Blacktail Deer Plateau Fell apart south of Salt Lake

It was overdue, but soon after her conversation with Erzulie, Rosalyn sought out @Raleska with single minded purpose. She wished to check in on the aftermath of Caiaphas' expulsion, but she also needed to speak with her about what came next.  Erzulie had put a pause on their departure, in a manner, but it would come soon she felt.  She hoped that the dark girl would agree to come with; she would be the only outside of her own children to receive the offer.

She spirited across the unfamiliar territory, taking care not to encounter anyone else along the way.  She had no desire today to speak with their leader, or with any packmates who soon she would leave behind.  If Raleska did not appear, she would simply look again the next day.

Raleska had put on a brave face for the most part, but following the expulsion of her mother, the girl had significantly backtracked. She kept to herself more than usual, and seemed barely present even when she was among others -- it was if her body was walking, but her mind was somewhere far away.

She startled as Rosalyn appeared before her; how had she been that deep in thought? Her gaze guiltily lifted to Rosalyn, assuming incorrectly that the woman was here to broach the subject Raleska had been avoiding since it happened: her mother. Stiffening, but not unreceptive, Raleska gave a smile that felt fake, and waited for whatever it was that was on Rosalyn's mind.

Rosalyn was no stranger to isolating one's self, so she hadn't pried in Raleska's affairs.  She'd figured if the girl wished to talk with her, she would, but some time alone was probably for the best.  Her own opinions were no secret, and hearing her speak ill of Caiaphas would probably only salt the wound.  It was the right decision. There is no question to that.

She had other things anyway. It was an odd subject to broach, mainly because Rosalyn had little concept to how tied Raleska was to this place. Perhaps not the plateau, a recent home for them, but Rusalka itself. It was unfortunate timing that they would be talking about this now, so soon on the heels of the recent blow. But she didn't wish to hide it.

I wanted to speak with you first, before anyone else. she began, reading Raleska carefully. as she did so. Erzulie spoke with me, and she is not happy here. She wishes to take our family and perhaps find a new place. You are a part of that family. It was perhaps the first time she'd voiced the sentiment. Rosalyn fell silent at that, and waited with somewhat bated breath to see how the girl might respond.

Raleska kept an ear turned towards Rosalyn, but she could not bring herself to meet the woman's gaze. She thought she might find something in there -- pity, maybe -- an emotion that at the moment, she just couldn't handle. She was one word away from cracking -- all it would take for imminent meltdown would be platitudes and empty words.

Instead, Rosalyn broached an entirely different topic. Raleska sniffed, eyes lifting sharply as she looked to her mentor and then rapidly looked away. There was confusion spilling across her face - hadn't they just moved here, to keep everyone happy? The warmth the little comment "you're part of that family too" would normally have had, was lost upon Raleska as she digested the rest of the news. "Where?" It was evident Raleska was fumbling - with the news, with what had happened, with it all -- and was quickly becoming an emotional minefield.

Her reaction was half-hearted at best and mostly one of shock.  Rosalyn supposed she shouldn't be surprised.  The girl had been a ghost since Caiaphas had been pushed from this place.  Rosalyn had never understood the ties of blood... her own mother had cast her out a long time ago and now was likely long dead, a fact that pleased her more than anything else. It was as was deserved.  How Raleska could chase a woman who had so clearly ignored and strode over her, or lament her loss, was beyond the pirate.  

It was true.  She was disappointed.

We don't know. she said, and her golden eye grew more searching, and more piercing.  Someplace that feels more like home, I suppose.  Unless she wished to keep this ghost town.

Unless she wished her mother back.

Do you regret it? she asked suddenly, abruptly.  It was about as straightforward as one could get but Rosalyn wasn't much for skirting bushes when speaking with someone she respected.  Raleska had earned that much, from her at least.

Raleska couldn't bring herself to look at Rosalyn fully. Not now. It wasn't because she was angry with her mentor, but because she was angry with herself, her life, her decisions.. She was angry with how hard everything had to be. Why? Why did life have to be such a miserable bitch? Why couldn't any of them have had it easy?

That was all she really wanted, too. To thrive, to exist -- not claw for a miserable living. She loosened a sigh, wishing that Rosalyn and Erzulie both could stay. It was selfish of her, but Raleska was so tired of moving, of running all the time. She had been running her entire life.

"Home isn't a place." Raleska countered softly, feeling a tug of something cold hit her heart. "Home is your people." She fell silent for a moment, wishing things could be different.. wishing she didn't have to answer the next question Rosalyn posed. Do you regret it? "Of course I do.. but I don't think it was wrong. I think you can regret something you've done, and know it was still right to do anyway."

She agreed with that, and that was why when they left, Rosalyn hoped they left together.  And where your people are happy, she replied, though she wondered if that was possible at this point.  What sort of place would that be? What did Erzulie seek?  It seemed she at least had enough an idea to know it wasn't here.  To Rosalyn herself, all places now seemed the same, and few of them held appeal.

A different question then.  Are you happy here?  Raleska's answer didn't incite her to be upset, but it did not put her at ease either.  It was clear she was holding on to a thing better off let go, and if she continued to punish herself for it, she would risk losing what could instead make her stronger.  Take that resolve and harden it.  If you know it is right, then know it.. It was unfair of her to expect this of the girl so soon, but she did not bother to keep her judgements realistic.

If you could go anywhere, live anywhere, where would you go?  If borders didn't matter and people didn't matter, then what?  She had no heading and no direction, no concept of how to help her family.  All of them deserved a chance to give an answer, one of which might provide some final solution.

And where your people are happy. Raleska snorted, horrified in the next moment that Rosalyn would see that and make of it her own conclusions. Wasn't happiness a myth? If it was real, Raleska sure didn't know it.

And was she happy here? Raleska shrugged. She couldn't remember being happy. It was an elusive emotion. She wanted safety over happiness, because at least safety, she thought, was tenuously obtainable. Rosalyn was asking the hard questions - the hitting questions.

"I don't know. I know I wasn't happy living under Drageda's shadow. I know I wasn't happy seeing and hearing all that stuff about that man. I'm not happy feeling unsafe. If I could go anywhere, I'd go somewhere I felt safe.. but.. I don't know if that's possible. Are these rhetorical questions, or do you know the answers to them?" Raleska bit her lip as the last of her words took a sharp turn, the teenager in her rising momentarily in a bitter thrust directed at Rosalyn. Her anger, her fear, had no outlet -- and unfortunately, Rosalyn might find herself at the end of Raleska's sharp teenage tongue if Raleska couldn't reel in her emotions soon.

Contrary to what one might think, Raleska's anger was a welcome change from the apathy that she'd displayed earlier.  Anger Rosalyn was both familiar and comfortable with, and she rose to meet it intently.  

There's no one alive who can answer what you want for you, and if you let them try, they'll fail.  She put it baldly, and let out a short huff of laughter too.  It wasn't genuine, and was slightly jaded, but at least she was getting somewhere here.  I have no clue what I want, outside of to hold this shit together and not lose what I have left.  So I'm asking you.  Rusalka was never ours.  It was always hers, and now she's gone, what next?. It did not seem as though Raleska had true feeling for this place outside of some sort of loyalty to the idea.  Legacy was such a shit concept - all it did was tie you to some unwelcome burden of obligation.  If this place meant more to her than that, now was her chance to voice it.

What do you want?

Raleska's ears pulled back at the sound of Rosalyn's short laughter. For a moment, her gaze flashed angrily in response. If Rosalyn was laughing at her, it was poor timing -- she felt a raw emotion bubble disconcertingly close to bursting.

And then again, repeating -- what do you want? She was frustrated, she had already answered that question as best she could, and now it was like she wasn't even being heard. She didn't care about Blacktail Deer Plateau. She didn't even much care for Ankyra Sound other than, she knew it was an important place to her bloodline.. She didn't know what she wanted. She didn't know. No matter how it was phrased or asked, she had no idea. She felt like a child -- hell, in many ways, she still was a child -- marooned out at sea, with no concept of safety or stability.

Ah. There it was. Close. The condition that had eluded her, her entire life.

"Stability." Raleska answered at length, expression dark and voice thick.

Maybe she shouldn't press so hard, but Rosalyn had never been one for being thoughtful.  The quickest way to resolve anything was to strike to the heart, and she could only move forward herself if she knew how.  She watched as Raleska struggled with her anger, waiting patiently for it to either brim over or for clarity.  Fortunately for both of them, the latter won out.  She'd been half expecting the girl to simply bolt.

Okay.  She fell silent, thinking about that.  With only them, she did not know if that was something she could offer... but she had found stability in Erzulie, and if Raleska needed a rock to anchor herself, Rosalyn would do her damnedest to provide it.  Just as she would any of her own children.

You can choose what that looks like, she finally said, with almost uncharacteristic care.  But as long as I live, you'll be welcome with us.  And I don't plan on disappearing again.  Maybe it was an empty promise - who ever planned it?  But she was resolved that, if she parted from her family again, it would not be of her own free will.  She was done chasing ghosts and second guessing what she had.

While the wind whispered and the night closed around her, Raleska was shutting down. Perhaps this was the twilight of her heart -- the last closing of her tender youth's march. She had lived a hard life -- and it had been short -- but god, did it feel long.

Always she had wanted that stability. She had scrapped and clawed and fought, just the way her mother had -- but for a different end.. and she found, even without Caiaphas around, life was just as shitty as before. It just had a different ring to it.

Raleska was tired of living in that world. As tempting as it was to just believe things would be okay now, she knew that wasn't true. Even if Rosalyn's words were threaded with immense care (as they were), and even if her mentor believed those words.. a part of Raleska's heart had turned thorny as the battered shore. Maybe the stability came from within. Maybe, she had been stupid for entrusting her cares in everyone else all along.

Maybe, she could only count on herself.

Her gaze was hard as it lifted. "I hope not." Her tone had lost none of that thick edge -- but Raleska said nothing else. She had nothing else at all, she wanted to say in that moment.

The words didn't land, and it was pure iron that stared back at her from her mentee's eyes.  Rosalyn suddenly felt a deep, bone weary resignation fill her, for she had nothing left to say either.

She'd been ill equipped as a mother; her failures were clear for all to see, as only one child remained.  She'd been ill equipped as a mentor too, and in the end, it was possible she might not be enough.  She'd been honest when she said Raleska's happiness would only come from herself.  Not even Rosalyn could give it.

I hope you find it.  She responded, but as she did she was already turning to leave.  She'd delivered her news and said her piece, but she wouldn't press into the finality those words from Raleska wrote.  It wasn't in her nature; another failing, maybe.

It was perhaps more a shortcoming on Raleska's behalf than Rosalyn's, that her careful words did not hit home. The girl was closing shop; her mind reeling, falling deeper -- and anguish had settled into her bones tendons gristle all;

A lot of time, spent contemplatively and wisely, and Raleska would eventually overcome this hill. But not now.

Rosalyn had turned to leave -- Raleska stifled the cry, bit back her lip, and then said fuck it all to pride. "Can you stay with me a while?" She dared not meet Rosalyn's gaze - for already she felt a deep emotion watering along her eyelids -- but if Rosalyn could just be with her, in silence, for a little bit -- while Raleska tripped over her thoughts.. it would help -- somehow, it would help.

She was tired, but that was nothing new.  She'd been tired for months, an insidious and cold feeling that slowly crept up, sapping her.  There were days it was less, but it was always there, like a fog on the edges of her mind.

She paused as Raleska spoke again and this time was asking her to stay.  She had no reason to leave outside of thinking that's what she'd wanted; she wouldn't try and figure it out.

Sure.  she sat down, then slid down to lying, as if it were what she'd intended to do all along.  If Raleska spoke she would respond, but if not, she'd just share the space in silence a while.

In that moment, Raleska needed Rosalyn -- and it was evident by the way her eyes imploringly lingered upon the female. The tension along her shoulders resolved as the matron turned, regarded her, and then obliged -- truthfully, Raleska had half-expected Rosalyn to leave.

She smiled, a half-hearted and weak thing -- no more permanent than a structure of sand in the wind -- but then pressed her thin shoulders to Rosalyn, and stared off into the distance a while longer.

She had so much to think of .. so much to pour over and fight against.. but it helped, having Rosalyn near.