Sawtooth Spire But time makes you bolder

@Mahler if you have time, AW otherwise
back dated to early morning, 6/10

She had woken before the sun as usual; that hadn't changed no matter how much rest she got the previous day. She had briefly considered eating something, but quickly dismissed the thought when her stomach turned just from the thought of food. Eating was still a challenge for her for whatever reason, and she assumed that was why she was struggling to put weight back on. 

Her energy was slowly returning, though, and before she wasted too much of it that morning, she decided to climb into the higher elevations of the territory. She knew it would be cold up there, and that gave her more energy even as she began to tire after only making it halfway to her desired location. Even as thin as she was, she still hated the summer, and she would indulge in anything that provided a cool escape. 

She could feel the air get thinner and colder, the higher up she got, and that only spurred her forward despite her dwindling energy. In the end, she never made it up as high as she had intended, but she didn't really care because she found what she came up here for: snow. It had only just started to cover the ground when she finally gave up her trek, but it was enough to satisfy her for now. She found a particularly deep pile against an evergreen and plopped right down in the center of it, releasing a contented sigh that came out as a white puff around her face. The cold felt good on the muscles made sore by the exertion it took to get up here. 

She let the cold seep in and yawned sleepily. She had used most of her stores to get here, and her eyes began to get heavy. Within minutes, she was sound asleep in the snow; it was probably not the best idea since she might eventually get too cold before she woke up, but that wasn't really on her mind as she slipped into a peaceful sleep.

two days.
mahler had aged in that time. the slow shift of whitening hairs along his muzzle had accelerated; it was as if snowflakes had come to rest in small places that stippled his lips. eyes darkened by exhaustion, pelt uncombed and unadorned, mahler wore paths between nyx' den and the rendezvous where he kept phaedra.
on a whim, mahler glanced toward the reaches of sagtannet and began to climb, his abused paws cracking as he went. blood smeared the stones and onward he went, perturbed by the growing strength of takiyok's scent.
he found her asleep in a place that still brimmed with snow, and while mahler knew he must press on, must search for thade, must never end his search — he sank wearily some feet away, pressing his lacerated feet into the cold embrace of the drifts.

His scent made her stir a little but didn't immediately bring back to full consciousness until she registered the smell of blood intertwined with it; her eyes flicked open then, and her head raised quickly from where it had been resting on her paws. It still took her a moment to really see the snowy clearing around them but when she saw his dark fur against the stark white of the snow, she raised to her feet and trotted over, her eyebrows drawing together in concern. He looked awful, like she had never seen him look before. She had seen him tired and ragged, weighed down with responsibility, but this was different. His fur was wild and clumpy and she couldn't pinpoint exactly how, but he just looked older. Exhaustion and desperation clung to him in a way that left her speechless for a few moments. 

Mahler, she finally murmured. And then with a little more volume, she asked:What happened? She shifted to sit slowly in front of him, her eyes worriedly roaming over him as if she might find the answer to her question that way.

he did not wish to tell her. his paws had dimmed somewhat in their agony, but now he felt it in his heart at takiyok's softened voice, her thinned frame shifting nearby as she stirred and approached. mahler felt the weight of her quiet shock long before he straightened, glanced into her questing firelit stare.
"my son is gone." he remembered how she had been when one by one, stigmata's children followed off across the mountains. but he had not understood until these past days what it meant to lose a child. a slow blink. he made no move to dispel his curtain of grief, merely rolled his shoulders and closed his eyes against the long ache.
"i have failed at fatherhood. it is my curse for my selfishness."
he had never forgotten his cruelty toward takiyok at the last.

Admittedly, she had kept to herself a lot. Stag was really the only wolf whose company didn't cause her some kind of discomfort. So she had missed the assumed commotion surrounding whatever had happened to the Eisen's son. Her heart sank at his words, though. Their history was complicated and painful, and she still hadn't really forgiven him for hurting her, but she would have never wished for him to lose a child, not even at her angriest. 

Many questions erupted in her mind, most pressing being what had actually happened. Gone could mean different things, the worst being that something had happened to him and he was no longer alive. But she couldn't find the words to ask, mostly because she didn't want to watch him try to tell her more about something so painful. 

As for his blaming himself, she shook her head. His selfishness was a sore subject for her, but she in no way believed he was being made to pay for it by losing his son. She drew in a long breath and looked away; the feeling of failure was one she was all too familiar with. Three of her children were gone, and she too felt like it spoke to how bad of a mother she was. And then she had left Stag for her own selfish reasons, which was a guilt that kept her awake at night. How could she console Mahler when she knew the guilt never went away? 

I'm sorry; no parent should ever have to know that pain, she finally said, gently touching her nose to his shoulder. Can I help in some way? she asked. She owed him many debts, but she also knew how he was feeling and wanted to try and help if it was possible.

takiyok brushed him, and it reminded mahler that he did not recall when last it had been. within his heart, an wellspring of agony cut through the harsh loam of his heart; it spilled into waters that raced along the cracked earth of him. wylla. so cruel the fate of the child she had raised without him.
a lump that grew like a badly swallowed bite of fish; mahler blinked and fought himself only a moment longer until he dropped his crown, resting it gently against her thinned shoulder.
"i find that i have been vicious to all i should have treasured, takiyok," he blundered in a moment of excessive feeling; the spring rose once more, and this time his cheeks grew wet with its overflow. "and i have never atoned. and now, i vill be made to do just that." a painful, wormwood irony.

She wanted to be angry with him for this moment—for seeking comfort from her after everything that had happened between them. She could never erase the way she felt about him no matter how hard she tried or how angry she was with him. She was supposed to be moving on and finding some other kind of meaning in her life, but her past always seemed to pull her back like she was missing something vital that would keep her from ever being truly happy. None of that mattered, though, not now. Her heart broke for him. And when he placed his head against her shoulder, she settled her own on top. 

She wouldn't refute his first statement; she wouldn't offer fake words of sympathy against his realization because that just wasn't her. His hurt still stung even if it wasn't all his fault and she wasn't yet in a position to forgive all of that yet; there was still too much emotional baggage. But she had loved him long before it morphed into something more, and she could hardly stand to see him this way. She smelled the salt of his tears and it threatened to bring forth her own. 

Stop it, she told him, soft but firm, when he spoke again. You do not deserve this, no matter what you have done in your past, she continued. There was no way she would let him believe that. He had made mistakes, sure, but he wasn't evil and he certainly didn't deserve to have his child taken from him. She gently and affectionately nuzzled him, allowing him to shed as many tears as he needed; she understood his reason for them—his heartache, his guilt. She had felt it all herself.

he had made it all for himself, now, had he not? and the guilt of it clawed at him, but he did not pull away from takiyok — not yet, for there was a comfort in her embrace that filled some sore part of him, if just for now. "you are too easy on me," mahler blustered, clearing his throat and at last breaking their contact.
but he was suffused with gratitude for her presence, for her knowingness, for whatever remained in her heart of those months in diaspora. stigmata still linked them, mahler felt, though their bond had grown, and then died a splintered death.
yet now there was renewal.
he blinked away the last of the meltwater, turned his ageworn ears silently upon the winterwhite. "have you found your happiness, takiyok?" he wanted it to be true. needed it to be so.

He pulled away as he spoke, and her eyes searched his face. That seemed like one of her most frustrating weaknesses—she was too easy on those who possessed a piece of her heart, whether she wanted them to or not. It was why she had forgiven Sia so many times, and forgiven Stigmata, and it was why she comforted Mahler now when doing so broke open the scab over the wound on her heart caused by his rejection. Probably, she said, though she was truly teasing. But it is the truth. She was sure of that. No one deserved to lose a child. 

Whatever had been on her face before he spoke again vanished, replaced by sadness. Anger flared in her heart as she considered his question. Where exactly would she have found such happiness? While she was dying in a cave or healing in a pack that still didn't feel like home no matter how much she wished it did? Maybe while she was tortured over her decision to leave Stag again or stay here and be unhappy just to be with her son? She gave a huff of sad laughter and looked away, her anger dying out quickly and leaving the familiar hollow feeling in its wake. I've come to just accept that happiness isn't something I'll ever find, she admitted. She had never said it out loud, and she immediately wished she hadn't. It gave him a view into her mind that she tried to keep from others. But she hadn't been able to hold the words back. Maybe it was because he had shown her vulnerability as well. Or maybe because feelings had a way of coming out no matter how hard you tried to ignore them. Whatever the reason, she let the words hang between them, refusing to look at him.

swtg i replied to this D:

"do not say that," mahler urged, aware that it was only for his own benefit that he wished takiyok to be hopeful. his life had not been charmed, but it had been steady, constant, a purposeful routine. and he had sundered it upon the plate of his own lusts, a man who should have remained celibate, or taken another wife many years ago.
life became chaos, became pain.
did the winterwhite know the truth of it now? mahler sighed heavily, glancing upward toward the snow that gathered lurking and cold not far above them. "perhaps i should accept the same," he granted, swallowing as amethyst gaze swung back toward the knowing firelight glimmer of her own stare.
"something led you back to the hollow," the shadowpriest pressed, in spite of himself, in spite of it all. had she returned for a final departure? or was this where she wished to reside?

ugh, sorry for the wait. i've been really slow

She looked away at his response. She had neither the energy nor the desire to counter his words; she had come to accept her fate long before now, and there really wasn't anything he could say to change her mind. 

When he spoke again, her gaze lifted to meet his. I think that's just how it is for some of us, no matter how good we are or how much we try to change it, she said quietly. She knew some might offer him the same response he gave her, but she was never one to offer disingenuous sentiments to make another feel better. Maybe he was cursed like she was. Maybe not. But she had no way of knowing, and so far it seemed he had suffered the same as she had. 

He brought up her return to the hollow, implying that there was a reason she found herself there, and she couldn't necessarily disagree. It seems that way, she told him first, releasing a soft sigh. But my plans haven't changed. She paused and shook her head. Sometimes I think I want to stay because of Stag, but I know I can't. I've been totured by the decision. Another sigh, and then she let the silence fall between them again as her gaze drifted and focused on the outline of the peaks in the distance.

that's okay!! life has lots going on rn <3

takiyok voiced that she could not remain, and mahler felt the pang of it. she had the right to her own existence, her own life, her own paths. but he could not help his silent thought that spoke, saying she would stay if not for you. stag was the last of her children, born to diaspora, and seemingly bound to wherever the wolves who had once known his father roamed.
until i am gone.
a reckless, vain thought, to tie himself so closely to the fate of the boy and his connection to this mountain place. mahler gave takiyok his focus once more, sides expanding in an exhale he did not know how to hide. "if i can help, in any vay ..." words ringing hollow, droplets along the inside of am empty goblet. he was quiet now.

She wasn't sure how he could help; he was the reason being here was so painful for her. As much as she tried to will her feelings away or push them deep down so that she didn't have to think about them, they always found a way to remind her of the pain and rejection she had felt. Because no matter the reasons she had given him or tried to believe herself for being angry with him last spring, it all really boiled down to her unrequited feelings for him. And being here made it to difficult to ignore all of that mess. 

She shook her head. This is something I'll have to figure out for myself, she quietly answered after a few silent moments. Like every other problem in her life, she had always just had to fix it on her own, and it was no different now.

takiyok seemed resolute in her rejection of his words. mahler knew their emptiness. she had wanted something he could not give, and he recalled that moment with somber clarity.
a sigh, a swallow; the gargoyle squared his shoulders and set his hardened lavender gaze upon some stone outcropping or another. "i vill let you alone."
he did not add that he would return to the core of sagtannet with intentions of treating her only as a healer might; with a nod and a pause to see if the winterwhite might add more, mahler turned and loped heavily into the distance, prickling beneath his flesh until he had passed from takiyok and her eyeshot.