his gaze on her, watching her tears. She said she would leave, that she would cease annoying him if that was what he wished. If he wanted to leave, she would not try to help. Wasn’t that what he deserved?

I love him.

The words had left before he could restrain them. They did not offer relief. Crowfeather did not know what would. Admitting his feelings to Belen was foolish. She could not help. She could not comfort.

I only came to say goodbye…

belen did not understand love. she had heard it said many times. she had heard it whispered between the pharaoh and his queen. but it took too many forms. and none were as pure and anguished as the way crowfeather said it now. in that moment all belen could think was that no one had ever spoken to her like this, about her like this. what would it be to have a prince say in such certain terms that he loved her? "where are you going?" her voice ground out in a whisper.

The whisper from the girl clawed at him.

Where?

Crowfeather shook his head to her, sniffing back the snot that lingered on the lip of his nose. He shook his head twice, shoulders sagging. There were too many memories in Akashingo. There were too many places where he could see Germanicus. But everything in the mesa had lost his scent. Even the Fellahin did not know him.

Somewhere far… far from here.

For Crowfeather had only ever been good at one thing: running.

belen did not try to hide her tears. they ran fierce and fast and silent along her cheeks. but in her own pain she could see his; they mirrored each other for a moment. she had only ever wanted to please; she had set her eyes upon crowfeather and decided she would be the one able to make him happy. this had been a dream, nothing more than effervescent nonsense. her heart hurt. in this second a vine of thorns encircled it and squeezed hard. the kiss she offered him was not the passionate thing she had envisioned, but a press to his cheek. "when?" if she could not have him, then akashingo would not either. she thought of the woman lilitu and knew her current decision was struck from jealousy.

Tonight. After Akashingo sleeps, he answered. 

Realizing the risk he had made, Crowfeather looked to Belen with an expression of panic. Please, do not say anything to Ramesses. Please. The Pharaoh was frightening in his talent with words. The seer did not know if he would have the strength to hold his ground when faced with the lapis gaze and the man’s demanding tone. 

I have to see Germanicus. And I- I need as much of a head start as I can get. The dark figure glanced to his mauled ankle, wishing that it had been ripped from his leg. A stub sounded better than the weak limb that curled at the weight of his body.

she too glanced at his leg, but grief had made the prince resolute. he would leave. he would find germanicus. belen would not see him again. "tavina sleeps at the third hour of the morning," she told him, assuming that crowfeather would know how to read the time by the moon. her blueglass eyes searched his tearstained features. "you should rest until then." belen swallowed hard, searching for even the faintest veneer of control. "i will say nothing." not a word. not a sound. the servant girl planned to be very drunk by the time that the prince crept from his room.

Thank you, Belen… his voice was a whisper. Crowfeather touched his nose to her cheek quickly before pulling away and shuffling to his chambers. He planned to sleep until the stars had blanketed the sky. Anxiety pulled at him and forced him to wonder if Belen would lie to him. He did not want to consider it, so he did not.

When night fell and the moon rose overhead, Crowfeather slipped from Akashingo and into the wilds.