Lost Creek Hollow espu[m]a

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silvertongue dreamed of a burning tree. she was belen once more, watching the silent backs of her mother and father retreat. belen realized she had forgotten their names; she shouted but no sound emerged from her throat. in the dream she turned her eyes upon the yew-tree wreathed in flames and inhaled. and when silvertongue came awake in her bower, the tree's fire had filled her with a delicious throb. she knew what this was, yes, and saw that it had come for her at last. the starglow woman was languid with it, and then energetic; she leapt to her paws and described a small dancing circle. above riverclan, the winterlight sky was rife with a thousand tiny lights, and it was by their sheen that she sought @Crowfeather.

Silvertongue, he spoke groggily, voice tender with love. 

Crowfeather’s soft honey gaze searched her features. He breathed in her scent and found it overwhelming. Had she dreamed of Akashingo? The shadow worried for her. He shifted so that he could see the bright of her eyes and take in her features. 

Are you okay? he whispered in question.

entering his den, silvertongue slid against him in the ways of silken water. she knew he did not wish for her in this way; his touch was comfort all the same. she did not mean a seduction but a seeking in the only man she trusted. "i am all right." her smile was quick. "i have to go away for a while, crowfeather. either — deep into riverclan or somewhere out there. seven days." she closed her eyes against the blackbird beauty of him. "you will be all right for a little bit, si?"

Away? 

He shifted, slinging his arm over her to pull her against him. Why did she need to leave? Crowfeather felt his heart beat quicken. He thought of Germanicus who had promised to return and never had. He had left without looking back. While he knew that the beautiful girl beside him would not behave in this way, his fears would not let him think rationally. 

No-No. Don’t go, his voice cracked with desperation. The hold of his arm tightened on her figure. He could smell her stronger. Silvertongue’s warmth had filled the room and his senses. He felt his stomach stir. 

Stay here. Stay with me. Please don’t leave me.

silvertongue heard the desperation in his voice, felt the tensing of his arm around her, their bodies pressed together in the half-darkness lit by the starclan he had built the hollow to know. "do you feel that?" she breathed of the silent lightning in the air motes around them. "i have to go or i will be ah, crowfeather," she murmured against his coat. "or i will get — with child." she chuckled gently, but the sound eased into something else. "i saw how the queen changed." she never spoke of akashingo. she did not know why it came to her now, paws wending into his soft fur.

Sandy had told him that he shouldn’t push for this, that it wasn’t right.

He did not know the pain Germanicus had inflicted on the shadow’s heart! He did not know the kindness Silvertongue had offered, the hope she had given him for his future.

Her closeness was intoxicating to him. He could smell the heat of her. The shadow’s body close with her own. Silvertongue spoke of the queen’s changes and he wondered if she did not like that about being a woman. He did not know. The gift of carrying children could never be offered to him.

You do not want these changes?

Honey eyes searched her face.

You would be a good mother, Silvertongue. The shadow’s voice was scarcely above a whisper.

the idea of it tensed silvertongue into a bar of shining silver beneath the starlight. "my mother was no one. how could i be like that? like her?" her voice was cinnamon-sharp. "i do not want to be responsible like that. only for myself. only for you, crowfeather," silvertongue went on, softening at last into the satiny sensation that soared through her body. "but that is why i must go away until it is over. it is temptation."

You are- You are not her.

Crowfeather felt he had overstepped. She didn’t want this. She wanted to leave until it had passed and he should not hold her there. He knew better. He knew that it was best for her to find peace with herself. The creeping fear that she would never come home had gripped him by the throat.

You are… sweet. You think of others before you think of yourself. You work hard. You are- he breathed out a sigh. You are clever and beautiful and- and- amazing.

The dark figure touched her gingerly with his snout. He kissed at her cheek, hoping that she would see all of her amazing features.

If you- If you wanted it… his heart beat quickly. I will give it to you. I will- I will be yours.

Hadn’t she earned that?

silvertongue shut her eyes and her heart to what crowfeather wished for her to be, these good things turning to ash when they touched her. he did not know the things she had done in her life, nor the pleasure-seeking she had lived. she was not made for motherhood and had no capacity to fathom it. his kiss sent fire spiraling beneath her breastbone; silvertongue pressed closer with a delightful shudder tracing her flesh. "i am not going to leave you, crowfeather. you do not have to give yourself to me to make me stay." so close, so close that she could not help but murmur with lips against his lovely face. "i do not want it." only you. she was slyly fond of the men she entertained but crowfeather had never accepted her servitude when he was made prince over her and nor did he seek to possess her now. she had not forgotten that he had seen her when she was only a slave.

Doubt crept in and found it’s familiar place in his heart.

No one wants you this way, Crowfeather. No one will ever want to love you.

Silvertongue did not want it. She could have any man that she wished, after all. Why would she wish to live that way with a sad, three-legged, shameful man? Crowfeather was a limited life. He was not capable. He was not strong. He could not make great things with his words or his actions. He was only a shadow who followed and kept to the dark.

The glass blue of her eyes was so close that he thought he could swim in them. Her smell so strong that his head felt filled with boozy fruits from the Pharaoh’s wares.

I’ll give you whatever you want, he said without stammering. The dark figure stirred.

"anything i want?" silvertongue's voice roughened. "i know to love one way, crowfeather. only one." her eyes were pools of swallowing light. "that is what i want. with you. but i will not be a mother." her heart cadenced to his; she felt shy when she thought of crowfeather responding to her, eager as she had been. she held him to her, marveling at the true streak of love in her, even now, even now as she sought not to tempt him even as he meant to fall into temptation.

The dark figure felt like he did not understand.

Silvertongue loved in one way, and she would not seek to expand on that. She did not wish to be a mother. He did not want to force such a role on her. Crowfeather knew well enough how difficult that was. If she was not meant for it, then she should not have to endure it.

He had thought the same of Germanicus, that he would be a good father. He wondered how the man’s children fared. He wondered how Ruenna enjoyed being married to the Imperator of Mereo. It ached in his heart to imagine it. The length of his body hurt with it.

I’ve- I’ve never done those things, Silvertongue…

Fear cracked his voice.

her breath flowered against his throat. "it does not matter." silvertongue had been taught in many ways that emotion crept through flesh, and so now it was the sum of many things. and tonight in the starshine over riverclan it had come full circle for them each. "i cannot be him, crowfeather. but for a while i know i can make you forget his face." her eyes were resolute.

Did he want to forget?

Crowfeather watched her with his sad eyes. The last time he could recall feeling happiness had been with him. They didn’t have to do anything, and he had felt it. The dark Star had built a bridge of trust between himself and Germanicus. He had not expected it to be torn down so easily. Perhaps he had not built it strong enough.

Then make me forget, he breathed to her.

silvertongue's hesitance was not long. her silvered frame was auraed in starlight as she pulled him beneath her body, beneath the pose of her hips for a while. and for the first time all of her skill was applied in love, in wanting to meet crowfeather where he journeyed, to keep steady with him until her body burst into a million motes and knit themselves together into healing. he was her prince, though he had not wanted it. prince of shadows, prince of stars. riverclan fell away for silvertongue, and time no longer existed. it was he and she and she sent her cries to heaven for a redemption she only felt with him.

This goal of forgetting was only made more impossible.

Silvertongue was sweet and kind. Her touches were soft, considerate of his needs. Crowfeather found himself so uncomfortable by the act that he was forced to explore thoughts elsewhere. The shadow found that if he thought of the silver eagle, it wasn’t so bad. If he could picture the sharp yellow of Germanicus’ eyes, then her lovingness could be fantasized as something else.

When they had finished, Crowfeather breathed quietly. His honey eyes were left open, through the night. He thought of Akashingo. He thought of the weight of his heart. He thought of how undeserving he was of the beautiful woman who had followed him to Riverclan.

Sleep did not find him. His thoughts consumed everything.